


Skam Canada

by Book_Lover2001



Category: Druck | SKAM (Germany), SKAM (France), SKAM (Italy), SKAM (Netherlands), SKAM (Norway), SKAM (Spain), SKAM Austin, WTFock | Skam (Belgium)
Genre: Enjoy learning some Canadian culture!, Even is named James, I looked up the most popular Canadian baby names so sue me, I wrote it myself because I can't wait for CBC to make one, IDK if I'm the only person who wants this, Isak is named Noah, Isak is still a little skaterboi, James is South Korean, M/M, Set in Toronto, Skam Canada, Trigger warnings for James' season: mentions of suicide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-03
Updated: 2021-01-27
Packaged: 2021-03-06 02:27:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 45
Words: 144,382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25685800
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Book_Lover2001/pseuds/Book_Lover2001
Summary: This is Skam Canada.Season 3: Noah Olsen (COMPLETE) (chapters 1-11)Season 5: James Min (COMPLETE) (chapters 12-23)Extras: Shorts about Noah and James (Currently Being Added To) (chapters 24-?)
Relationships: Eliott Demaury/Lucas Lallemant, Even Bech Næsheim/Isak Valtersen, Joana Bianchi Acosta/Cristina "Cris" Soto Peña, Matteo Florenzi/David Schreibner, Niccolò Fares/Martino Rametta, Sander Driesen/Robbe IJzermans, Shay Dixon/Megan Flores
Comments: 115
Kudos: 123





	1. Episode One: Somebody To Love

**Author's Note:**

> I've wanted a Skam Canada for so long, but I know CBC will never (at least not in the near future) make one. 
> 
> This is written like a remake: All the characters are here as their Canadian counterpart. The plot is the same with elements changed to suit Toronto, Canadian high school experience and culture.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: This episode is written in present tense, the rest is written in past. I plan to update this soon, but for now, bare with me!

**C L I P O N E - _Saturday, September 26th, 11:45pm_**

The house was alive on the fairly cold Saturday night in October, the music from the main level seeping upwards into the floors, vibrating the tiles of the bathroom. Whatever popular song that was playing through the speakers downstairs was barely recognizable where Noah was sitting, slouched in a bathtub between two of his three friends. Benjamin was on his left, his elbow practically jabbed into his best friend's side, as Noah’s right was squished up against Thomas. Logan was nowhere to be seen, having left ten minutes ago to find them beers in the kitchen.

“Do you think he got lost?” Thomas offers lightly, reaching in front of Noah to grab the blunt from Ben. The latter snorts, shifting uncomfortably in the cramped space. 

“Wouldn’t put it past him,” he answers. Noah joins the guys in a laugh as the bathroom door swings open and Logan stumbles in. 

“Look who made it back,” Noah muses, a smile pulling on his lips.

“Did you forget how to climb stairs?” Thomas teases, taking the beer that Logan held out. 

“Have you guys seen Mackenzie?” Logan replies instead, handing the two other’s their drinks, before sitting onto the ground in a dream-like state. 

“The question is who _hasn’t_ ,” Ben joins in, cracking the can open. “She’s so fucking hot.” Over Noah’s head, Thomas extends his fist and Ben bumps it.

“Smoking,” Thomas agreeds with a smirk. 

“I mean,” Noah feels the urge to add, with a clearing of his throat. “She’s not _that_ hot.” Logan gives a dramatic gasp as they all narrow their eyes at him as if he’s gone crazy. “What?”

“‘Not that hot’? Dude, come on, she has a modeling agency,” Logan reminds him. She did-- or at least that’s what everyone said. 

“Alright, if Mackenzie isn’t your type, who is?” Ben questions curiously, taking a sip of beer. 

“I don’t know.” 

“Bro,” Thomas passes the weed to Logan who happily accepts it. “Seriously? Name one girl here tonight who you like.” Noah feels his mouth go dry as he tries to think of someone to name.

“Emma,” Noah chooses, thinking about the cute girl with blonde hair who he’d seen when they’d walked into the party a few hours earlier. “Emma Richi.” 

“Oh, thank god,” Ben sighs, happily. “There you go.” 

“Which Emma?” Logan asks, letting smoke tumble out of his mouth as he spoke. 

“The brunette who’s always hanging out Riley Rosen,” Thomas supplies, incorrectly. 

“No, no-- that’s Emma Cartland. Emma Richi is the small blonde who’s in grade eleven.” At Ben’s description the other two all made faces of recognition. 

“She’s cute,” Thomas nodes. “But good luck-- heard she’s turned down Charlie.” 

Logan whistles, “Shit, man. No one turns down Charlie.”

“Accept anyone who’s smart,” Noah corrects with emphasis. “Charlie’s been _everywhere._ Who knows what he’s been doing.”

“ _Who_ he’s been doing," Ben corrects. 

“Alright which of you pretty boys is taking the shit tonight,” Thomas starts, holding up the small bag of weed. 

“My mom almost found it last time,” Logan sighs. “No go.” 

“Ben?” 

“Nah, man. Close call for me too.”

“I’ll take it,” Noah offers, taking the bag from Thomas’ hands. 

“You sure?” 

“Yeah, no parents to snoop through my room.” Noah stuffs it into his jean pocket and as he does, it’s as if the universe is trying to either help, or fuck over, his life. The door to the bathroom swings open and Emma Richi, in her full glory, walks in. She freezes, her foot just barely past the threshold. 

“Oh,” she says surprised. “Are you guys done in here? I need to pee.” Noah can feel Ben slapping his leg, and from the corner of his eye, he can feel his best friend’s encouraging look. _Now’s your chance._

“We waited an hour to get this spot. Use the one downstairs,” Thomas answers. Emma shoots him a pointed look. 

“I would, but someone’s having sex in it. So either you four beat it, or I’m pissing with all of you in here.” 

“Wow,” Logan says. “Rude much.” 

“Sorry, but seriously, you guys couldn’t have picked a shittier place to hide out and smoke in.” 

“I don’t think we actually could have found a _shittier_ place,” Noah interjects, with a smile. Emma gives a reluctant laugh, before sighing. 

“Funny, but--” she motions for them to leave, but no one gets up. “Suit yourselves.” Emma walks over to the toilet, adjusting her black dress as she does to cover herself as much as she can. The boys all look away. 

“Dude,” Ben whispers in his ear. “This is your chance.” Noah took a drag of the blunt that had been passed to him from Logan. 

“Do you know who you remind me of, Emma?” Noah begins, his eyes still averted. The toilet flushes and Emma walks past them to the sink. 

“No, but I’m sure you’re going to tell me.” He hands the weed to Ben. 

“That chick from the Disney channel,” Noah speaks with amusement. Emma mets his eye in the mirror, she raises her brow.

“Specific.” 

“What’s her name…” he thinks aloud. “Sabrina Carpenter!” 

“I don’t know if that’s supposed to be a compliment or not,” Emma hums, turning to face him, her hands resting behind her on the edge of the sink.

“She’s pretty cute,” Ben tries to help out.

“Oh, yeah, real pretty,” Thomas says. 

“There you go,” Noah shrugs. “Audience says it was a compliment.” Emma looks at him carefully, raking her teeth over her bottom lip. She takes a step closer to the tub, casting her eyes down at him. 

“And what do you have to say about it?” Noah stands up, stepping out onto the floor. He wasn’t necessarily tall for his age, but he did beat her by a few feet. 

“Definitely a compliment.” 

“I don’t see how it’s fair,” Emma began after a pause, her brown eyes watching him closely. She took another step closer. “That you know my name, but I don’t know yours.” 

“Noah,” he answers. She took the final step, the toes of their shoes matching. The boys clear their throats, murmuring excuses as they start hurrying out of the washroom to give them space. Noah catches Ben’s encouraging nod, before he closes the door. 

“Hello, _Noah_ ,” she whispers as their lips meet. He curls his arm around her waist, closing his eyes as she runs her fingers through his hair. Something twists in his stomach, as he tries to bury the feeling deep down. Her lips break away from his as she begins to leave kisses along his jaw, her hands sliding down from his hair, over his chest, until they’re resting on his belt buckle. He opens his eyes, his breaths becoming ridged as his brain attempts to come up with an escape route. _Can I jump out the window?_

“Emma!” some drunk girl, busts through the door, much to Noah’s relief. Emma doesn’t look embarrassed as her friend stumbles in. “Girl! Where did you go? The police are here!” 

Cursing under his breath, Noah pushes away from Emma, giving her an apologetic look before rushing out of the washroom. _Fuck. Fuck. Fuck._

“Noah!” Sophia calls his name as he comes down the stairs. Her blonde hair is braided down her back, her plaid dress and black tights making her look like a girl scout. “Have you seen Ella? The cops are here,” she hisses the last part. 

“No, maybe she’s with Christopher--” She disappears before he could finish his sentence, on the hunt to find the host of the party who seems to have vanished into thin air. Noah catches the sight of the police through the gathered crowd, and his heart is in his throat. Looking around he finds himself back up towards the back door, trying to draw as little attention to himself as possible. He can feel the weed burning a hole through his pocket as he catches the sight of a decorative vase on the windowsill. Making a split second decision, Noah stuffs it inside and moves for the door. Running into the chilly night, he regrets having not brought a jacket, but that’s the least of his worries. 

**C L I P T W O - _Sunday, September 27th, 10:20am_**

Noah wakes up with a headache, his entire body aching from the previous night… or was it early morning? He couldn’t remember what time he had crawled into bed after Ella’s party. Scrubbing his hands over his face, he manages to pry open his eyes as he reaches for his phone that he’d managed to pull in overnight. 

> MOM
> 
> God will help us through this hard time, dear. He will not let us suffer for much longer. Your father will be punished for the sins he has committed against us. The lord only forgives us for our mistakes if we pray and repent. Let us pray and repent and beg him for his blessings. 

Sighing, Noah presses the heel of his palm between his eyebrows in an attempt to alleviate the painful hangover. 

“Wakey wakey!” Elijah shouts bursting into his room, Lynn in toe as he does. He’s holding out his phone, it’s screen facing himself as he points the camera at Noah. Adjusting the blanket around himself, the young boy groans. 

“Do you two not know how to knock?” Noah snaps, as his roommates brush off his comment and move further into his bedroom. Lynn jumps onto the bed next to him, a smile fully taking over her usually sunken and stoic features. Elijah rolls his eyes.

“Say hi to Isla!” He shoves the phone into Noah’s face, and on the screen, in the middle of a FaceTime call is Isla. 

“Hi, Isla,” he yawns, not entirely as overjoyed as the other two. Elijah clicks his tongue with a disapproving humph. 

“Ignore the demon,” he mutters to Isla, as he goes to draw back Noah’s curtains. The younger boy winces at the stream of sunlight that comes in as he does, the apartment window overlooking a beautiful day in Toronto. “He’s living in a devil’s pit in here. Honestly, boys suck.” 

“You’re a boy,” Isla chuckles through the phone.

“Yes well, pubescent, high school boys suck,” he corrects, sitting next to Noah, who is now stuck between his roommates. Isla shakes her head in a motherly tisk, her red hair curling around her face like a frame. 

“I’m sure, Noah is fitting in just well.” 

“Oh but the horror, Isla!” Elijah cries. “He smells! He’s moody! Girl-obsessed! It’s horrific!” 

“A complete horror,” she laughs. “So what are you all going to do today?”

“Relax probably,” Lynn says, speaking her first words since entering. “Maybe go shopping.”

“Maybe Noah'll pay rent," Elijah throws in there, his eyes resting on the youngest flatmate. Noah curses under his breath.

"I promise, I'll pay soon."

"Mmh hmm," Elijah hums before returning to the question at hand. "Maybe take the subway to the Eaton Centre,” he shrugs. “H&M is having a sale.”

“Oh, Lynn, see if they have those black tank tops and grab me a few,” Isla asks her cousin who nods along with the request. 

“What’ll you do?” Elijah continues. Isla thinks about it, shrugging slightly.

“William is busy today, so I’ll probably stay in… maybe hit up a museum or something.” Elijah looks probably appalled by her suggestion.

“Isla, babe, you’re in London, _England_. We’ve got a museum here, go out! Go to a club!” 

“Go shopping!” Lynn tosses in, to the delight of Elijah. 

“Yes! Shopping!” Noah sits unable to move between them, quietly observing the hesitant pull in Isla’s shoulders as her friends keep peppering her with recommendations. 

“Maybe,” she nods. “Maybe. Hey, Noah?”

“Huh?” he blinks at the sound of his name. “Yeah?”

“Any suggestions?” He found it sweet that she tried to include him, even if it seemed forced. 

“Big Ben?” 

Isla smiles. “Big Ben it is then.”

**C L I P T H R E E - _Monday, September 28th, 8:00 am_**

The rumors were buzzing when he got to school at eight the next day, the whispers in the hallway about Ella’s party catching his ear as he walked the hall. Already at his locker, were the guys waiting for him. 

“Hey,” he greeted them with a nod, slipping his backpack off his shoulder and into his hand. “What’s up?” 

“You got the weed, man?” Thomas asks, his voice low.

“I had to ditch it at Ella’s,” Noah tells him, twisting the cobo to unlock his locker. “The cops showed up. What was I supposed to do? Have them search me and find it?” They’ll all murmur. “Look I’ll go over to Ella’s and get it tonight, cool?”

“Yeah,” Ben says. “That’s cool.”

“Yeah, don’t sweat it, Noah,” Logan pats his shoulder. “Bros before… weed?” 

“Bros before the devil’s lettuce?” Thomas supplies. 

“The devil’s lettuce?” Noah repeats, a laugh on the tip of his tongue.

“Hey, boys!” A voice calls out to them. Noah turns around to find Sophia and Arwa standing in the hall with smiles on their faces. “So, as you know semi-formal is coming up at the beginning of December, and the student council has delegated me to form a committee to help prep for it!” 

“Congrats, Soph,” Noah congratulates her grabbing his text book from his locker. His friends all throw in their own words of congrats. 

“Thank you, thank you,” she blushes. “So anyway, I’m recruiting the best of the best--”

“And those spots are full,” Arwa adds. “But we need guys to join.”

“Very… bluntly put Arwa,” Sophia forces a smile. “But yes. We need some boys to join us because right now it’s just us girls.”

“You’re not putting up any flyers or making an announcement about the positions?” Noah asks. 

“I’d be nice to have people we can count on,” Sophia clarifies. “We trust you, so? What do you say?”

“Sorry, Soph, but I’ll have to pass.” 

“Yup hard pass from me,” Thomas agrees. 

“Same,” Ben and Logan reply simultaneously. Sophia nods slowly.

“Well just so you know, if you don’t start getting involved in school extracurriculars no university or college is going to want you, and you’ll never meet any other people and you’ll remain unknown, unpopular grade twelves for the rest of the year. Is that what you want?” The boys all shrug and with a huff Sophia leave with Arwa chasing after her, but not before she shoot Noah a disappointed look. 

“Dudes,” Logan starts. “Is it me… or is Sophia hot?” The boys blink at him and then proceed to ignore him. Noah rolls his eyes, shutting the locker door just as his phone buzzes in his pocket. 

> DAD
> 
> Do you want to have dinner with me and Tami for Thanksgiving?
> 
> ME
> 
> I need the money for rent.
> 
>   
>    
> 

**C L I P F O U R - _Monday, September 28th, 1:45 pm_**

The first warning bell of the new period rings but Noah is already in his seat waiting for the last class of the day to start. As much as he loves science, he also hates this class with a burning passion. The teacher couldn’t give less of a shit and the projects she kept piling up for them was beginning to feel spiteful. 

“So,” Arwa says, dropping into her seat next to him. “I have your drugs. Can I borrow a pencil?” Noah blinks at her, processing what she said.

“What?”

“A pencil? Or a pen? Ella borrowed mine last period and took off with it. This is why you should never give away your last--”

“No before that.” 

“Oh, I have your weed that you stashed at Ella’s,” she smiles, her lips pressed in a thin wicked line. 

“Here?”

“Yeah, I just keep it in my hijab,” she replies sarcastically, reaching into her bag and retrieving her notebook. “Of course not, I’m not an idiot.”

Noah stares at her, his mouth slightly agape. “But you have it?”

“Am I not speaking English?” she says, her voice lower. “Yeah, I have it. Real nice hiding place you found yourself, Noah. The police would have _never_ found it.”

“Are you done?” he asks her dryly. 

“Nope. You fucked over Ella by hiding it in her place. Do you know what would have happened if the police found it? For someone who seems so smart, you can be a total dumbass.”

“Hey!” he protested. 

“Look, I’m more than willing to give it back to you…” she pauses. “For a price of course.”

“Come on, Arwa. It’s not even mine.”

“You and your friend are going to come to the semi-formal meeting after school Friday, and you’re going to join the committee.”

“Girl,” he begs. “You know I can’t force them to come. That’s impossible.”

“Nothing’s impossible, Noah,” she pats his hand which lays on their shared desk. “Control your bitches.”

“Then you’ll give it back?”

“Ninety percent of it,” she tells him.

“What? Why only ninety?”

“Consider ten percent of it a finder’s fee.”

“You smoke?” Noah says in disbelief. Arwa gives him a pointed look as she opens her text book. 

“No, but it’s good to have.” Before he could say anything else, their teacher walked in, and the final bell rang. 

“Fine,” Noah gives him. “We’ll be there.”

**C L I P F I V E - _Friday, October 1st, 3:15 pm_**

Noah was the only one there. Ben, Thomas, and Logan all practically ghosted him after he messaged them about coming to the meeting. No matter how much he begged, they wouldn’t agree to it, all claiming they’d already made plans. _Plans_ his ass. 

“I only count one Beatles member here today,” Arwa muses as she stands at the front of the room. Noah crosses his arms and sinks further into his seat as she smiles at him. Sophia walks in next, a clipboard in hand, followed by Ella and Christina soon enough. The four girls huddle by the chalkboard, discussing something amongst themselves, their voices low.

The room slowly but surely begins to fill up with students, many of which were girls unsurprisingly, but there were a few guys who came. His eye meets Emma’s as she walks in, her blonde hair smiling blowing behind her as she moves. She gives him a wink, reaching up to push a loose strand of her behind her ear as she takes a seat a few rows behind him. 

“Come in, come in!” Sophia motions for everyone to come further inside the classroom, gesturing to the seats she had laid out for the committee. “Take a seat! I’m so glad all of you could make it!” 

Noah presses his lips together, figuring this was going to be his last chance to escape. Standing up, he ducks his head as he tries to make his way out.

“Sorry,” Noah says, looking up to find himself having bumped into someone walking in. In doing so, he comes face to face with the most beautiful pair of green eyes. 

“No problem,” the boy replied. His green irises are a contrast against his warm beige skin that glows with his smile. His lips curls up sweetly, his eyes crinkling at the edges. He stepped out of Noah’s way, allowing him room to leave. 

“Um…” he faltered, unsure of where his voice went. “Actually, I’m staying.” Turning around, Noah walks back to his seat, wincing at the abrupt awkwardness. Catching a glimpse at the boy, he didn’t seem to have minded or noticed the awkwardness. His smile hadn’t wavered as he sat a few seats away, his attention fully on the girls up at the front (or at least that’s what Noah thought). 

“Weclome!” Sophia continues once everyone takes their seat. “Thank you for coming! My name is Sophia, this is Ella, Chris, and Arwa. We’re running the semi-formal committee! So semi is on December 11th this year which gives us about two full months to arrange everything. The hall’s been booked, so has the DJ. We need to pick a theme and get on decorations, centerpieces, ticket sales, etcetera. So if you’re here to sign up, I’ll pass this clipboard around. Just put down your name and student number and then you’re a part of the team!” Noah should have been listening to Sophia, especially since Arwa was glaring at him for the majority of her introduction speech, but he couldn’t help sneaking glances at the boy. 

Arwa walks up to Noah, the clipboard extended in her hands. 

“Here you go,” she spoke with a narrowed eye. “Pass it around when you’re done filling it out.” 

About fifteen minutes into the meeting, a theme had already been picked and Noah couldn’t sit still anymore. So when Ella asked someone to go down to the student council storage to get a box of old fairy lights, Noah’s hand shot up. 

Catching the key that Chris threw him, Noah began to make his way to the basement level. 

“Why don’t you go with Noah?” he hears Arwa suggest to someone behind him. “Make sure he doesn’t run off.” Her watchful eye was starting to piss him off. Turning on his heel, he was about to flip her off for saying he needed to be babysat but then he notices who she had sent after him.

“Hey again,” the cute boy says, joining him in the doorway. Noah swallows, biting down on his tongue, as they leave for the storage room. 

“Hi.”

“So _Midsummer's Night’s Dream_ ,” the boy repeats the theme, the farther they draw from the room. “Shakespeare.”

“Never really been an English kind of kid,” Noah admits, swinging open the door to the stairwell. The boy walks through with the whisper of a thank you. 

“More literature for me then,” he chuckles. Noah let’s his lips twitch into a smile. 

“Are you new? I haven’t seen you around before.” The boy looks at him from the corner of his eye as they walk down the steps.

“Yeah, new transfer. I’m James,” James introduces. 

“Noah.” 

“So, Noah,” James begins, stuffing his hands into his pockets, his open jean jacket moves with the movement, revealing the grey shirt underneath: a Queen band shirt. “Semi formal committee? Doesn’t seem like your style.”

“My style?” James’ eyes flicker over to Noah, taking him in. “And what style is that?”

“Skater boy?” he observes. “You probably have a beanie right?” Noah kisses his teeth.

“Lucky guess.” James shrugs. 

“Jeans, oversized plaid shirt…” he trails off a bit. “I’d say it was more of a calculated estimation.”

“Is that right?” Noah huffs a laugh, as they reach the strange room, reaching out to unlock it. The room is dark and smells of mold-- and is most probably not up to safety standards.

“Horror movie vibes,” James notes when they walk in. “Definitely the perfect place to hide a body.”

“It’s probably haunted by the ghost of the girl that died in the closed off stairwell,” Noah shrugs. James stops walking behind him.

“The who in the what now?” Noah turns around, walking backwards now. He extends his arms out slightly.

“You’ve never heard of the ghost in the abandoned stairwell?” James shakes his head. “Well the story goes, that this girl-- Charlotte-- she and her friends would sneak to the roof to eat lunch, but one day while they were up there, Charlotte got into a fight with her friends and she ran down the steps. But she was crying so her foot missed a step and she fell down the rest, smashing her head on the landing. There was blood everywhere-- so much that it seeped through the door and into the hall. They closed off the stairwell to the roof after that, and now the only way up is through a janitor's door on the third floor.” James looks slightly pale as Noah comes to the end of his story, having found the fairy lights in the midst of the tale. Clutching the cardboard box against his chest, his serious expression morphed into one of amusement. 

“Do you believe in ghosts, James?” Noah teases lightheartedly, laughing. James lets out an exhale. 

“No! Absolutely not,” he huffs thought Noah can see the shadow of a smile. It’s a really beautiful smile. 

“Good, because there's no such thing.”

“No such thing as what?” a voice creeps up behind them. Both James and Noah scream, the box falling from the latter’s hands in the process. Emma pops into view from the door, looking extremely pleased with herself. “They wanted to see if there were any vases down here, so they sent me.” 

“Oh,” Noah says catching his breath. Emma walks inside and over to him. 

“Did I really scare you that bad?” She mocks, placing her hand on Noah’s chest. 

“No,” he denies, although she did manage to freak him out a bit in the moment. She smiles at him, before walking off to a set of boxes. He notices how her touch lingers, her hand dragging up his chest, to his shoulder, until it falls back to her side. Noah looks over at James, who seems to have found himself more interested in an old plastic christmas tree. 

“Found the vases!” Emma breaks the awkward silence. “There are… twenty of them. Great, let's get those lights upstairs then.” She picks up the dropped box, stopping only when she reaches James. "I'm Emma, by the way." 

"James," he says, although there was something different about his tone-- it seems withdrawn. "Nice to meet you."

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ISAK: Noah  
> JONAS: Benjamin  
> MADHI: Thomas  
> MAGNUS: Logan  
> EMMA: Emma  
> VILDE: Sophia  
> EVA: Ella  
> CHRIS: Chris  
> SANA: Arwa  
> NOORA: Isla  
> ESKILD: Elijah  
> LINN: Lynn  
> EVEN: James


	2. Episode Two: Crazy Little Thing Called Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, this chapter is in past tense. I gave up on present and decide to switch to past. Sorry for the confusion!

**C L I P O N E - _Sunday, October 4th, 5:05pm_**

Instagram. Facebook. Twitter. Nothing. James didn’t exist according to social media, although he had to admit, it was harder to find someone when all you knew was their first name. Noah fell down a rabbit hole of trying to find this mysterious new kid from the semi formal committee, wasting a good few hours on the search. He wasn't even on LinkedIn, and that was the final stretch. 

“Noah,” Elijah spoke up from his spot on the foot of Noah’s bed. He was certain the older boy had no friends, based only on the amount of time he spent with the youngest roommate.

“Yeah?” Elijah held out his phone for him to see the screen. Prying his eyes away from his fruitless searching, he looked at what he was being shown. 

“Is he attractive?” The question hung in the air for a second before Noah averted his eyes from the shirtless twenty something year old. 

“I don’t know.”

“You don’t have to be gay to say if a guy’s hot or not, Noah,” Elijah groaned, continuing to show him the image.

“I know that, Eli, but I don’t see why you need my opinion.” 

“Because you’re my replacement Isla! So, swipe right or left?” he told him. “Pick.”

“I guess right?” 

“You’re useless.” 

Noah exhaled at the comment.“Gee thanks.”

“How ‘bout this guy?” another photo was shown to him. This time it was of a zoomed in picture of some guy's crotch. 

“Seriously, Elijah?” he looked away, making a face of disgust. The other boy laughed, looking back at his screen. 

“Says he’s not gay but likes sucking dick, hmm,” Elijiah humed. “I’ll give him ten months before he comes around.”

“Why do you think everyone’s gay?” Noah asked, slightly defensive. “Can’t he just be curious?”

“I don’t think _everyone’s_ gay, Noah,” Elijah responsed, still swiping at the app. “But my gaydar is nothing if not trustworthy.”

“ _Gaydar_ ,” he repeated.

“Look, just because you’re straight as a ruler doesn’t mean everyone is too. That shit goes both ways, Noah.” 

“How do you know if someone’s gay? Like, are there signs? Characteristics?” The question made the older boy look up at the ceiling, his phone resting on his chest as he thought. Noah didn’t know why he was nervous for the answer. Was he worried it would reflect himself? Or maybe James? Or maybe he was worried it wouldn't.

“There’s just something in their eyes,” he finally settled on. “Like a part of them is just begging to be let free-- like there’s something longing in their soul.”

“Profound.”

“That or if they’re on Grindr that’s a pretty big tell,” said Elijah with a much lighter tone. 

**C L I P T W O - _Monday, October 5th, 4:09 pm_**

> MOM ( _10:20am, Today)_
> 
> Happy thanksgiving! Are you going to visit today darling? I forgive you if you aren’t. 
> 
> DAD _(3:30pm, Today)_
> 
> Are you certain you don’t want to celebrate today with us?
> 
> DAD _(3:38, Today)_
> 
> Noah? Will you pick up the phone?

The small knock on his bedroom door got him to look up from the messages that he’d been staring at for the last half and hour. 

“Noah?” Elijah’s voice was muffled on the other side of the door. “I’m leaving for Hamilton… Are you sure you don’t want to come with me? My family doesn’t bite, cupcake.”

Noah pressed his tongue to the back of his teeth. 

“No, don’t worry about me,” he told his roommate. Elijah had offered to bring Noah to his family’s thanksgiving when Lynn said that she was going up to Barrie to see hers. He didn’t want to leave him alone, and for that Noah appreciated him, but he didn’t need charity. 

“You sure?” 

“Yeah. I’ll see you tomorrow.” 

**C L I P T H R E E - _Tuesday, October 6th, 12:25pm_**

Noah stared at himself in the bathroom mirror, the fluorescent white lights not helping to convince him that he looked okay. They paled his already pale complexion, making him look sickly despite his fairly good health. His dark blue crew neck was bunched up to his elbows as he washed his hands, his eyes constantly flickering upwards to his reflection. Reaching up, he brushed back his light brown hair that seemed to be having a mind of its own today. Before his thoughts could stray any further, a ding from his phone pulled him out of his mind.

> Re: Semi-Committee Schedule for Ticket Sales
> 
> Hi everyone,
> 
> So here is a Google Doc link so you can sign up for a time slot with someone else to sell tickets in two weeks. 
> 
> [ https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WTlCBmFi74FlPN2NDRsJHJixSmjxN0fCHaJQLcH8XBQ/edit?usp=sharing ](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WTlCBmFi74FlPN2NDRsJHJixSmjxN0fCHaJQLcH8XBQ/edit?usp=sharing)
> 
> Remember there will be no meeting this Friday!
> 
> Sophia & Arwa
> 
>   
>    
> 

Clicking the link, there was a hopeful voice behind his actions, a feeling that made him nervous. He didn’t know what he had expected to find in the document, or why he had smiled while the tab finally opened in his Safari. It wasn’t until he realized he was scanning the names of the members, that he understood what he was looking for. 

_James Min_

He’d signed up for Wednesday the 28th of October for the after school shift, and without thinking it through, Noah took the last slot for the same date and time. 

_James Min & Noah Olsen. _

He liked their names together. 

The bell rang for the end of lunch and if he didn’t run, he’d be late for E period. This week his two last classes switched, so his academic biology (period E) was next instead of academic english (period D). Sometimes he thought the school did it to confuse all the students for their own amusement. So swinging his backpack over his shoulder, Noah headed off to bio on the third floor.

**C L I P F O U R - _Tuesday, October 6th, 12:30pm_**

Searching James' full name only brought him to a video. No social media account but a video. That was all he could find, so he waited in anticipation as the link opened in his YouTube app.

_James Min’s Analytical Analysis of Romeo and Juliet._

As it began to play, the camera shook into place, it’s lens zooming onto James’ face, until he was in focus. 

_“Good?” James asked, clearing his throat and shifting in his seat._

_“Yup,” another boy’s voice replied, giving him the all clear._

_“My name is James Min," James smiled and gave a short wave to the camera, before holding up a battered school copy of Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet. "A_ _nd for my final project, I’ve decided to make a video discussing the themes of Romeo and Juliet and comparing the original, translated work to Baz Luhrmann’s 1996 film adaptation--”_

“What are you watching?” a voice asked over his shoulder. Noah jumped, as Arwa settled into her seat next to him. Today she was wearing a deep, burnt orange hijab that made her brown eyes seem brighter. 

“Nothing,” Noah said, removing his earbuds and stuffing his phone into his backpack. “That colour’s nice on you.”

She looked at him curiously. “Thank you,” it was drawn out as if she didn’t believe his complement. “Okay you can have your stuff.” 

“Seriously?” He tried to hide his relief, but his attempt failed. 

“Well I’m being generous since I didn’t see the rest of your gal pals at the meeting.”

“You couldn't have really expected me to force them to come!” 

“What did I say before? Control your hoes?” 

“Arwa,” he said sharply, his head tilted to the side in frustration. She rolled her eyes. 

“Fine, where do you want me to put it?” Noah reached for his backpack, raising it off the ground enough that it was still hidden under the desk but high enough for her to slip it in. With a quick glance at the teacher, Arwa removed the baggie of weed from her things and slipped it into his bag.

“Arwa! Noah!” the teacher called out to them. “What are you doing?” Noah could see from the corner of his eye that Arwa reached into her bag and pulled out a handful of pens. She dropped them on their desk. “Fine, but class is starting. Stop talking or I’ll have to separate you both.” 

**C L I P F I V E - _Thursday, October 8th, 3:15pm_ **

“Noah! Wait up!” Sophia chased him down, following him out of the school. He stopped and waited for her to reach him, slightly out of breath. “You’re fast for someone so short.”

“What do you want, Soph?” he said brushing off her comment. 

“I was wondering if you could host a pre party next Friday?” 

“For what?” 

“For the student council halloween get together!” He blinked at her. 

“But Halloween isn’t next Friday?” he asked, lost. 

“SC is throwing ours the week before so that everyone can go to Christopher's on the 31st, and because you’re a part of the committee, you’re technically a part of council.”

“Can no one else do it?”

“Well Mckenzie is hosting the actual party, but no one has space for the pre-party. Ella’s place is totally trashed from the other weekend and my mom has her book club meeting. Plus everyone else is going to have their parents watching us like Big Brother. So what do you say?”

“I--”

“Hey, bro,” Ben came around the corner, patting him on the shoulder. Behind him Thomas and Logan followed.

“Hey, Fuller,” Logan nodded at Sophia, trying to be smooth, leaning his hand against the school’s exterior wall. 

“No,” Sophia said to him, cutting off any further attempts he might have tried. “Noah’s going to host a pre-party for SC next Friday. You guys want to come?”

“A student council pre-party?” Ben repeated. “Why are you hosting that?”

“I didn’t know I was but, guess I am now,” Noah shrugged, figuring it was better to go along with Sophia than to make enemies with her. 

“We’ll have to pass though,” Thomas said on behalf of the three friends. Logan looked like he was contemplating going just to have a shot with Sophia but Thomas gave him a pointed look. 

“Sucks,” Sophia shrugged. “Well, I’ll see you at the next meeting.” With that she bounded away, turning a corner until she disappeared from their sight.

“You’re actually doing that girly shit?” Thomas laughed, squeezing Noah’s shoulder. “I didn’t know you liked picking colour swatches and ordering flowers?” The jabbed was meant to be light hearted, nothing to dwell over and yet Noah bit the inside of his cheek. Ben raised his eyebrow at the insinuation but before he could speak, Emma sauntered towards them.

“Hey, Noah,” she greeted, her dazzling smile on display. She was pretty. Really pretty. 

“Hi, Emma.” Behind her was the drunk girl from the party, with her deep cut v-neck shirt that exposed more of her dark skin, although he wondered how she wasn’t freezing from the cold wind breezing past. He didn’t understand how some of the girls could still walk around in dresses and skirts without jackets as if it were still July. 

“Sienna and I are throwing a party this Friday,” Emma began, his hands coming up to hold onto her backpack’s straps. “You know, if you’d like to come.” 

“Friday?” Noah faltered, trying to think of an excuse. “Um, actually… I think we’ve got--”

“We’d love to come,” Thomas stepped in, patting Noah on the back to shut him up. “Don’t listen to Noah, he just gets nervous around pretty girls he really likes.” Emma blushes, flickering her eyes over to Noah, who can only smile and nod. 

“Well, you don’t need to be nervous around me. I’ll send you the address. See you,” she said with a wink as her friend, Sienna, giggled behind her hand. 

“Bro, what the fuck!” Thomas said, shaking him for a second. “You gay or something? Emma is totally into you!” 

“Let’s drop it,” Ben broke in, removing Thomas’ hand from Noah’s shoulder. “We’re going to the party so whatever.” Thomas waved him off and with Logan in tow, began to walk ahead of the best friends. Noah dropped his gaze for a moment before looking back up to catch sight of the one person who’d been taking over all his thoughts. _James_. He was walking out of the school, his backpack in hand. It was like slow motion; every movement he made was exaggerated in Noah’s mind. It was like watching a model walking with the wind blowing through his black hair, his sunglasses catching the afternoon light like a mirror. His free hand was stuffed into his bomber jacket’s pocket, and as if he could feel Noah’s eyes on him, he turned his head. Noticing him, James casted him a sweet smile. 

“Noah?” Ben’s voice cut through to him.

“Huh?” 

“I asked how you are?” he replied with a slight concern. “You seem a little…distracted.” 

“No, I’m good,” he reassured. 

“And Thanksgiving?” Ben pressed further, stuffing his hands in his pocket. 

“Nothing interesting.”

“You could have come over to my place,” he offered. “You know my mom literally loves you more than me, it’s embarrassing.” Noah huffed a laugh. _At least someone loved him._

“It was chill. I caught up on some homework. It really didn’t matter.” Ben made a face, looking as if he wanted to keep digging, but didn’t. Instead he closed his mouth and nodded, keeping up their pace. From the corner of his eye, Noah knew Ben didn’t believe him. Elijah didn’t believe him. Pretty soon no one would. 

**C L I P S I X - _Thursday, October 8th, 10:59pm_ **

_Baz Laherman. Romeo + Juliet._

Noah didn’t know what he expected from the movie. Maybe he’d kind of hoped that it would be shit so he could find something James didn’t seem perfect at. Noah was confused, and frustrated, maybe even a little annoyed. How had a boy he’d barely talked to carved his way into his every waking thought? It seemed dramatic. 

He seemed nice, smart, funny, sweet-- Noah was literally looking for something to be wrong. Some red flag that told him that he shouldn’t feel this way. That James was just a face out of a group of many, and that this wasn’t going anywhere. That James was not worth the inner turmoil and self consciousness. That James was not going to bring down his carefully built walls; walls that he’d spent his entire life maintaining.

And yet this movie seemed just like James. Perfect. 

_If they’re on Grindr that’s a pretty big tell._

Reaching for his phone, the credits of Romeo + Juliet playing softly in the background, he downloaded it. His finger hovering over the app, his mind spinning as he tried to convince himself that he was only doing this out of sheer curiosity. Downloading the app to see if James was on it didn’t mean anything… right?

Swiping through the men, he couldn’t seem to find him. None of them came close, and something about the whole ordeal made Noah’ stomach twist. He felt uncomfortable. He kept swiping until he gave up, deciding that James' lack of social media and dating apps was a sign. 

**C L I P S E V E N _\- Friday, October 9th, 3:45pm_**

“Yo, Noah!” Thomas called after him, the boys running to meet him at the bus stop. Noah was leaning against the glass shelter, his jacket pulled tightly around him as the weather dropped. 

“What’s up guys?” He greeted them each with their group handshake. 

“You’re on beer duty tonight,” Ben told him, taking up the spot next to him. 

“What?” Noah asked. “Why me?”

“Because we each covered the last three parties and this time it’s you,” Logan shrugged.

“I can spot you if you need,” Ben whispered in his ear. Noah was getting sick and tired of the charity. 

“No, I’ve got it,” he said, trying to convince him. “I’ll figure it out.” 

“You sure?” 

“Yes, Ben. I’m sure,” he snapped, unsure of where the tension had come from. All day he felt on edge, but didn’t know why. 

“Okay,” he raised his hands in surrender. “Look I’ve got to get to the subway. I’ll see you guys tonight? Noah don’t forget to text us the address.” 

“As soon as she sends it,” he agreed, waving him off. 

It wasn’t soon after that, that Thomas and Logan left on their bus, leaving Noah to stand alone to wait. Pulling out his phone, he shot a quick text to Elijah. 

> To ELIJAH:
> 
> Can you buy me beer for tonight?

“Seems like you’re following me,” James mused as he appeared, practically out of thin air by his side. Noah jumped slightly from the startle, clutching his phone to his chest. 

“James, shit. You scared me!” The other boy laughed, amusement apparent in the lines of his face. “And if anyone is following anyone, you’re definitely my stalker.” 

“Agree to disagree,” James smirked, leaning back on the glass. 

> ELIJAH 
> 
> Sorry cupcake, but I’m working late tonight. 

“Fuck,” Noah cursed under his breath. James looked at him curiously, before speaking.

“Something wrong?”

“Uh,” he faltered, putting his phone back into his jeans. “I need to get beer tonight but I’m underage so…”

“I’m surprised you don’t have a fake,” James said. Noah looked up at him, his slouching posture making their few feet in height difference more noticable. 

“Fakes are for people who want to risk being caught.” 

“No adventure in your life, Noah?” James questioned, his eyebrow quirked, a smile tugging at his lips. 

“I’m not a very adventurous person.”

“Well, I’d be happy to get you beer.”

“You’re nineteen?” Before Noah could get an answer, the bus was pulling up. 

“No, but I don’t have my fake ID with me, but come with me. I’ll just swing by my house and get it.”

“Come with you? You’re practically a stranger.”

“Never too late to introduce some adventure into your life, Noah.” 

**C L I P E I G H T - _Friday, October 9th, 4:20pm_**

James’ bedroom was nothing like how he expected it to look-- but honestly, Noah had given up trying to analyze and predict the unknowable enigma that was James Min. Walking through the house felt like walking through a nuketown; a still life replica that was someone’s life, but not his. He felt like an intruder in the expertly decorated town home. 

The bedroom was just as precisely decorated, but it was different. It felt more cozy. More like a home. More like a person. 

Three of the four walls were painted a light grey, while the wall across from the bed was black and covered with chalk doodles. Magnates were stuck to the gigantic chalkboard, holding up sketches of people, faces, figures, all meticulously drawn. They were done in a thin black pen, each image a compilation of lines and shapes that formed it’s inspiration with an abstract element. They were beautiful straight lines that only curved when necessary, sculpting the faces of men and women like a swirl of magic wand. They were mesmerizing.

“You drew these?” Noah asked, his eyes unwavering from the artwork. Behind him, he could hear James rustling through some drawers. 

“Yeah,” his voice was casual. “They’re just random drawings.”

“They’re beautiful.” Noah blushed at his own candid, unfiltered reaction. He hadn’t 

known James long but he could sense his smile. “Are you applying to OCAD in November?” 

“Uh no,” James replied after a brief pause. Noah turned around at his answer, keeping his hands to himself, folded behind his back. 

“Why not? You’re really good.” 

“I guess but it’s just never been a goal of mine. I draw because it helps with my-- it’s calming.” Noah looked back at the calculated, perfectly placed lines on a perfectly crisp sheet of paper that looked like it never saw the end of an eraser. They seemed more stressful than calming. 

“I can’t seem to find my license…” James muttered to himself, spinning around his clean, persteenly kept room. “I bet my dad has some beer in the fridge, give me a second.” Before Noah could protest that he didn’t need to go through so much effort, James disappeared. 

Sighing, decided to explore the room more. It may have looked like a modern art gallery, but something about it felt welcoming. Nothing dared him not to touch. 

His finger grazed the frame of a nearby photo sitting on his desk. It was of James, sitting on a blanket at a park, between two people: a man and a woman. There was another just like it resting a few centimeters away, but this seemed to be of the same man and woman with a younger-- maybe five year old--James.

“Those are my parents,” James said, announcing his presence. Noah shot him a look over his shoulder before returning the photo back to its place.

“But…”

“They’re white and I’m not?” James gave a light laugh. “I’m adopted.” Noah didn’t know what to say, but James must have sensed that. “I came when I was five from South Korea.”

“Do you remember much about South Korea?” 

“Not really,” he shrugged. “A few random flashes of memories but Canada’s always been my home.” There was a beat of silence, but much to Noah’s relief it wasn’t awkward, but rather tranquil. “Before I forget, here.” James held out a case of beer and Noah took it.

“Thanks, but you know you didn’t have to.” 

“I want to. Plus we have a shit ton of beer that no one really drinks.” There was a beat. “Do you want one before you go?” 

“Yeah, I’d love one." As he was handed a beer, his phone dinged, his screen lighting up with now two missed messages. 

> EMMA
> 
> Hey my address is 1350 Applewood Drive. Let me know when you’re on your way
> 
> BEN
> 
> Hey dude what’s the address?
> 
> To EMMA: 
> 
> Looks like the guys changed their mind. Sorry. I’m trying to convince them.
> 
> To BEN:
> 
> Looks like they’ve canceled the party :(

**C L I P N I N E - _Friday, October 9th, 6:05pm_**

“So Queen? Is that like your favourite band?” Noah asked, taking a sip of beer. He was sitting in James’ desk chair while the other was laying on his bed, his head hanging upside down off the foot of it. His beer was resting in his hand, laid on his stomach. 

“I mean, I’ve never met a _single_ person who doesn’t like Queen. People like that don’t exist! But _favourite_ , no.”

“But you wear their band merch?”

“I mean yeah, but at least I’m not those people who buy vintage tees and don’t know a single thing about the band.”

“God those people suck! At least know one song!” 

“They’re the worst!” James agrees with a shout. “Absolute worst!” 

“Now I have a craving to go buy some random band’s merch…”

“Don’t do it!” he laughed. “It’s like when you see the train tracks and things… _I could push someone_ , but don’t do it.” 

“Ah, the enticing spell of murder!” They share a laugh that seems to go on for too long, his stomach hurting by the time he catches his breath. 

“Are you hungry?” James asked, shifting to sit cross legged on his dark grey duvet. Noah shrugged, finishing his beer. 

“You cook?”

“Yes, sir.”

James led Noah down the staircase and through a living room until they reached a fairly large, marble kitchen.

“I wouldn’t be surprised if you have a butler,” Noah commented, following him over to a cupboard. James sent him a smile. “You’re lying.”

“Every once in a while my mom and dad will hire a cleaner, but no butler," he explained as he pulled out a blue box of KD. “Kraft Dinner?” 

* * *

“How did we fuck up _KD?”_ Noah gaped at the pot of orange slush. “Ten year olds can make this shit in the microwave.”

“I have no idea. We put milk and butter and…” James was double checking the side of the blue box when he pressed his lips together in a thin line. 

“What?” James suppressed his laugh as he held it out for him to see. 

“Well…” Noah sighed. “3 cups of milk did seem like _too_ much.” 

“I’ve literally made this before, I don’t understand what happened.” 

“But have you ever made it while tipsy?” Noah offered as a defence. “I say we never speak of this again and pretend it never happened.” James carried the pot over to the garbage.

“Unless you want to eat this orange soup?”

“I’m becoming lactose intolerant by just looking at that,” Noah said, crossing his arms and staring at the disaster. 

“I’ll see if we have something else in the pantry.” He walked over to the cupboard door. “So we have…” James trailed off as he looked through his things, but before any replacement meals could be listed, the front door bell rang. James excused himself and while he was gone, Noah took the time to check his phone. 

> EMMA:
> 
> Let me know if you're not coming… 
> 
> EMMA:
> 
> Seriously Noah?
> 
> EMMA:
> 
> Why won’t you text me back?
> 
> EMMA:
> 
> Fuck you Noah
> 
> BEN:
> 
> Why are you lying? It’s all over Emma’s story
> 
> Not cool dude. 

Noah blinked down at the accumulation of missed messages, his teeth biting the inside corner of his lip as he processed them all. Fuck.

“Hey Noah,” James rounded the corner, his arm around the waist of a girl. Her brown hair curled into soft waves that cascaded down her shoulders. Her soft features gave her a welcoming expression as her lips rested in a content, easy smile. She was shorter, shorter than Noah, but her small stature didn’t seem to deter her from pulling all the air from the room. She looked like the epitome of a southern bell. But despite her beauty, Noah’s eyes drew to one thing: her shirt-- it was James’ quarter sleeve, grey Queen Band shirt. 

Bending down a few inches, James placed a kiss on her cheek. “This is my girlfriend Jessica.”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Canadian Thanksgiving: It's on October 12th this year! 
> 
> Barrie and Hamilton: cities in Ontario
> 
> Semi-formal: It's our homecoming and can be held at any point in the year. Mine was always in February.
> 
> R+J: EVERY high schooler in Ontario has to read Romeo and Juliet or at least some Shakespeare, and my year had to watch the Baz Laherman movie (it's really good). 
> 
> Legal drinking and smoking age is 19 (Weed is legal over here in the North)
> 
> Montreal: A French city in Quebec 
> 
> PS: Yes, that Google Doc link works. Yes, I made Sophia a gmail just for that Tuesday clip. 
> 
> PPS: This chapter is dedicated to my amazing friend @kkornkob who FaceTimes me for hours while I write and helps with all my brainstorming!


	3. Episode Three: Killer Queen

**C L I P O N E - _Monday, October 19th, 8:05am_**

It had called for an early snowfall, although snow in October wasn’t anything new especially here in Toronto. Still, Noah was waiting on a bench for his friends outside as the clouds began to hover with a looming threat. Most kids had already headed inside for the day, but he needed the fresh air. He adjusted his scarf, breathing into the bulky grey material to circulate some sort of warmth. He kept his hands in his pocket as he waited for the impending conversion he was about to have, and even then, with his friendship teetering on a thin line of lies, he still couldn't help thinking about James. But his mind for the first time wasn’t necessarily on the boy in question, but rather his girlfriend. _Jessica_. He’d never hated any Jessicas but this one left a bitter taste in his mouth. 

“Hey traitor,” Thomas’ voice piped up. He and Ben had walked over to him while Noah’s eyes stared off into the distance, his mind far away. 

“Seriously?” Noah rolled his eyes at the name, as Thomas stood in judgement of him. His arms were crossed over his chest, his hands tucked under his armpits as he glared down at him. It wasn’t a mean look per say, but rather just really annoyed. 

“Hey,” Ben nodded to him, pushing his own dark hair from his eyes with his gloved hand. His bangs were sticking out from under his blue toque, the curls of his deep brown hair not wanting to be kept back by the hat. 

“Sorry about--”

“What was that on Friday?” Thomas bit. “Come on man, that was cruel.” 

“I…” Noah looked down at his lap, fixing his sight on his deep washed jeans that curled at the cuffs. “I’ve been really stressed lately. I’ll make it up to you guys, promise.” 

“Stressed?” Ben repeated, his look of concern from the other day returning as he tried to read his best friend’s face, studying him with a close eye.

“Sure, we’re all stressed,” Thomas shrugged. “School’s a pain, my dad is constantly on my ass.” 

“How is she?” Ben asked, ignoring Thomas entirely. Noah met his eye, pressing his lips together. 

“She probably won’t be out in time for Christmas.” Noah missed his mom now that she was moved into the hospital completely. Her time there was only adding up and not decreasing, the acid in his stomach twisted at the thought of what it must be like to be locked away in the clinic.

“Have you seen here lately?” his friend continued with a sad smile. 

“No,” he gave up the answer after a hesitant pause. “I don’t think I can.” Thomas looked between Noah and Ben, curiosity evident in his eyes as he was left out of the conversation. He looked like he wanted to ask about what was happening but decided against it. 

“Don’t worry about it, H,” Ben held out a hand for him, pulling him up onto his feet. 

“Sorry for Friday, again. I’ll make it up to you.”

“We’ll hold you to it,” Thomas warned but with a playful tone, trying to lighten the mood. 

**C L I P T W O - _Tuesday, October 20th, 1:15am_**

> MOM
> 
> (Hebrews 12:1-2) Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, **2** fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

Noah let his phone fall onto his chest as he looked up at the ceiling, his eyes following the fine cracks in the plaster. Above him he could hear the footsteps on their neighbours walking around, living their life unaware of his. What were they doing up so late? Maybe they sleepwalk, or work late. He wondered how many problems they had. Did they lay awake at night thinking about a better life, a different life? Did they ever wonder how different their own life is in a different universe-- or was that only him? 

He wondered if James thought of himself like that. A boy who seemed perfect at everything. Who had a family, who had a girlfriend, who could recite Shakespeare one moment and then amaze you with a pencil the next. 

He wondered if Emma knew that he laid awake thinking about her, but not _like that_ . He saw her when he slept, but not _like that_ . He dreamed about her, but not _like that_ . And what hurt most of all is that he _wanted_ to think of her like that. 

_You gay? She’s totally into you._

No, Noah wasn’t that. He just didn’t like Emma… or Mackenzie. Or Sophia, or Ella, or Arwa, or Christina, or Sienna, or Riley, or any of the other girls he talked to. But that didn’t mean anything. That just meant he hadn’t found the right girl yet… right?

Sitting up he turned on his bedside lamp before leaning over the side of his bed and reaching for his laptop. He settled it into his lap as he pulled up Google. 

_Am I gay quiz_

The first result brought up a Buzzfeed quiz (of course it did), but even Noah knew not to trust the results of some billion dollar company that can also tell him what kind of breadstick he was. Yet, despite his own advice, he took the quiz anyway. 

**You got: Not Gay!**

Noah blinked at the result, bringing his thumb up to his mouth and biting down on his nail. That was the answer he wanted. That’s the answer he got. So why did it feel wrong? It was like he was holding his breath as he opened a new tab, his fingers hitting the keys with a quick pace as if someone could walk in any second and see him typing. 

_How to get turned on by girls?_

His finger hovered over the enter button. Closing his eyes he searched his question, the wifi seeming to be moving slower and slower as he waited with a nervous twitch of his index finger. 

“Come on,” he whispered under his breath as it finally loaded. 

Scrolling through the discord replies, his eyes scanned over them all with a desperate haste. 

_I get drunk and focus on what I find attractive about the girl. Works for me._

Noah swallowed the lump that had settled in his throat. _Works for me._

**C L I P T H R E E- _Tuesday, October 20th, 11:27am_**

Noah shoved at the loose papers on the top shelf of his locker, stuffing them in further as he tried to make room for his books. With a quick move, he managed to shut the door before they could scatter on the hallway floor. Holding it shut with his hand, he clicked the lock into place and gave the dial a spin back to zero. 

Exhaling, he ran a hand over his face, the feeling of a headache starting to creep its way between his eyebrows. Grabbing his backpack he made his way down the corridor, before his steps began to slow down. Emma was at her own locker, reaching in to grab her coat and keys. She hadn’t noticed him, his chances of walking past unscathed still pretty high. 

_Works for me._

She was pretty, the kind of pretty that seemed to come naturally. Her golden hair probably smelled like flowers or sweet fruit, her perfume probably a vanilla scent from Bath and Body Works like every girl seemed to wear. She probably had a melodic laugh that would make him smile. 

“Oh,” Emma said. In his daze of looking at her, he hadn’t noticed her shut her locker and turn to him. “I’ve got to go.”

“Emma, wait,” he called after her. She stopped, her shoulders drooping slightly as she moved to face him, her arms wrapped around herself. 

“What do you want, Noah?” 

“I--” he came to stand across from her, an arm’s reach away. “There’s a girl that I really like in grade eleven. She’s really smart, and beautiful and her smile is as bright as the sun. She’s so sweet to me, and I’m a total asshole to her. I never know what to say or do around her and so I act like a complete dumbass. I don’t text her back and I bail on her for no reason. I think you know her? She kind of looks like that girl from Disney?” Emma’s stoic, emotionless facade flickered like a broken tv screen, revealing the smile underneath.

“I think I know who you’re talking about,” she said, her lips still turned downwards, her eyes searching for the honesty in his apology. 

“I just wanted you to tell her that I’m sorry for being a dick and I’d understand if she never wanted anything to do with me again.” Emma looked at her feet, before meeting his eye again, her shoulders pulling back. 

“She says she forgives you,” her smile finally broke through. He returned the expression.

“I really do like you,” he said, truthfully. Noah knew that after this-- however long he managed to keep it lasting-- he’d probably fucked up the potential for a really good friendship. 

“I really like you too, but you’re still a jerk.” 

“That’s fair,” he laughed. “I can handle that.” 

**C L I P F O U R - _Wednesday, October 21st, 3:00pm_**

They moved gracefully, like calm waves washing over a sea shore on a summer day. The song was like a siren call, entrancing and calming like a hum of white noise, although Noah was pretty sure that’s not what his friends were noticing. Their eyes moved along the dancers bodies, but not observing their techniques. Their faces were frozen in looks of awe, but not for the same reason Noah’s was. Ben patted his arm repeatedly with the back of his hand, his head nodding to Mackenzie who was dancing in the far corner of the stage. 

He tilted his head to look at her, her dark skin tone contrasting against the light pink leotard, clashing against the pink ballet shoes that were anything but ‘skin colour’. He could understand the boys’ fascination with her. She definitely could model the front cover of a magazine. 

“Fuck man,” Thomas sighed next to him, his arm draped around Logan’s shoulders as they watched on. The girls swept down to the ground, before raising their legs in the air in a move that Noah would have called ‘technically challenging’ but Thomas would have called ‘fucking hot’. 

The song came to an end and the choreographer clapped his hands from the audience seats. He rose with a proud look on his face.

“Absolutely perfect, my darlings! Perfect! Why don’t you take your well deserved break and then we’ll rehearse the second peace! Be free my little muses of dance!” Noah snorted at the exclamation, drawing the attention of the teacher. He turned his head around to see the group of guys and raised his eyebrow.

“Boys? Care to explain why you’re peeping in on my dance practice? Or are you here to join?” Noah coughed, clearing his throat before speaking up. 

“Sophia sent me about the sheer fabrics for the semi formal? She said she talked to you about borrowing them?” 

“Ah, Miss Fuller, what a darling. Yes, I’ve dug up the material out of our dance storage! You know we used them in last year’s spring recital to mimik water-- it was quite stunning with the lights!” 

“Yes, I was there,” Logan agreed, although he wasn’t speaking much to the design of the show. “That was a _really_ good show.” 

The teacher made a face, clearly understanding Logan’s underlying intention. ““I’ll go get those for you, dear,” he said excusing himself. When he left through the door, out of ear shot, Noah laughed. 

“He’s so gay,” he commented. 

“What?” Ben said, his brows furrowing. Noah shrugged.

“He’s so gay. _My darlings?_ Ballet? He really couldn’t be more obvious. And us joining? What a joke.” Ben gave him a curious look.

“Since when are you mocking someone for being gay?”

“I’m not mocking. I’m just stating a very noticeable fact,” Noah shrugged, trying to cover up his miscalculation. 

“So you’re just stating that as fact? What an amazing observation, Noah,” Ben said sarcastically.

“Why are you so moody, today?” Noah asked him. Ben opened his mouth to fight back when the doors swung back open and the teacher walked in with a cardboard box. 

“Here you are.” 

* * *

As they left the theatre, Ben continued to give Noah a side look, as if trying to understand him. He clutched the box tighter to his chest the longer he was under his friend’s gaze. 

“Noah!” He froze, recognizing the voice immediately. James walked towards him, a coy smile pulling at his lips as he neared. His jean jacket was pulled over his hoodie, his jeans slightly too short to reach the top of his shoes. His hair looked like he’d been combing his fingers through it, strands pushed out of place. Noah curled his fingers into his palm as he held the box, holding himself back from the urge to swipe aside a stray hair that hung in his eye. Luckily, James moved it before his impulse could get the better of him. 

Noah didn’t respond, his voice caught in his throat. James gave him an odd look, as if to say _okayyyyy._

“You forgot these Friday,” James held out Noah’s white earbuds that he thought he had lost on the bus. Noah looked down at them and back up at James, feeling the eyes of all his friends on the back of his head. 

“Oh,” Noah took them, steadying the box with his other hand. “Thanks, man.” James’ smile twitched ever so slightly, before steadying itself back into place. 

“No problem, bro.” Noah swallowed. _Bro._ He said it was such an even tone that to anyone else it would have seemed like a friendly, natural response, but there was a shadow over James’ green eyes that made him falter. With a nod, James walked off down the hall and out the front doors. 

“Who was that?” Ben asked, his eyes still on James. 

“Uh, some new kid. I don’t really know him. He joined the semi-committee and tried to be friends with me,” Noah began to ramble as they continued their delivery to Sophia. 

“Friday?” Thomas repeated, the inquisition stung him.

“Yeah… on the bus-- we um, ran into each other on my way home. I must have left them on the seat or dropped them or something.” 

“Are we done talking about Noah and this new kid or whatever, because I just remembered my dream from last night!” Logan announced to Noah’s gratitude. “So,” he began with a slight pause. “I’m sleeping, not really dreaming, and then all the sudden I see Sophia, right? And she’s decked out in, like, black rubber spandex with a whip-- like a dominatrix, and she’s hitting me because I slept with some other girl. She’s just going at me and I woke up with such a big--”

“Hey, Sophia,” Noah said loudly as he noticed her waiting for them in the hall. Logan’s voice completely shut down, his mouth still open but no words coming out. Sophia looked disgusted, her face contorted into pure horror (and Noah couldn’t blame her).

“Soph, I--” Logan tried to backtrack but she held up a hand. She stopped talking.

“Thanks, Noah,” she grabbed the box from the shorter boy without a single word to Logan. She turned on her heels and walked into the classroom, slamming the door behind her. 

“Nice going,” Thomas whistled, slapping his back in a sarcastic congratulations. 

“You should really write a book on how to repaulse women,” Ben winced at the embarrassing situation. 

“I totally fuck up,” Logan’s voice dropped to a whisper, before he hung his head in his hands. His beach blond curls hung over his face and hands, shielding him from embarrassment. Noah curled his lips in, before patting him on the shoulder. _Looks like we both fucked up today, buddy._

**C L I P F I V E - _Friday, October 23rd, 6:32pm_**

It may have been Noah’s pre-party but Elijah went all out for it. He pulled out this mini disco light that projected colours around the room, he’d gone out to buy the beers, and even showed up with neon face paint because no party is complete without “neon face paint” he’d said. Noah didn’t question him as he got dragged out to Party City with Lynn following them with her normal scowl of disapproval. Eli had just hushed her and continued to help shop around despite their other roommate’s insistence that “allowing minors to drink is extremely illegal”.

“Lynn, everything is illegal to you,” Elijah said, setting out the red solo cups. “Just because you’re a criminology major doesn't mean you have to be the fun police. Live a little Lynn.” 

“My parents aren’t paying for me to study here so that you can let Noah and his high school buddies get wasted.”

“Would you rather them get wasted somewhere else? At least here, I know they’re drinking clean shit.” Noah looked between them, his head going back and forth like watching a ping pong match. 

“Fine, but I’m staying in my room.”

“Jocelynn, you will not,” he warned her. “You will not lock your ass in your room, you will have fun tonight.” Lynn narrowed her eyes at him.

“I don’t drink.”

“I didn’t tell you to drink, I told you to have fun. Dance, be merry! Party!” Eli shouted excitedly at the ceiling. Lynn rolled her eyes but grumbled an ‘okay’. Noah hated them sometimes, but every now and then he thought they were pretty chill.

“Are mom and dad done fighting?” Noah asked when a knock at the door came. Elijah clapped his hands, before gasping in remembrance and quickly pulling the younger boy aside. He took the face paint and drew two bright green lines across his cheeks like a football player.

“Okay, now you can go.” 

* * *

“What kind of music do you like?” Noah asked Emma as they sat curled up in the corner of the sofa. She had her arm propped up on the back of the couch, her head leaning against her hand. She had let Elijah draw pink hearts on her cheeks, and every time she smiled they pulled with her skin. 

“Um… Shawn Mendez, Justin Bieber!” She exclaimed, much to his amusement. 

“Really?” he asked, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Bieber? God, I thought we disowned him years ago.” 

“What kind of music do you like?” As she asked that, Noah’s eyes trailed off to the door which Sophia just opened. 

“Ugh, Queen, classic rock, but I really just like good songs,” he explained, as James walked in, Jessica under his arm. They greeted Sophia and she motioned them to mingle. He watched on, like his eyes were glued to him. He could hear Emma talking about something, but he wasn’t processing it anymore. He was too focused on trying to read James’ lips over the music. His head was lowered to say something to Jessica. When he looked back up, he caught Noah staring, but the younger boy didn’t care; Noah didn’t have any more time to give him. 

“Honestly it sucks--” he cut Emma off, leaning in to capture her lips with his own. She made a surprised sound that morphed into a sigh, as she curled her arm around his neck drawing him in closer. She tasted like the vodka in her glass; of lime and bitterness, mixed with her cherry lip gloss. He shut his eyes, keeping them clamped because he didn’t trust himself to not look over to James. Her palm pressed against his back, holding him tight, wanting to deepen the kiss. _Think about what you find attractive about her--_

“Oh, I like this song!” Emma pulled away, smiling. She brushed her thumb over his lips, removing whatever lip gloss had transferred. “Come dance with me.” 

* * *

Three songs into dancing, he was looking for a sign. A sign that told him that Emma wasn’t the path to take. That everytime his eyes met James’ across the room, that the twist of his heart was normal. His own hands were on Emma’s waist, stuck in place as she swayed against him. _Just one sign, universe. You’ve been kind of a dick lately, so please just give me one. fucking. hint._

“Ugh this song is so good!” Emma exclaimed, and although he didn’t recognize it, something in his mind clicked.

“What’s it called?” She smiled at him, her lips coming closer to his.

“Bad Together” He looked over her head, and James was watching him. As Emma mooned over the lyrics, Noah gulped at the title. Her lips brushed his and he didn’t stop her, letting his eyes flutter shut as she held onto him. His pulse was in his throat as they kissed, his heart rate racing. _Cause baby, I’ve been bad but the heavens forgave me,_ the words had already been sung and the singer had already moved on to begin her next line, but they played on repeat in his mind as Emma’s tongue brushed his. 

In the dark of the room, he let his eyes blink open just to see. Just to see. James was still looking, his expression stuck between amused and challenged, but before Noah could shy away, James quickly closed the space between himself and his girlfriend. Her fingers ran through his hair, tugging at the black stands with a familiarity that made Noah nauseous. Their lips met and pulled away in a teasing dance that seemed more like a show for Noah than for Jessica. His green eyes flickered open under the cheap neon of the mini disco projector, it’s lights reflecting in his irises like a kaleidoscope. Noah closed his eyes, forcing himself to break away from whatever game James was playing at, but his curiosity was stronger than his will. 

Emma was unaware that as she kissed Noah, he was picturing his fingers carding through James’ hair, thinking about his hands wrapped around him, pulling him close. It wasn’t a realization that was new, but it was one that he had been pushing away for a week now; burying it deep within his mind. It made him just as sick as watching him with someone else. All Noah could see as he looked out were James' green eyes watching him so carefully, their stare making him feel more vulnerable than he had ever felt. In front of him, he could feel Emma's presence like a looming shadow of everything he should be, should want to be, but couldn't be.

Noah’s girlfriend-- because that's what she seemed to be at this point-- pulled away, her lips leaning into his ear, her breath hot on his neck. 

“Maybe we should ditch the party.” Noah was certain that if she hadn’t been tucked in the crook of his neck, that she would have seen his wince at the suggestion. 

“Woooo!!!” They heard from behind them, giving Noah a chance to pull away from Emma. In the corner of the room, Elijah was dancing around Lynn with the enthusiasm of a five year old on a sugar high. As he swayed off beat, Noah shook his head at his ridiculously bad dancing. 

“I love your roommate!” Emma laughed, watching him with a tilted head. “Gay people are really fun at parties, aren’t they?” 

“Don’t you think that’s a generalization?” a voice spoke up, joining the conversation. Behind them, Arwa had appeared, her arms crossed. 

“What?”

“You know, it’s a stereotype,” she explained with flat expression. 

“Well at least it’s a _nice_ stereotype. I wasn’t saying anything mean,” Emma defended, standing toe to toe with Arwa. Noah didn’t understand how this night was going so south. 

“You know what, this conversation is boring,” Emma said, before Araw could keep going. “Why don’t we go somewhere more quiet, Noah?” 

“Actually, Noah, it’s time we all leave,” Arwa saved him without knowing. 

“Why don’t you go on ahead, Emma and I’ll catch you there? I have to stay back and clean. It won’t be much fun here.” Emma squinted her eyes at him, an air of disappointment and confusion surrounding her. 

“Yeah, go catch an Uber,” Araw told her through a plastic smile. Emma huffed at her, but pulled Noah in for another kiss before beginning to leave with everyone else.

* * *

“Do you need a hand?” James asked once everyone left. Noah looked up at him from the kitchen sink where he was dumping out cups and half finished cans of beer. 

“What are you still doing here?” he questioned him, tossing the handful of plastic into the trash bag. 

“Well Emma and Jessica really hit it off and took an Uber together. I said that I would stick around and help you.” Noah opened his mouth slightly. 

“You’d rather be here than with your girlfriend?”

“I could ask you the same thing,” James rebutted. 

“Emma’s really nice…” Noah chose to reply instead, as he avoided James’ gaze. He emptied another cup. “Jessica seems nice too.”

“Yeah, she’s great,” he agreed, leaning his back against the counter, his attention never leaving Noah’s face. “You know, we’ve been together since grade ten.” To that, Noah looked at him from the corner of his eye. 

“That’s a long time.” 

“Yeah… to be honest, I can feel us turning in circles though, like we're drifting apart.” Noah bit his lip as he threw out some more cans. With a portion of the counter now clear, Noah sat on it, his feet dangling off the ground. If he moved his leg a centimeter more, he would have brushed up against James’ hip. 

“Oh.” 

“But I can’t break up with her,” he said solemnly. “If I do, she’ll think it’s because of her diagnoses.” 

“What does she have?”

“Acute hygienic arrest,” he shook his head, sadly. “Her body odor is… like toxic waste. She tries so hard to curb it-- the most powerful deodorant, creams, powders, sprays. Nothing. It’s a rare genetic disease that’s passed onto every couple of generations.” 

“That must be awful for her,” Noah muttered, casting his eyes down.

“Yeah, and for me too, but I try not to bring it up because she’s sensitive about it. But honestly, it’s like… the worst thing you’ve ever smelled.” Noah didn’t know if he wanted to laugh or pity her, or him. As he looked to meet his eye, he caught something flash over the other boy’s features.

“You’re fucking with me, aren’t you?” James’ serious expression broke, and his laughter cut through. “Fuck you.” 

“Consider this pay back for _Charlotte the Ghost of the Stairwell_.” Noah groaned, forgetting he’d told him that stupid story. 

“What gave it away?” James asked, leaning in with his head. 

“Jessica is too pretty for her genetics to fail her like that,” Noah said, unsure of why his voice got quieter. “ _Jessica.”_ He turned his head and James was taking him in with a gaze that he couldn’t quite describe.

He was beautiful from up close; all smooth skin and angular features that gave him an angelic beauty that Noah didn’t have. James looked like something off the pages of one of Elijah’s fashion magazines and next to Jessica, he looked like they could take over the entire industry as a power couple. But the boy wasn’t with his girlfriend right now. No, right now his side was brushing up against Noah’s knee as their heads moved closer together, the space between them--that at one point felt like a chasm--was now barely a few inches. From this distance, Noah could see the imperfect lines and cracks in the boy’s lips as his sight focused on them. Raising a hesitant hand, Noah went to touch his jaw, if not to steady James’ face, then to stop his own hand from shaking. His eyes fluttered closed, the anticipation stuck in his chest like a butterfly caught between his ribs. 

But the universe hated him, and so as they almost kissed, the slam of the apartment door pulled them back. Noah quickly slipped off the countertop to put as much distance as he could between them. James stuffed his hands into his pocket, a faint tint of pink spreading on his cheeks as Noah raced from the kitchen and into the hallway.

Noah’s eyes widened at the sight of Isla standing in front of the door, her hands resting on her suitcase handle. “Hi.”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I 10/10 would recommend reading to kiss scene from CLIP #9 with the song "Bad Together" by Dua Lipa playing. Give the song a bit of a head start until she sings "Baby you're okay, baby you're okay" and it should match up! 
> 
> As always, let me know what you thought about the episode!
> 
> Party City: Its a party supply store. It also sells costumes year round.


	4. Episode Four: I Want To Break Free

**C L I P O N E - _Saturday, October 25th, 9:58 am_**

When Noah woke up, he found Isla sitting crossed legged on the sofa, a cup of tea in her hands as Elijah and Lynn fawned over her. Her lips were chapped as she bit them, her eyes were almost as red as her hair, which looked even more untameable than normal. 

“You might have left his ass,” Elijah spoke with an empowering tone. “You might have decided that his bullshit wasn’t worth it, but you still get to feel sad, angel.”

“It’s just…” her voice faltered as she brushed away a stray tear that spilled down her cheek. Eli and Lynn were squishing her between their bodies, trying to supply as much comfort as possible. Slipping in, Noah sat in the sofa chair near the edge of the room, only Lynn looking over at him when he did. He sent her an awkward smile, but she didn’t even bat an eyelash at him. “He was different when we got there, you know? Like he was different around his work friends, and different with his dad. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone in London.”

“Of course not,” Elijah supplied, lightly. He tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear. 

“I need more than the four hours a day he pencils me in for. Is that how I should live my life? Being scheduled into his calendar?” 

“Fuck him,” Lynn said with her deadpan expression. It was hard to believe that Isla and Lynn were related. Her cousin gave a huff of a laugh.

“But we’re just on a break… I didn’t dump him… if he loves me, he’ll come after me, right?”

As the conversation continued down a path that Noah didn’t feel he needed to hear, he began to scroll through his Instagram feed. 

Emma posted a new photo, one of her with the neon hearts on her face, laughing in the middle of an empty sidewalk. He liked it, double tapping before continuing to numbly and mindlessly sort through pictures of cats and lattes. Then something flashed, his eye flickering to the corner of his screen as a notification came through. 

@ _notlovedwisely has requested to follow you_

Furrowing his brows he clicked on the account. The corners of his lips tugged up in the corners as he noticed the profile picture: it was a picture of one of James’ drawings. A man with a cigarette, shadowed by thin lines of precise placement. 

> _Message to @notlovedwisely_
> 
> _Last night was fun._
> 
> _Do you want to hang out today?_

Smiling down at his phone, he watched as three bubbles appeared as James typed. 

> _Message from @notlovedwisely_
> 
> _Yeah it was!_
> 
> _But I can’t today, sorry. See you at school_

His smile faded as he closed his phone.

“Noah can sleep on the sofa,” Lynn said, pulling him back into the conversation. He narrowed his eyes at her.

“What? Why?”

“Are you going to make Isla sleep on the sofa?” she shot back. “Look at her she’s a wreck!”

“I’m not,” Isla spoke for herself. “And I don’t live here anymore. I’ll take the couch.”

“If you want, Isla--” he began to offer but she shut him down.

“I’m okay on the sofa, seriously, don’t worry about me. Okay?” He nodded. “Good, now I’ve been craving the coffee shop down the block.” 

“I don’t blame you,” Noah told her. “Lynn’s tea is some kind of miracle, herbal shit she probably bought from Goop.” Lynn went to fight back but Isla just laughed and stood up.

“Come with me, Noah?”

“Sure.” He got up and began to make a grab for his coat, when a light hand was placed on his forearm. 

“Hey, before I forget, I brought you back something,” Isla smiled at him, before bending down to get something from her suitcase that was open and propped up against the wall in the hallway. She handed him something wrapped in tissue paper. He raised his brow as he accepted it, carefully unwrapping in. It was a Big Ben magnet. 

“You went,” he laughed, turning it around in his hand to examine it. 

“I told you I would,” she ruffled his hair. He swatted her hand away, but his smile didn’t fade. 

“Coffee’s on me today,” Noah told her as she reached for her purse. “But let’s go before the other two hear--”

“Noah’s paying for coffee?” Elijah popped his head around the corner. “Great! Iced americano, please and thank you!!” 

**C L I P T W O - _Monday, October 26th, 9:48am_**

As Noah came out of his advanced functions class he found Ben waiting for him by the door, looking through the crowd of students for him.

“Hey man,” Noah said, clasping his hand into a sideways hug. “What are you doing here.”

“I didn’t get a chance to talk to you this morning,” he shrugged. “And uh, I’ve got that hockey thing later so I won’t see you after school either.” Noah gave him an offsided glance, as they walked towards the stairs. “I tried to call you this weekend.” 

“Uh, yeah,” Noah scratched his nose. “I saw. Sorry, this weekend was just crazy. Isla came home, did you hear?”

“Yeah, Ella mentioned it.” Noah raised a brow, a knowing smirk on his lips. 

“Ella? You’re talking to Ella again?” Ben brushed off his attempt to change the subject. 

“I just wanted to remind you that it’s Logan’s birthday Sunday.” Noah let out a long breath. 

“Shit, thanks for the heads up.”

“Yeah, so Thomas and I were thinking about going to the indoor skatepark off of the DVP near Cliffside. My mom said I could take the car, so you in?” 

“Totally,” Noah nodded with a smile. “Not like I’m going to get wasted at Chris’ party on Halloween.”

“Same, I’ve got to take Lucy trick or treating this year.”

“Elijah is putting me on candy duty, so it’s not going to be any better for me.” 

**C L I P T H R E E - _Wednesday, October 28th, 2:13 pm_**

> MOM
> 
> Be gracious to me Lord! According to your compassion and your loving kindness, blot out my transgression! 
> 
> MOM
> 
> Wash and cleanse me of my sin! For I know my transgression, my sin, is against You and only You.
> 
> MOM
> 
> I have sinned in Your sight. So that you are justified when you Speak, and blameless when you judge! 

“Are you even listening to me, Noah?” Arwa waved a hand over his phone screen to get his attention. Looking up, he sat his phone face down and picked up his pencil.

“Sorry, what were you saying?” She rolled her eyes.

“I was going over the worksheet. The question on Darwin--”

“Can I ask you a question,” Noah interrupted her much to her annoyance. “I don’t mean to be rude, but… why do you study science? Is it not against your religion?” Shifting in her seat, she turned her body towards him, capping her pen. 

“What do you mean?”

“Doesn’t the evolutionary theory contradict your beliefs?” he gave as an example. Arwa shrugged. 

“Doesn’t mean I can’t learn about it.”

“Why are you religious? It’s 2020, the world is changing and you’re still here with a god that’s--that’s telling you that homosexuality is wrong” She quirked her eyebrow “… and… pork and stuff.” He added quickly. She pursed her lips for a second before replying.

“What do you believe in?”

“Science,” he told her. 

“Okay, science. Well, according to _science_ homosexuals should have died out by now, no? They serve no purpose to the continuation and evolution of our species since they don’t reproduce. It’s a genetic dead end. So if we look at it from a scientific perspective, they should have died out millions of years ago, unless homosecuality is a _choice_ you make, or a mental illness. So what do you have to say to that?”

“I… it’s not like I go around thinking about gay people all the time.”

“So since you don’t have the answers to everything, why don’t we leave what’s between heaven and earth alone, okay, and respect that we both have different beliefs?”

**C L I P F O U R - _Wednesday, October 28th, 4:00 pm_ **

The ticket sales went relatively smooth, and neither he or James had to call Sophia to get them out of a mess. 

“I’ll call today a success,” James announced, packing up the money. Noah nodded, leaning against the plastic fold out table. 

“Considering that we’ve sat here with a good couple of hundreds of dollars in the box and no one stole it, I’d say so.” James chuckled at his comment, making Noah slightly proud of himself for making him laugh. 

“Are you going to Chris’ party Saturday?” he asked, clicking the metal money box shut. 

“I wasn’t really planning on it.” Noah paused. “Are you?”

“Why don’t you come with me?” Noah choked on the unexpected invitation. James smiled, as he waited for an answer. “I’ll make it worth your while?” Noah thought he might die if he didn’t start breathing again. 

“Hey loverboys,” Emma waved to them coming down the hall, a key jingling at her side. Her hair was pulled up high on her head in a ponytail that swung with every step her heeled boots made on the floors. “I’ll take that from you and bring it into lock up.” She jiggled the key for emphasis. James handed the box to her and she held it against her stomach with a comfortable grip. “What were y’all talking about?”

“The halloween party,” James answered when Noah didn’t.

“Oh!” she exclaimed, excitedly. “We should totally do a double date to it!” 

“Huh?” Noah managed to say without sounding as strangled as he felt. He wanted to melt into the table, or at least pull his beanie over his eyes and hum loudly. 

“You know, me, you, and James and Jessica! Doesn’t sound like a great time!” The younger boy didn’t miss how James’ eyes flickered over to him at the suggestion. 

“Sure, I’ll tell Jess,” he agreed, stuffing his hands in his pockets. Emma smiled a toothy grin.

“Great! Meet at your place?” James opened his mouth at the incredulousness.

“Sure,” he gave in. 

“This is going to be super fun!” Emma cheered, before turning to Noah. She placed a gentle hand on his cheek before kissing him. “I’ll see you later, baby.”

Noah couldn’t meet James’ eye as his girlfriend’s footsteps retreated further away. He kept his gaze anywhere but on James, finding himself memorized by the chipping paint on the walls, and the dusty footsteps on the ground. If the other boy wanted to say anything, he didn’t-- but he was thankful for the silence no matter how awkward. He didn’t think he could've beared any small talk about Emma or Jessica, especially after what almost happened last Friday. 

**C L I P F I V E- _Saturday, October 31st, 8:00 pm_ **

Noah fidgeted with the halo on his head, the headband sitting uncomfortably in his hair as Emma sat next to him inthralld in a conversation with Jessica. Emma insisted on a couple’s costume, but with the last minute of it all, they turn out pretty basic. Her red dress clung to her like a wet t-shirt, as her blonde hair curled down her back, fitted with devil horns on top of her head. Her red lipstick made her teeth shine impossibly white as she smiled, making her look like a glow stick in a dark room. Even with the Dollarama hair piece digging into his scalp, he thanked the simplicity of her idea. Her choice of his light blue button down shirt, revealing a plain white t-shirt, had made his life easier. 

“I go to UofT,” Jessica told them, but mostly Emma. “For political science-- or I’m hoping to claim that as my major. First year you’re a general student for the department of social science.”

“Seems complicated,” Emma related. Jessica shrugged, flattening her poofy pink skirt out. She was dressed like a fifties girl in a poodle skirt with her brown hair tied up in a pink bow. Next to her, James sat with a black leather jacket, his hair combed back like he should have been standing next to a motorcycle. 

“Well you’ll figure it this year, don’t worry about it.”

“Actually I’m only sixteen,” Emma corrected. “Noah is seventeen.” 

“Oh,” Jessica said surprised. “It feels like we’re talking to someone our age doesn’t it?” 

The question was directed at James, who had also been sitting in an awkward silence while the girls talked. 

“You two are the same age?” Noah asked, leaning forward. 

“We’re both eighteen,” Jessica affirmed. 

“But you’re in grade twelve?” Emma seemed just as confused. James shifted in his seat. 

“I’m actually taking an extra semester for grade thirteen, but I decided to take it at your school instead of my home school.” James seemed reluctant to explain any further and Noah didn’t want to press.

“Huh,” Emma huffed, but shrugged it off. James seemed to revert into himself, as he opened another beer and leaned back, as if to bury himself on the sofa. Noah watched him with an empathetic look. He knew what it was like to admit things you’re not proud of-- hell look at his entire last year with Ella and Ben and the shit show he caused. He probably understood better than anyone else.

“James, I think you had enough beer,” Jessica noted, her voice like a mother warning her toddler. 

“This is my second. I might not have graduated but I can still count, Jess,” he snapped and although he continued to stand his ground aftwards, Noah could tell he regretted it. _Did he regret it because Jessica winced at the verbal slap in the face, or did he regret snapping in front of other people?_

Jessica rose from her spot before walking out of the living room and down a hallway. The slam of a door shutting echoed after a moment. Emma looked between the boys before getting up to go after her new friend. When her figure disappeared around the corner too, James sighed heavily. 

“I’m sorry you had to see that,” he apologised. “It’s just… this is not how I wanted this night to go.”

“How did you want this night to go?”

“Just the two of us. Didn’t you want that too?” The question hung in the air, Noah flickering his eyes up from the spot on the ground. 

“Yeah,” he whispered. James’ mouth pulled at the corners, returning his expression to the one Noah knew the best. 

“Then let’s go,” he said standing quickly. Noah looked up at him in confusion.

“What?” James extended his hand to him, and without hesitation, Noah gave it to him. As their fingers entwined together, it was like getting a shock from a capart, but warmer, softer. 

“Come on, I want to take you somewhere.” 

**C L I P S I X - _Saturday, October 31st, 8:39 pm_ **

“Will you tell me where we’re going?” Noah laughed, as James shushed him with a finger hovering over his mouth. The younger boy rolled his eyes, but closed his mouth, letting James walk ahead of him, leading the way. The residential street was fairly quiet for Halloween night. The city was only a few blocks away, but it felt like a different world out here. Even the cars seemed to drive slower, and roar quieter as they passed on through. They’d only gone a few streets away from James’ house, although they weren’t that far from Noah’s apartment. Maybe fifteen minutes by bus at most.

Stuffing his hands into his pockets, he wondered where all the kids were trick or treating. Every now and then, he’d catch sight of a mom and dad with a group of kids going from door to door wherever a light was on. 

“There aren’t that many kids out.” 

“There are a lot of little ones in the neighbourhood so they tend to go out earlier,” James explained. “Besides that, all the good candy is two streets that way,” he pointed to the right. “The biggest KitKats, I swear.” Noah smiled at his childlike enthusiasm.

“Did you go out often around here?” James looked back at him, slowing down until they were shoulder to shoulder. 

“If my parents were in town and could take me, then yes. If not, I’d go to my grandparents in Etobicoke and they’d take me out. This house--” he pointed to a porch with their lights on. “Belongs to a really nice old lady who used to give me extra candy because I would always wave to her on my way to school.” 

“That’s sweet,” Noah said, looking up at him, noticing how the street lights bathed him in a harsh yellow glow. And yet, he still looked perfect. A loud bubble of laughter erupted on the other side of the street as a few kids their age, adjusted their masks and approached another porch. 

They kept walking until James stopped him, placing a light taught to his elbow. He held up a finger, telling him to hold on. Noah wrapped his arms around himself, watching with a comfortable smile as James went up to a door. 

He knocked and a few seconds later, a little girl answered it with a big grin as she recognized who it was. She excitedly twirled around for him to show off her dinosaur onesie, and Noah could hear him tell her how scary she looked in it. She giggled and he handed her a purple ten dollar bill. She picked up a little pale shaped like an orange jack o'lantern and stuffed it inside. Then her mother, who was standing behind her, handed James a small bag of candy. From between his legs, the little girl looked over at Noah and waved. He waved back. She said something to James, but he couldn’t hear what it was as a car passed by. She handed him another bag of candy before he left. 

“What was that about?” Noah asked with a laugh on his tongue, when he returned. 

“That’s Shivani,” he began to explain. “Every year she collects money for UNICEF.” 

“That is…” he couldn’t find the words. 

“She wants to help people,” he said before handing him a bag of candy. “And this, she said, is and I quote, ‘candy for your cute angel’.” He accepted the bag, clutching it to his chest. They walked in a comfortable silence until they reached a small parkett. 

James expertly climbed the play structure that they had no business being on. He held a hand out for Noah, and helped him up, until they were sitting, overlooking the trees from the highest point. 

“It looks like it’s going to rain,” Noah commented, looking at the cloudy night sky. 

“Scared of the rain, are you?” James teased. 

“Scared of ghosts, are you?” Noah countered. 

“Something has to be real for you to be scared of it.” Noah thought about the statement for a moment.

“No one is scared of _ghosts_ ,” he began slowly. “People are scared about the unknown; scared about feeling scared or surprised. They’re scared of malintentions-- they’re even scared of their past mistakes, but never _ghosts_.”

“They’re just scared about what ghosts stand for,” James summarized. 

“Yes.” 

“Hmm,” James took a bit of a candybar. “Interesting. So then, what are you scared of?” 

“Nothing.” 

“Nothing?” he laughed. “Sounds fake, but okay.”

“Fine, a lot of things. Too many things. Big things.”

“Why don’t we start with something small,” he suggested. Noah looked down. 

“I’m afraid of this fire escape style pole because it looks like a concussion waiting to happen. I mean, I skateboard and this thing looks more dangerous.” 

“That’s more like it.” Above them, little drops of rain started drizzling. Noah put his hand out to feel them on his skin, letting the droplets begin to coat his palm. He knew James was watching him, he could feel his stare on the side of his face. Then his hand was in someone else's, as he looked down at the laced fingers he felt his heart flutter. 

“James,” he whispered, looking into the other boy’s green eyes. As their foreheads came together, he could feel his breath warm on his cold skin. Their lips brushed together, like the summer breeze blowing past a flower. The rain was coming down harder now as the storm passed overhead. The sudden, heavy shift in the rain, made Noah pull away despite his own wishes. The universe truly did despise him. James’ hand left his, and before he knew it, the older boy was no longer next to him. 

“What the-- James!” he shouted down to him. The darker skinned boy smiled up at him with a smirk as he stood at the bottom of the firepole. 

“Face your fears, Noah!” he called up. “It’s never too late for a little bit of adventure!” 

“This is not an adventure! Running away to England is an adventure, this is a trip to the ER!” But James knew what he was doing. He knew that he was standing down there looking all kissable with his now wet hair and leather jacket. “Fuck me,” he cursed, reaching out for the metal pole.

“If I die, I’m coming back to haunt your ass and you’ll really wish there was no such thing as ghosts!” 

“Stop stalling, Olsen! You’ve got five seconds before I leave you here for good.” 

“You wouldn’t!” James raised his brows in threat. Fuck. Closing his eyes, he clenched his teeth as he let himself drop off the platform. The distance from the ground to the top of the play escape was pathetically short (obviously, it was for children) but it still managed to terrify the shit out of him. As his feet landed on the wet sand, he almost fell over, but James caught him. Steadying him back on his feet, he noticed how the other boy’s touch lingered on his waist, and how much Noah didn’t want the touch to leave. Their eyes met. 

“I kind of always thought our first kiss would be in a swimming pool,” Noah admitted, with a blush. 

“Like Romeo and Juliet? I thought you hated Shakespeare.”

“I think the lady doth protest too much,” Noah recited.

“The lady doth protest too much, methinks,” James corrected, absentmindedly. He looked like he was going to apologize but Noah couldn’t take it any longer. 

Pulling him in by the back of his neck, he crashed their lips together. James wrapped one arm around his waist holding close, while his other held his cheek. Noah sighed as they finally kissed, a small sound that was embarrassingly sudden. But he didn’t have too much time to dwell as Noah’s senses soon became flooded by him; the intoxication of everything from his cologne, to the taste of chocolate and lime that lingered in his mouth, becoming the overpowering thing on his mind. 

The rain continued to pour relentlessly, sending a shiver down Noah’s back as the cold water seeped through all his layers. James pulled away, holding Noah’s face between his hand, studying him with a soft gaze. 

“You’re going to catch a cold,” he said finally. Noah laughed as he was brought into an embrace, his face finding its way to the crook of James’ neck. This was the best night of his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dollarama: a Canadian dollar store (that rarely has things for a dollar or less lol)
> 
> UofT: University of Toronto (one of our more prestigious universities, located in downtown Toronto)
> 
> Grade 13: You can't "fail" your last year of high school in Ontario-- you can fail to attain a credit(s), which means that you wouldn't have to repeat the year, but just take another semester to retake the class (if it's only one credit you can do it during the summer, depending on what it is). Grade 13 is a real thing! It used to be mandatory but now it's optional if you don't want to go to uni right away or if you need to take extra courses!
> 
> Etobicoke: a municipality of Toronto 
> 
> UNICEF: When I was a kid, my school would give us these UNICEF trick or treat bags to collect money for the UN to help improve the health, education and lives of children and their mothers. Sometimes kids would collect bags of candy or money for the Sick Kid's Hospital instead.


	5. Episode Five: Stone Cold Crazy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Buckle up folks, we're getting closer and closer to hell week!

**C L I P O N E - _Sunday, November 1st, 8:49am_**

There was something about waking up next to someone else that Noah never thought he'd be able to properly explain. It was like an overwhelming sense of comfort, as his eyes opened to find James curled at his side, like a cat fast asleep. He looked at him, studying him in the moment of repose like how he imagined an artist would study their subject: for memorization, for understanding, for extreme familiarity. His hair was slightly wavy, having been wet and then dried overnight against the pillow. His lashes fell against his skin, his face like a marble statue in both peacefulness and beauty. He couldn’t help but look at him. 

**C L I P T W O - _Sunday, November 1st, 10:47am_**

James pulled him close, hooking his arm around his waist with a precision he learned too quickly. Noah melted in his hands, as his own fingers brushed over his jaw and cheek before settling in his soft hair. The dark blue and grey blanket that had once been around them had been kicked to the foot of the bed, most of it having spilled onto the floor with the force. Their legs were entwined, fitted together like puzzle pieces. James’ touch sent a trill down his spine as it moved up the back of his shirt; the older boy’s warm touch was like a spark. 

When their lips finally parted, it was only for air. Their foreheads tipped together as they breathed like marathon runners. The thought made Noah chuckle, his laughter spilling out of him like a balloon slowly deflating. James smiled with his eyes, as he watched him with a blissful expression. 

“You’re beautiful,” he trailed his thumb over Noah’s jaw. The compliment made him blush, pink spreading high on his features. 

**C L I P T H R E E - _Sunday, November 1st, 11:01am_**

“What are you thinking about?” James asked as they both laid on their backs, staring up at the ceiling in a calm silence. 

“About the other universes.”

James turned his head, pressing his cheek into the pillow. “The other universes?”

Noah shrugged against the mattress, his sight still upwards. He’d spent so many nights lying awake in this bed, in the pure quiet of the ungodly morning hours, and yet those didn’t feel as peaceful as it did right now, with the sound of James’ breathing lulling him into a steady rhythm. “Do you believe in parallel universes?” 

“Where there are a bunch of different versions of you in different timelines?” 

“Yeah. There are billions of us living our lives completely differently. Each choice we make in this universe, splits the timeline.” 

“So if I kiss you right now, there’s a version of me who doesn’t?” Noah exhaled a brief huff of amusement. 

“Yes,” he confirmed. “There’s also a universe where you go to kiss me but… break my nose or something.” James winces at the thought.

“Oof, that version of James needs better depth perception.” Their conversation trailed off to a pause for a moment before James continued. “No, I don’t think I believe in that.” 

“No?”

“It kind of freaks me out, thinking about all the universes.” Noah tilts his head to see him. 

“What freaks you out? The vastness of it?”

“The loneliness, I think.” 

“With all those versions of me?” Noah jokes. “I don’t think you’d be lonely.” James only gives him a half-hearted smile, his mind beginning to slip further away. 

“It’s not a kind of… people lonely, but more of a mental one. It’s like standing in the middle of a stadium with hundreds of thousands of people around you but you still feel alone. Do you ever feel like that?”

“I don’t think so,” Noah admitted, wishing that he could’ve been able to comfort him. 

“Being left alone with your thoughts…” he paused. “They’ll never go away, your thoughts. They’ll always be there, and the only way to silence them is to die.” 

“That’s a sad thought.” James went quiet, his eyes no longer looking at Noah, but rather through him. Leaning up, he kissed the underside of his jaw, pulling him out of his daze. 

“You okay?” Before James could answer there was a knock at his door. Noah froze. 

“Cupcake, are you going to stay locked away in there forever?” Elijah’s voice came through the door. 

“I’m just tired!” he called back to him. 

“Are you sure you’re alright?”

“Yes, Eli!” he said exasperated. There was a brief moment of nothing before he finally heard footsteps retreating. Noah let out a sigh, pressing his face into James’ chest. 

“How did you end up living here?” James asked, running his fingers through Noah’s hair. 

“I knew Isla through some friends and she was leaving and her roommates needed a replacement. She offered me her room.”

“I didn’t know you could live on your own so young.”

“My dad-he… I needed a place to stay because my dad left my mom and I couldn’t live with her or him because-- because he has a different family, so to save all the bullshit, he lets me live here.”

“I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t be, I’m doing good on my own.” James pressed a kiss to the top of his head, before their peaceful bubble was yet again bursted, this time by James’ phone. With a groan, he reached for it, it’s screen still lit up by the message. 

“Your parents?”

“They’re out of town,” he shook his head.

“... Jessica?” James gave him a saddened look, his eyes drooping as he pressed his lips into an apologetic smile. The older boy didn’t even write back, he only shut his phone and tossed it aside. 

“I just want to stay here forever with you,” he told him, “How many universes are there where I stay here forever?” Noah thinks about it, humming as he does.

“At least 100,000.”

“Make it 100,001, because this James is staying.” 

**C L I P F O U R - _Sunday, November 1st, 6:08pm_**

When Noah woke back up, the sun was no longer where it had been shining bright and high in the early afternoon. Instead it was nearly about to set, with maybe a half hour or so left to go. Rolling over, he reached out for James before realizing the sudden lack of warmth beside him. Propping himself up with one hand, he looked to find the bed empty cold to the touch. Whenever he left, it was a while ago. But in his place, on the pillow, was a small sheet of white paper. 

_Somewhere in another universe there’s a James who gets to wake up with you again. He’s one lucky bastard. You’re beautiful when you sleep._

On the other side of the paper was a little drawing of a disney-esque version of them asleep next to each other. 

_In another universe._

Smiling to himself, Noah placed the paper in his bedside drawer before reaching for his phone. Turning it on, his eyes widened. 

_Twelve messages from The Brozzz Group Chat_

_Four missed calls from Ben_

_One message from @bennyboiiiii_

> @bennyboiiiii
> 
> I hope you’re okay but honestly dude like wtf?

Pressing the heels of his palms into his eyes, he felt like he’d gone from having the best day to the worst. He missed Logan’s birthday. He was a terrible person. Fuck.

Groaning, Noah rolled out of bed grabbing his shirt off the ground and slipping it back on as he left his room. Hiding a yawn with the back of his hand, he walked into the kitchen to find something to eat. 

Sitting around the dinner table were Isla and Elijah in a deep conversation and per usual, Lynn was MIA.

“Well good morning,” Isla greeted him, smiling into her glass as she took a sip of water. “I made pasta if you want some. I left it on the stove for you.” 

“Thank you,” he said, sleepily. For someone who literally didn’t leave his bed all day, he was extremely tired. The human body was weird like that. 

“So, Noah,” Elijah’s voice came out pitched as he dragged out his name. “James is really nice.” Noah almost dropped the plate in his hands, but thankfully recovered before he thought anyone noticed (they all did). 

“You met him?” he said, not facing them. He didn’t need to see them to know they were sharing a look amongst themselves. 

“Yeah, when he was leaving.” 

“Who is he?” Isla joined the interrogation, between bites of food. He finally spun around to face them. 

“No one, just a friend. He got drunk at Chris’ so I let him sleep here,” he replied as casually as he could. It seemed to work (it didn’t). 

“Oh, that was nice of you,” she told him. 

“Is he a new frie--” Eli began to question further, but before he could be forced to answer, he put the plate down. Grabbing a box of granola bars out of the cupboard he left for his room. He’d rather live like his room was a bomb shelter than be in this kitchen with Scully and Mulder any longer. He’d come out when he was ready to graduate.

**C L I P F I V E - _Monday, November 2nd, 8:10am_**

Noah saw the guys standing in the foyer as he walked in; Logan telling a story as the other two shook their head at the stupidity. As he approached them, he knew they’d want an explanation-- at least Ben would, but he wasn’t ready to give him one just yet. Maybe in a few weeks, maybe if James became something real. He hoped he would, but the flutter he felt in his chest at the thought quickly dissipated when his friends caught sight of him. 

“I’m so sorry I missed your birthday,” Noah apologized, pulling Logan into a hug. The taller boy patted him on the back.

“All cool, man,” he shrugged it off, but he could tell he was still a bit hurt. His sad smile was meant to be pitiful, but Noah didn’t need pity today. Today he felt great. 

“I’ll make it up to you, I promise.”

“Where have we heard that one before?” Thomas muttered, stuffing his hands in his pockets and avoiding his eye. Noah bit his tongue, knowing that Thomas had a right to be upset. They all did. 

“So where were you?” Ben inquired, studying his face carefully. 

“I uh, went to see my mom,” he lied. He knew he shouldn’t have, especially about that. He hadn’t seen her in two months. Ben’s suspicion dropped, not entirely, but enough for concern to become his main expression. 

“How was she?” Noah shrugged, casting his eyes down at his feet. He didn’t have to have seen her to know she wasn’t any better than before. Maybe she’d even out in a few weeks. His non-verbal response seemed to be enough to warrant a cease fire on the prying questions. 

“Well you missed a killer time,” Logan hung his arm around Noah’s shoulder. “The guys set me up with Sophia.” 

“Really?” he said with disbelief. “And? Did you hook up?”

“Well, no,” Logan mumbled.

“But there was that one thing,” Thomas imputed, and Logan groaned. “Remember, bro. I’ll never forget it!” 

“How can you?” Ben laughed. “It’s seared into my memory for life.” 

“What happened?” Noah asked confused, his eyes searching all his friends’ faces. The three guys shared a look.

“Well… it’s a long story,” Ben supplied. “You had to be there.” 

“Oh, no, yeah,” Noah said with a shrug. “I get it.” 

**C L I P S I X - _Monday, November 2nd, 11:05am_**

Noah was already gone when the lunch bell rang, his foot already one step out the door. Despite the odd look he got from one of the teachers in the hall, no one batted an eye at him as he raced up the stairs to try and catch James coming from his english class. The halls hadn’t even filled with students yet; some classes were still packing up by the time he reached room. Peeking in through the propped open door, he tried to scan the students for him, his brows furrowing when he couldn’t find him. 

“Hey, Noah,” Christopher greeted him with a first bump as he walked out of the english course.

“Hey, um, do you know James Min?” Chris nodded. “Have you seen him today?” 

“No, but he misses a lot, so,” he shrugged. “It's more strange when I do see him.”

“Thanks.” Chris gave him a pat on the shoulder as he continued on his way. 

**C L I P S E V E N - _Thursday, November 5th, 2:45pm_**

Noah was about to fall asleep if his teacher kept droning on about cells. It wasn’t even the content, but he just hadn’t slept well the past two nights. Running his fingers through his hair, he leaned back in his chair trying to listen. Arwa was next to him taking furious notes with her array of pens and highlighters; no doubt notes that he would ask for later.

Letting his eyes wander, they fell on the door, finding a familiar face looking through the window. James smiled at him, tipping his head to the side. _Come here._ Noah pointed to his textbook. _I’m in class_ . James just stared at him. _Really? Science over me?_

Rolling his eyes, he sifted in his seat, raising his hand. 

“Can I go to the washroom?” His teacher nodded, sending him off. When he stepped outside the room, he saw a sliver of James’ figure retreating into the lesser used stairwell that most kids didn’t know about. It was tucked in the far corner of the third floor, leading all the way to the arts hallway of the first. Students barely used it, when the other two were so much more accessible.

“Hey,” Noah smiled, as they stood on the steps, out of the view from the door. He was standing a step above James, causing their heights to even out. “Where’ve you been?” 

“I told Jessica about us. I ended it with her.” Noah blinked at him, his lips parting slightly at the confession. James ran his hand down the younger boy’s arm. “Doesn’t that make you happy.”

“Yeah,” he replied, letting the corners of his mouth twitch upwards but not fully finding a smile. “But not if it makes you sad.” 

“Sad? I’m not sad,” James broke into a grin that could’ve out shined the sun. He placed a hand on Noah’s check. He leaned in and kissed him sweetly, as Noah bit back his worry that someone would see them. When they pulled away, Noah looked around to make sure no one had. “What do you think your parents will say about us?” He met James’ eyes again, seeing the look of worry settling in his features. 

“Well my dad can think whatever he wants, I don’t care,” Noah told him, carding his fingers through his black hair with a soothing gesture. “My mom… she’s crazy so…yeah.” James furrowed his brow. 

“How do you mean?”

“Well,” he cleared his throat. “She thinks it’s the end of the world and that Jesus is coming down to save us all from damnation. She thinks that the devil is trying to drag her down to hell so she sprays herself with holy water-- but I wouldn’t worry about her because I don’t talk to her anymore.” He brushed his thumb over James’ chin. 

“Why not?”

“Because,” he sighed softly. “I’ve decided that my life is better without mentally ill people in it.” Noah pressed his forehead to James. “What about your parents?” The older boy pulled back, studying his face. Noah smiled under his gaze. 

“I think they would have loved you,” he said, before kissing him once more. “You better go back to class before they send someone after you.” Noah shook his head, able to stay a few minutes longer but James stepped back down onto the landing. Frowning, Noah watched as James disappeared around the bend, his footsteps getting more distant. 

**C L I P E I G H T - _Thursday, November 5th, 9:05pm_**

Noah hadn’t stopped smiling since he’d gotten back to the apartment, and as he laid staring up at the ceiling, he almost felt like he could explode from a happiness he didn’t know he could feel. He wanted to tell Ben-- there was nothing he wanted to do more. He wanted to tell Ben everything about James; about his eyes, and the way it feels when he smiles at him. About how his laugh is like a victory for Noah. About the park and halloween, and about how he’s never felt like this before. But… 

His smile faltered for the first time in hours. But Ben was too important. Ben had been his best friend since middle school. And he knew, Noah knew deep in his mind, that Ben wouldn’t care. He was cool around Elijah, but there was always something different about it being someone you love. 

“Cupcake, I’m going to run to the store real quick. Do you--” Elijah stopped talking as he observed the look on Noah’s face. It was frozen between a smile and pain, like a wince that made you screw your eyes shut and your lips curl up. Noah looked over at him. He had his phone and wallet in hand, his red cardigan was layered under his black bomber jacket that had rainbow stripes running down the sleeves, hem and neck line. He wore a tuque that covered his strawberry blond hair.

“Can I… tell you something?” Elijah looked like he was going to faint at the question, but before it could be rescinded, the college boy shut the door. He walked over to his bed, sitting cross legged on the end. 

“Lay it on me.” Noah huffed a laugh as he sat up, leaning up against the backboard. 

“Okay,” he took a breath. Eli’s lips were pressed together in anticipation, and Noah had a feeling he already knew what he was going to say. “I guess I can tell you that… James and I… have a thing. I mean… we’re seeing each other.” He finally raised his eyes to meet Elijah’s. 

“That’s--that’s great, Noah. Really that’s,” he exhaled. “That’s fantastic.”

“Well, just because I’m with James doesn’t mean I’m gay, though.” 

“Okay.”

“I mean-- like, I like James but that doesnt’ make me _gay_ gay.” At that Elijah pursed his lips.

“What do you mean _gay_ gay?”

“You know, like you.” Elijah shifted, pushing his shoulders back. 

“And what am I like?” Noah could sense that he was beginning to dig a hole he wasn’t quite sure how to get out of. He faltered.

“Wearing rainbows on everything, talking about Grindr and blowjobs and the Kardashians… going to pride and throwing dick shaped glitter-- I respect that that’s who you are and stuff but I’m not like that,” Noah dug further into his hole. 

“I’m just being myself, Noah.” 

“I know that and I think it’s great, you know? But it’s also what everyone associates with being gay-- like… it kind of sucks for those of us who aren’t like you.” Any further down and Noah would be digging his own grave. “It’s not like I’m marching down the street wrapped in a rainbow or wearing makeup or dressing in tight pants because I like James.” His shovel just hit six feet. 

“Let me tell you something about those people who you don’t want to be associated with,” Elijah cleared his throat, leaning his forearms on his knees. “Those people are braver, stronger, tougher, and more courageous than you think. Those people--the ones who wear tight pants and eyeliner and march the streets with rainbow flags-- every single one of those people have chosen to endure harassment and abuse and discrimination just to be who they are. Those people _fight_ every day so that younger people like _you_ won’t have to. We may live in Canada and you might think that because of that you don’t have to deal with the problems happening everywhere else in the world, but guess what? They happen here too. People will smile in your face and politely tell you to not hold James’ hand down the street because their kid will see. Canadians will rave about how nice and kind our country is one second and then the next say that we don’t deserve the rights to marriage or adoption. So next time you talk about those kinds of gay people, remember that they would rather _die_ than be someone they’re not. And… and I don’t think you’ll understand that until you have to fight for yourself. Until you have to choose whether to live proudly or to live in hiding.

“And now…” Elijah wiped at his eyes with his thumb, catching a few tears before they fell. “I have to go to the store, but um… you can sit here and think about what I said.” 

The door shut with an anticipated force, but that didn’t mean it didn’t make him flinch any less. Sighing, Noah let his head drop in his head, but his moment of self-reflection didn’t last very long as his phone vibrated against the blanket. 

> JAMES
> 
> I’m sorry for this afternoon. I think I just need a bit of time. It’s my fault but I think that this is all moving too fast for me. I’m sorry. 

Noah couldn’t tell if his hands were shaking or if his entire body was-- the slight tremor growing more apparent the longer he gripped onto his cell phone. Nothing good ever lasted for him. Not even a day could be good from start to finish. No, the universe was determined to make his life miserable.

> _Message to The Brozzz Group Chat_
> 
> What are you guys doing tomorrow night? I O U

  
  


**C L I P N I N E - _Friday, November 6th, 9:32pm_**

Thomas had brought beer and Noah had never wanted to hug the guy more. Personally, he would have gone with something stronger. Elijah’s bottle of vodka seemed to be calling out to him like the apple off of Eve’s tree, but he settled with not trying to piss off Eli any more than he already had. Noah was already laying in his grave. Drinking all of his roommate’s good liquor probably would have been a dump truck dropping all the dirt back on top of him. 

Three beers in and Noah wanted to crawl away and die. Today had been the only day he didn’t want to see… _him_ and this time the universe tossed him a bone. He hadn’t. 

“So anyway I’m at Taylor Smith’s party and I hadn’t done anything all night, right? I’m completely sober,” Logan prefaces his story which seemed to have been dragging on and on, with Noah tuning in and out. “And I’m sitting on the sofa and the next thing I know, I’m being dragged into the bathroom by Taylor-- Taylor Farris, not Taylor Smith--”

“Phew,” Thomas laughs. “I thought you were about to tell us you sucked some dick or something.” Noah wasn’t even fully registering what was happening around him at this point; the microaggression washing over him with no effect like pinching a numb arm. 

“No way, I love the ladies too much,” Logan smirked. “So-- yeah-- Taylor is just kissing me and she takes off her shirt!” 

“Dude,” Thomas muses. 

“I know, I know, so I take mine off,” he kept going. “And we’re about to go all the way when some asshole is pounding on the door to get out and shit.”

“So did you end up having sex?” Ben asked, following along. 

“Nah, we ended up crawling out the window and staggering our entrances, but I went over to the bathroom and there’s like this huge line to get in. So I’m like ‘what’s going on?’ and this dude goes ‘someone’s fucking in there’ and I’m like ‘no way’.” Thomas clasped Logan’s shoulder, as he laughed hysterically at the story. Ben was trying to breath properly again, and Noah was staring off into space with a blank expression.

“So are we going out or what?” Logan clapped his hands together excitedly. 

“Well I put on a nice shirt,” Ben said tugging at his button down. “So we better go out.”

“Hold up, let me call Matthew,” Thomas grabbed his phone. “Guy always knows what’s up.” As Thomas made his call, Ben’s eyes flickered over to Noah.

“Hey,” he leaned over, whispering to keep the conversation between themselves. “What’s up with you tonight?”

“Nothing,” Noah shrugged him off. “Nothing’s up.”

“You know I don’t believe you, right?” Ben wanted to make sure. “Like, at all.” 

“Yo!” Thomas exclaimed, pulling the two best friends out of their little side conversation. “Emma’s having a rager tonight! Apparently her parents aren’t home! Dude, can you get us in?” he asked Noah. All eyes were on him as he sat silent.

“I don’t think so guys,” he began, rubbing the back of his neck. “We didn’t leave things off so good.”

“Please,” Logan begged. “You owe me one for my birthday.”

“That’s true!” Thomas pointed at Logan in agreeance. Noah turned to Ben for back up but he had sided with the others. 

“It’s true, H.” 

  
  


**C L I P T E N - _Friday, November 6th, 10:22pm_**

The party was spilling out of her front door, the cops probably already on their way with a noise complaint and a shit ton of arrests for underage drinking, but the Brozzz didn’t seem to care. Logan looked like a kid in a candy store, his eyes looking at the party like a dream come true. Thomas was smiling up some girl in the doorway, while Ben looked around for someone (no doubt Ella). As they made their way up the porch some older looking dude stood in their way of getting in.

“Hey, who are you guys?” he demanded them as if it was the bouncer.

“This is Emma’s house right?” Ben asked for clarification.

“Yeah and who are you?” the guy repeated himself, sizing them all up. 

“We’re friends with Emma,” Thomas said, beginning to try and weasel his way in with words. Noah, like he had been all day, zoned out allowing his friends and the self-appointed guard to have their pissing contest without him. As his eyes wandered through the crowded hall just beyond the threshold, he noticed a familiar pair of green eyes and black hair. 

James had his head tipped back in a laugh, his face relaxed as he did. To see him so… happy was like a slap across the face. In fact, Noah would have preferred an _actual_ slap to the face. It would have hurt less. He took a step forward, seeing only James in his vision now. 

“Where do you think you’re going?” the guy stopped him with an extended arm. “It’s already too crowded for you guys.”

“Look, I know Emma okay?” Noah tried to reason. “I know her very well, so let me in so I can go find her okay? Look, my friends will stay right here until I get back, okay?” The guy thought about it and dropped his arm.

“One minute and then I’ll come in after you, got it?” Noah didn’t even agree before he was barreling past him, weaving through the sea of bodies with only one destination in mind. He needed answers, and he needed them now. 

“Noah!” his voice was called, causing him to lose track of James. Turning on his heels he came face to face with Emma. She was in a black jumpsuit, her lips dark purple, making her untanned skin ghostly. 

“Emma, I--” she poked her finger into his chest. 

“You don’t get to show up here and fake your apologies like before,” she told him with a squinted, angered glare.

“I know, I know. I’m just sorry about leaving you on Halloween and---” she barked out a laugh, cutting him off. 

“You think I’m mad at you for ditching me with Jessica?” She crossed her arms. “I’m pissed because you strung me along. Because you used me when you know you’re gay!” He flinched at the word as she spat it at him. “It’s 2020 Noah, grow the fuck up. No one cared if you’re gay!” With that she walked away from him, leaving him to be gawked at by all the kids close enough to hear. But that wasn’t what made him want to throw up and curl in a ball and die. The eyes staring at him, the whispers that rang out like echoes in a cave-- none of them were what made him want to bury himself away. Across the living room, up against the far wall, James had his arms wrapped around Jessica, holding her close as he kissed her. He was blissfully unaware of how Emma just outed him to everyone at the party. Blissfully unaware that Noah was watching him smile down at her like he had to him just that Sunday. He felt sick. He felt used… he felt like Emma. 

He hid his face, the tears threatening to spill sooner rather than later. He didn’t have to push his way to the door. Everyone parted for him, but he didn’t meet anyone’s eye as he left. 

His friends called after him as they chased him off the property and to the curb. 

“What the fuck!” Logan cried out to him. 

“Just let him go,” Thomas said. “Let him work out his mommy and daddy issues alone.” Noah froze, his feet coming to a halt as the words rolled over him like a wave. And he saw red. He spun around faster than Thomas could register and before he knew it, Noah had shoved him backwards. He stumbled but Logan caught him, leaving Ben to try and hold back Noah. 

“Let me go!” he yanked himself free from his best friend’s grip. Ben held up his hands in surrender, letting Noah loose and to leave at his own will. So he did just that. They didn’t call after him this time, but he hadn’t heard their steps walking away either. Noah freed the hood of his sweater from under his jacket, pulling it over his head as he turned a street corner. 

He needs to punch something. He needed to just scream until his throat was raw. He just needed to--to do _something_. Not allowing his brain to catch up, Noah let his fist come in contact with the nearby wooden fence. There was a cracking noise that sounded like thunder as he didn’t hold back his strength; his hand bouncing off the plank with a flare of pain that shot up his right arm. He opened his mouth to let out a sound, but nothing came out except a strangled attempt at crying. He dropped to his knees in the middle of the poorly-lit, empty sidewalk, cradling his hand as he did. 

There was nothing left to say.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In Canada you can live on your own (or decide where you want to live) at the age of 16, without the consent of your legal guardian. This works in accordance with emancipation (the act of a 'divorcing' or 'disowning' your parents which you can do at 16).


	6. Episode Six: You're My Best Friend

**C L I P O N E - _Monday, November 9th, 7:45am_**

Noah was running on two hours of sleep and it showed. He didn’t have to see himself in the reflection of the door’s glass to know that he looked like a zombie. The bags under his eyes contrasted against his skin like a permanent marker, and his hair was hidden under his beanie to control his bad hair day. He hadn’t planned to arrive early today, but he couldn’t stand being in his room awake any longer. 

The school was already bustling with students, but he was ready for the whispers and the comments-- how could he feel any worse? But judgment day never came. No one stared at him as he walked the halls, no one pointed fingers at him while talking in their friend’s ear. It was as if nothing had happened Friday night and yet everything had happened. 

“What are you doing here so early?” Ben asked him as he noticed him in the hall. It was Monday so Ben just finished hockey practice. He shot him a look that said _look at me_. “Shit man, did you sleep at all?”

“Not really since Friday but even then I hadn’t really slept more than four hours a night,” he mumbled his answer. Ben whistled as he took him in. 

“So are you going to tell me why you look like you got hit by a truck or…?” Noah, took off his gloves and shoved them in his pocket, which was a mistake. “Fuck man.” Ben grabbed for his wrist, looking down at his bandaged hand. 

“I… hit something,” he gave up on trying to lie. Ben raised his eyes.

“More like you killed something. Dude, are you going to make me sit here and watch you physically fuck yourself up? I want to help you.” Noah pulled his hand away from him.

“I don’t need your help,” he snapped, before letting out a breath. “I’m sorry--I’ve just been snapping lately, first Thomas, now you.”

“Look, Thomas isn’t mad at you,” Ben sighed. “None of us are, okay? We just want to know why you’ve been acting so strange lately.”

“With my mom and my dad, everything’s just crazy right now.”

“Listen, I get it but that can't be all you have going on. You don’t have to talk to me or the guys but please talk to someone.”

**C L I P T W O - _Tuesday, November 10th, 5:00am_**

Noah had his head pressed against the bathroom wall, the steam still lingering in the air from his shower. He hadn’t slept, opting to sit on his bed surrounded by his own misery and self pity all night. The faint murmurs of Isla on the phone until one in the morning hadn’t helped his restless night, either. 

Forcing himself to leave the small room, he left for the kitchen but his feet stopped at the living room. Isla was curled up to one side of the sofa, her eyes staring out the window at the dark sky. Sunrise was a few hours away, but she didn’t seem focused on the view. Tears were silently streaming down her cheeks as she reached up to brush them away with the sleeves of her big cozy sweater. Noah took hesitant steps towards her before giving up on them in replace for big strides. She didn’t turn to look at him, she only held open the blanket, beckoning him to join her. He did, wrapping his arms around her as her crying became punctuated by staggered breaths. Noah hadn’t realized he had begun to cry too, until his vision was blurred and he had to blink away the tears. 

“He’s stupid if he doesn’t chase after you,” Noah told her. She brushed a strand of hair out of his eye like his mother used to do. Her eyes were broken, her light green irises grey with a stormy pain. 

“So is he.” Maybe she just knew, like an instinct. Maybe Elijah had told her and when he came home that Friday like shattered glass, his hand needing to be bandaged, she put two and two together. He closed his eyes and leaned his head on her shoulder and they sat like that for a long time. The sorful princess and the broken prince.

**C L I P T H R E E - _Tuesday, November 10th, 11:37am_**

The cafeteria was always at its capacity as winter neared, the field outside currently being blanketed by a thin layer of white snow. It had fallen during the morning half of the day; only enough to tint the dead grass but not bury it. 

Noah looked at the food being served, but none of it looked appetizing. He wasn’t really hungry anyway. As he decided to leave, he could feel eyes watching him, enough to keep his head down. 

“You should really eat something.” Noah stopped at the entrance of the caf, coming toe to toe with the last person he wanted to see. James looked the same, but Noah looked like absolute trash. Knowing that the pain was one sided, was one thing. _Seeing_ that it was, was another and it left a bitter taste in his mouth. “I can--”

“I have to go,” Noah cut him off, moving around him to leave. He left him standing in the doorway, Noah wanting to be anywhere but near him. He didn’t know if he could handle that. 

**C L I P F O U R - _Wednesday, November 11th, 3:06pm_**

“Noah,” his teacher called out for him as the final bell rang. Everyone had gotten up from their seats, scrambling to leave the classroom to catch their buses at the end of the day. Noah looked up from packing his bag, to find that his English teacher was motioning for him to have a seat in front of her desk. Ms. Kan watched him closely as he did, her pen tapping against her hand in a mindless action. Her glasses were perched on the tip of her nose, slightly crooked. A red poppy was pinned to her black dress in honour of today's Remembrance Day assembly. “Are you alright, Noah?” 

“Yeah,” he answered without a thought. She adjusted her glasses with a sigh. 

“Christina can you close the door?” Noah watched as Chris gave him a wave goodbye before bounded out the door, shutting it behind her. “Is something on your mind that you need to talk about?” she tried again.

“No.” 

“You’ve never been so out of it in my class before,” she continued, sitting forward on her desk. “You seem like you haven’t slept in days. Have you seen a doctor?”

“No.” She studied him, before leaning back in her seat, the pen discarded on the desk as she laced her fingers together. 

“Did you study Macbeth last year?” Noah nodded, unsure of where she was going with this. “After they kill the king, Macbeth is driven to madness-- a madness that comes from his own mind. He keeps his secrets hidden, locked away, afraid of what will happen to him if others find out, but in the end it does him no good.” She pauses. “Find someone you trust, Noah. Talk to them. Tell them what’s on your mind, because it’s never wise to keep everything bottled inside. One day you’re going to explode and you won’t be able to control the damage. You will end up hurting people you don’t want to and by then it’ll be too late.”

**C L I P F I V E - _Wednesday, November 11th, 4:13pm_**

“Hey,” Noah greeted Ben from the bleachers. He’d waited for his friend to finish with his off ice training in the gym, no one minding that he sat in to watch. Ben gave him a curious look as he wiped at his face with the bottom of his shirt. At some point last year, Noah would have been trying to hide a blush as his friend’s toned stomach was displayed. Now, Noah didn’t know why he’d ever had a crush on him. He was like his brother. 

“What are you doing here?” he asked, putting his hands on his hips. 

“Hot chocolate?” Noah offered with an apologetic smile. “If you have sometime to talk?” Ben opened his mouth but words didn’t come out. He only returned the smile, accepting the offer. 

* * *

The Tim Hortons wasn’t that far from the school, but Noah led them down the longer path through the quiet residential street. All the schools in the neighbourhood had let out already, and with the change in weather, there were less kids running up and down the sidewalks. It was peaceful with the snow at their feet.

Noah buried the bottom half of his face in his scarf, as a harsh wind blew past them. Ben shifted his hat to cover more of his ears, their lobs turning as bright pink as his cheeks. 

“Ms. Kan kept me after class today,” Noah began, not knowing how or where to start. Ben kept his gaze focused but hummed a noise in response. “She was worried about me… said I’d end up like Macbeth if I didn’t talk to someone about my problems.”

“Are you having any homicidal tendencies?” Ben snorted, looking over at him. 

“No,” Noah laughed. “Not yet at least. I’ve got a few punches in me though.”

“I think Thomas’ face is thankful that you didn’t use one on him.” Noah tipped his head down, casting a glance down at his shoes. 

“I… yeah, I didn’t mean to lash out. I’m glad he’s not hurt.” 

“Speaking of,” Ben paused to cough at the cold air. “Your hand? Whose face did you mess up?”

“A wooden fence’s.” His best friend sucked in a breath, wincing. “Yeah, wasn’t my brightest moment, but at least I only split open my skin and I didn’t break it.”

“Fuck dude,” he cursed. “What’s been with you lately?” They turned down another side street, the major road ahead of them in the distance. 

“Besides my mom and my dad and rent and school?” he listed, before swallowing. “... I think I fell in love.” Ben raised a brow but kept his head forward. 

“With Emma?”

“No…” he faltered. “Not with Emma.”

“Ella?” 

“Ella?” Noah laughed at the insinuation. “No, no, not Ella. It’s um… it’s actually not… a girl.” Ben didn’t say anything at first, leaving Noah to debate whether he was in shock or if he was deciding the best way to break off their friendship.

“Is it me?” Ben stopped walking, forcing Noah to face him completely. His eyes widened, his lips curling into a smile.

“You?” he exclaimed. “No-- Ben, you’re like my brother! God, no. I mean, once, but not now. Nasty.” 

“Am I so disgusting that you have to gag?” Ben teased him, mocking offence (although he was slightly offended). Noah rolled his eyes.

“You’re fine, Benjamin, jeez. Sorry if I don’t want to make out with my brother.” 

“When you put it like that-- it’s gross.”

“Yeah, no shit,” Noah agreed, and they resumed walking. 

“So who is it then?” Ben asked after a comfortable silence. “Whose captured my little Noah’s heart?”

Noah thought it would be easy to admit that he’d fallen for James. He’d already said it to himself, but there was something about saying it outloud that made his throat want to close. 

“James.” 

“The new kid who returned your earbuds?” Noah nodded, looking up at the sky. “Doesn’t he have a girlfriend?”

“ _Jessica_ ,” Noah pronounced each syllable. “It’s… it’s a fucking mess, man. One day he’s with me and the next he’s with her-- and then he’s telling me he wants me, and then he’s sending me messages to break things off. Then I find his tongue throat deep in Jessica’s mouth at Emma’s party and Ben I think I’m having a mental breakdown.” Ben had gone silent, the look on his face full of pity and sympathy.

“We really know how to pick ‘em don’t we,” Ben said to break the tension. Noah laughed through the pain in his chest.

* * *

“No, I’ve got it,” Noah said, reaching for his backpack as Ben offered to cover the bill. Opening it up, he pulled out his wallet and paid for the drinks handing the cash to the teenager behind the counter. Two hot chocolate’s later, they were seated at the table in the corner of the coffee shop. 

“So what are you going to do about this James guy?” Ben asked, but Noah hadn’t processed the question because as he went to slip his wallet back in its place, a sheet of paper caught his attention. 

_In this universe James has missed his shot._

Noah turned the paper around in his hand. 

_But in another universe--_

There was a little sketch of them sitting on a park bench holding hands. 

“What is that?” Ben leaned over the small table to look at the sheet. Noah bit down on his bottom lip, unsure of what to make of the drawing. 

“It’s from James.” Ben leaned back in his seat, his mouth set in a knowing smirk.

“He better hurry up and break up with his girlfriend.” Noah looked up at him, not bothering to hide the pull of his lips as they rested into a shy smile.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if this is for every school in the GTA/Ontario but my school didn't have a nurse or a councillor that was open for everyone. We had guidance councillors but they were for academic stuff (I'm sure you could talk to them but that wasn't their main purpose).
> 
> Remembrance Day: On November 11th in Canada we wear red poppies on our shirts and jackets in honour of our soldiers and war vets. All schools will have some sort of assembly or moment of silence. Younger kids will usually make paper wreaths and lay them across their foyer or in their gyms in solidarity.
> 
> Tim Hortons: is a Canadian coffee chain that seems to have become a staple of our culture! There is one practically everywhere! Especially in the GTA.


	7. Episode Seven: Under Pressure

**C L I P O N E - _Sunday, November 15th, 2:19pm_**

Noah found Elijah in the kitchen pointing a whisk at Isla, who looked less than thrilled about whatever he was threatening her over. She leaned against the fridge as he doted around her in search of ingredients for whatever new culinary masterpiece he was practicing for his class. His black apron had the words “culinary students come with knives” embroidered in white across the chest. He’d said that Isla had brought it for him last Christmas. 

“Listen to me, angel,” he used his nickname for her as he reached for flour. “You are going to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and download Bumble. You are going to quit your mopping because this boyfriend of yours is an ocean away and being a jerk.” 

“I’m perfectly fine--”

“You are not!” 

“You’re not,” Lynn piped up as she bypassed them all to grab a bottle of water. She shooed Isla away to open the fridge door. “You need to either pick up the phone and call William or--”

“Find yourself a dick in the city,” Eli finished for her. “And I mean an _actual_ dick, not William 2.0.” Isla groaned as she excused herself from the kitchen to take her ‘mopping’ elsewhere. Lynn and Eli shared a look before she too left. 

“Everyone knows William isn’t coming back,” he muttered to Noah, crossing his arms. “So, what can I do for you cupcake?” 

“Can I ask you something?” Noah asked, stuffing his hands into his sweatpant pockets. Eli turned his back to him to continue his whisking. 

“Look, I’m not mad at you Noah. You don’t have to keep wallowing about it-- I understand why you said it, and I’m over it.”

“Actually, I need advice.” Elijah sent him a look over his shoulder before picking up the bowl and holding it to his chest so he could whisk and face him. 

“Advice?” he repeated. “From me?”

“Yes.”

“Me? So you’re admitting that I’m like your gurur? Your gay gurur-- a gayru if you will.” Noah snorted as he leaned his lower back against the kitchen table. 

“Sure.” 

“I’m sorry what did you say?”

“I can always ask Reddit,” Noah shrugged, starting to leave.

“Fine, fine,” Elijah said. Noah recoiled back into his spot. “So what can I help you with?” 

“So…” Noah cleared his throat. “James…” 

“Yes?” 

“We had a thing, right? But...” Noah began but trailed off again.

“Had? Is it over already?” Eli sounded sad for him. 

“He told me that he broke up with his girlfriend for us and then suddenly he texts me that we were moving too fast for him and then I find him with his girlfriend again. Then after a bit I found this drawing in my backpack that he left me-- so then I texted him about it but he never replied. I mean, I don’t know what to do anymore, Eli.”

Elijah had stopped whisking while Noah spoke, nodding along intently. He placed the bowl down and wiped his hands on his apron, leaving white, floury hand prints against the black fabric. 

“He had a girlfriend?” Noah nodded. “And he’s back with her?” He nodded again. “How long have they been with each other?”

“Like three, four years.” Elijah made a face at the answer, and it wasn’t very reassuring for Noah. “Is that bad?”

“I… how honest do you want me to be?” Noah closed his eyes, running a hand over his face. 

“Just rip the BandAid off.”

“Well… I know a lot of straight guys who sleep around with other guys sometimes but uh… not many leave their girlfriends to be with a boy.” When he noticed Noah’s eyes begin to gloss over, he began to backpedal. “But that’s only my opinion. Look, I don’t know every guy in the city, right? I could be so wrong about this.” 

But Noah had heard all he needed to hear. 

**C L I P T W O - _Monday, November 16th, 12:00pm_**

Arwa was studying next to him in the library, her complete focus on her textbook as an upcoming test was looming in the near future. She was chewing on the bottom of her pen, as she reached subconsciously to adjust her light blue hijab. Noah, who should have been studying, was staring down at a text message he’d just gotten.

> SOPHIA
> 
> I don’t mean to pry but… are you gay? I heard some kids talking in the hall with Emma but I wanted to make sure it was true. If it’s not I’m sorry about the rumors! But if it is, that’s totally cool with me! I like the gays!

Arwa glanced over at him, her eyes darting between his phone and his reaction. She capped her pen and turned her body inwards to face him. 

“Did you see the link I sent you on IG?” she asked, her head tilted. He looked up from his phone.

“Uh, no. What was it for?” 

“An article,” she stated. “About evolution… and homosexuality.” His mind may have been elsewhere but he didn’t fail to catch the hesitation in her voice. 

“Oh?” 

“I don’t make mistakes often, but this time I did,” she said in the tone of an apology. It would be the closest he’d get to an _I’m sorry._ “I was wrong. There are actually studies reasoning where homosexuals fit within the evolutionary theory. Science is evolving,” she shrugged. He gave her a small smile. 

“And religion?”

“Not as quickly-- but no religion is okay with homosexuality but no religion says that we must judge, harm, or attack those who are,” she added with a strong affirmation. “So when you hear people using religion to defend their hate, don’t ever listen to them. It’s not true-- religion isn’t the basis for hatred, fear and ignorance are.”

**C L I P T H R E E - _Wednesday, November 18th, 11:31am_**

Thomas and Logan were typing on their laptops as they sat on the floor in the foyer. Whatever homework assignment they were behind must have been due soon because Noah had never seen them so focused before. He stifled a laugh at their unblinking expressions that matched one another’s like twinst. Ben had gotten back from the cafeteria, throwing Noah a bag of chips.

“Eat,” he told him, having apparently been keeping tabs on his food intake. 

“I ate after class,” he told him. “I swear!” He had, but Ben didn’t believe him. So opening the bag of all dressed chips he made a point of eating a handful. 

“Good?” he said with his mouth full on purpose. Ben scrunched up his face in mockery.

“Yes. What are tweedle dee and tweedle dumb doing,” he nodded over to the guys.

“Trying to pass the semester,” Noah told him, putting the plastic bag down on the ground next to him. Thomas shut his laptop, having apparently completed whatever he was doing and placed it in his bag. 

“Have you guys heard the rumors that Noah’s gay?” Thomas blurted out in the silence. Noah almost choked on his chips. Ben patted his back, his lips pressed together either to stop a laugh or from revealing too much. “Some kids were talking about it in the hall.”

“What did you say to them?” Logan peered up from his computer. 

“That it’s obviously bullshit.” Noah didn’t need to see Ben’s face to know the look he was giving him. _Tell them, it’s okay._

“Good,” Logan huffed, proud that Thomas told them to back off their friend. The sentiment was sweet despite the reasoning behind it. 

“Um,” Noah spoke up after a beat. “Do… do you guys remember when we went to get the curtains from the dance teacher and we watched the girls dance?” 

“Everytime I close my eyes,” Thomas mused, with a smirk. Logan bobbed his head.

“Like it was yesterday, my man.” Noah gulped, nervously. Ben gave him an encouraging smile. “Well do you remember the guy that came up to me afterwards with my headphones?” They thought about it and shrugged. 

“Sure-- the Asian guy right?” said Thomas. 

“Yeah, South Korean-- well,” he honestly thought he’d never get the words out. “We had a thing.” 

“Okay…?” Logan dragged out. “And…?”

“We had a thing… _thing_.” Thomas and Logan blinked at him. 

“You’re gay?” Thomas finally understood. 

“I’m-- I mean I’m not--” Ben grabbed his shoulder with a firm hold. “Okay, yeah. I--I am. Gay.” They sat in silence for a moment before Ben spoke up.

“Anway, Noah’s hosting our pre-game Friday. We’re going to find ourselves a nice party to hit up and we’re all going to have a good time. Yeah?” 

“Totally,” Logan said without a second's hesitation. “More chicks for me now that you’re out, right Noah?” He gave a light laugh.

“Just because there are more girls doesn’t mean you won’t strike out as much.”

“That’s where you are WRONG!” Logan exclaimed. “Statistically if there are more girls for me to hit on, my chances of getting a yes increases.”

“So this is why you took statistics,” Ben hummed teasingly, but Logan just smiled proudly. “You in Tom?” 

Noah and Thomas looked at each other, a silence between the both as one held their breath and the other thought. 

“Yeah, of course.” 

**C L I P F I V E - _Thursday, November 19th, 3:10pm_**

Noah unlocked his locker in a rush to get back home, before he got caught in the impending snow storm warning. Yanking open the metal door, something fluttered to the ground, landing at his feet. Quirking an eyebrow, he looked down each end of the hall, to see if other people were finding paper’s in their doors. Sometimes kids like to shove random flyers and other junk into people’s lockers. No one else seemed to have something, but in scooping it up he quickly realized why. 

> _In this universe:_
> 
> NOAH 💘
> 
> Thank you for the drawing. When did you put it in my bag?
> 
> _read @ 5:15pm_
> 
> _In another universe_
> 
> NOAH 💘
> 
> Thank you for the drawing. When did you put it in my bag?
> 
> ME
> 
> I snuck it to you when you left your bag on the library table to go look for books. I miss you.

Noah smiled. _I miss you._

“Noah?” He turned around to find Thomas behind him, his head tipped down, his face wearing a serious expression. 

“Hey,” he returned the greeting, clutching the paper to his chest. It wasn’t like he had to hide it, but some things were too personal. “What’s up?”

“I wanted to say that I’m sorry,” Thomas said, scratching the back of his neck. Noah shut his locker, before turning back to him.

“What for? I should be apologizing for pushing you.” 

“I’m sorry for not being more considerate you know, with all my off hand comments and jokes and things. It probably made you feel isolated and fearful of my reaction because of all the ignorance I displayed based off of my childhood being raised around insensitive culture that was deeply rooted in past prejudices against the LGBTQ--” he looked down at his hand which had been marked with black pen. “--QIP2SAA community.”

“What?” Noah blanched. 

“I read an article last night,” Thomas shrugged shyly. “Basically, I’m sorry.” 

“Thank you,” Noah smiled. “That means a lot.”

“Hug it out?” Thomas asked, extending his arms. Noah laughed as he accepted the gesture. 

**C L I P S I X - _Friday, November 20th, 10:00pm_**

“Mackenzie’s having another party,” Logan said, scrolling through his phone. He flashed them all his screen, someone’s Instagram story playing through. It was mostly selfie videos of people dancing to trashy pop songs off of a spotify playlist. He didn’t really feel like going out tonight, but he also needed something to keep him distracted. 

“We definitely have to go,” Thomas told the group, practically bouncing in his seat from excitement. 

“Party! Party! Party!” Logan began trying to start a chant that no one joined. “Damn, y’all lame.” 

“Let me see if I can get us on the invite list,” Thomas said, beginning to text a bunch of people. Within the lull, Ben looked to Noah, recognizing the distant expression on his face.

“Anything new with James?” Ben asked, trying to get him to talk. Noah shrugged, his lips in a frown.

“I got a new drawing.” 

“Another one?” Ben raised his brow. “Seriously, what’s his deal?” 

“I don’t know,” he sighed. “I have no clue.” 

“About what?” Logan joined in, gulping down a swig of beer. 

“James,” Ben answered. 

“So I have a question,” Logan sat forward, staring at Noah. “So when you bang, are you the guy or the girl?”

“Funny,” Noah replied sarcastically. “I was going to ask you the same thing.” Thomas and Ben broke out into a fit of laughter as Logan nodded at the comeback. 

“Alright, solid joke, Noah.” After they composed themselves again, Ben spoke back up. 

“But actually,” he picked up where they left off. “I think you let him play you too much.”

“Play me?” Noah repeated. 

“Yeah, like he’s got you on the side, keeping you there, and you let him.” 

“Dude,” Logan sighed sadly. “You’re a side hoe.” Ben shot him a look that screamed _you’re not helping._

“All you have to do is give him an ultimatum,” Thomas interjected between text messages, casting his eyes up for a second. “You know-- hey, I like you but you have to break up with your girlfriend or we’ve gotta end this shit.”

“Yes,” Ben nodded enthusiastically. “Text him-- text him right now.”

“What?” Noah jumped at the forceful order. “No way.”

“Yes, way!” he countered. “Tell him to cut out his shit and pick already. This back and forth is giving me fucking whiplash.” With all three of his friends waiting for him to make the move, Noah reluctantly was forced to grab his phone off the coffee table before Ben took matters into his own hands. 

> ME
> 
> Hey, thanks for the drawing, but if you don’t want something more, you’ve got to stop. I like you but I don’t date guys with girlfriends. 

_Sent._

“Okay, I sent it.” 

“Now we play the waiting game,” Ben announced, leaning back against the sofa. 

> JAMES
> 
> What are you doing? Can we talk?

“Is that him?” Logan asked as Noah’s phone dinged. He nodded. “What did he say?”

“That he wants to talk. I’ll tell him to call me--”

“No!” Ben shouted. “Absolutely not! Tell him you’re chilling at home and that’s that. Over.”

“Why?”

“Because you want him to call you, obviously, but you can’t tell him that. You have to be more subtle,” Thomas replied. 

> NOAH
> 
> I’m chilling at home.

“Should I add an emoji?” Noah posed to the group, as he was about to hit send.

“Yeah, sure might as well add ‘xoxo I love you’ at the end,” Thomas replied with sarcasm. “Just send it-- be cold. No emotion, no gif or emoji, nothing.”

Ben crossed his arms. “Guaranteed he’s going to call in like two minutes.”

**C L I P S I X - _Friday, November 20th, 10:30pm_**

Noah’s phone laid in the centre of the table, all the guys staring at it, waiting for it to ring. They’d forgotten about Mackenzie’s party, finding themselves more interested in Noah’s non-existent love life. 

“He’s not going to call or text back,” Noah told them. “That’s just how he is.”

“Maybe his phone’s dead?” Logan offered, running a hand over his face. “Or somewhere without service?”

“Yeah… maybe,” Noah tried to sound hopeful but it didn’t sound that way. The ring of the apartment buzzer rang, causing them all to jump at the sudden noise. “Elijah probably forgot his keys again. He forced the girls to go out for a night on the town. Knowing Lynn she’s probably dragged them home already.” He got up from the couch, adjusting his plaid button down and tugging his black shirt into place from where it had rode up on his back. Looking through the monitor, his heart stopped. 

“It’s James,” his voice came out fragile. 

“What?” Ben called out confused. Noah spun to face them.

“It’s James. He’s here.” Their eyes widened. “Fuck, what am I going to do?” 

“Invite him in, dumbass!” Logan screamed as he yanked Thomas up by the arm. “We’re leaving. Let’s go fellas! Noah’s getting dick tonight and we have a party to go to.” 

Noah had his back pressed against the door, having just kicked out his friends as fast as he could. Taking a deep breath, he let his head hang back in a single moment of rest. He let his heart rate slow, until he couldn’t feel it in his throat anymore. But as his heart slowed, his mind sped up. _What was he going to say? Or do?_ He was going to talk to him, and tell him to stop fucking with him. And he was going to stand his ground and he was going to-- there was a knock at his front door. He took one final deep breath, filling his lungs as he reached for the lock. Sliding it out of place, he swung it open.

James was standing in front of him, his head tipped down slightly as his features were shadowed with regret. Something in his heart twisted as they stood there, a step away and yet a chasm so far. The older boy brushed back his hair as it fell into his eye before returning to fidget with a pinky ring Noah had never seen before. It was James who dared to make the first move.

“Noah…” In just hearing his name spoken from his mouth, he wanted to crumble. He’d missed him. It had been a week, but he missed him. “I’m--”

Noah grabbed him by the collar of his jacket, crashing their lips together. The tight feeling in his chest melted away as James wrapped his arms around him. He let himself feel James’ hair run through his fingers as he pulled at the soft strands. Noah moved them backwards, leading James further into the hallway. With a smooth kick, the older boy shut the door with his foot, never breaking from the kiss. Noah’s hands dragged down his neck and over his shoulders, until he was peeling away the coat from off of him. He tossed it in the general direction of the hooks and bench, hoping that it landed somewhere out of the way. But he didn’t open his eyes to check because he was too busy being pushed up against a wall to care. A soft sigh fell from his lips as James held him with one arm around his waist, the other brushing over his cheek and into his hair. Noah gasped for air as James broke away, his mouth finding a new home on his neck. He bit at his skin, his fingers now working at removing the shorter boy’s buttoned shirt, shucking it off his body with an annoyance. Noah tilted his head more, gaining a satisfied muse of approval from James. He could feel his smile against his neck, before he placed a kiss on the now sensitive patch of skin. Noah cupped his face in his hands holding him out in front of him, needing to look at his eyes, needing to find some sort of confirmation that this was real; that James wanted Noah as much as Noah wanted James. 

“Yes?” Noah whispered, searching for his expression. 

“You’re all I want.”

  
  



	8. Episode Eight: Don't Stop Me Now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's Hell Week folks! Yup... I'm sorry.

**C L I P O N E - _Saturday November 21st, 10:37pm_**

Noah woke up, a smile already resting comfortably on his features as he yawned against his pillow. He blinked his eyes awake, squinting at the sun as it poured in through the window. Small, white snowflakes were coming down, passing the glass on their way to the ground. It was pretty outside. 

He could still smell James’ cologne, the scent lingering on him like a blanket. _James._ But when he rolled over, he was greeted yet again with an empty bed. His smile flickered, dropping down into a thin line of disappointment. Noah didn’t know what he expected, honestly. That James hadn’t lied to him? That he was being honest about wanting to be with him? It was like he’d gotten scammed for the second time, and it felt worse than the first. Now he had no one to blame but himself. He hadn’t even left a note. 

Noah flopped back down, letting his eyes fall shut again, the acidic feeling that was eating away at him was beginning to hurt. Reaching for his bedside table, Noah grabbed for his phone, checking if maybe there was a message waiting for him.

> DAD
> 
> Christmas is coming up and I thought you, your mother and I could go to mass at some point? She’s allowed a day out next Friday on the 4th. I think it will mean a lot if you come with us. This is an olive branch.

Noah shut his phone off, tossing it aside on the mattress, running a hand over his face. He was not in the mood to talk to his dad. Laying there, he thought about falling back asleep and letting the day pass him, but then he heard it; the voice he always seemed to recognize. 

Slipping out of bed, he grabbed sweatpants from off the ground and stepped into them, before heading into the kitchen with nothing else on.

The voices got louder as he got closer, now James’ voice becoming more distinct. Turning the corner he found him standing at the stove in Noah’s t-shirt and his own jeans. 

“Morning, Noah,” Elijah greeted him with a wave, over a plate of pancakes. Next to him Isla and Lynn were happily eating their servings. “Your boyfriend made pancakes.” 

“My boyfriend,” Noah repeated slightly confused, having left James alone for an hour at most, and he’d already proudly claimed Noah as his boyfriend. James sent him a wink, before lowering the gas on the stove and walking over to him. 

“Good morning, _내 사랑_ ,” he whispered the latter as their lips brushed. Noah could tell that his roommates were watching on, making him blush awkwardly as they parted.

“Morning,” he replied lamely, still in a daze from having found James still here. James moved back to stand at the stove to finish what looked like the last pancake. Noah watched him, with a lump in his throat. 

As if sensing that they needed some room, Elijah cleared his throat, picking up his plate as he stood. 

“Come on ladies!” He began to usher them out. “Let’s go see what’s on tv. I think the W Network is showing that Christmas movie about the prince and the nanny!” He sent Noah a tight lipped smile as they all left.

“Do you want—”

“I thought you left this morning,” Noah cut him off, staring at the ground. He wrapped his arms around himself self consciously as he stood under James’ gaze. Turning off the stove entirely, the older boy moved towards him. Standing in front of him, he ran his hands down Noah’s arms with a gentle touch.

“Noah,” he began. “Why would I do that?

Noah gave a small huff, meeting his eye.

“To be with Jessica.”

“I— Jessica and I are done. We broke up.”

“The last time you said that I found your tongue in her mouth at Emma’s.” James pressed his lips together at the bluntness of the statement.

“Yes,” he admitted with a guilty inflection. “I thought you didn’t want anything serious and then for a moment Jessica convinced me that we were meant to be— but it didn’t feel right. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“But I _do_ want something serious.” James smiled at him, a soft, sweet expression that was relaxed. He tipped Noah’s chin up, his fingers brushing his skin lightly, and kissed him. 

“I wasn’t lying when I said I missed you,” he hummed when they moved away. Noah smiled walking over to sit on the countertop as James began to pile things in the sink. Tarring a piece off of a pancake he popped it into his mouth.

“Good?” James asked, a short laugh at the end of the question.

“Can’t go wrong with a box mix, babe.” Noah bit his tongue as the nickname rolled out of his mouth, but James just went with it. 

“We thought that last time and ended up with an orange smoothie instead of pasta.”

“What happened to forgetting about that and never mentioning it again?” James rolled his eyes, coming to stand between his legs. Noah wrapped his arms around his neck, exhaling as they kissed. He tasted like maple syrup and coffee as his lips parted. As they stayed like that, music began to play from the living room, a wall away.

“Baby you’re all I need,” James muttered against their kiss, singing the lyric with the song. “Baby you’re all I see. Missing the touch of your skin...” he hummed as he kissed Noah’s jaw before tipping his head up to catch his lips again. Noah melted in his hands, embarrassed by how easily the other boy could make his heart flutter. James pulled him by his hips, a shiver rolling up his spine as he was moved closer to the edge of the countertop. Noah’s hands played with the taller boy’s hair, grasping at soft strands and running them through his fingers. James moaned at the action, a sound that made his heart race. The song’s chorus hit and James broke away to mouth along with it, causing Noah to laugh. 

“This song is a bop,” James told him, pecking his lips. 

“You watch The Launch?”

“No one watches The Launch,” James said. “But this song is still great.”

“Mmm,” Noah agreed. “The man of my dreams has good taste.”

“I’m the man of your dreams?” James sounded amused by the slip of the tongue. 

“Don’t let that go to your head now,” Noah warned, laughing. But his laugh quickly turned into a yelp as James grabbed him by the waist and lifted him off the counter. He pressed their bodies together and kissed Noah, beginning to lead him out of the kitchen.

“Where are we going?” Noah giggled. 

“Your room.” The younger boy raised his brow, pressing his lips together to hide his blushing smile.

“And the pancakes?”

“Can wait,” James kissed him again. “Or you can bring them, but don’t forget the whip cream.” Noah punched his arm, snorting at the request. James grabbed his hand, pulling him, and Noah didn’t resist. How could he when those eyes were looking at him?

**C L I P T W O - _Sunday November 22nd, 11:00am_**

Noah was laying on the sofa, his text book propped up against his knees as he read through the latest biology unit. Arwa had sent him her notes but he still didn’t understand. Not even Hank Green could save him from this test on Monday. 

> JAMES 💕
> 
> What are you doing right now?

A smile formed on his lips.

> ME
> 
> Studying. Why? 
> 
> JAMES 💕
> 
> Oh, nothing. But I think you can use a break.

Raising his brow, Noah didn’t even have a chance to reply when the buzzer of the apartment complex rang. 

“I’ll get it!” Lynn shouted from around the corner. He could hear her footsteps walking over to the monitor. “It’s your boyfriend, Noah.”

“What?” Noah closed his book, tossing it onto the coffee table. She let James in before returning to the kitchen. A few minutes later, James was standing in their hallway with a wicked look in his eyes.

“ _내 사랑_ ,” James greeted him. Noah still hadn’t asked what the Korean words meant but knowing him, he probably wouldn’t tell him anyway. 

“James,” he smiled, his hands behind him as he held onto the knob, his back against the door. “What are you doing here?”

“You better change or you’re going to freeze,” James tisked looking at Noah’s pajama pants. 

“Where are we going?”

“To the Distillery District. Now come on before we miss the bus!” Noah blinked at him, tilting his head. “Have you never been to the Christmas market?” Noah shook his head. “Unexeptable. Let’s go! We’re going!”

“Okay,” Noah agreed, not knowing what else to say to his boyfriend’s child like enthusiasm. He pushed off the door and went to kiss him but James took a step away.

“Not until you’re ready to leave! I don’t want to be late!” 

“Not even _one_ kiss?” Noah pouted. “Just _one?_ ” James thought about it, contemplating if it was worth it.

“Why are you so cute?” James tried to keep away as Noah advanced on him. “Nope, nope, nope. Go get dressed.” Noah groaned as he reluctantly passed his boyfriend to get to his room. James, however, stopped him for a quick second, kissing the top of his head, before sending him on his way. As he turned the corner for his room, he found Elijah smiling, as he leaned against the wall. 

“Surprise visit?” he asked, following Noah into his room.

“If James knows you’re slowing me down, he’s going to be mad,” Noah warned him. 

“How’s James? How are you? Where’s he taking you? What time will you be back?” Noah changed his t-shirt for a knitted sweater. 

“Good, also good, the Distillery District, and I don’t know,” Noah answered in order. 

“Aw! The market!” Noah rolled his eyes. “No one ever takes me on cute dates.” 

“What about that guy that you snuck in last week?” Elijah looked shocked that he knew. “Seriously? The walls aren’t that thick.” 

“You’re one to talk,” he jabbed playfully, laughing at Noah’s growing blush. “Nah, he was nothing. God, I need a boyfriend. Does James have a hot older brother?”

“Only child,” Noah said. “Sorry. Maybe Lynn knows someone?” Elijah groaned, throwing his head back.

“Have I really stooped to asking _Lynn_ for dating help? Please, have you ever seen her bring someone home?” Noah thought about it.

“Nope.” 

“I’m doomed.”

“Well can you go be doomed somewhere else? My boyfriend’s waiting.” Elijah smiled at him.

“Glad to see you happy, cupcake. Be safe, and bring me back fudge!” he told him as he closed the door, with him on the other side this time. Noah shook his head, at the whole ordeal, but his grin was undeniable. Noah thought the universe was finally calming down with its bullshit. Maybe this week might actually be a good one. 

**C L I P T H R E E - _Monday November 23rd, 10:49am_**

> DAD
> 
> I get that you’re mad at me Noah and I get that you think I’m an asshole but you can’t keep ignoring me forever. I’m trying to be civil and to let you into my life but you keep pushing me away. I don’t know what to do anymore!
> 
> ME
> 
> Fine. I’ll come to church next Friday but I’m bringing my boyfriend James
> 
> DAD
> 
> I don’t know if you’re joking right now. 
> 
> DAD
> 
> It’s nice that you’ve found yourself someone Noah but maybe you don’t want to bring him to church. You know how stress affects your mother… 

**C L I P F O U R - _Monday November 23rd, 11:20am_**

Noah left class for lunch with a knot in his stomach, his father’s text message still replaying in the back of his mind like the melody of a catchy song. Turning into the stairwell he made his way through the traffic of students and towards the foyer.

“Hey,” Ben called to him, catching up with him in the hall. “We’re going to Tim’s for lunch, want to come?”

“What happened to your hockey diet?” Noah teased, adjusting the strap of his backpack to rest better on his shoulder. 

“Cheat day. You in?”

“Sorry not today,” he frowned. “I didn’t get a chance to study for my test this afternoon. I do not want to retake bio over the summer.”

“Busy weekend?” Ben said with a suggestive tone. Noah blushed but didn’t deny it. “So I’m going to assume everything worked out between you and James?” He didn’t get a chance to answer the obvious before the guys were waving them over. Thomas and Logan were standing against the wall, leaned over Logan’s phone looking at something. 

“‘Sup,” Logan nodded in greeting, tucking his phone into his pocket. 

“What were you looking at?” Noah asked, setting his bag on the bench next to them. Thomas crossed his arms and leaned his back on the brick interior. 

“Text messages he sent to Sophia,” he was shaking his head in disapproval.

“No good?” Logan asked, genuinely upset. “I used all my swag on her.”

“Maybe that’s the problem,” Ben offered with a shrug. “Sophia seems very unimpressed with your ‘swag’.” 

“So… should I use _more_ swag?” Sometimes Logan gave Noah a headache. 

“Maybe you could be more real with her?” Noah imputed. “Don’t try so hard.” Logan opened his mouth but didn’t seem to know what to say. He just dropped his shoulders, his face scrunching up in thought. 

“Hey.” Noah looked over his shoulder to find James walking up to him. His staple jean jacket was pulled over a grey hoodie, reminding him of when he’d first met James with his grey Queen shirt. His friends all shared a look of not knowing what was happening. Noah smiled up at him sweetly, letting his boyfriend wrap an arm around him.

“Hi,” Noah replied, giving him a kiss. He turned back to the Brozzz, their faces in various frozen states, but they all seemed like they were holding back screams. “Guys, this is James. He’s my boyfriend.” And they did in fact scream. Their principal, who happened to be walking past, shushed them with a finger to her lips.

“Boys this is a foyer, not a frat house. Take your screaming outside.” They all mumbled series of ‘yes’s and ‘sorries’ but as soon as Mrs. Wilton turned the corner, her shoes clicking in the distance, they resumed to their obnoxiously loud happiness. 

“Oh my god,” Logan smiled. “You should have seen us on Friday. We’ve never had to run so fast in our lives.”

“What’s he talking about,” James whispered to Noah, who was trying to hide his face of embarrassment.

“Nothing, they’re being idiots. They were at my place before you came over.”

“Yeah and you kicked us out,” Thomas supplied. 

“Dude, I had to _drag_ you,” Logan clasped his friend’s shoulder. “You didn’t even know what was happening.”

“I know that you were screaming something about Noah getting dick and then you threw my shoes at me.” Noah groaned, shoving his face into James’ chest, as his boyfriend laughed at the story. 

“You two are something special,” Ben told them, shaking his head. “Absolute morons the both of you.” 

“That’s alright,” James chuckled. “It was probably best that you guys left.” He joined in on the teasing. Logan, Thomas and Ben ‘oohed’, as Noah’s face became a permanent shade of red. 

“I like you,” Logan nodded approvingly. “But don’t make me not like you,” his approval quickly became a threat. James’ grin widened. 

“I promise.”

“We better go,” Ben interrupted looking at his phone. “The line’s going to be huge.” 

“We’re going to Tim’s, if you want to come?” Thomas offered to the couple, but Noah declined again to study. With that, the boys took off and Noah exhaled.

“They’re so embarrassing, I swear,” he muttered through his smile as he waved them off. 

“They mean well,” James shrugged, placing a kiss on the side of Noah’s head. The younger boy went to kiss him, but his phone rang much to his annoyance. He didn’t even bother to look to see who it was, figuring it was Sophia, who said she would call him with instructions on how to file the table request forms but hadn’t yet. 

“Hello?” Noah answered, his smile probably evident in his tone. 

“Noah? It’s Jessica,” the caller said, almost sounding relieved that he had picked up. He furrowed his brow at her voice, not even knowing how she got his number. 

“It’s Jessica,” he told James, in confusion. James held out his hand motioning for the phone. Unsure of what else to do, he passed it over. 

“Jessica?” he sounded frustrated and very annoyed. “Stop calling Noah.” With that he hung up, handing him back his phone. 

“Why is she calling me?” James shrugged, stuffing his hands into his jacket’s pockets. 

“To talk shit? To manipulate you? She’s like a sieren,” he huffed. “She gets in your head and says whatever she has to in order to get her way.” Noah gave him a look, but James ran his fingers through the shorter boy’s hair. “Don’t worry about her, okay? She can be bitchy all she wants. I won. I have you.” 

Noah didn’t know what to say. He was positive his face was turning pink, but he couldn’t get any words out of his mouth. James cupped his face, kissing him. 

“Now I’ll leave you to study.”

“You do realize I have to study during lunch because of you, right?” James winked as he walked away, taking steps backwards. 

“I feel like you _want_ to blame me, but can you really?”

“Yes. Yes I can,” Noah told him, his hands on his hips. “I literally just did.”

“I can’t hear you! You’re too far away!” 

Smiling, Noah took a seat on the bench about to start studying when something stopped him; a little nagging voice in the back of his head. Taking a deep breath, Noah reached for his phone. 

> ME
> 
> Hi mom. I’m gay. I know that this isn’t probably what you expected or hoped for. I know it probably goes against everything you believe in, but I’m the same person I’ve always been. I hope you can see that.

**C L I P F I V E - _Thursday November 26th, 7:00pm_**

Ben dropped Noah off at home after his game, the school team winning against the Catholic high school in the Catholic district. Ben had played a good game, or so Logan was droning on about. Noah had been texting James who was about to have a “family dinner” for the first time in a week. _You should come over soon and meet them, before they have to jet set across the country again._ It made Noah smile and frown at the same time. Parents didn’t seem to like him-- except Ben’s mom, who didn’t count because she practically helped raise him. 

_“Something on your mind,”_ Mrs. Richards had asked him, noticing his lack of attention on the game. _“Or someone?”_ He had blushed and tightened his grip on his phone. He didn’t know how much Ben told her, or if he had at all.

 _“My… boyfriend,”_ he eventually worked up the courage to admit. She raised her brow, the expression making her look more like her son. 

_“Well when does this mama get to meet him?”_ He must have looked about ready to cry; her hand coming to rest on his knee with a loving gesture. _“You will always be welcome in my house, Noah. This doesn’t change anything.”_

Walking inside, he peeled off his layers of warm clothes as the heat began to settle into his bones. Striping away the gloves, hat, scarf, and thick jacket, he took one step towards his room before stopping. Voices were coming from the living room, not loud enough to be discernible, but hushed enough to be suspicious. 

Sitting on the sofa with Isla was the entire girl squad, seated around her listening. Christina and Sophia were on the ground where the coffee table had been moved out of the way. Ella was hugging Isla as Arwa held her hand. At the sound of the creaking floor board, they all turned to look at him. 

“Hi,” he gave a half-wave. “Don’t mind me. I’ll be in my room.” As he ducked out of the room, he could hear Isla sniffling. He hated seeing her like this. They may not have been super close, but they weren’t strangers either. Sometimes she reminded him of his own mother-- in little gestures, or when she tries to feed him healthy things without him noticing, and definitely in her choice in men. Seeing her cry made him clench up his fists. He wondered what would happen if William did show up. Would he punch him first or Eli? He bet Ella would like a swing in—she would give a good strong hit right across the jaw the first opportunity she got. He didn’t doubt it. 

**C L I P S I X - _Friday November 27th, 3:10pm_**

> JAMES 💕
> 
> Meet me at 249 Queen's Quay West at 5pm.

The text came with the final bell, a curious smile pulling at Noah’s lips as he stared at the address. Arwa raised her brow, having caught sight of the message as they were packing up, but she didn’t say anything. Noah copied the location and pasted it into Google, his eyes widening slightly as he saw where they were going. 

**C L I P S E V E N - _Friday November 27th, 5:02pm_**

Rush hour was a bitch downtown, but was worth the hassle as he stood in the foyer of a harbour front hotel. Christmas decorations were already strung throughout the space, garland hanging off of the front desk, adorned with silver ribbons. A huge tree was stationed in the lobby, blue and silver wrapped presents at its base. Ornaments of blue, green, silver, white and pink twisted up the tree like a swirl of a candy cane while origami paper animals scattered throughout the branches. The white marble floors glistened with the twinkling lights hanging like icicles from the ceiling. Noah felt out of place amongst the rich elegance of the place.

> JAMES 💕
> 
> Room 706. 

Noah took the elevator of the luxury hotel up to the seventh floor, noticing how the peacefulness wouldn't last very long as November would turn to December in a few days. Soon it would be bustling again with all the holiday tourists and re-visiting Canadians. In the reflection of the mirror, he could see how much happier he seemed. He hadn’t noticed how his resting expression seemed to be frozen in a small smile, or how the dark bags under his eyes had seemed to fade back to it’s normal tint. He’d been sleeping better now that he didn’t feel like he had to watch his every move, careful to not slip up. His hair even seemed to be cooperating with him today, it’s soft, light brown curls falling into place naturally.

Soon the doors dinged open, dropping him off on the seventh floor to find the rest of his way on his own. 

_706_ the silver door numbers read, as he knocked against the dark wood. There was a moment of nothing, and then it swung open. Seeing James standing there with a smile on his angelic features, his green eyes glassy with a hint of mischief, it made his heart speed up. He didn’t offer any explanation as to what they were doing there, at least not yet. In replace of words, he extended his hand like a prince asking for a dance. Noah, who was still dressed for the harsh cold outside, gave him his gloved hand. He was pulled into the room and spun around into James’ arms, nearly making him trip over his own feet; the spontaneous action causing him to laugh as the door closed. 

“I missed you,” James told him, studying Noah’s face. He put his hands on Noah’s cold face, sending a shiver down the younger boy’s spine. 

“You weren’t at school today,” he said, with a bit of disappointment. 

“Do you like the hotel?” James asked, making Noah confused by the change in subject. Either he was avoiding the question, or he genuinely didn’t process it. “It has a view of the lake, although I don’t know how amazing it’ll be frozen and covered in snow.” As his boyfriend left his side and walked over to the window, Noah removed all his layers and boots, setting them on a nearby chair. The room was nice. _Extremely nice_. It had light brown hardwood floors, with teal blue accents; the lakefront hotel carried the beachy feeling throughout it’s decor. It made him feel like it was summer again. There was a telescope in the corner by the huge windows that overlooked Lake Ontario, with a small terrace. The bed was larger than any he’d ever seen, and it looked like a pile of clouds. It was extremely nice and no doubt extremely expensive. 

“It’s beautiful,” Noah commented on the view as he joined James at the open curtain. The lake may not have been reflecting the sun off of it’s deep blue waves this time of year but the sun made the ice shine like glitter. 

“Not as beautiful as you,” James said, his eyes still on the waterfront. Noah looked over at him, taking him in. 

“You’re a smooth talker aren’t you?” he noted playfully. James smirked, before giving a one sided shrug. 

“It’s easy to be when your boyfriend is the hottest person on the planet.” Noah rolled his eyes at the answer. “I mean it! I’ll even scream it from the rooftops, if you’d like.” Before Noah could register that he was being serious, James was pushing open the sliding door, some snow falling in from off the balcony. Sticking his head through the opening, a gust of cold air blowing his hair back, he shouted, “MY BOYFRIEND IS THE HOTTEST PERSON ON THE PLANET!” Noah grabbed for him, forcing him back inside by the hem of his shirt. 

“What are you doing?” he laughed at the audacity. James didn’t explain himself, instead he pulled Noah to him by the loops of his jeans, tilting down to kiss him. For a moment, Noah forgot what he’d asked as his boyfriend flooded his senses. Every time James was near, the younger boy went numb with the intoxicating feeling of his closeness. 

They kissed like they hadn’t in weeks, which was less than true although it had been a few days. Noah draped his arms on the boy's shoulder, the palms of his hands running down his neck to his upper back. James shivered at Noah’s cold hands that had yet to warm up, but rather than pull away, he held him tighter. He brought their bodies together, making Noah open his mouth. The tail end of his gasp was swallowed by the deepening kiss as James moved them towards the bed behind him. 

Noah pressed his hands to his chest, sitting him onto the edge of the mattress. Their kiss broke for a moment as he sat in James’ lap. The latter was watching him with a dazed look of desire that made Noah’s heart race, his pulse in his throat. 

“내 사랑,” he whispered to the younger boy as they sat in a moment of still-- in the eye of a hurricane they were about to be swept up in. 

“What does that mean?” he finally asked him, his voice like a breath. James kissed the corner of his mouth, his lips brushing his skin like a feather. 

“My love.”

Noah pulled back slightly, blinking at him, afraid that if he spoke, he might not make a coherent sentence. _My love_. James seemed to pause in a moment of hesitation as he waited for a reaction that was delayed. He went to speak again, but Noah crashed their lips together, silencing him. He kissed him harder than he’d ever done, and the older boy’s shoulders relaxed as Noah held his face in his hands. 

James ran his hand down his side, tracing a touch along his thighs. Noah sighed as he leaned into him, forcing James’ back against the duvet. All the worries that he’d felt before had begun to melt away as his boyfriend wrapped his arms around him. Any stragness that he’d been curious about faded into a small hush behind his more prevalent thoughts. Everything was alright. 

* * *

Their food had arrived, but they stayed wrapped up in the comforter a bit longer, the warmth being shared between them. Noah’s cheek was pressed into James’ hair as they laid their listening to each other’s breaths. They had been like that for a while, neither of them wanting to leave the other or break the silence. Eventually they did, pushing through the drowsiness of sleep. Dressed in the softest bathrobes Noah had ever seen, they sat on the bed, a tray of chicken strips and french fries between them. Noah could feel James watching him as he plucked a single fry off the tray and popped it into his mouth. Looking up at him, he blushed under his gaze. 

“What?” James smiled, shrugging, reaching for his own handful of fries. 

“I was just thinking about our wedding,” he said nonchalantly. Noah took a bite of chicken, his brow raised at the admittance. 

“Oh?” 

“Yes, we’re going to have french fries,” James told him. “Like a whole table of just french fries.”

“Just fries?” Noah smiled at the silliness of what he was saying. 

“Okay, fries and chicken strips. Maybe we can get Wendy’s to cater.” He wanted to laugh, but James seemed serious. “And it's going to be a huge wedding!” 

“So, we’re getting married now?” 

“You don’t think so?” James teased. “We’re so going to get married! We’ll rent a huge venu-- we’ll rent this place! And we’ll get married on Halloween and it’ll be Romeo and Juliet themed!” Noah swallowed. 

“Don’t you think that’s a little depressing?”

“And I’ll propose to you from below your balcony!” he kept going, ignoring Noah’s comment. “We’ll recreate the whole play and everyone will cry at the end because our love is so strong everyone will weep.” 

“The entire play? Even the death scene?”

“You know the only way of having something forever is to lose it.” Before Noah could say anything, James continued. “How many Noah and James are there sitting like this?” Noah felt whiplashed by the sudden question, his tone having gone from somber to happy like the flick of a switch.

“Uh,” Noah hesitated. “Too many to count. A lot.”

“When I climb up your balcony, you’re going to be so pretty dressed like an angel.” 

“Huh?”

“When he shall die, Take him and cut him out in little stars, And he will make the face of heaven so fine. That all the world will be in love with night. And pay no worship to the garish sun,” James recited, reaching out to brush Noah’s hair behind his ear.“One day you’re going to die but you will turn into the biggest star.” 

“James,” Noah whispered, with worry. “Don’t say things like that.” He blinked at the younger boy as if he was confused why he’d tell him that. Then his frown pulled back into a smile like a flickering mirage.

“I was kidding.” 

**C L I P E I G H T -** _**Friday November 27th, 11:41pm** _

Noah had fallen asleep with James’ arms wrapped around him, the worry he’d felt before, drifted away as James slept peacefully next to him. That was, until he wasn’t. James had gotten out of the bed with an anxious twitch of being too warm. Noah, who got frostbite from just _looking_ outside, was wracking his brain to try and comprehend what was happening. James had pulled open the sliding door again, now standing barefoot in the snow. Noah was laying groggily, in a state between asleep and awake. 

“Come back to bed, baby,” he mumbled, as his eyes squinted open. His hand reached out into the air, and eventually James took it, crawling back under the covers. His feet brushed against Noah’s bare leg, making him hiss. “You’re frozen,” Noah yelped. “Come here.” And James snuggled close, an exhale escaping Noah’s mouth as they relaxed.

He fell back asleep quickly. 

But it didn’t last long, as he woke up to the sound of the hotel door shutting and an empty bed. It took Noah a moment for sleep to leave him, before he realized what had happened. Sitting up with a desperate concern. He turned on the lamp on the side table, making his eyes blur at the bright shine of the light illuminating the room. His eyes scanned the space, noticing one of the bathrobes missing and James’ shoes. 

“James!” he shouted, but didn’t get a reply. Noah practically fell from the bed, rushing for his clothes, throwing on just his pants and jacket. His boots in hand he raced for the elevator, the hotel room slamming shut as his heart pounded in his throat. He put them on as the levels clicked passed, the elevator dropping him off at the lobby. He frantically looked around, noticing that the front desk was empty. The foyer was also barren, as the clock hit midnight. Rushing through the front doors, he found a white bathrobe on the sidewalk. He scooped it off the ground, clutching it to his chest. The snow was coming down with the threatening storm, the weather forcing most people inside. There were a few drunk people wandering around, the city still living its life completely unaware of how scared Noah was right now. 

“James!” he screamed out, but he got nothing but odd looks from passing pedestrians braving the storm that whirled past them. He didn’t know what to do. He scrambled for his phone as he raced down the street, thinking about where he might have gone. Anything could happen to him. He was running through the -4 cold of Toronto without clothes on; he could freeze to death if he wasn’t beaten up or put on YouTube first.

“Jessica!” he said frantically as she picked up his call. “I don’t know what’s happening, Jessica. I-- James, he just ran out naked into downtown Toronto! I can’t find him!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The "W Network" (aka the Women's Network): the Canadian Hallmark channel which shows a mix of Hallmark movies and cable network tv shows/movies like Law and Order. 
> 
> The song James sings is called "Ain't Easy" by Elijah Woods x Jamie Fine
> 
> The Launch: a Canadian music competition show that works with singers and song writers. 
> 
> The Distillery District: a location in Toronto that hosts the annual Toronto Christmas Market. There is a ferris wheel, shops, booths, restaurants, performances and a lot of Christmas cheer.


	9. Episode Nine: Hammer To Fall

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, Karen

**C L I P O N E - _Saturday November 28th, 12:17am_**

Noah was freezing, his body turning a shade of blue that he didn’t know possible, but he didn’t care. His body could have been covered in frostbite and decaying right where he stood, but he wouldn’t have felt it. His mind was confused, worried and terrified as he huddled at the corner of the street. A taxi pulled up with a sudden halt, the snow under its tires causing it to slide slight. After a moment, she stepped out, her features shadowed heavily by emotion: her eyes piercing, lips pursed, jaw set tightly.

They stood face to face in a stand off of pride and guilt and hatred. But Noah would have kissed her feet if she asked. He would have done anything for clarity. 

“Jessica,” he sighed, relief burning through his chest. She had her phone in hand, the device shaking by how tightly she was gripping it.

“The police have him. He’s at the precinct," she spoke through her teeth. Noah nodded, his arms wrapping around himself, but wether it was primarily for warmth or comfort he didn't know.

“I don’t understand-- what’s going on?”

Like a bomb going off, she seemed to explode with a pent up pressure that seemed to have been building since he'd called her. “He’s bipolar, Noah!” she screamed at him, before her gloved hand grabbed at her hair in frustration. “He’s manic!”

He had once described her as having the beauty of a southern bell with a warm smile and cold heart. Right now she only had the latter.

Noah flitched as her voice rang through his ears. “I didn’t know he was…” 

“There is so much you don’t know, Noah,” she spat her words as if it was his fault. “You know anything about him. You think he’s in love with you? He’s not. You’re just some whim of his mania-- he could never love you. Last year he memorized the Quran for some boy because he thought it was true love. He doesn’t even remember his name! You're just trivial! So--” she took a shaky breath. “ _Stay away_ , Noah. Just-just leave him alone. You’ll just make him worse.” 

With that, she got back in her waiting taxi, and left him standing on the street as tears ran down his face. They left frozen trails along his cheeks as they fell onto the collar of his jacket. A scream was caught in his throat, but bit down on it, he clamped his hand over his mouth to muffle any sound that managed to escape. A lady walked past him, holding her hat as the wind picked up. She gave him a sympathetic look of confusion, a sad smile on her lips as she kept walking. It pulled him out of his mind, shocking him back to the reality of the situation. He was cold, freezing down to his bones. He was sick to his stomach, a headache grown fast behind his tired eyes. And he was all alone. 

Coughing, Noah began to walk back to the hotel a block away, worried for a moment that he might collapse as he felt a wave of nausea settle over him. His tears hadn't stopped, in fact they had begun to come down at an uncontrolled rate-- warm and salty. His fingers burned with the cold, as he fumbled for his phone. Through his watery eyes, he managed to dial a number. Lifting it up to his ear, he thought he might be able to mask his crying from his voice but as the _hello_ echoed through the speaker, he lost any control he had left. 

“Can you come get me?” his voice broke as a sob escaped from his mouth. 

“Of course, cupcake.”

**C L I P T W O- _Saturday November 28th, 5:00pm_**

Noah was buried under his covers, his cheek pressed against his pillow, his back turned to the door. Every few minutes, a cough would force its way through, making his body ache with a pain from his chest. He could hear Isla and Elijah talking, their voices low as they watched him from the doorway. 

“I don’t know what happened,” Eli whispered to her, thinking Noah was asleep. “I found him freezing outside, and now he's got a fever now and I don’t know if I should call his dad.”

“No,” Isla told him, sternly. “Not unless it gets worse. His dad will only stress him out more.”

“But Isla, he’s falling apart. I’m scared. He wasn’t sleeping, then he wasn’t eating, then he’s downtown at midnight crying on the street. Now he’s sick, I--” he sighed. "We're not his parents, but I don't know who else will look out for him." 

“Where’s James in all of this,” she asked, her voice accusingly. Noah's eyes opened at the sound of the other boy's name, his heart twisting but his body too weak to cry. 

“I don’t know.”

Elijah and Isla fell silent, but just as they were about to leave, Noah's cough rattled his body again. A shiver ran up his spine, as he gripped the blanket tighter around him. The due walked around the bed to check on him, afraid that he might be getting worse. 

“Hey,” Isla touched her hand to his face, in a motherly gesture. “How are you feeling?”

“Like shit,” his voice scratched, horsley.

“What happened, cupcake?” Elijah prompted, his hand fidgeting with his necklace. Noah closed his eyes, before sniffling.

“Everything we had was a delusion for him,” Noah said barely above a whisper. “None of it was real.”

“What are you talking about,” Isla said, crouching down. As she did a curl of fiery red hair fell out of the bun on top of her head. 

“He’s bipolar,” he told her; his voice barely audible from how painful his throat felt. “He was manic the whole time."

“Noah,” Elijah exhaled, a sympathetic gaze in his eyes. “I’m sorry… do you need anything?”

“I just want to sleep.” 

“I’ll get you some NyQuil,” Isla announced, standing up. “It’ll help you rest. Come on, Eli.” And with that she tugged Elijah out of the room in search for cold medication, leaving Noah to revel in his self-pity.

Next to him, his phone vibrated on the bedside table. He ignored the first one and the second one, but by the third he begrudgingly reaching for it.

> JAMES 💕
> 
> The fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man knows himself to be a fool.
> 
> JAMES 💕
> 
> Let me not to the marriage of true minds
> 
> Admit impediments; love is not love
> 
> Which alters when it alteration finds,
> 
> Or bends with the remover to remove.
> 
> O no, it is an ever-fixed mark
> 
> That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
> 
> It is the star to every wandering bark,
> 
> Whose worth’s unknown, although his height be taken.
> 
> Love’s not Time’s fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
> 
> Within his bending sickle’s compass come;
> 
> Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
> 
> But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
> 
> If this be error and upon me proved,
> 
> I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
> 
> JAMES 💕
> 
> So are you to my thoughts as food to life,
> 
> Or as sweet seasoned showers are to the ground;
> 
> And for the peace of you I hold such strife
> 
> As ‘twixt a miser and his wealth is found;
> 
> Now proud as an enjoyer, and anon
> 
> Doubting the filching age will steal his treasure;
> 
> Now counting best to be with you alone,
> 
> Then better’d that the world may see my pleasure;
> 
> Sometime all full with feasting on your sight,
> 
> And by and by clean starved for a look;
> 
> Possessing or pursuing no delight
> 
> Save what is had or must from you be took.
> 
> Thus do I pine and surfeit day by day,
> 
> Or gluttoning on all, or all away.
> 
> ME
> 
> James, I can’t do this anymore. Please stop. 

He couldn’t cry anymore. He was too exhausted, physically, mentally and emotionally for this shit. And as his phone dinged again, he thought he might throw it across the room out of pure anger. 

> MOM
> 
> My darling. Noah, you were the light of my life the moment I saw you. You will always be my son. I will always love you, Noah. No matter what. I’ll see you on Friday.

**C L I P T H R E E- _Wednesday Decemeber 2nd, 11:40am_**

Noah finally went back to school on Wednesday; his fever broken and his coughing and sneezing only leaving him with a sore throat and a red nose. He found the boys at lunch in the foyer, avoiding the cafeteria like the plague these days due to the overcrowding. Catching sight if him, a hush fell over the group. 

“Bro,” Logan muttered as Noah coughed into his elbow, taking up his spot next to Ben. 

“Dude,” Thomas added. "You look like you got hit by a train." 

Ben frowned, carefully studying his best friend. “Where’ve you been?” 

“I haven’t felt good," he told them, his voice having slightly returned to normal.

“No shit,” Thomas mused sarcastically. “You look like crap.” Noah didn’t even have the energy to send him a dirty look.

Ben put a gentle hand on his shoulder. “What happened, H? You haven’t gotten sick since like seventh grade.” Noah remembered that day. They had gone to Casa Loma with the entire school in the middle of June, with the sun burning hot enough to fry an egg on the pavement. He’d gotten heat stroke from not drinking enough water. 

“I was in the storm on Friday in only a jacket, jeans and boots,” he told them, stifling a sneeze. They all gave him a group look of ‘what the fuck’. “I was… running after James, who completely lost it.” 

“What do you mean?” Ben asked, with furrowed brows. “ _Lost it_?”

“Yeah, he just _snapped_.. He um…” Noah took a breath. “He’s bipolar and was having a manic episode. He ran off completely naked down the street.” Logan whistled, leaning back to sit on his hands. 

“Yeah, my mom’s pulled shit like that before too.” Noah looked up at him.

“What?”

“My mom’s bipolar too,” he shrugged. “Want a funny story?” Noah didn’t reply but the other two nodded. “She tried to break into the filming of the Suicide Squad because she loves Will Smith.”

“No way,” Thomas huffed. 

“Yes sir,” he attested. “My dad had to pick her up from the police station. She went manic and completely obsessed over Will Smith; it was really funny.” Noah gave him a look. “But also scary. So where’s he now.”

“At home? I don’t know.”

“No, like mentally? Is he depressive?” Logan asked, trying to figure out how best to help. Noah shrugged. 

“I wouldn’t know. I haven’t talked to him.”

“Why not?” 

“Because--because I’ll only make him worse,” Noah confessed, pressing his hand to his forehead, a headache forming between his eyebrows. “Because our entire relationship was some sort of fucking manic whim.”

“That’s not possible,” Logan shook his head. “You’ve been with him for like a while right? There’s no way he’s been manic for all of it. When my mom is hyper like that, it’s like you can’t talk to her. She bounces around from subject to subject and it’s like she can’t hear you. We all met James and he seemed perfectly fine. You’ve had conversations with him right?”

“Obviously,” Noah answered. 

“You must have noticed a difference between talking to him when he was manic and when he wasn’t.” 

“I guess… yeah,” Noah thought about it. “Yeah.” Logan motioned to him with his hand.

“See!” 

“But… but Jessica said he was manic the entire time.” The guys all shared a look.

“Sorry,” Thomas interrupted. “But uh, who’s Jessica?” 

“James’ ex-girlfriend.” The looks on his friends’ faces were the equivalent to an exasperated groan of stupidity. Logan rolled his eyes. Ben looked about ready to slap him. And Thomas gave a sarcastic bark of a laugh. 

“You listened to his girlfriend?” Ben blanched. “A girl who has every reason to hate you? And be jealous of you?”

“Dude,” Logan sighed. “So you believed her when she told you he doesn’t have feelings for you? Sure, and people call me dumb.”

“Have you even talked to James?” Thomas imputed. “To see what he has to say about his own feelings?” 

“I don’t know…”

“Noah,” Logan continued. “Just because he had an episode doesn’t mean, you know, he’s braindead or something. He’s the same person he was before. Just wait for him to calm down and then talk to him.”

**C L I P F O U R- _Thursday December 3rd, 7:10pm_**

Noah sat cross legged on his bed, his phone laying flat in his hands as he stared down at James’ contact. The two pink hearts that followed his name made Noah’s stomach sink. He missed him; he wanted to know how he was, but what if Logan was wrong? He might not have been manic the entire time, but what if he’d caused him to lapse? What if Jessica was right and Noah only made things worse?

His mind hadn’t caught up with his actions as his finger dialled the number. Within seconds the line was ringing and his mouth had gone dry. It rang, and rang, and rang, until he was sent to his voicemail box. As he was prompted to leave a message, he quickly hung up, feeling like he needed to puke. He closed his eyes, taking in a deep breath. Maybe he was just sleeping... Suddenly, his phone began vibrate, sending his heart leaping into his throat. His face fell when he saw the caller ID. 

“Hi,” he answered coldly, pulling his knees up to his chest. 

“Noah.” He could hear his father's surprise in his voice, having doubted that his son would actually respond. “How are you? You sound stuffed up.” 

“I’m getting over a cold. Did you need something?” His father inhaled, the sharp sound coming through the microphone like an ear piercing whistle. 

“I wanted to know if we were still on for tomorrow, but if you’re sick--”

“No, I’m coming,” he cut him off. “I want to see mom.” 

“Ah,” he cleared his throat. “Then you’ll be there for the eight pm service at St. James?” Noah wanted to laugh at the irony. 

“Sure.” There was a pause of silence. 

“So… you have a… boyfriend?” Noah flinched but he didn’t know if it was because of how withdrawn his father sounded, or from the pain of having been reminded twice of his fail relationship in this conversation. 

“Had,” Noah told him, with a somber tone. “I had one… we um… it’s over.” 

“Oh,” his father said. “Well… are you sad?” Noah clenched his teeth together.

“I’m okay,” he managed to choke out although he didn’t know how believable it sounded. Noah blinked away his tears, brushing them away with his thumb. 

“That’s good, Noah. This will pass.” Noah didn’t know if he was talking about his heartbreak or about his sexuality, but he wasn’t in the mood to discuss either. 

“Bye.” Noah hung up abruptly, before his silent crying could become more apparent. He wanted to sit here forever and never come out of his room. He wanted to lock himself in and throw away the key. Breakups had always seemed dramatic on tv. The girls always cry into their pillows while eating ice cream; her friends whispering about how much better off she is now that he’s gone. He thought they were being stupid about it. It was just some dumb relationship that hadn’t even lasted a week, but they were devisatied. Now he knew what it felt like, and although he knew he was overreacting, he couldn't help it. It felt like he was dying. And yet as he laid here ‘dying’, he couldn’t help but wonder if James was dying too. 

> ME to JAMES 💕
> 
> [ https://youtu.be/8xg3vE8Ie_E ](https://youtu.be/8xg3vE8Ie_E)

**C L I P F I V E- _Friday December 4th, 7:55pm_**

Noah wasn’t religious. He believed in science and parallel universes and in the unpredictability of it and that the extent of its unknown was infinite. But he was still in awe of the churches that literted the city; the history that was seeped into their bones like the history of it’s scripture. His mother had never been particularly religious either, only opting to go to mass on the major holidays like Easter and Christmas. Then her illness got worse and her ability to discern from reality and fiction became close to none. There was a difference between believing, worshiping and having faith, and thinking that you were the second coming of Jesus and that the devil was trying to make you fall like Lucifer. 

Standing on the steps of St. James, he saw his mother waiting for him. Her short brown hair was graying at the roots, giving her silver streaks throughout her deep auburn colour. She had her long winter coat drawn over her, with a red scarf tucked snugly around her neck. She saw him as he walked up the stairs, tears welling in her eyes. It had been three months. 

“My baby,” she whispered, pulling him into a hug. Feeling her arms around him, a comfort that he had been craving for so long now, made him want to break. He wanted to cry and have her hold him, but today wasn’t about him. 

“Hi mamma,” he said, kissing her cheek. “How are you feeling.” 

“Much better now that I get to see you, dear.” She looped her arm through his and began walking towards the door.

Are we not waiting for dad?” His mother’s gaze dropped and that’s all Noah needed in order to know that his dad was being an asshole yet again. 

* * *

The priest began the service and Noah faced forward, looking right through him as he spoke. Everything he was saying was muted, rolling off him like a wave. His mind was just too busy to be processing what was happening. About five minutes into a mass, a choir member began singing a psalm, the entire congregation-- a handful of people in on a Friday night-- began to sing with her reading from the book of songs laying in the pews. His mother opened the book, turning to the correct page, muttering along. Noah pressed his lips tightly together as his phone vibrated. Thinking that it was his father, he was prepared to leave the church in order to yell at him for getting his mother’s hopes up. Sneaking it out of his pocket, his eyes peered at his screen from under his hand. 

> JAMES 💕
> 
> Noah, did my heart love till now? Forswear it, sight! For I ne’er saw true beauty till I saw you at that semi-formal meeting, when you bumped into me in the doorway. I thought I died right there, losing myself in your eyes, and to your smile that pulled your lips up into a perfect curve. I can’t help but remember you. It’s dark outside right now, and I’m sitting in our spot looking up at the stars. I know one of them would lead me to you, but I just don’t know which. Is it the brightest that draws everyone’s attention with its beauty? Or is it the one which is out-shined by those around it, but is far more mesmerizing? I’m sorry. I’m sorry for scaring you. I’m sorry for hurting you. I’m sorry for not telling you that I’m bipolar. I thought that I was doing it for you, but I was really doing it for me. I found love and I didn’t want to lose it. But I know that to love is to lose, just as to live is to die-- inevitable. In a different universe we will be together for an eternity. I love you. James. 

Noah felt every muscle in his body tense. 

“Mamma?” he looked over at her, fear in his eyes. She took one glance at him and she inclined her head. “I need to go. I’m sorry.” She took his hand, squeezing it. 

“Go. I’ll see you again soon.” Noah gave her a sad smile before getting out of the pew and casting one final look over at the cross that hung from the ceiling over the altar. He wasn’t religious, but in this moment, he hoped that any and all gods would hear his prayer. He did the sign of the cross for the first time in years as he left down the aisle, towards the exit. 

His feet picked up speed as the large wooden doors shut behind him, no doubt echoing throughout the entire church. He ran down the stairs, debating whether the subway was even a consideration. Looking at his phone, he knew that a taxi was also a gamble, especially if there was some sports game playing tonight. Cursing, he hailed the teal and orange taxi. 

**C L I P S I X- _Friday December 4th, 8:21pm_**

Noah ran from the side walk down the winding path of the park, snow crunching under his boots as he did. The only thing illuminating the area were a few street lamps that managed to make his eyesight worse. Even with the terrible lighting, he could see the playground coming up as he raced towards it. 

Climbing up the ladder of the structure, he stood on the metal bridge, his hands gripping the railing as he looked out. The wind blew past him, making his eyes water. 

“James!” Noah screamed out into the darkness with a desperation he’d never felt before. Then, as if a god heard his prayer, his eyes fell on a figure huddled against the swings. His heart stopped for a moment, before his feet took off again. He grabbed onto the fire pole, dropping down to the ground with a second thought, landing on the snow covered sand with a steady balance. 

He ran over to him, dropping to his knees, not caring about the cold snow that was melting through his jeans. Noah reached out a shaky hand, laying it against James’ reddened cheeks. The older boy was crying, his green eyes slowly opened to look at Noah. They were black, darkened by the night and by the thoughts in his mind. Noah brushed his thumb under his eye, wiping away at a tear. 

“You’re not alone,” Noah whispered to him, pressing their foreheads together. “You’re not alone.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Casa Loma: a gothic style castle in downtown Toronto that was deemed as a historic landmark that now serves as a museum (it's really stunning for something in the middle of a city).


	10. Episode Ten: Good Old-Fashioned Lover Boy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it! The final episode of Skam Canada season 3: Noah!

**C L I P O N E -** _**Saturday December 5th, 5:09am** _

James was turned away from him, finally asleep after a long night of tossing. Noah was laying on his back, his fingers folded on his chest as he chewed his lip. It was difficult to watch James suffering in a way he couldn’t help; like being trapped behind a glass wall. His breaths were calm, but Noah knew that he was anything but okay. Finding him in the dark park completely gone, the light in his eyes burnt out and replaced with a sorrow that Noah couldn’t describe, it was like watching a vase falling slowly to the ground until it was just shattered remnants of a once beautiful piece of art. 

Beside him, James shifted, the blanket pulling awkwardly with him. Reaching out, Noah adjusted it to cover him from the bitter cold of the early morning. He smiled at him even though he knew he couldn’t see him. Having him next to him, safe, was an indescribable relief. He’d been so scared, _so_ _scared_.

Noah turned on his side, his eyes resting on James’ figure only outlined by the faint moonlight peeking through the curtains that hadn’t been properly closed. His lips twitched, dropping for a moment as he lifted an arm and laid it across James’ middle. The boy didn’t recoil from the touch, but he didn’t give into either. Closing his eyes, Noah leaned in, pressing a kiss to the bottom of James’ neck, just above the collar of Noah’s old t-shirt. His skin seemed more sickly, the warmer tones paling until the older boy looked like faded papyrus. It made Noah sigh with helplessness. He held him close, the heat between them just bearable that he never wanted to untangle himself from him. 

* * *

He slept for two hours more, the sun still having yet to make its appearance when he woke. James had remained in the same spot, but had twisted in Noah’s arms until he was facing him. Noah brushed a curled strand of hair from his forehead, pushing it back on his head with a mindless gesture. James shivered subconsciously at the light touch, like a feather brushing the bottom of your foot. The younger boy kissed him above his right eyebrow where the hair had been. He didn’t want to let him go, but he knew he had to somehow tell James’ parents that he was okay. He couldn’t imagine what was running through their heads right now.

Turning slightly, Noah grabbed for his phone, off the charger. He single handedly unplugged the cable, his phone lighting up with the movement. He hid the screen against the comforter as it adjusted to the darkness of the room. He pressed his thumb to the button, he unlocked it and quickly typed a message. 

> ME to JESSICA 
> 
> Hi, Jessica. It’s Noah. James is with me and I wanted to let his parents know, but I don’t have their number. 

He was about to put his phone back down, when it began to vibrate with an incoming call from Jessica. Casting a glance over to James, who was still sleeping, he reluctantly let go of him and slipped from under the covers. 

“Hello?” he whispered as he left the room, walking into the hallway. He kept the door slightly ajar, his eyes not leaving his boyfriend’s figure through the crack. 

“Hi.” She sounded just as tired as he probably did. “James told his parents already, so no need to worry.” 

“I didn’t mean to wake you if--”

“No, no, you didn’t,” she sighed, and he could hear her scratch her nails through her hair. “I wasn’t asleep. I uh, was worried.” There was a pause of awkwardness after the confession. He wanted to be jealous with her, or at least tell her not to worry about his boyfriend, but he couldn’t. He knew what it was like to love James Min, even if for a little while, and he knew better than anyone that you couldn’t just stop caring about him. 

“He’s alright,” Noah told her. “I mean, he’s not… great, but he’s sleeping.” 

“Let him rest,” she advised him. “It’s best to leave him be during a depressive episode.”

“What am I supposed to do?” he asked her, a fear in his voice that he wondered if she ever had. 

“What can a person ever really do,” she said, her voice like a shrug. “Just be there for him. Support him. If he needs to sleep, let him. If he’s not hungry, don’t force him to eat. There’s no secret to it, Noah. You just have to… to figure it out through trial and error. Talk to him when he’ll answer questions and if he doesn’t, there are many people who you can reach out to.” Noah thought about Logan and his mom, a resource he never expected to need but now thought about calling. 

“Thank you,” he told her sincerely. “I know this isn’t the most normal situation for you to be in.” 

“Yes well,” she paused. “I’m sorry for how I treated you last week, especially for all the shitty things I said. I was panicked and scared and I took it out on you. I mean, no offence, I don’t think we could ever be friends, but I don’t hate you.” He laughed quietly at that, albeit more of an exhale than a full chuckle. 

“I think that is a mutual feeling.”

“You seem like a good person, despite the circumstances, so don’t stress about it, okay? He’s chosen, and he’s chosen you. I think you have too, so don’t let this deter you.”

“You said you’re taking poli sci?” 

“Yup, future politician in your midst.”

“I can see that. Speeches seem like your thing.” He could sense her smile through the phone.

“Have a good life, Noah.”

“Have a good life, Jessica.” 

**C L I P T W O -** _**Saturday December 5th, 9:19am** _

Noah was reading, scrolling through articles and forums in search of all the information he could possibly get. He was sitting up against the backboard, in a hoodie that was too big for him, with his laptop in his lap. Next to him, James began to stir awake slowly until he was blinking up at Noah with an emotionless stare. 

“Morning, baby,” Noah said, running his fingers through his hair. He seemed far away, his thoughts so loud that the other boy thought he could hear them.

“Hi,” he spoke weakly. “What time is it?” Flickering his eyes to the screen, Noah read the clock in the top right corner. 

“Nine nine-teen am,” he told him, his fingers still having not left his hair. “Hungry?” 

“I should go.” 

“Why?” Noah smiled sadly down at him, shaking his head lightly. “Didn’t you once tell me that you wanted to lie here with me forever?”

“I don’t want you to feel like you have to take care of me.” Noah shut the lid of his laptop, setting it on his side table. Shifting, he laid back down, to be on James’ level. 

“I don’t feel like I’m taking care of you,” he said honestly. “And what would be so wrong if I did?” James rolled onto his back to avoid his eye. 

“I don’t want you to be sad.” 

“Look at me.” James didn’t. Noah touched his thumb and index finger to James’ chin, tilting his face to look at him. “Look at me, I’m not sad.” 

Tears were glossing over his boyfriend’s eyes, the blank look in them becoming one of pain. He swallowed, before shifting back to look at the ceiling. Noah pulled back his hand, clutching it to his chest. 

“This isn’t going to work out,” James eventually said, his voice breaking on the tail end of his statement. Noah furrowed his brows. 

“You don’t know that.” 

“I do.”

“Um, no you don’t,” Noah corrected him. “You actually don’t know shit.” He didn’t sound angry but rather amused, teasing him. 

“It’s true,” he sighed. “I’m going to hurt you. I’m going to yell at you, and I’m going to slam doors, and I’m going to run off, and then you’re going to hate me.” 

“That’s a pretty detailed list.” 

“I’m being serious, Noah.” James looked at him again. 

“So am I,” Noah fought back with a little more bite to his words. “You think you get to tell me how this relationship is going to end? You don’t know shit. The US could tweet at China and Russia and we’ll all die in a nuclear war before the end of the week. _You don’t know._ ” 

“Noah--”

“Let’s play a game.” The random request made James lose track of what he was going to say; confusion settling in the lines of his features. “It’s called James and Noah, minute by minute. Where we only have to think about the next minute, completely chill about the future. Okay?”

“Okay.” 

“Let’s start right now,” Noah suggested. “What do you want to do for this first minute?” 

“I get to pick?” James’ tone was slightly playful and Noah wanted to cry. He still had a long way to go but he was coming back. 

“Sure thing, Romeo. What would you like to do?” 

“Kiss me,” James whispered to him. Noah didn’t have to be asked twice. He put his hand on James’ chest, inclined his head until their lips met. It was definitely not their best kiss, but it didn’t have to be for it to be Noah’s favourite. It was promising, a kiss that tasted of salty tears and living in the moment. It was sweet like the honey from Noah’s tea. It was bitter, the taste of sick still lingering in Noah’s mouth, and the taste of sleep in James’. None of that mattered though because they needed this. 

“Love is heavy and light, bright and dark, hot and cold, sick and healthy, asleep and awake--”

“It’s everything except what it is,” Noah finished the quote. James raised his brow. “If Romeo and Juliet is going to be our thing I might as well be able to keep up with you.”

“Our thing…” James repeated.

**C L I P T H R E E - _Monday December 7th, 11:32am_**

“Do you want me to check up on muffin?” Elijah asked as Noah fastened his locker closed, twisting the dial to zero. He rolled his eyes at James’ new nickname. Cupcake and muffin. Any more people named after desserts and they could just call the apartment ‘the bakery’. 

“No,” Noah told him. “Let him sleep. You don’t have to baby him. He’s depressed, not a newborn.” 

“Fine, fine. But just warning you that I’m stress baking right now and if you come home to find your boyfriend is ten pounds heavier, it’s not my fault.” 

“Should I have asked Lynn to be in charge?” he asked, a smile on his lips. Eli snorted. 

“Do you want him to have more existential thoughts? Please, for a crim major she’s super into philosophy these days. You know I wonder if it’s because that girl from her crim class, the one who comes by sometimes, is in it… holy shit, is this house full of gays?”

“Bye Eli,” Noah tried to hang up. 

“Maybe the water does turn people gay,” Elijah joked. “But only the water specifically in this apartment.”

“Goodbye, Elijah.” Noah ended the call, chuckling to himself about the conversation.

“Hey, Noah,” Sophia came up to him. She was dressed in a christmas sweater, the bells on Rudolph’s harness jingling with every step she took. 

“Nice sweater, Soph.” She smiled down at it and then back up at him. 

“Can you believe that semi is on Friday?” she asked, excitedly. Honestly, he had kind of forgotten about it. 

“It’s going to be so much fun,” he said. “But um, I don’t think I can make it anymore.” Her face dropped.

“But you’ve helped organize it! You have to come!”

“I helped make centrepieces this morning with Arwa,” he replied blandly. “I haven’t done much.

“And ticket sales? And you organized all those table sign-up forms and all the out of school guest requests.” Okay maybe he did more than he remembered. 

“James isn’t feeling really well,” he told her. 

“Don’t let you boyfriend stop you from having fun! Come on, you deserve to dance a little!” He went to argue, but he closed his mouth, seeing the pleading in her eyes. 

“Okay, I’ll think about it.” She smiled at him, patting him on the shoulder. 

“I’ll see you there.” He hung his head in a laugh for a second before starting on his walk to lunch. As he turned the corner he bumped into someone.

“Sorry,” he said, before his brain could catch up with his eyes. “Oh.” Standing in front of him was Emma. Her straight hair was curled and hanging loosely down her shoulders. Her plaid red dress had straps like overalls, layered over a long sleeve black shirt. She looked even more like out of a Disney channel tv show. She went to walk past him, but he stopped her, sidestepping to stand in her way. 

“Emma” He said her name like a plea to be heard. “Please.” She clenched her teeth, crossing her arms. 

“What do you want.” 

“Can’t we be civil?” he questioned. She laughed. 

“We passed civil after Halloween.” 

“Are you really going to waste your energy on this shit? It’s been a month, Emma.

I’m not asking you to forgive or forget, but at least to not stare daggers at me in the halls.”

“You humiliated me.”

“And you outed me.” 

“Consider us even,” she huffed. He narrowed his eyes on her. 

“Even? We are nowhere near _even_ , Emma. Coming out-- that’s the one thing I get to control. I don’t get to control all the dirty looks I get, or the slurs people cough under their breath. so the only thing I get is coming out. Okay, yes, I used you. I admit it. Fuck, it was a horrible thing for me to do and I regret it. But you don’t get to play the martyr and the villain at the same time. You don’t get to say that one second of hulliation for you is the equivalent to what you did to me.” 

She looked as if she’d gotten slapped. 

“I…”

“I don’t want an apology,” he told her. “I don’t need one. Just… just cool down okay? I’ve got one more semester here so for the sake of both of us, let’s be civil okay?”

“Okay.” 

“Okay,” he sighed. “I’ll see you at semi.”

**C L I P T H R E E - _Wednesday December 9th, 4:01pm_**

The last thing Noah expected to find was James with Lynn. It made him stop dead in his tracks at the sight. They were just… talking. Lynn didn’t do ‘chit chat’, she never even wanted to talk to Noah about the most basic things. 

“What kind of twilight zone shit did I just walk into?” he asked, leaning his shoulder against the living room’s wall. James looked up at him from the sofa, the green in his eyes the brightest he’d seen lately. Lynn rolled her eyes, getting up to leave. 

“I’m going to take a nap before work,” she announced walking to her bedroom. Noah scrunched up his face as his eyes trailed her out. 

“She hates me and I don’t know why.” 

“Nah, she hates everyone,” James assured him. “Except me. I think she likes me.” 

“Really?” Noah raised his brow. “And here I thought, Elijah was the biggest threat in his apartment.” James laughed at him-- his first actual laugh. It made Noah’s heart clench. 

“Why are you all the way over there, _내 사랑?”_ James held out his arms, and it took everything for Noah to not run into them as if he hadn’t seen him in years. 

He walked over to the couch and melted into his hug, burying his face in the crook of his boyfriend’s neck. 

“I missed you today,” he told Noah. 

“You always miss me.” James kissed him on the side of his face. “How are you feeling?”

“Better… not super great though. It comes and goes in waves, I guess.”

“What does?” Noah, shifted so that he was sitting in his lap, facing him. 

“Certain thoughts…” He didn’t seem inclined to discuss it any further so Noah changed the subject. 

“Well,” Noah placed his hands on James’ chest. “Sophia cornered me today and threatened me about semi.” 

“You don’t have to skip just because I’m not going.” 

“But what fun is slow dancing with Logan if you’re not there to get jealous?” James snorted at the joke. 

“I’m sure Logan would slow dance with you and then get jealous with himself on behalf of me.” It was Noah’s turn to laugh. 

“Fine,” he sighed. “I’ll go, but I’ll be moody about it.” 

“Deal,” James agreed. “We can always slow dance when you come home.” _Home._

“Will you still be here Friday?” James’ attention flickered out the window for a moment. 

“I… I was actually thinking about going home tonight. My parents want to see me.” Noah nodded. 

“Yeah, okay.” He didn’t know why he was getting sad. Maybe reading all those stories off of the BipolarSOs subreddit was a bad idea. He read one too many times where someone said goodbye to their partner and they never came back to them. That they were fine and then slipped again and they… and their partner wasn’t there to stop them. 

“But I’ll come see you after semi,” James reminded him. Noah nodded again, but he’d started crying despite his best efforts. “ _내 사랑,_ why are you crying?”

“I’m being stupid,” Noah muttered. “Ignore me.” James pulled him closer, kissing away the few tears that slipped down his face. 

“I’m not going far. Fifteen minutes by bus.” 

“I know, I know,” Noah cleared his throat. “Like I said, I’m just being stupid.” 

“No, you’re not being stupid,” the older boy shook his head, running his fingers through Noah’s hair. Looking into his eyes, Noah knew he was going to say it. He should have stopped himself, but he didn’t. That seemed to be the recurring theme of his life most days: against his own best wishes. 

“I love you,” he told him. James swallowed and Noah thought he overstepped, moving too fast too soon. He wanted to take it back. It’s one thing to know and it was enough to say. “I mean… I…” 

“I love you too,” James replied. Noah wrapped his arms around his neck, pressing their foreheads together. “In every universe.” Noah laughed through the tears that hadn’t stopped yet, the chuckle one of relief and pure joy. He pressed their lips together and kissed him slowly. James held him by his hips, his thumb brushing over a patch of bare skin from where his hoodie pulled up. Noah moved his head, their noses brushing as he did. Their kiss had begun delicate and soft, the _I love you’s_ still on the tip of their tongues, but it was bound to deepen if they kept going. 

“When you first saw me at the meeting,” Noah asked, kissing his jaw. “Did you think we’d get here?”

“That wasn’t the first time I saw you,” James answered, the corner of his mouth pulling up into a small smile. 

“No?” 

“Nope,” he said again. “I saw you on the first day of school. You were with Ben walking up the front steps and you were laughing at something he said.”

“Huh,” Noah blinked. “I didn’t even see you.”

“It wasn’t time for you to see me yet,” he shrugged. “The universe works in mysterious ways. Everything happens for a reason.”

**C L I P F O U R - _Thursday December 10th, 8:11am_**

It was weird waking up to an empty side of the bed, especially after having had James next to him for almost a week. It gave him a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach but he knew he was okay. He was just at home with his parents. He didn’t have to freak out.

“Hey guys,” Noah nodded to the Brozzz who were all by Logan’s locker. The blond had his head knocked against the metal door in frustration.

“Hey, Noah,” Ben gave him a side hug, while Thomas waved. Logan looked up at him at the sound of his name.

“Oh thank god, Noah’s here,” he sighed dramatically. “Tell me, I’m fuckable right?” 

“What?” Noah laughed at the randomness of the question. “I’m not answering that!”

“Come on, bro,” Logan begged. “Just tell me. Break the news to me.”

“What is going on?” Noah asked the other two. 

“He asked Sophia to save him a dance at semi and she told him to go ask ‘the grade ten’.”

“What, why? What did I miss!?” 

“Logan gave up on Sophia-- you know, not trying so hard or whatever,” Thomas began to explain. “So he’s talking up Farah, the grade ten, and Sophia walked by and she was totally jealous.” 

“Yeah so now Logan needs a confidence boost,” Ben added. “So just answer the question because he won’t believe us when we say he’s a catch.” 

“Dude,” Noah said in disbelief. “You fucked up.” 

“I know!” Logan cried, dropping his head back against his locker. Thomas gave Noah a pointed look before motioning for him to say something. 

“Logan,” he began after being peer pressured. “You’re totally… fuckable, man. Don’t worry about it. Sophia’s missing out.” 

“Really?” he mumbled, his voice muffled by the locker. 

“Yeah, yeah,” Thomas said. “You have blond hair and blue eyes, and a surfer body-- man you’re top tier.” Logan sniffled. 

“Noah?”

“Uh huh, you’re just not my type.” 

“If you say your boyfriend’s your type I will literally throw up,” Thomas teased. Noah made a mocking face at him. 

“Hey, Noah,” a voice came from behind him. Passing the group in the hallway was Mackenzie-- in all her glory. Her deep brown curls were braided back in cornrows, her highlighter catching the shine of the lights making her skin glow with a golden sheen. 

“Hi,” he waved back to her as she turned the corner. 

“Bruh,” Logan’s jaw dropped. 

“She knows you?” Thomas sounded winded. Noah shrugged. 

“I mean, I’ve never talked to her before so I didn’t think so, but I guess she does now.”

“What? Because your gay?” Ben asked. 

“Apparently.”

Logan groaned, looking about ready to lay on the floor and die. “NOTHING MAKES SENSE IN THIS WORLD!”

**C L I P F I V E - _Friday December 11th, 7:01pm_**

He had to admit, Sophia and the girls out did themselves. The hall was decorated for the midsummer dream theme: yellow fairy lights were strung around the space, with sheer curtains, and tree branches. It looked like walking into a forest but he guessed that’s what they were going for. Electric tea lights were scattered in lace covered mason jars that Noah had burned his fingers hot gluing. 

“Wow,” Ben nodded, taking in the space. “Looks good.” 

“Yeah,” Noah agreed. On his other side, Thomas and Logan had just walked up, looking down at their stamped hands.

“Dudes this place is--” Logan’s comment trailed off as he caught sight of Sophia from across the room talking with the DJ. Under the glow of the yellow light, she looked like a fairy, in her white knee length dress and blonde braided hair, with flowers pulled through. It may have been reaching negative double digits outside but she looked like she had just stepped out of July. 

“I think you should talk to her,” Noah told him, incling his head to speak between the two of them. Logan hadn’t removed his eyes from her. 

“She doesn’t like me like that.” 

“I said talk to her, not to hit on her,” he corrected. “Have you ever done that?” Logan thought about it.

“I guess not.”

“Listen,” Noah draped his arm around his shoulder. “As the only one in the group currently in a relationship, let me tell you that you can’t just rely on good looks and catchy one-liners, no matter what Thomas says. Tell her she did a good job planning this, and then after a bit you can mention how _pretty_ she looks-- not hot, or sexy-- but beautiful. Now,” Noah patted his shoulder. “Go forth.” Logan adjusted his tie, and took off in her direction.

“What did you say to him?” Ben asked, watching their friend cross the dance floor. 

“How to properly talk to Sophia. Not like you guys and your dicks were going to get him far.”

“Hey!” Both Thomas and Ben protested. 

“I just told him to talk to her like a normal human being,” Noah rolled his eyes. “Not everything is about picking them up.” 

“Like you know anything about picking up people,” Ben snorted. 

“Excuse you,” he mocked offence. “I was super smooth with James.”

“No you weren’t, my love.” Noah jumped as James’ voice came from over his shoulder. He hadn’t seen him in two days, but it felt like forever. Texting him just wasn’t the same as seeing with his own eyes that he was okay. He needed to be able to look into his eyes and see for himself. 

“What are you doing here?” Noah finally spoke, after his shock wore off. James smiled at him, shrugging his shoulders. The action caused his deep blue dress shirt to pull around his biceps. 

“I wasn’t going to let Logan slow dance with you,” he joked, covering up his real reason. But there was a promise in his eyes that he would tell him once they were further away from prying eyes. Ben and Thomas were smiling at them, and with a quick wave, disappeared to find their table. Noah took James’ hand and led him back into the foyer of the venu, around a corner that was practically deserted. 

“I missed you,” Noah told him, stealing James’ signature line; the older boy didn’t seem to mind.

“I’ll be back at school on Monday,” he promised him. “I’m doing a lot better now that my medication dosage changed.”

“That’s good.” 

“But um…” he hesitated. Noah touched his hand to his cheek. James covered it with his own, turning his face inwards to kiss Noah’s palm. “I’m going to Quebec over the winter break.”

“Oh,” Noah exhaled. “The--the whole break?”

“Three weeks,” he confirmed. “My parents think I can use some time in nature and my aunt has a cottage up there that she’s letting us use.” 

“Nature?” Noah raised his brow, dropping his hand to hang back at his side. “You’re not a very nature-y person.”

“Yeah,” James laughed. “Not entirely, but there are no bugs in the winter so I think I’ll be okay.” 

“Well, have fun,” Noah didn’t know what else to say. “Bring me back some maple syrup.” 

“You’ll be able to buy as much maple syrup as you want when we’re up there.” Noah thought he misheard him, but James didn’t correct himself.

“What?” 

“That is, if you want to come with me, of course.” Noah blinked at him.

“You… Want me to come with you on vacation? With your family?”

“Only if you want to,” James added again. “They’ve actually been nagging me about meeting you and I thought three weeks was a long time after everything and it’s kind of self-fish because I don’t know how long I can be away from you--” Noah kissed him, stopping him from rambling on. James relaxed into it, pressing his hand to the small of the younger boy’s back to hold him close. “I’ll take that as a ‘yes’?”

“Are you sure your parents are okay with me coming?” 

“Are you sure you don’t think it’s going to be awkward?” James countered, smoothing down Noah’s black shirt mindlessly. 

“Awkward?” Noah laughed. “Babe, as long as you keep your clothes on, I think I’ll be okay.” James smiled at him, drawing him back in. 

“Does that apply for when we’re alone?” Noah blushed but didn’t answer the question, opting to just let James kiss him. “If you’re up for it,” James continued when they pulled away. “You can come by and meet my parents tomorrow?” 

“Yeah,” Noah nodded, running his thumb over James’ bottom lip. “I’d like that.”

“Good,” James smiled, wrapping his arm around his wait. “Now, we should head inside before the guys come looking for us.” Noah groaned, dropping his head onto James’ shoulder as they began to walk back to the room.

“I kind of just want to go back home.” James squeezed him tighter. 

“I can stay the night if you want?” Noah looked up at him. 

“Yeah?” 

“Then in the morning we can do breakfast with my parents?” Noah smiled. 

“Perfect.”

**C L I P S I X - _Friday December 11th, 8:32pm_**

Noah watched as James’ figure retreated out into the hall, his phone pressed against his ear on a call with his mother. The younger boy stood, leaning slightly on the table behind him, waiting for his date to return. From where he was, Noah could see the dance floor filling with students as an Ariana Grande song began to play. 

“Not dancing?” Mackenzie commented as she passed him with a group of her friends. This was the first real conversation he’d ever had with her.

“I’m just waiting for James.” The girl group awed at his response, making him shift slightly uncomfortable. “Do you have someone to dance with? I heard someone requested a slow song.” Mackenzie shrugged at his question, seemingly unbothered by who she’d dance with. 

“No one’s asked,” she told him. He raised an eyebrow.

“I think people are just intimidated by how pretty you are,” he told her. She smiled at his complement.

“I think you’re sweet, Noah but I’m not into your friend with the glasses,” she told him as kindly as she could. Noah laughed.

“Thomas? Yeah, no I get that.” She giggled at his agreement. “I actually meant Ben might want to dance with you.” She followed his finger to where he was pointing out Ben, who was currently swaying to the song. She tilted her head, as if considering him. 

“He’s kind of cute.” 

“And a hockey player,” he told her, just tossing it out there. She pressed her lips together. 

“Thanks for the heads up,” she told him, before walking off with her friends. 

“Since when do you talk to Mackenzie?” Ella popped up next to him, bumping her shoulder with his. Her brown hair had been recently cut to shoulder length, and tonight it curled around her face. Her plum coloured dress hugged her nicely-- a dress he’d never seen before. He wondered if it was new.

“Since she found out I was gay and has now started to talk to me.” They laughed at the stupidity of it all. 

“How are you and James by the way?” 

“It’s good. Really good,” he smiled to himself. “It sucks sometimes, you know? That I can’t be like this all the time but I guess that’s what makes it so special when it is. The bad times make the good times worth-- makes the good times feel fifty times better than they would otherwise.”

“Those are some wise words, Olsen,” she nodded along. 

“And Christopher?” he asked, but he noticed the slight strain of her shoulders when he did. 

“We’ve been on and off for a bit now. We’re off at the moment.” He gave her a sympathetic look.

“You okay?” She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. 

“Yeah,” she lied. “I’m good. A bit pissed because you and I haven’t really seen much of each other this semester.” 

“Feels like forever since we’ve talked,” he agreed. “You know… I’m really sorry for all that shit that happened last year. I was a fucking asshole.” 

“Thanks,” she looked up at the ceiling for a bit. “But I get it you know? You were going through shit--and although it’s no excuse-- I get it.” 

“I heard you’ve started talking to Ben again. What’s that all about?” She punched his arm.

“Nothing,” she assured him. “We just got talking one day by accident. We haven’t really talked after that but… it was nice. We may not be together anymore, but I did miss him.” 

“I can see that. You spend so much time with one person that they practically become a part of you. You’re bound to miss him.”

“Damn, love did really turn you into some wise old man, huh?” He rolled his eyes at her observation. As they spoke, the pop song had come to an end; Ariana’s voice fading out as a slow song began. 

“Lewis Capaldi,” Ella hummed approvingly. “Current. I was afraid this DJ would be playing some Coldplay or something.” Noah chuckled at her comment.

“Shut your mouth. Fix You is a classic,” he told her. “Aren’t you going to go dance?” Ella eyed the crowd. If she was scanning for a particular face.

“I don’t know..." Following her gaze, his eyes landed on Ben and Mackenzie as they began to slow dance. She had her head leaned forward in a laugh, Ben no doubt sporting a smile on his face. Noah looked between his best friend and Ella, trying to figure out if he'd made a mistake in setting Ben up with Mackenzie. Did Ella still have feelings for him? Ben certainly felt something for her; the girl's name coming up in at least one conversation a week since their break up. But then again, Ben looked happy with the ballerina under the fairy lights. "I'm going to see if Arwa needs a dance partner." With that, the brunette left before Noah could say anything else. He frowned as he watched her walk away, her shoulders slumped. 

"Hey," James' voice pulled him back to reality. Noah's smile quickly returned at the sight of his boyfriend. 

“Romeo,” Noah greeted. “How’s your mom?” James put his phone into his pocket, taking up the spot in front of him, blocking Noah’s view of the dance floor. But he didn’t mind, this view was even better. 

“She’s excited for tomorrow,” he replied. “She can finally stop nagging me about introducing you to them.” Noah stood straight, offering his hand to his boyfriend. 

“As much as I’d like to talk about your parents, I think you promised me a dance. Or else I’m going to find Logan.” James accepted his hand, entwining their fingers together. 

“Sorry to break it to you, baby, but I think Logan’s already found his dance partner.” James nodded his head towards the edge of the dance floor, to where Logan and Sophia were dancing. Noah smiled at them before tugging James towards the crowd.

Draping his arms over the taller boy’s shoulders, James wrapped his arms around Noah. 

“You know,” Noah said, looking into James’ green eyes. The same green eyes that had caught him off guard that second Friday in October. The same green eyes that he’d stared into at the Halloween party, under the lights of a cheap disco ball. The same green eyes that had dared him to face his fear. The same green eyes that had made him rethink the life he’d been living before. The same green eyes he’d looked into and said ‘I love you’; the ones he wanted to see every night as he fell asleep and every morning when he woke up. He knew that they could be over tomorrow. That nothing was certain in this life. But Noah knew that he’d never regret loving James Min, no matter how they’d end. He’d never regret loving a boy who brought him adventure to his boring life filled with lies. Living a life that was uncertain, was better than living a life that was bland and emotionless. People didn’t go on rollercoasters to feel safe. “It may be cliché but we never know what’s going to happen tomorrow. Whether you believe in Allah, or Jesus, or parallel universes, or evolution-- there’s only one thing we all know for sure. That life is now.”

  
**ALT ER LOVE ♡ EVERYTHING IS LOVE**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's over!!! Let me know if there's any interest in a JAMES SEASON! I know we've never had an Even season, but I think that James has a really interesting story arch I'd like to explore. Let me know if you'd read it! 
> 
> Thank you for all your kind comments and all your enthusiasm to this little passion project! I hoped I did my fellow Canadians proud, and I hope that non-Canadian readers learned a little something about us up here in the North!


	11. Season 3 Soundtrack

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While writing this remake, there were songs chosen for each episode that either embodied the theme, feel, or plot. So I've listed them all here with which episode they belong to! Enjoy!
> 
> All the bolded songs are Canadian!

E #

| 

EPISODE TITLE 

| 

| 

SONGS  
  
---|---|---|---  
  
1

| 

Somebody To Love

| 

| 

  * Somebody To Love (Queen)
  * Life Like This (AK)
  * **Here (Alessia Cara)**
  * Vienna (Ben Platt)

  
  
2

| 

Crazy Little Thing Called Love

| 

| 

  * Crazy Little Thing Called Love (Queen)
  * **Bungalow (Scott Helman)**
  * **Knocking At The Door (Arkells)**

  
  
3

| 

Killer Queen

| 

| 

  * Killer Queen (Queen)
  * **Complicated (Avril Lavigne)**
  * Bad Together (Dua Lipa)

  
  
4

| 

I Want To Break Free

| 

| 

  * I Want To Break Free (Queen)
  * Zombie (The Cranberries)
  * Rain (Ben Platt)

  
  
5

| 

Stone Cold Crazy

| 

| 

  * Stone Cold Crazy (Queen)
  * Luck Pusher (FINNEAS)
  * Mr. Brightside (The Killers)

  
  
6

| 

You’re My Best Friend

| 

| 

  * You're My Best Friend (Queen)
  * **Tom Sawyer (Rush)**
  * The remedy for a broken heart (XXXTENTCATION)
  * **They Don't Know About Us (Victoria Duffield ft. Cody Simpson)**

  
  
7

| 

Under Pressure

| 

| 

  * Under Pressure (Queen ft. David Bowie)
  * Dream (Imagine Dragons)
  * Hate u love u (Olivia O'Brien)
  * I Found (Amber Run)

  
  
8

| 

Don’t Stop Me Now

| 

| 

  * Don't Stop Me Now (Queen)
  * **Ain’t Easy (Elijah Woods x Jamie Fine)**
  * Santa Tell Me (Ariana Grande)
  * Location (Olivia Escuyos)

  
  
9

| 

Hammer To Fall

| 

| 

  * Hammer To Fall (Queen)
  * Happiness is a Butterfly (Lana Del Rey)
  * The Broken Hearts Club (gnash)
  * Love Story (Taylor Swift)
  * Waves (Dean Lewis)

  
  
10

| 

Good Old-Fashioned Lover Boy

| 

| 

  * Good Old-Fashioned Lover Boy (Queen)
  * Hostage (Billie Eilish)
  * I See You (MISSIO)
  * 7 Rings (Ariana Grande)
  * Someone You Loved (Lewis Capaldi)




	12. (J) Episode One: The Show Must Go On

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! I missed you all! Skam Canada is back from it's writing hiatus to bring you season 5! James is leading this season and here are the **MUST KNOW** things before you read!
> 
> 1\. I've gone back and aged up Noah in his season to being 17, turning 18 (putting him in grade 12 rather than 11)  
> 2\. James' season takes place during Arwa's season (s.4 of the original Skam) so you'll see bits and pieces of her storyline interact with James' (yes, this means we get James' pov on the Canadian Balloon Squad)  
> 3\. This storyline is 90% original and is fitted to James' character rather than Even's. This season covers his adoption, his mental health and past relationship with the Balloon Squad, his relationship with Noah and more!  
> 4\. Trigger warnings for the season: mentions of suicide (a warning will be placed at the beginning of each chapter that includes the mentions).
> 
> Now without further ado, Skam Canada Season 5: James

**C L I P O N E: _Saturday March 6th, 2:01pm_**

James didn’t know how he managed to get roped into helping Isla move her stuff across the hall when he could have been at home not lugging boxes to and from apartments. But then, he caught sight of the reason standing in the doorway. 

Noah wasn’t paying any attention to him, having gotten pulled into a conversation with Elijah about paint colours. James could see how little his boyfriend actually cared about the subject as he nodded along to what was being said. As Eli continued his argument that ‘white walls were too plain’, Noah flickered his eyes over to James casting him a pleading glance. _Help me._ James just shook his head, preferring to stand and watch from the sidelines at how the younger boy’s lips seemed to unfairly curve into the most beautiful smile, even when he was faking it; preferring to watch how his muscles moved under his shirt as he lifted one of Isla’s heavier suitcases. 

“Why did I invite you if all you’re going to do is sit around and stare at Noah?” Isla commented, taking up the spot next to James. Noah had just left through the front door with Elijah at his heels, still in the midst of his rant.

“You knew I wasn’t going to help,” James countered. Isla went to argue but realized she couldn’t debate the truth. Rather, she just pulled her red curls out of her face and into a quick ponytail before reaching for one of the last boxes.

“Fine,” she rolled her eyes. “But at least put those English major skills to use and read that instruction manual.” She nodded her head to an IKEA box near the sliding balcony door. James accepted the task as it included no physical labour, and plucked the booklet off of the-- dresser? Makeup table?-- assembly kit. 

Even in English the instructions seemed like pure gibberish, although he thought he might be able to understand pure gibberish better. 

“If you stare at that hard enough it might explode,” a voice said from behind him. Casting a glance over his shoulder, he gave Arwa a grin. 

“Maybe if it does, Isla won’t expect me to build it for her.” She gave an airy chuckle to the joke as she stuffed her hands into her jacket pockets. 

“Speaking of-- where are the girls?”

“At the new place,” he told her with a nod towards the front door. Arwa looked at him, studying him closely as if she were trying to read his mind. They’d only ever spoke in passing, generally when Noah was involved; this was the longest they’d been together alone. 

“How are you?” she asked, making small talk.

“Good. You?” 

“Yeah, good… you know,” she began. “You can always--”

“Oh, hey, Arwa,” Noah said walking into the living room and noticing her presence. “Girl, you still have a chance to escape. They’re starting to unpack clothes now.” Arwa made a face that ultimately melted into a content expression.

“Guess I’ll get my folding skills on,” she told him, before heading for Isla’s new apartment. Noah stretched, raising his arms above his head. His shirt lifted as he did and James raked his eyes over his bare abdomen.

“You know, you should always lift with your knees and never your back,” James told him, raising his gaze back up. Noah raised a brow, dropping his hands down to his side. 

“How would you know?” Noah teased. “You haven’t lifted a single thing.” James held up the manual.

“Because I’m reading.” Noah walked over to him, plucking the instructions from his hand. He flipped through it for a moment before dropping it onto the nearby coffee table. 

“Doesn’t seem like your style,” he noted before wrapping his arms around James’ neck. Instinctively, the older boy held him by the waist. 

“You’re right, it was extremely boring.”

Noah hummed at his answer, his lips twitching into a slight smirk. James tipped his head down to kiss it away, much to the other boy’s approval. He’d alway been flattered by the way Noah would melt in his hands from the simplest touch. It never failed to make his heart race. Noah had asked him once if he’d ever thought that this was where they’d be, and although that question had been posed back in December, his answer was still the same. He’d never thought someone like Noah would love him-- all of him. In spite of the hell James had put him through, and the hell he will put him through, Noah was still standing here. _How could he have ever predicted a love like Noah’s?_

“Boys this is a living room,” Elijah tisked half heartedly as he walked in. James chuckled at Noah’s blush, which had begun to spread high on his cheeks. He pulled him into his embrace, Noah settling into the hug by burying his face into James’ chest. “There needs to be a jar for this cute crap you two pull. I’d be able to afford college without OSAP off of all the money I’d make.” Noah huffed a laugh at Eli’s comment. 

“You’re just bitter because Isla’s moving out,” Noah told him, shifting to face his roommate.

“How will I handle you without her?” Elijah proposed, crossing his arms as he tossed himself into the sofa chair. 

“No, I think the real question is how will _I_ handle _you_ without her,” Noah corrected. Elijah stuck out his tongue at him, before returning to his mopping state. 

“Is he going to be okay?” James whispered to his boyfriend. Noah waved his hand at the concern. 

“Once he realizes that he can--” Noah raised his voice, “-- _literally open the door and shout for her_ \--” he returned back to his normal volume, “He’ll be okay. He’s just being dramatic.”

“Dramatic!” he huffed in offence. “I’m dramatic?” Noah rolled his eyes, grabbing James’ hand and beginning to lead him toward his bedroom. 

“We’ll leave you to mope without an audience,” Noah announced as James bit back his laugh. 

As the door closed behind them, Noah walked over to his bed and collapsed onto it with a groan. He laid parallel to the backboard, his feet dangling off the floor slightly. 

“I just want to sleep!” he complained, throwing an arm over his face. James shook his head at the dramatics, before going to lay next to him. 

“Then go to bed, you big baby,” James teased him. Noah peaked around his arm to see James. 

“But you have to leave soon. I want to spend time with you, but I’m also tired.”

“A true dilemma,” James agreed. “I have like an hour and half before I’ve got to catch the bus. I could go for a power nap.” Noah blinked at him, a sweet smile breaking across his face that made James’ heart beat faster. 

“I love you,” he whispered, pressing his face into the crook of the older boy’s neck. James ran his hand through his hair, feeling the soft brown curls between his fingers. 

“Me too.” Noah kissed him right below the ear.

“I wish you didn’t have to leave yet,” Noah muttered. “You should move in.” 

“What?” James asked, unsure if he heard him properly. Noah yawned, his lips brushing James’ skin as he did.

“Move in. Here. With me. Then you’ll never have to leave.” 

“Are you being serious? Or is this sleepy Noah without a filter?” Noah huffed a small laugh. 

“We’d have to talk to Eli and Lynn, but yeah. I’m being serious. Maybe not right away because you need to get used to uni before anymore changes but… maybe in the summer? Could you imagine just…” he trailed off.

“What?” 

Noah shrugged against him. “Waking up everyday to each other. Now that I’ve accepted my spot at UofT in the fall, I thought that… our schedules will be all over the place, you know and...”

“I know what you’re saying,” James said softly.

“Would you want to?” Noah asked, pulling his face back so that he could see James’ reaction. “Move in with me?” 

James kissed the question away, holding him close. “Yes,” he whispered. “I’d love to.” 

**C L I P T W O: _Sunday March 7th, 9:32am_**

James followed the voices of his parents down the stairs and into the kitchen where they were seated at the white, marble island, with coffees between them. His mother--Charlotte, had a stack of papers in front of her, no doubt numerous marketing pitches which she had to sort through. Her now empty plate was pushed off to the side, making room for her elbow as she flipped over a sheet and read it. His father-- Henry, was on his phone, his glasses perched at the end of his nose as he read through his growing list of unread emails. His brown hair was peppered with gray throughout, and as he pushed it back with his glasses, the grays of his roots were more noticeable.

“Morning,” James made his presence known, crossing into the kitchen. He walked barefoot on floors, the cool tiles making his toes curl as he did. His mother smiled at him, as she watched him grab a mug from the cabinet. 

“How’d you sleep, Jamie?” she asked, picking through her papers again. He shrugged as he moved to the stove to set a kettle to boil. 

“Fine,” he answered, turning on the burner.

“Are you going to see Dr. Weston today?” his father asked, sipping his coffee. 

“I actually moved the appointment to Wednesday after my lecture,” he told him, leaning his back on the countertop. “I have a test tomorrow so I wanted a chance to study.” 

“Good,” he agreed with his son.

“Have you decided if you’re coming to Amanda’s birthday dinner party? Next Friday?”

“Uh,” he thought about it, scratching his eyebrow. “Is Linda going to be there?” 

“Well it’s her daughter’s birthday so I’m going to take a guess and say yes.”

“That’ll be a no from me then.” 

“Why can’t you two ever be civil,” his mother sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose.

“When she stops tagging me in Trump's tweets about North Korea, then we can be civil.” Henry snorted into his coffee as his wife sent him a pointed look.

“Oh, come on Lottie,” his dad defended his reaction. “Your sister’s a tad bit racist.” 

“She still thinks I’m becoming a doctor,” James thought back to the last encounter he had with his aunt at Amanda’s wedding in January. His dad held back his next laugh, afraid that Charlotte might smack him. “I didn’t even have the heart to tell her that I’m shit at math too.”

“James,” his father added. “You forgot what she said when she met Noah.” 

“Ugh” James groaned. “‘ _You’re not like all the other gay people.’_ What does that even mean? _”_

“Look,” his mother sighed, a humourless smile pulling at her lips. “I never said Linda was… progressive. But you still have to be the bigger person, Jamie. You don’t have to come, but it would be nice of you at least messaged Amanda.” 

“Sure,” James said, as he moved to turn off the stove. “I can do that.” 

“Did your friend get settled yesterday?” Henry remembered to ask. 

“Yeah, Isla’s all moved out,” he told them, pouring water into his mug of ginger tea. “Speaking of um… could I ask you two something?” They both furrowed their brows as he posed the question.

“What is it James?” Charlotte prompted, motioning for him to sit in front of them. He did, pulling up the stool to take a seat. 

“Now that I’ve started at Ryerson,” he began as their eyes watched him carefully. “I was thinking about moving out.”

“Moving out?” his mother repeated slowly. “Why?”

“I just think it’s something I need to do eventually, so why not do it now. Well, not like tomorrow but like in the summer or early fall.” Charlotte looked to Henry in search for something-- either support or a sign that he agreed with their son. Henry’s facial expression hadn’t changed much throughout the conversation; seriousness seeped in the lines of his features. 

“Do you think you’d be able to afford this market?” he asked, genuinely. “You’ll be paying two thousand, three thousand easy on an apartment in the GTA.” 

“Your father’s right, it’s extremely expensive to live on your own.” 

“I wouldn’t be on my own though,” James began. “I was actually thinking about… moving in with Noah and his roommates.” 

“Ah,” his mother vocalized with a distant tone. “Noah’s a lovely boy. Very sweet and responsible, and you’ve… been together for…?”

“Five months.” 

“Five that’s right,” she tasted the number in her mouth before taking another sip of coffee. “Henry?”

“I think your mother just wants to make sure that you’re really serious about Noah before you decide to move in together. That’s a pretty big step.” 

“I’m serious,” James said firmly. 

“And you think this is a… good idea after everything that happened in the summer?” his mother asked carefully, treading on a sore subject. James pressed his lips into a tight, thin line. 

“You can’t baby me forever,” he warned her. “It happened, let’s move on. I’m ready too.”

“But we can’t just forget it happened, James,” she bit back.

“Okay,” his father interrupted the debate before it could escalate. “Let’s make a deal. We’ll talk about this again around May, okay? And we’ll see where things are.” It was an easy way of letting him down slowly by giving him false hope. It was like telling a child to pick either brushing their teeth first or taking a bath-- either way they’d still have to do both, but they’d think they had a choice. James was being tricked into thinking there was a possibility of getting a ‘yes’. He loved his parents and he got their concerns, he did, but they couldn’t just keep him in a bubble forever. And although they didn’t have any legal jurisdiction over him since he’d turned eighteen, he still wanted their permission. So he’d play along.

“Okay,” he smiled, bringing the mug of tea to his lips. “Deal.”

**C L I P T H R E E: _Wednesday March 10th, 4:45 pm_**

If there was one thing James could count on being a constant, it was the look of his therapist’s office. Despite the location change, the room looked as if it had been copied and pasted into the new space. The same grey sofa that he’d been sitting on for four years now hadn’t changed and neither did the matching grey chair that was angled towards its larger counterpart. The rug between the furniture had also been salvaged in the move; the same white, fuzzy carpet had been at his feet for years. The lamp and its side table were new, but they weren’t drastically different from the brown wooden table and the white shaded light they were before. The teal blue curtains still matched the throw cushions, and the plant that James would have bet was fake was still alive and well in the corner by the window. 

“How have you been, James?” his doctor asked him as she studied his face with purpose. She too hadn’t changed. 

“Fine.”

“Anything new to report?” He shrugged at the question, sinking back into the comfortable couch. 

“No. I’ve been on my medication and I’ve been feeling fine.” 

“Do you worry about when you’ll have another episode?” She asked him everytime he came and he always gave her the same response. 

“Yup.” 

“Yes?” She alway repeated in order to double check. Sometimes he wanted to roll his eyes with her arbitrary, repetitive line of questioning. 

“Wouldn’t you?” 

She gave him a polite smile as she crossed her legs. Her notepad had changed, he noticed. It wasn’t the usual choice of her black ringed book, but instead one without rings. 

“I suppose. Tell me what you did this week.” 

“I went to school.” 

“And how are your courses going?” He shrugged again.

“Fine. I had a test on Monday for philosophy. I think I did well.”

“Did you do anything fun?” 

“If you count helping someone move ‘fun’, then yeah. I guess.” She scribbled something down on the paper, her pen making a soothing scratching sound as it moved across the page.

“Who’d you help?”

“Noah’s roommate. She moved across the hall so at least there were no stairs involved.”

“How is Noah?” Sometimes he wondered if she remembered on her own, or if she had to refer back to her notes every week to remind herself about who he was. After four years, he assumed she just remembered most things but then again, she must have a lot of patients.

“He’s good. He’s on break this week.” 

“Oh yes, he’s in grade twelve, right?” Maybe she did just remember. He nodded. 

“Yeah,” he smiled. “It sucks our breaks don’t align but I see him often enough.” She narrowed her eyes at his phrasing for a split second before returning to her neutral expression of placid contentment. The shift occurred so quickly he thought it had been a trick of the light. 

“That sounds like you’re trying to convince yourself. Do you not see him as often as you’d like?” 

“I…” he thought about it. “I mean, it’s not like it was back in December. Ryerson had deterred my start semester to winter so that I could get my credits from high school finished in the fall. Now that I’ve started, it’s been a bit of a shift. We saw each other everyday before I started university but now we don’t.” 

“When do you see him?” 

“On the weekends for a few hours. Sometimes once throughout the week.” She hummed at his answer, before closing her book and settling it in her lap.

“That’s not enough is it?” She sounded as if she already knew the answer. 

“No,” he agreed. “But there’s nothing we can do about it.”

“I think you already have a solution, you’re just not telling me about it.” He hated how well she knew him. Sometimes it was like having another mother who could read him like an open book. Her brown eyes peered at him as the observation hung in the air waiting for his input. 

“We want to move in together, but my parents think it’s a bad idea.” 

“Because you’ve known him for five months.” Yup, she definitely had a file in her brain labeled _James Min._ It kind of made him like her even more. 

“I guess they don’t think I’m serious about him.” 

“That must make you frustrated,” she nodded with him sympathetically. “How long were you with Jessica?” 

“Like four years.” 

“And that didn’t work out.”

“No,” he came a self-deprecating laugh at the fact. 

“The duration of time we share with a person does not equivocate the durability of our relationship. There are couples who’ve married after a month of dating who have been together for years. Others have dated for ten years and divorced after a year of marriage.” 

“Why are you telling me this?” 

“So that you don’t doubt yourself,” she told him with the tap of her pen. “What else is stopping you from moving?

“My mom is worried that I’ll have a repeat of last summer.” 

“I see,” she said with a shift in tone: it turned slightly more serious. “That’s a valid concern. And you don’t think you will?”

“I think I’m much better now-- I know I’m much better now.”

“Have you told her that?” she inquired, peering at him. He shook his head. “Having a conversation about what happened and how you’ve changed, might allow her to see the benefits of independence a bit more.”

“You’ve met my mother,” he said drily. “Do you think it will?”

“You never know, James, it just might.” 

**C L I P F O U R: _Friday March 12th, 11:45 pm_**

> NOAH 💘💘
> 
> Tomorrow?
> 
> ME
> 
> Yes
> 
> ME
> 
> I know it’s been like a week
> 
> NOAH 💘💘
> 
> SIX. FUCKING. DAYS. JAMES.
> 
> ME
> 
> If you’re trying to get me to sneak out my window… it might work
> 
> NOAH 💘💘
> 
> Wherefore art thou Romeo? 
> 
> ME
> 
> I’m literally about to sneak out for you. Why do you try and get me grounded?
> 
> NOAH 💘💘
> 
> I miss you
> 
> ME
> 
> Fine 

James knew that he couldn’t scale out his window if he wanted to be in one piece by the end of it, so his only chance was to go through the front door. Grabbing his jean jacket, he stealthily made his way out his room, quietly closing his door in the process. He took a step down the dark hallway, the floorboard creaking under his weight. Wincing, he listened for any sign of his parents waking up. Their bedroom door was closed with no light shining through, so James let himself breath again. 

Making his way slowly down the stairs, he reached the bottom after what felt like seven years. As he reached for his keys off the hallway table he froze, hearing the whispers of his mother’s voice. His arm dropped down to his side as he realized that around the corner, the kitchen light was on: it was dimmed to the darkest setting. He could hear his father’s voice next in a hushed whisper as they seemed to be arguing. Straining his ears, he took a few risky steps closer to the kitchen. 

“We have to tell him at some point, Lottie,” Henry argued in a low voice. 

“No,” she retaliated. “What happens if it’s true-- what happens if it’s not? We can’t. We don’t tell him.”

“Charlotte, that’s crazy talk.” James flinched at the term.

“Henry,” she said sternly, and he could imagine her staring daggers at him.

“Sorry, sorry, it slipped,” he sighed. “But you’re being unreasonable. Just… we can tell him tomorrow.”

“No, no, no,” she muttered. “I can’t lose my baby. Henry, he's _my_ baby. Mine. I almost lost him once and now this? What if he leaves us?” His mother’s voice trailed off and for a moment James thought he could hear her crying softly. She never cried. At least not in front of him. Pressing his lips together he hesitated before letting his feet carry him back up the stairs and into his room. 

> ME
> 
> Sorry I can’t come. I tried
> 
> NOAH 💘💘
> 
> Don’t worry about it
> 
> ME
> 
> I’ll see you tomorrow tho ❤️
> 
> NOAH 💘💘
> 
> ❤️

James laid his jacket on the back of his desk chair before flopping onto his bed, staring up at the white ceiling. His eyes stuck there for a minute before tracing down the wall until it landed on his chalkboard. 

_Minute by minute_

Noah’s handwriting was scrawled across the surface, as a reminder of their mantra. He smiled at it. It was printed neatly although the bottom of the ‘y’ curved into a loop like cursive. His letters were soft and rounded, and perfectly spaced. James remembered the day his boyfriend had written it. It was back in December and the younger boy had just met Charlotte and Henry for the first time. They’d stolen into James’ room for a moment to get away from the questions and the awkwardness. Noah had noted that this was the second time he’d ever been up, first only to that fateful day where they had hung out back in October. Noah had run his finger along the chalkboard, saying how much he’d wanted to write nonsense on it the first time he saw it. James had reached into his desk drawer and handed him a box of chalk, and told him to do whatever he wanted.

Now, everyday he looked at it.

He didn’t know how long he’d been staring off into space for, but when a light knock hit against his door he was pulled back to reality. The hinges squeaked slightly as his mother poked her head in. He half expected to see a tear stained face, with red eyes and a flushed complexion but as she smiled at him, she looked perfectly fine. Not a blonde hair out of place. 

“Goodnight, Jamie.” 

He returned her smile. “Night, mom.” 

She took one last look at him, which at any other point would have been trivial but now felt significant. She bit her cheek before ducking out of the room, and shutting the door behind her. He frowned as her footsteps retreated across the hall. Questions began to flood his mind as the sound of her slippers disappeared behind the shut of another door. 

  
_What was she keeping from him?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CANADIAN INDEX (in order of appearance):
> 
> OSAP: "Ontario Student Assistance Program" in which post-secondary students can apply for financial assistance (bursaries or loans) from the provincial government if they qualify for it. 
> 
> Uni Acceptances: In Ontario, grade 12s apply for university/college in November and can be offered an acceptance as early as December (the average acceptance comes in February). For more competitive programs such as Health or Life Science at McMaster U, students can be waiting to hear their results as late as May. Most institutions require you to select an offer by the end of June but you can accept an offer as soon as you hear back from your top choice.
> 
> Rent: Lord, you can't afford a shoe box in the GTA. One bedroom apartments are like $1500-$2500 (our minimum wage is $14). Our housing market is absurd! Elijah's grandmother left him the apartment which means it's rent controlled and that is the only way a none-rich person can comfortably afford anything in Toronto.
> 
> March Break: a week long break that Ontario students from kindergarten to grade 12 get in March
> 
> Reading Week: a week long break that post-secondary students get. Ryerson U has theirs in February


	13. (J) Episode Two: Seven Seas of Rhye

**C L I P O N E: _Saturday March 13th, 2:01pm_**

Noah was laying on James’ chest, his phone buzzing in his hands every few minutes. His boyfriend kept swiping away the notifications with a developing annoyance as each new one came in. Meanwhile, James was reading a book for his class tomorrow, trying to decipher the odd English the author was using, which seemed to be a mix of out of date slang and poorly translated, complex ideas. As Noah’s phone buzzed again, James let his attention get pulled to the screen in time to catch the sender’s name: _Mom_

“Is she alright?” James asked Noah, running a hand along his side in a gesture of support. Noah clicked on the newest notification, opening up their messages. He scrolled through the string of mass texts from here that were a mix of biblical verses and prayers in large block texts. They seemed headache inducing. 

“She’s fine,” he told him, exiting out of the app. “I mean, she’s nothing out of the ordinary.”

“That seems like a lot though.”

“Yeah,” he shrugged. “I’m going to go see her now that I’m on break. Do you want to come?” Noah always asked him, saying it was out of politeness, even though James gave the same answer each time.

“You know I’d love to but…”

“Just thought I’d ask.” Noah placed a kiss on his chest. “I never want you to come if it bothers you.”

“Tell her I say hi.” James felt bad that he’s never met Natalie in person before, but he didn’t like going to the hospital. It made him think too much of a time he’d rather forget. He would remember everything all at once and then he’d get a sick feeling in his stomach and then everything became too much: it all seemed too loud or too quiet or too clean or too busy--

“Hey.” Noah had shifted and he hadn’t noticed. He was hovering over him slightly, looking down on him with a concerned expression. He placed a light touch to James’ cheek, brushing his thumb over his skin. 

“I’m okay,” he told him. His boyfriend nodded at the reply, but his hand lingered a bit longer before he pulled away and returned to cuddling up against him. 

“Ben’s birthday’s coming up and so is Ella’s at the end of April,” Noah mused, changing the subject much to his appreciation.

“So are we going to lock them in a room together or what?” James asked, trying to return to a humorous state of mind. “It’s getting unbearable for me to be near them.” 

“You?” Noah huffed in disbelief. “I have to be with them at school every single day. The tension is crushing me like bricks, I swear. They just need to fuck and get it over with.”

“Has he not asked her out yet?”

“No,” Noah rolled his eyes. “He broke things off with Mackenzie in January but he’s still tip toeing around Ella. Straight people.” James snorted the last part, and Noah gave him an amused grin before returning to his mindless scrolling. 

Looking down at him, James smiled to himself, a look of love that wasn’t meant to be seen by anyone. Sometimes he found himself mesmerized by Noah, but not because he’d done anything to warrant it. In fact, many times he’d been doing nothing-- like right now. His infatuation with him wasn’t based in lust, but rather with curiosity. James wanted to memorize him; understand every little part of him, so that he could recreate him behind his eyelids with every imperfection and scar. 

“Where’d you get that?” James asked, running his finger over a tiny white line that ran across the bottom of Noah’s left palm.

“Um…” he thought about it. “That one was in grade eight. Ben dared me to do a boardslide on this rail at school and my ollie wasn’t high enough so I ended up catching the board on the end of the handrail and I was already leaned too far forward so I took a dive onto the pavement. Cut up both my hands but this is the only souvenir of that disaster.” 

“I only understood eighty percent of what you just said.” Noah laughed.

“I ate dirt, that’s about it,” he simplified. “Don’t worry, because your exams are over in April and I’ll take you out to the skatepark with the guys.”

“Please no. I’ll sit and watch with Sophia cheerleading but I will not step foot on that moving deathtrap.”

“What happened to your adventurous side? You’re the one always wanting to go do shit like the CN Tower walk-- so you’ll hang suspended, dangling over the busiest part of town from our tallest building, but you won’t step on a skateboard?”

“I feel like you’re judging me and it’s not appreciated.”

“Oh, I’m judging you BIG time.” James pinched his side making him squirm under his touch as he tried to break away. Noah gave a yelp as James’ book was discarded onto the floor so he could get the upper hand. They tussled for a bit, until they were breathless with laughter, Noah having managed to pin James down at the very last second. Noah blew a piece of hair from out of his eyes, his hands preoccupied with holding James’ wrists against the pillow. 

“Promise?” he asked, making sure James wouldn’t tickle him anymore. Reluctantly the older boy gave in, and Noah let him go. In the moment of peacefulness, James listened as their breaths calmed.

“사랑해,” he told him, looking up at the younger boy. Noah swooped down to steal a kiss before rolling off of him. 

“I love you too, Romeo.” 

**C L I P T W O: _Monday March 15th, 10:11am_**

The existential. _Existentialism_. His Existentialism, Art and Culture course wanted to make him scream into the void of nothingness these writers were talking about. Dostoyevsky, Camus, Kirkegaard, they all wanted to make him throw the towel in. He had his own wave of existential thoughts every now and again, and he really didn’t want to have to read about other people’s.

 _The_ _absurd_ \--was written in cursive along the chalkboard of the lecture room as ninety-nine other university students stared at it with the same, emotionless expression. 

“Does anyone know what Camus is talking about when he writes about _the absurd?_ ” his professor asked as she paced the front of the room with her hands behind her back. She stopped near the middle of the space, looking out to them all, expecting an answer. The thing about philosophy was that people were scared to be wrong. They were always scared that their interpretation would differ from the teacher’s.

“I don’t know, but I think this class is absurd,” Kassi, the nursing student next to him, muttered. He liked Kassi, they always said what James was thinking but never had the nerve to say aloud. 

“Anyone?” his teacher posed again, before pressing her lips together in disappointment. Then someone’s hand went up.

“Camus is saying that to live an absurd life, you have to realize that there is no ultimate meaning to our existence. There is no heaven or end goal: that we just serve as cogs in a machine and that the mechanics of our life proves our absurdity… I think.” Another hand shot up. That was another thing about philosophy, everyone had their own opinion which meant the debater in each student came out. 

“In the Myth of Sisyphus, he discusses the very Greek myth and says that we all live like Sisyphus: i.e, rolling a boulder up a hill only for it to roll back down with no purpose. The boulder will never reach the top, but Sisyphys keeps pushing it everyday. Just as we keep working and living everyday. But the thing that makes us human is that we _hope_ like Sisyphus that one day that boulder will stay up there. We all hope that at the end of our life there is heaven. But also like Sisyphus that hope is false, because like I said, the boulder will never reach the top. So Camus is saying that we need to stop working for the end goal, and to start living in the moment or else we will be trapped in a mechanical cycle for an end goal that is non-existent.”

_Minute by minute._ He smiled. 

“Did you just smile at Camus?” Kassi inclined their head to whisper. James casted them a look of confusion.

“Huh? Oh, no I was thinking about something else.” His friend gave him an odd look but didn’t press him further. 

**C L I P T H R E E: _Wednesday March 16th, 5:15 pm_**

James had ultimately forgotten about the conversation he had overheard last Friday, having had to make room in his brain for his courses. Academic Reading and Writing was starting to drive him up a wall and so was his Literature Across Borders class. He’d thought he’d have more time in university for a social life, one that included seeing his boyfriend more than two times a week, but that didn’t seem to be the case. 

Shutting the lid of his laptop, he tossed it onto the comforter, rubbing at his eyes. At this rate if he spent any more time on a computer, he’d need glasses. Although he hadn’t been called for dinner yet, he went to the kitchen anyway in search of something to distract him. Normally, he’d find his father cooking and his mother hovering near him for company. He luckily got his cooking skills from Henry, or else he didn’t know how he and Noah would survive if they ever did live on their own _._ Noah could boil water and pour some milk and that seemed to be about the only two things he could do. James found it endearing whenever he tried to bake with Elijah; the older boy frantically trying to put out the (literal) fires along the way.

But today when he approached the division between the living room and the kitchen, he could see his parents sitting at the island again, their heads tilted in conversation. That’s when James remembered what happened last week. From where he was, he couldn’t make out anything remotely understandable but he didn’t have a chance to observe much longer because his mother caught sight of him. Charlotte pushed her shoulders back, a plastic smile pulling onto her feature with a lightning speed that was like whiplash. Whatever conversation they were having, it was most definitely about him. 

“Jamie,” she cleared her throat, trying best to disguise any remnants of sadness or frustration in her voice. “We were just going to ask you what you wanted for dinner. I was thinking Greek or maybe Italian?”

Parents are an enigma to their children. Sometimes their child forgets entirely that they’re human too. Most adults tend not to cry in front of kids, most opting to do so behind a locked door at night. James couldn’t remember if he’d ever seen Charlotte cry. He’d only been with her since he was five, just about where his memories began, and even then, he didn’t remember much. But he could see behind her forced expression of tranquility, that there was something storming behind her iris, fading them into a brown-grey hue that made him feel guilty. Had he done something?

“Whatever you want mom,” he told her, trying to watch her carefully without her noticing. “I don’t really care.” 

“Greek then,” she decided, sliding off of the stool. “I have to just make a quick call to Justin at the office, would you place the order, Henry?” She didn’t wait for a response; she just left the room, her footsteps retreating up the stairs. After a moment of silence, James heard the bedroom door shut. 

“Chicken or lamb?” his father asked him, reaching for the landline. James frowned at the change in conversation.

“Chicken,” he replied, studying his father oddly. “Is something wrong with mom?” 

“Why would you think that?” Henry questioned, looking at the takeout menu that had been adorning their fridge for years now. 

“Is it me?” His father turned over his shoulder to look at James, who was still standing at the threshold of the room, his hands in his pockets. 

“You’ve done nothing wrong, James,” he told him with a firm gaze. It certainly didn’t feel like it. 

“Is it because I want to move out?” James continued not letting the subject drop. “Because I’ll only be fifteen minutes away and I’ll still come home sometimes.” 

“No,” Henry sighed, beginning to dial the number at the top of the sheet. “I mean… we’re worried about you being away from us. After all that happened, it scares us that we won’t be with you. But I actually think it’s a good idea for you to move.” 

“You do?” James sounded surprised. His father pressed the phone to his ear. 

“It’ll help, I think. Maybe what you need is some responsibility, some independence. You know, get a job, move out,” he began to list. “I just want you and Noah to know what you’re getting into, because living with someone else, especially someone you’re involved with, is harder than it looks. Does he know what happened? Is he prepared for something like that?” Before James could talk, his father held up a finger. “Yes, hello? Hi, I’d like to place an order for delivery.”

James let his gaze fall onto the ground before choosing to leave the room. He thought about going upstairs to check on his mom, thinking maybe he could get some answers as to what’s happened but he decided against it. 

Laying on the sofa, he pulled out his phone and began scrolling through Instagram needing a mindless distraction. At the top of the home page, he noticed that Elijah had posted a new story. Clicking on it he tapped through two photos from his culinary course and then watched the last post. _Family Game Night!_ was scrawled across the top of a boomerang that featured Isla and Noah wearing sticky notes on their foreheads, while Lynn looked unimpressed from her spot on the floor. 

James had always wanted a big family, or at least he always felt like the house was too empty sometimes. Before, when his parents used to go on business trips, he’d stay at his friend’s house. He always had people over, and the feeling grew on him. Being at Noah’s apartment was the same thing; a feeling of being _together_. He had asked his mother once when he was seven if he could have a little brother or sister. She had just distracted him with a colouring book and cookies, dancing around the subject until he forgot about it-- basically the same thing she was doing right now, although James doubted her actions were because she was pregnant. Charlotte had answered his questions when he was older, although not to the full extent. 

He was sixteen when they had gone up to Montreal for a conference and brought him along. His father had been busy, out at some dinner with so-and-so, and his mother suggested they go explore the city. James spoke a bit of French, his parents being bilingual but they’d never put him in classes, and Ontario schools only got you so far. They’d put him in Korean lessons instead, not that he wasn’t grateful for them. But at dinner, he’d asked her why they had decided to adopt. She told him that she couldn’t have kids but wanted them; they thought that adoption would be a good solution. She had tried to adopt again but things didn’t work out. He was never given the full story but he had his guesses based off of stories he’s read online. Sometimes biological mothers changed their minds. Sometimes children found better homes. Sometimes it was just not meant to be. That’s why his mother described him as a blessing once, because her and Henry wanted a family so badly and James was the reason they had one now. 

He was her blessing. 

**C L I P F O U R: _Friday March 18th, 6:45 pm_**

“We are going to be late!” James’ mother called for her father from the bottom of the stairs. James was lying on the sofa, Camus’ book propped up against his knees as he tried his best to understand what the French man was ranting about. 

“How many years mom? Like twenty-five and you still think dad will ever be on time?” James piped up from his spot, glancing over to her. Charlotte’s blonde hair was pulled out of her face with a clip on the back of her head. Her canary yellow blouse was tucked into her navy blue, high rise dress pants that flare at the bottom like the 70s. He thought she looked a bit like a sailor but he didn’t say anything because he didn’t have a death wish. 

“God forbid I have hope,” she told her son with a smile and a slight shake of her head. “Oh, look, Jamie. Your father has decided to grace us with his presence at last!” James pressed his lips together to hold back his laugh as he dad made his way down the stairs. 

“I’m coming, I’m coming,” he waved her teasing off. “If anything you’re going to make us late.”

“Why?”

“Because you always forget something. Do you have everything?” His mother thought about it.

“Yes, now let’s go before Linda tears a strip off of us for making them wait.” His mother pushed Henry lighty towards the door. They may have been nearing their mid forties but they sometimes reminded him of how he and Noah were. It made him smile to think this is what they could be like if they last like he thinks they will. 

“Be safe, Jamie!” Charlotte waved to him from the door. “Love you!” 

“Love you too!” 

“And no boyfriends after midnight!” his dad’s voice added in before the door shut and locked. It was cute how they thought they still hadn’t had sex. He hadn’t been allowed to sleep over at Noah’s place since his last episode, where they bent the rules for his well being. But since then, he only gets to see Noah until midnight (as if that stops them). 

**C L I P F I V E: _Friday March 18th, 8:35 pm_**

James had finished his homework for the week, having rushed all his readings so that he’d have as much time as possible to hang out with Noah. He hadn’t told the younger boy that he was coming over; wanting to catch the look of surprise on his face when he showed up. So putting his books down on his desk, James took a look at himself in the mirror. His black hair was wavy and now reached just below his ear lobe, since he hadn’t got it cut in a while. His green eyes stared back at him with a content, relaxed expression as his lips pulled up into a permanent resting smile. He looked as happy as he felt. 

He was about to head down the stairs when the house phone rang, making him pause. Not wanting to race to the kitchen, James walked into his parent’s bedroom and grabbed the second level’s telephone. 

“Hello?” he answered, resting his back on the dresser. 

“Jamie,” he mother said. “I’m coming back because I forgot Amanda’s gift.” 

“Of course you did," he laughed at her, as his father’s comment from earlier replied in his mind. "You’ve been gone for an hour and just realized that?” 

“Yes, well. Can you just grab it from my top drawer? It’s a white Pandora box with a ribbon and just chuck it into a gift bag-- whatever you find in the hallway closet. I’m sure there’s some old jewelry sized one.” Sighing at the request, he flicked on the light and begrudgingly began to search for it, pulling open the first drawer. Rummaging through the cardigans he couldn’t seem to find the box, but something else caught his eye. 

Stuffed to the back, behind a rolled up black shirt, was a crumpled envelope with his name on it. 

“Did you find it?” Pulling it free from the mess, he stared at the date that was labeled under the thin plastic shield that was fitted in the middle of the envelope. There was his name, their address and then last week’s date.

“No,” he told her slowly, as he blinked down at the _already opened_ letter. 

“Which drawer did you open?”

“Uh…” 

“It’s fine,” she exhaled. “I’m pulling up in like two minutes. I’ll figure it out.” With that she hung up and James mindlessly put the phone back on its stand. He turned the piece of mail over in his hands, noting the company logo on the back. _The Children’s Bridge._

Pulling out the paper, he flattened the wrinkles out of it, trying his best to read the ruined sheet. 

> _Min Ji-hun,_
> 
> _I am reaching out again to see if you will provide us with a DNA sample. As you are of the age of majority, you can give this freely without your guardians permission, or you can decline to participate in the search._
> 
> _As I wrote in my last letter to you, the family claiming to be your biological parents believe that you fit the description of their son, and if you are willing to provide a DNA sample, we can better assess in helping locate their biological child._
> 
> _Once again, this is completely voluntary, but we’d appreciate it if you reached out to us before March 30th, 2021._
> 
> _Thank you,_
> 
> _Anne-Marie Tarlott,_
> 
> _Representative of The Children’s Bridge Adoption Agency._

James read the letter four times. Each time he understood it less and less, until his fifth attempt was like deciphering a code for WWII. All the words were in English but none of them were making sense to him and yet _everything_ made sense. 

“Jamie!” his mother’s voice echoed up to the second floor. The front door shut and he could hear her feet clicking up the stairs and towards him, but he didn’t move. He couldn’t move: it was like he was frozen in place, the letter stretched out between both hands. “There you--” 

She stopped. She stopped talking, stopped moving, he even thought she stopped breathing. 

“This is what you’ve been hiding from me?” his voice came out cold and distant, a voice that he didn’t recognize.

“James…”

“You’ve been keeping me from my birth parents?” He finally looked at her, but she didn’t meet his eye.

“We don’t know that-- these people, might not be them. They could have just misidentified your file.” James swallowed. 

“But… they could also be them.” She hung her head, before pulling it back up with a much more composed expression.

“We didn’t want to get your hopes up--”

“So you didn’t tell me at all? Do you know how fucked up that is!?” he shouted. She didn’t react to him, but he could see something flinch behind her eyes. 

“They…”

“How long have they been trying to find me?” 

“A few months,” she crossed her arms over her chest. “We were going to tell you.”

“No you weren’t,” he shook his head, the letter shaking in his hand. “I know you weren’t.” 

“James please, let’s talk about this properly,” she tried to calm him down. 

“You have to go back to the party,” he said bitterly, passing her in the doorway. 

“Then we’ll talk about it when we get back,” she walked after him, following him as he made his way down the stairs. He grabbed for his keys, slipping his feet into his running shoes. “Where are you going?” 

“To Noah’s.” 

“James--” But he’d slammed the door before she could say anything else. 

**C L I P S I X: _Friday March 18th, 9:18 pm_**

Noah was sitting cross legged on his bed, his text book open in front of him as he leaned over it. A strand of hair fell into his face, as he reached up to brush it aside. He tapped his pen against his bottom lip in concentration as his eyes scanned the words with an intense focus. James swallowed as he watched him with a spark flaring in his chest and his mouth pulling up into a smirk. He was beautiful even when he wasn’t trying. 

“How are you so beautiful?” James confessed his thought aloud. Noah whipped his head over his shoulder to look at him, his expression softened from shock to fondness. A blush began to spread high up on his cheeks as he was forced to face the compliment-- he never took them well and James wondered if he’d ever be comfortable hearing how handsome he was? Maybe if he told him enough, eventually the uncomfortableness of the words would fade. 

As Noah took him in, his eyes shined glossy under the glow of the lamp and his full lips rested into a relaxed curve. James’ eyes fell on them, and he couldn’t stand the distance any longer.

Shutting the door, he walked across the space until his hands were pressed into the mattress and he was kissing him. Noah opened his mouth in surprise, a soft moan on the tip of his tongue. James’ knees sunk into the comforter as he leaned into him, steadily laying him onto his back. The textbook and pen were now laying discarded next to them and Noah pushed them onto the ground with a nudge of his hand; they landed with a soft thud on the rug at the foot of the bed. His body was hovering Noah’s until the younger boy hooked an arm around James’ neck and crashed their bodies together. He shuddered at the action, deepening the kiss.

Noah tasted of chocolate and fruity sweetness that he couldn’t quite place-- like a strawberry or cherry; it was intoxicating. James ran his hand down Noah’s side, his fingers brushing over a patch of bare skin from where his shirt had hitched up. He shivered under the touch, arching his back as James’ hand moved under his shirt to caress his skin.

He pulled his lips away, and began to leave a trail of kisses downwards. 

“How was your day,” he muttered against Noah’ skin as he left a kiss under his jaw. 

“Borning,” Noah exhaled, as James niped under his ear. “Yours?”

“Eventful,” he told him, moving to the base of his throat. He dragged his hand down his back, along his thigh until it was resting under his knee. Noah hummed at the vague answer, running his fingers through James’ hair, his nails scratching lightly at his scalp. James really didn’t want to talk about what happened--at least not right now. Right now he just wanted a distraction from the anger and confusion that seemed to be overshadowing the rest of his thoughts. He needed novocaine and there was no better numbing high than Noah. 

His boyfriend sensed his unwillingness to speak further on the subject, so he didn’t press. Instead, he tilted James' chin upwards, studying his wanting eyes with an equally hungry look. He pulled him back up to his lips, but before they met, Noah leveraged himself on top of James. A playful smile adorned his features as he looked down at him. 

“You think too much,” he whispered, kissing the corner of his mouth. “Minute by minute, remember?” His eyes met James’ again and it was like his mind took a snapshot.

Noah had always said that James had the more beautiful eyes of the duo-- saying that his plain brown ones weren’t a match for the other’s deep green. His boyfriend had once admitted after a few too many beers with the guys, that they were like mirrors, sometimes clear and glossy enough to show a reflection, sometimes stormy and haunting like a sea. But James still firmly believed that Noah’s were just as beautiful. From up close, they weren’t just _plain brown_ , but they had a golden sheen that laid over the rich shade; the dim light in the room made them darken, until they seemed almost black. 

Noah sat up, his knees straddling James’ hips as he took off his shirt and tossed it somewhere in the room. The older boy looked at him and wondered what he’d done to deserve someone as understanding and loving as Noah. The boy leaned back over and kissed him again, a sweeter kiss than it had been before. James traced his fingers down his bare arm.

“I missed you,” James spoke the words he always said, because it was always true. 

“Do you ever not?” Noah laughed lightly, their lips only inches away. 

“No.”

“Hmm,” Noah smiled. “We can’t have that. Are you staying the night?”

“Yes.”

“Rebellious,” his breath was warm on James’ skin as he hovered. “I like it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CANADIAN INDEX (in order of appearance)
> 
> The CN Tower: It's Toronto's most notable landmark and tallest building. They offer an "edge walk" which is when you wear a harness and walk the exposed perimeter of the circular dome that's apart of the building. The building also offers the 360 Restaurant at the top. 
> 
> The Age of Majority: 18 years old is the age of majority, however you cannot legally consume/purchase alcohol or cannabis until the age of 19
> 
> The Children's Bridge: an Ontario adoption agency that works with South Korea and many other countries


	14. (J) Episode Three: Now I'm Here

**C L I P O N E: _Saturday March 21st, 9:10am_**

James had almost forgotten what it felt like to wake up with Noah in his arms. Waking up from naps together wasn’t the same thing-- it was like having a name brand in a competition with a generic superstore knock off. The younger boy was curled up next to him, his back pressed against James’ chest. His breaths were rising and falling with a rhythm, like a wave rolling onto the shore before retreating back into the ocean. It was almost hypnotic, the calming motion threatening to lull him back into deep sleep. 

But, no matter how good it felt to be here in this bed, he knew that his parents were at home freaking out-- most definitely, freaking out.

Noah shifted in his arms, turning around in his sleep to bury his face into James’ neck. His lip pulled up at the corner ever so slightly, as Noah exhaled a puff of air against his skin. It was almost impossible to feel guilty about having left last night, especially while his boyfriend was proving all the reasons why he needed to get away. _Almost_. 

“Shh,” Noah shushed, still half asleep. “Your brain is too loud for this early in the morning.

“I wish all it took would be your cute little ‘shh’ to shut it off,” James sighed, pressing a kiss to the top of his head. “Go back to sleep.” There was a moment of stillness and then Noah yawned, moving to sit up cross legged. He looked like a disaster, and it made James’ heart melt. His hair was sticking up in all directions, there was a soft pink imprint from his pillow case on his left cheek, and his eyes were barely open. He had only put on sweatpants last night in the dark, and they seemed to be on backwards. “What are you doing?” 

“Waking up,” he said, rubbing a hand over his face. “So you can tell me what’s bothering you.”

“Nothing--” Noah gave him a pointed look, or as best as he could give one for someone barely awake. 

“Even if you tell me that all that was bothering you last night was pent up sexual frustration, I still wouldn’t believe you.” James snorted at the statement, throwing an arm over his face. Noah ran his fingers through his own hair, as he began to blink the sleep out of his eyes. “Come on, baby. What’s wrong?”

“The adoption agency thinks they found my birth parents.” The statement hung in the air, like a glass balancing on the edge of a table. He swallowed thickly as soon as the words left his mouth. He removed his arm from his face, looking over to Noah who was processing the information. “Noah?”

“I heard you,” he answered quickly, like being shocked back to the present. “So what happens now?” 

“I have to send in a DNA test to make sure… and then I guess if it’s a match… I--I don’t really know what happens. They’re probably still in South Korea so I don’t think we’d meet in person.” 

“And if it’s not?” 

“Then,” he shrugged. “Then nothing.”

“Did the orphanage ever try to find your parents?” Noah asked, curiously.

“I don’t know. I was just a baby when I was left there. The place gave me my name and they took care of me for the most part-- I don’t remember anything. I just _vaguely_ remember flashes of before I met my parents.”

“I don’t doubt you blocked the rest out,” Noah commented.

“That’s what my therapist thinks, but then again, how much do you remember from before five?” Noah thought about it, his eyes glancing off to a spot on the ground for a moment. 

“Not a whole lot.” James sat silent for a bit, his mind replaying the fight with his mom last night. “What are you thinking about?” 

“My parents hid the letter from me,” he told him, scoffing. “I can’t believe they did that.” James was unable to stay still any longer. He slipped from the covers and began to pace around the room, his energy needing to be burned off doing something. Noah sat quiet watching him, as he did, unsure of what to say. “I never thought they would do something like that to me. They’re always on my case about honesty and open communication because they read it once in some parenting book twenty years ago.”

“I think they’re trying,” Noah imputed cautiously. “You know, they probably went through a lot to have you. Now something is threatening their perfect bubble, so yeah they’re going to protect it.”

“By lying and hiding the truth from me?” James stopped to turn to him. Noah’s face was sympathetic but there was something in the lines of his face that made James question whose side he was on. 

“You do stupid things when you want to keep your family together.” Something in Noah’s voice caught him off guard; a tone that came from experience. “They’re probably thinking that you’re going to leave them for your biological parents.” 

“That is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard,” James crossed his arms. “Why would they think that?”

“I don’t know, James,” Noah sighed, scratching his nails down his arm in a comforting 

motion. “Maybe you should ask them that.”

“They’ll just lie more.”

“I think you’re making them out to be assholes when you and I both know they’re not horrible people or parents.” 

“They went through my things, they hid the chance for me to know my real parents and then they lied about it. Does that not make them horrible?” 

“You do not have horrible parents James,” Noah said, his tone lower and more warningly. “You didn’t watch as your father dropped off your mom at a mental hospital with only a suitcase and a divorce package. Or find out he had another kid with a different woman, who he’s kept on the side for years. Then watch him try and offer you ‘olive branches’ that are just as two faced as he is.” James didn’t say anything. “I’m not siding with your parents. I’m not siding with the really shitty mistake they made. I’ll always be on your side, but right now, you need to think about why you’re really angry.” Noah got up from the bed and walked over to his dresser. He pulled out various pieces of clothing and held them close to his chest. “I’m taking a shower. We’ll talk about it when I come out, okay?” James managed to give a nod before Noah left the room, shutting the door behind him. 

**C L I P T W O: _Saturday March 21st, 11:02am_**

He felt the bolt slide out of place as he turned the key in the lock, the door swinging open as he pressed down on the front handle. Letting himself in, he could feel the fog like tension still in the air where he had left it last night. Noah had come out of the shower, kissed him and told him to go talk with his parents. So that’s what he was doing right now. 

“Mom? Dad?” he called out to the shockingly quiet house. The curtains hadn’t been drawn open in the living room, leaving the atmosphere grey and dull. There wasn’t even the sound of footsteps to make the house feel alive. Right now, it was empty. There wasn’t a response to his shout, only more eerily silence that made him feel like he was stepping into a horror movie.

Kicking off his shoes, James moved further into the house, walking into the kitchen. The sliding door was unlocked, and through the glass he could see his mother sitting on steps leading down to the tiny, practically non-existent backyard. He walked outside, his socked feet stepping onto the cold, wooden deck. March was an odd month in Toronto. Sometimes it snowed, sometimes it was freezing, sometimes it was warm. Sometimes it was like today, where the wind was blowing through, chilling the air but to those brave enough to face it, it was a nice day. Charlotte didn’t need to look up to know he was there, just like he knew right away when she was walking down the hall. They knew each other’s energy and footsteps. 

She patted the spot next to her, shifting slightly so that he could join her. In her hands she had an untouched cup of tea that was steaming, the tea bag still left inside. She handed it to him. 

“Did you know I was coming home?”

“I might have heard it from someone.” James pressed his lips together. Noah having his parents in his contacts seems to have served everyone’s needs today except his own. “He just wanted to make sure you were safe. He cares.”

“Yeah, I know.” There was a long pause. The type that got harder and harder to break the longer it went on. Eventually Charlotte spoke up. 

“That’s not how I wanted you to find out. I was… thinking about telling you. I just hadn’t made up my mind yet.”

“What was there for you to think about? I’m not going to just-- move to South Korea because I know who gave birth to me.”

“I never said I was being rational, James.” 

“Why would you even think that? You’re my mom,” he shrugged. “I don’t know why it has to be so complicated.” 

“Because it just is sometimes, Jamie,” she sighed, leaning her forehead against her hand as she propped up her elbow on her knee. “Grown up things are complicated for no reason sometimes.”

“I send in my DNA, they test it, I get a ‘yes’ or ‘no’. Seems simple.” She gave a short laugh at his naivety. 

“I don’t blame you for wanting to know who you are. I wish I could tell you, Jamie. I do. I wish I knew who you were before you came here or why anyone would want to give you up. But I just can’t answer those. So I thought, if you knew definitively that you could get answers that you would go looking for them. Even if it meant going to South Korea. You’ve always been an adventurous spirit,” she added. “Then I thought you’d see-- you’d see how everyone looks like you, and you’d find all the culture I couldn’t give you. And I wouldn’t want anything more than for you to finally understand _you_ , your people, and country and culture and family. But I knew that there was a chance that you could want to stay over there. That you’d pick them over us.” How had Noah managed to get it so right? How had James managed to miss it?

“You know that’s stupid right?” he told her slowly. 

“Last summer— I thought I had lost you. I don’t know what I would have done if I lost you. You’re _my_ baby and…”

“Mom, I’m not going anywhere… except maybe fifteen minutes away.”

“Are you still on about moving in with Noah?” his mother laughed at his attempt to wedge it into the conversation. Really he had only done it to make her smile. 

“Come on,” he huffed. “You knew dad was your soulmate right away.”

“No,” she told him, her smile still there. “He likes to say that because he fell in love with me like that,” she snapped her fingers. “I took my time. I made sure I knew what I was getting myself into. Do you know every side of Noah? Does he know every side of you?” 

“Yes,” James replied firmly. 

“Then you shouldn’t have a problem,” she shrugged. “But that’s not a ‘yes’, Jamie. That’s an ‘I’ll think about it’. Don’t go packing your boxes just yet. There are many things your father and I have to talk about before we let you do anything. We don’t know what’ll happen between now and May.”

**C L I P T H R E E: _Sunday March 21th, 12:49pm_**

Dr. Weston was ever the same-- the predictability reassuring, even almost comforting figure she always was. He wondered if she did it on purpose or if she was just the kind of person who valued consistency, but then again, nothing she did seemed left to coincidence or chance. She was too type A for that. 

“So,” she began after he didn’t. There was something about therapy that he never got used to. He thought that after all his years here with her, that he’d be more comfortable with the idea of someone psychoanalysing him but he hadn’t. It still felt like he was getting his teeth pulled with every question, every inquisitive look, every scratch of her pen. He liked talking to her and he was comfortable with her, but that didn’t make the circumstances of these visits anything less than what they were: check-ins to make sure he wasn’t losing it. “How are you?” James, who was sitting comfortably on the sofa with his crossed over his chest, shrugged. 

“Fine.” 

She smiled at him, a look that seemed calculated. From the curvature of her lips, to how much her cheeks pulled up, to how relaxed her eyebrows were--everything about her seemed planned. Not fake, but carefully thought out. She must have always thought she was walking on eggshells.

“Is there something bothering you?”

“No.”

“But there was.” It wasn’t a question, it was a statement of fact; a fact that she somehow read from his expression. It was curious how she did. 

“I guess,” he reluctantly told her. “I found out some news this week.” 

“About moving in with Noah?” It was creepy how she remembered everything. 

“No--well, I mean, I guess that too, but,” he ran a hand over his face. “My adoption agency says that there’s a family trying to reconnect with their son, and they think it’s me.” Her face flickered. For a moment he caught a glimpse of her genuine reaction. 

“Really, well that’s exciting,” she replied. “How do you feel about it?” 

“Okay,” he chose after a pause. “I feel okay about it. Shouldn’t I feel more?” 

“Are you worried that you’re too lackluster about it?” He nodded. “Well, how important is it that you find your birth parents?” 

“I mean… important. I want to know who I am.”

“But you already know who you are, James,” Weston told him. “The most pinnacle parts of your developments happened with your parents. Your personality, your characteristics, your morals and values and ethics-- all of who you are, you know.” 

“But I want to know _who_ I am. Where I was born, what my actual birthday is, who my parents were, why I’m bipolar-- I want to _know._ ” 

“It seems to me like you already feel more than you let on,” she settled further into her seat. She crossed her right leg over her left, inclining more towards him. “I think you’re just bottling it up.” 

“I don’t want to get my hopes up.” 

“James,” she sighed. “Just because you don’t express something, doesn’t mean it’s not there. So not expressing or acting hopeful or excited, doesn’t mean you’re not. It just means you’re not allowing yourself to live in the moment. If you’re excited, you can show it. If you’re disappointed with the results, it won’t matter if you expressed hope-- you’ll still feel bad.” 

“What if I feel scared?” Her smile grew smaller, almost more pitiful. “I mean, not… I’m nervous but that scared kind, not the excited kind.” 

“Why are you scared?”

“I don’t know.” 

“I think you do,” she said. “But you need to look inside yourself to find out.” 

**C L I P T H R E E: _Wednesday March 24th, 1:37pm_**

“Let’s talk about the mechanical life,” his professor announced from the front of the room. She’d taken a seat on a wooden desk that had been moved in front of the chalkboard. Her legs were dangling off of the ground as her hands were clasped in her lap. She was fairly young, maybe in her late thirties, her black hair was sweeping the tops of her shoulders as she looked around the room. “The mechanical life… this idea that we are robotic in the way we live. We get up, we eat, we shower, we drive to work-- or TTC to school. We don’t even think about what we’re doing half the time because our minds are so programmed to our tasks. How many of you thought about the pen in your hand. As in, actually looked down at it and realized things about it.” No one raised their hand. “It’s because you’re just used to picking it up and writing. You’re not worried about _what_ the object is. But what if that pen was empty? That’s a diversion from your life, even just for a split second. That pen now becomes a part of your life, a part that you now contemplate.

“So think of little moments in your life-- about things that happen that make you stop and think about the insignificant. It could be a moment when you stopped walking because there was gum on your shoe. Or a moment when you were cooking but found out you ran out of salt. Now talk about it with your seat partner.” 

Kassi shifted in their seat to turn inwards. 

“I’ve never wanted to drop a course more,” they sighed. “I mean, what am I going to do with my new found knowledge about the absurd, mechanical life.”

“The absurd life and the mechanical life are different,” James corrected. They groaned. 

“I’m going to fail the exam in April. There’s no hope for me. I just need the credit,” they said to themselves in a motivational way. “Two more weeks. I can do this.” 

“I can help you study if you want,” James offered. “I mean I’m no philosophy major but I don’t think it’s possible for me to fail at this point.” 

“I’ll take it,” they smiled. “Let the Lord I don’t believe in help me out with this one.” 

**C L I P F O U R: _Thursday March 25th, 3:07pm_**

It was weird to walk the halls of his old high school. Somehow, the space felt smaller and he felt out of place even if no one batted an eye at him. The ease of which he just walked in, was also slightly concerning but he didn’t let his mind wander too much on the fact. Instead, he let the sound of the final bell ring in his ears as he made his way to Noah’s locker. 

“Dude,” he heard Logan’s voice first. “So I’m thinking-- I ask Sophia to prom with a skywriter.” James snapped his head around as he saw the Brozzz making their way down the now crowded area. They hadn’t seen him just yet, but James took the opportunity to watch Noah and his friends. Ben had his arm draped over his best friend’s shoulder as he leaned in to make a comment. Noah and the other boys laughed, although Logan’s seemed to be at the butt of the joke. “What? No good?”

“I say a flash mob is the way to go,” James suggested as they all came closer. Noah blinked at him in surprise before pulling him into a hug. 

“The honorary bro has returned!” Logan shouted, pointing at James with the excited enthusiasm of a five year old. 

“What are you doing here?” Noah asked, pulling back. 

“My last class got canceled so I thought I’d pick you up.” The boys all awed over them with big dramatic exhales, making Noah roll his eyes. “I wanted to take you somewhere really quick on the way home, though.” Noah raised his brow as he fiddled with his lock. 

“Do I get to know where?” James shook his head. “Figures.” 

“So flashmob-- Is that how you’re going to prompose to our little Noah here?” Ben asked, ruffling the younger boy’s hair. Noah swatted his hand away with a warning glare that was more amusement than seriousness. 

“Of course not,” James scoffed. 

“Good, I would say no to you if you did,” Noah chuckled, pulling out a book from his top self. “Why do people have to make a huge public big deal about it anyways?”

“So that it ends up on the promposal IG page,” Logan said as if it was obvious. “Sophia definitely wants her spot on the feed.”

“I don’t know,” Noah sighed, stuffing a book and binder into his backpack. “The whole thing being in front of the school-- I think I’ve had enough people at this school talking about me in the halls.”

“You’re definitely the kid who gets asked over a text message,” Thomas snorted.

“I’d be okay with that,” Noah smiled up at James.

“Don’t you want it to be memorable?” he asked his boyfriend as he closed his locker’s door. 

“Yeah, but I don’t need hundreds of people watching us--” he made a face at the thought. 

“Oh, man,” Ben slapped Noah’s arm with the back of his hand. “Dude we have to go get that test back from Ms. Anderson.”

“Shit,” his boyfriend muttered. “Can you wait for a sec? The class is just around the corner.” James nodded, and the two best friends ran off. Soon after, Logan and Thomas left him for their soccer team meeting. 

“What are you doing here,” Arwa asked, noticing him leaning up against the wall waiting. 

“Came to see Noah,” he shrugged.. “How are you?” She adjusted her hood over her black hijab, pulling at the string of her sweater. 

“I’m doing okay.” She paused as if debating whether to tell him something. “Sami’s back.”

“Did he like Morocco?” he asked politely.

“Loved it.” 

“Yeah, I remember him calling me at like three in the morning to proofread the essay portion of his application,” James remembered the memory that had only recently turned bitter. “I’m glad he got picked to go. I bet he had a good time, plus his family lives there.”

“Yeah,” she smiled at his recollection. He looked down at his feet for a moment, before clearing his throat.

“How’s your brother?”

“Adian is Adian,” she hummed knowingly. “Still slacking. He took that gap year he was thinking about.” James whistled. “Yeah, my dad isn’t too happy about that.” 

“Well say hi to your mom for me,” James said. “I definitely miss her cooking.” 

“You could always come by,” she offered. “Adian and the guys… I’m sure it’ll be okay--”

“Just leave it Arwa,” he brushed it off, running his fingers through his hair. Arwa studied his face carefully, deciding whether or push for answers. 

“Rafik doesn’t seem hung up on what happened.” James pressed his lips together at the sound of the name he hadn’t heard in a year. He hadn’t wanted to. 

“You…” he faltered, clearing his throat. “You didn’t tell Noah about… all that, did you?” The girl’s expression was flat, her features shadowing over for a brief flicker of a moment. 

“No,” she promised. “It’s not my place to tell.” James felt a relief wash over him, the tension falling from his shoulders. 

“Thanks,” he said, before she could walk off. “For not telling him.”

“Like I said,” she shrugged. “It’s not my past to share.” With that, James watched as she merged back into the traffic of students. He followed her figure until it rounded a corner and disappeared from his sight. 

“Ready?” Noah’s voice caught him off guard. The younger boy was stuffing a stapled bunch of papers into his backpack, zipping it up before tossing it over his shoulder. James took his hand and led them out the first level exit into the rear parking lot of the school. 

“Does this adventure come with hints?” Noah asked, as he let James guide him towards a residential street. 

“You already know what we’re doing, without actually knowing what we’re doing.” He casted a look to the side, observing the odd expression Noah was giving him. 

“Cryptic.” Noah humoured. “How was your day?”

“Calm,” he replied honestly. Nothing much had happened today. “This will be the most important thing I do today.”

“Even more mysterious,” his boyfriend joked. “Can I ask a question about what we’re doing?” James bit his bottom lip, his lip twitching into a smile. Noah always asked questions.

“But I don’t have to answer.”

“Fine. Am I directly involved in what we’re doing? Like, if I were not here, would what we’re going to do be impacted?”

“Your questions are getting more and more complex, aren’t they?” he laughed. Noah tossed him a pleased smile. “Okay, no. You’re just moral support.”

“Ah,” Noah hummed, trying to figure it out. “I see. Well that narrows it down by nothing. I still have no idea where you’re dragging me off to.”

“We’re almost there,” James alerted him. “Any final guesses?” Noah began looking around. James had brought them a street away from the school, down a residential avenue that had a few cars parked on the road in front of townhouses. There were no shops nearby, or restaurants, or parks. This street was as boring as they came. Noah’s brows furrowed as he came to a conclusion: there was nothing special here. 

“You’ve got me this time, Romeo,” he shrugged. “Where are we?”

“I don’t know,” James replied. “I think the street is called… Marigold? Honestly, I can’t remember, but _where_ we are doesn’t matter.”

“No?”

“Nope,” James repeated, slowing their pace. Soon he brought them to a full stop. “This is what matters.” They were standing in front of a red mailbox that had _Canada Post_ written across the metal. 

“A mailbox?” James reached into his back pocket and returned with a small, yellow, padded envelope. There was a white label he’d stuck on the front of it and as Noah read it, understanding settled over his features. “Oh,” he sighed, dragging out the realization. He looked up at James, an encouraging, prideful gaze in his eyes. “Well? Aren’t you going to mail it?” James gave a light laugh, before turning to face the postbox. He took a deep breath and then slipped the envelope through the slot. He’d never experienced a moment of both genuine relief and heightened stress more than when his DNA sample left his hands and dropped into the hundreds of letters down below. 

“Now I wait,” James breathed, his eyes still on the mailbox. He felt Noah place a hand on his neck, his thumb brushing across James’ jaw. He turned to meet his gaze. “I’m okay.”

“I know you are,” his boyfriend told him sweetly. “You’re strong.” 

**C L I P F I V E: _Friday March 26th, 2:00am_**

James laid in bed unable to fall asleep. 

Reaching for his phone, he unplugged it. The worst thing you could do when trying to sleep, was turning on a blue light, but James knew he wasn’t going to get much sleep anyway. A few minutes on Instagram wasn’t going to do much about that.

As he scrolled down his home page, he stumbled upon Sami’s latest post from yesterday: a group photo of him and other people cleaning up a beach in Morocco. The water was beautifully blue behind them, as he and he friends stood surrounded by blue garbage bags with proud expressions on their face. 

The caption read: _Missing_ _this crew already!_

It was a nice post but that wasn’t what caught James’ attention. Under the caption, his eyes passed over a comment. 

_Good to have you home brother_ 🙏🏻 

Rafik's Instagram handle stared at him with a mocking look-- just begging him to spiral down memories like Alice falling down the rabbit hole. He might have still followed Sami and Adian (never liking posts, but seeing them), but Rafik? He’d blocked him from every social media he could. He’d cleansed himself clean of his embarrassing moment, like a white woman who was really into doing detoxes. He’d managed to scrub himself free of every memory that lingered on his phone or in his room; photos, birthday gifts, cards. It all reminded him too much of the day his life began to fall apart. 

His finger hovered over his name, an internal debate raging in his mind over if he should click on it or not. His curiosity began tugging at him until his finger slipped and the profile loaded onto his screen. It was private, but all James needed to see was his new bio. 

_“forgive with gracious forgiveness”_

James clenched his jaw, his teeth pressed together so tightly he thought they might snap under the pressure. _Forgiveness._ He didn’t need to look it up to know that the quote was from the Quran; the words of all the pages still lingering in his mind like a bad taste from a time that was nauseating to think about. 

He closed Instagram, setting his phone back in its place on the side table. He moved to lay on his side, his eyes now resting on his chalkboard wall that was currently filled with numerous to-do-lists, essay brainstorming outlines and other miscellaneous scribbles. But through the un-organized, chaotic representation of his mind, his gaze still landed on the calming reminder:

_Minute by minute._

Written in the comforting handwriting,

_Minute by minute._

Speaking in his mind with a comforting voice.

_Minute by minute._

It was comforting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CANADIAN INDEX (in order of appearance)
> 
> TTC: It stands for "Toronto Transit Commission". Whenever someone says they "TTC-ed" it just means they took public transportation like a bus, streetcar, or subway. To "TTC" means to transit. 
> 
> To Prompose/ A Prom-posal: the act of asking someone to prom. Most happen in public and usually there are IG accounts or FB Pages dedicated to posting them for the school to see. They can be elaborate acts like a flashmob in the cafeteria or more intimate.
> 
> Canada Post: Our national primary postal service


	15. (J) Episode Four: A Kind Of Magic

**C L I P O N E: _Sunday March 28th, 9:30am_**

There was an unexpected knock on the front door. James looked up from the sink, casting a curious glance at his parents. Charlotte was sipping her coffee, a knowing smile on her lips as Henry held her eye. James’ brow furrowed at their odd reaction.

“Aren’t you going to answer it?” his mother asked, opting to shift her focus back onto her papers. His curiosity only grew as he dried his hands, leaving the dishes where they were. He moved for the front door with a hesitation in his steps. The last time his parents were weird it didn’t end very well.

He didn’t bother looking through the window before unlocking the door and pulling it open. Standing on the stoop, in all his cuteness was Noah. His hands were stuffed in his bomber jacket’s pockets, his brown curls blowing slightly with the wind; the tops of his cheeks tinted pink with the cool air. 

“Morning, baby,” he greeted sweetly. James didn’t know what to say to the surprise visit, so he just let his lips pull into a soft smile. 

“What are you doing here?” he asked, worried for a moment that he’d forgotten plans they’d made. Noah ignored his question to look him up and down. 

“You’re going to need to change,” Noah tisked. James looked at what he was wearing in the hallway mirror next to him. 

“Please,” James scoffed playfully. “You love my dinosaur pyjamas.” Noah pressed his lips together as his smile grew. He was in fact wearing grey pj pants with little green dinosaurs scattered throughout the pattern. 

“No matter how much I might find your dinosaur pjs adorable,” he corrected himself. “You still have to change.” James held the door open wider, letting Noah into the entrance. Once the door shut, James went to kiss him hello but Noah wiggled away from him. “No, no. You have to go change before we’re late.”

“I feel like this is unnecessary payback,” James muttered, as his boyfriend pushed him towards the stairs.

“Karma’s a bitch,” Noah agreed with a light laugh. “I’ll kiss you when you’re ready.” 

“Where are we going?” he asked standing on the steps. Noah smiled up at him with a devilish gleam in his eye.

“Like I’m going to tell you. Now, hurry up.” Rolling his eyes, James reluctantly began climbing the stairs. As he reached the top, he could hear his parents talking with Noah, their voices carrying up the second floor. He didn’t stop to listen in, but he caught them asking about how his March Break was. 

Before he introduced his parents to Noah, he had been worried. He’d never brought a boy home before, and there was a difference between accepting his sexuality in theory and accepting it in practice. He’d been worried that his mother-- who had loved Jessica-- would be disappointed in his choice to end things. At first she was shocked when he told her that his four year relationship was over and he was already seeing someone new. When he told her that he thought Noah was the one, she gave him the tight lipped smile of someone who was only going along with what you were saying to not start a fight. 

Then she’d met him and James thought he could see her realize how special Noah was to him. Until that point she’d only ever heard of the boy-- that he was the one who broke James and Jessica up, that Noah didn’t handle James’ manic episode properly and gave into his whims instead of being responsible. 

Then Noah had gone over for brunch and James was convinced that his shy, sweet smile and his big eyes made her melt. With one observation of the way James looked at him, and the way he looked at him back-- Charlotte changed her mind. Now his boyfriend and his mother were like best friends, gossiping behind James’ back constantly. They always seemed to be on the same page and James found their weird psychic connection both unsettling and endearing at the same time. 

As he pulled his belt tight around his jeans, his phone dinged on his dresser. His eye flickered to it, catching the notification before the screen faded to black.

> _Message from @adiforthewin_

His mouth went dry as he bit his cheek at the words. The shirt that he had reached for was twisted tightly in his hands as he debated opening it. Inhaling, he grabbed his phone and unlocked it. 

> @adiforthewin
> 
> Arwa told me she saw you the other day. I just wanted to say hey… I haven’t heard from you since last May and I just want to know why? 

James didn’t know how long he’d been staring at the DM from Adian until there was a knock at his door. He deleted the chat entirely before slipping his phone into his pocket as Noah’s voice came from the otherside. 

“You ready?” Quickly, he pulled his light grey long sleeve Henley over his head as he called his boyfriend into the room. Noah stood in his doorway, his eyes drawn to his shirt. 

“Babe,” he chuckled lightly. “It’s inside out.” James looked down at himself. With a slight annoyance he removed it and flipped it before getting dressed again. 

“Ready,” James sighed finally, extending his arms. “Now do I get my kiss?” His boyfriend rolled his eyes but the smile on his lips told him that he was happy to oblige. Noah walked over and brought James down to his height by the back of his neck. He kissed him gently. 

“Hi,” he whispered to the older boy, as their faces stood inches apart. James pecked his lips one more time before pulling away. 

“Hello.”

**C L I P T W O: _Sunday March 28th, 10:45am_**

There were three types of people that James and Noah ran into on the subway.

  1. Those who couldn’t give less of shit about their entwined fingers; their focus pulled to their books or phones or to the advertisement lining the train’s compartment walls 
  2. The people who would smile at them in support. Sometimes they would give him a little nod as if to say _‘you go girl!’_
  3. Then there was this type of person:



Noah was telling him something about Ben’s upcoming birthday party-- something about a gag gift that Logan had bought on Kijiji-- but James wasn’t really listening. His eyes had found the glare of an older man from across the fairly empty cart. He was looking at them with a face of disgust as he sat forward in his seat observing them like they were behind a cage at the zoo. The man didn’t have to call them out for James to know exactly what he was thinking. 

“Mmm hmm,” he agreed along with Noah’s story. The boy seemed to stop talking, catching the distant expression on his boyfriend’s face. He turned to trail his attention to where James’ eyes were. 

“Hey,” Noah called him back to Earth, squeezing his hand. James looked at him, noticing a similar tension he held appearing in the younger boy’s shoulders. “People can think whatever they want; it doesn’t make it true.”

“I know,” James swallowed. “But it still pisses me off.”

Soon enough, the train announced their approach to St. Clair West Station and Noah stood up, tugging James out the open doors. All the heavy air that had been around them the rest of the ride had been left underground, as anticipation overcame him.

“Are you finally going to tell me where we’re going?” James asked as they made their way up the stairs and outside onto the street. The sun was high in the sky today, with a cool breeze rolling through every once and awhile. 

“Where’s your sense of adventure, Min?” Noah teased as he led him down the block with a sureness in his step.

“Can you at least tell me _why_ we’re going out?” Noah kept his eyes forward, as the question hung in the air for a brief pause.

“I thought you could use a distraction.” He hadn’t mentioned his past few sleepless nights to Noah, but he didn’t underestimate the perception skills of his boyfriend. Maybe it was noticeable to everyone and he only thought he was covering it up well? “I think we could take a break from everything. Don’t you?”

Noah didn't need to saying anything else for James to know what was bothering him. “Is she alright?” he asked, watching his reaction carefully but Noah didn’t seem to have one. 

“I’m trying to convince the hospital to let her out for Easter. I want to strangle them all.”

“I see,” James hummed. 

“I get a migraine every time I call them,” he explained. “Why is it so much fucking paperwork for like four hours? I don’t-- ugh, I'm sorry.”

“For what?”

“Making you take on my stress.”

“I don’t mind,” James shrugged as they followed the bend in the sidewalk left. “That’s what a boyfriend’s for isn’t it? To listen?” Noah looked down at his feet before returning his gaze upwards.

“Will you come to mass with us if she’s let out?” James didn’t understand why his boyfriend seemed nervous to ask him. Was it because it was a church or because he’d have to meet his mother?

“Of course.”

* * *

About fifteen minutes later, Noah led him towards a long brick building that had large glass windows and doors. It looked almost like an elementary school or a community centre, but more stylized. In studying the structure, James couldn’t help but notice that everyone who was walking in and out of the place were older-- maybe even three, four times their age.

“We’re playing bingo,” James assumed playfully. Noah nudged his shoulder at the guess. 

“This relationship is too new for me to show my competitive side,” Noah told him, joining in on the joke. “I think it’ll scare you off.”

“So there’s no chance I’m walking out of here today with a new toaster?”

“Sorry,” Noah smiled. “But I don’t think you’ll leave empty handed.” James raised his brow at the comment as the younger boy reached inside his jacket and brandished two tickets. He handed one to James, who stopped moving to read it.

_Rare Book and Vintage Paper Show_

He blinked down at the exposition’s title, his mind slowly processing how kind the gesture was. But in his silence, Noah must have taken the pause for displeasure because his confident attitude began to slip. 

“I thought, you know,” he cleared his throat awkwardly. “You might enjoy being around all the books and stuff but we don’t have to go if you don’t--”

“Noah,” James stopped him. “This is amazing.” His boyfriend's shoulders relaxed as the hesitation and fear fell away with the words of assurance. He dropped Noah’s hand to pull him in by the waist, wrapping an arm around his hips. He dropped a kiss on top of his head. “Thank you.” 

Noah blushed at the display of affection. “Come on,” he began to walk again. “I want to hunt down an old ass copy of Romeo and Juliet.”

**C L I P T H R E E: _Tuesday March 30th, 9:20pm_**

> _Unblock @raf._.abad ?_

His finger hovered over his screen, a churning feeling in the pit of his stomach. The light from his phone was the only thing illuminating him in the dark of his room. It washed over him with a sickly shade of blue that made him squint at the screen.

Rafik’s profile picture stared at him with a haunting presence that made him feel nauseous. The boy was smiling, his olive toned skin shining in the sunlight that he was basked in. His perfect white teeth aligned into a smile that should have been used in advertisements for dental offices. Everything about him was perfect; his face, his body, his character.

Rafik was the gorgeous boy next door type of guy-- the one who everyone couldn’t help but fall in love with because he was kind and sweet and morally righteous. He helped old ladies with their groceries and he volunteered with Sami at shelters and community centres. He was perfect and James had convinced himself of that fact. But perfect people were hardly ever just that.

James still remembered that night, like a war flashback that wouldn’t quite leave him; like an embarrassing memory from the third grade that haunted you as you tried to sleep. Sometimes he’d push it so far out of his mind that he'd hope it’d get lost amongst the millions of other memories and traumas, but it always came back to him. 

It was May, 17th 2020. Victoria Day Weekend. 

James, Rafik and Adian were all the same age and about to graduate in less than a month. Sami and Ali were older by a year, having already left for university but came back home after their semesters ended in April. Adian was James’ best friend-- they’d known each other the longest. Sami and Ali were two peas in a pod. And Rafik… well Rafik intrigued James. 

A popular girl named Kayla had thrown a pre-exam celebration for the long weekend and it had already been deemed the ‘party of the year’ before it even happened. All the graduates were invited, so their group decided to go just to show face and say they went. 

Rafik didn’t ‘do parties’ but James had asked him to go for him, so that while Adian was striking out with Kayla and the two uni boys were flirting with seniors, he’d have someone to be with. The boy had smiled at James, rolling his eyes slightly and saying he’d make an exception "but only for you James". James had taken it as a sign. It must have been. 

Jessica and James were on and off-- one second they’d be together and the next she’d be leaving him on read and not returning his calls. He’d gotten tired of the mind games she was playing, so James found refuge with Rafik’s kind words and his encouragement.

But that fateful night of the party, James had made a few mistakes. 

He’d stop taking his medication for a week or so, because the higher dosage was making him feel… _less_. All his emotions were sealed behind a glass window, watered down until he could only sense them like a numb arm. He just wanted to feel good again, so he began flushing his pills so his mother would think he was still taking them. 

Jessica had messaged him an hour before telling him that she didn’t think it was a good idea for him to go to the party: saying he couldn’t handle being around so much drinking and smoking. So fuck it, he had a couple of beers and a few shots that some girl pass him-- he could handle it.

Then he mixed all of that with a pinch of loneliness, a cup of self-pity, an ounce of pure euphoria, and garnished it all with Rafik standing under moonlight and James found himself about to fuck up.

He’d been manic all day, but no one had registered it-- his friends didn’t even know he was bipolar. So when the guys left James and Rafik standing alone, outside in a corner off to the side of the yard, James began to slip further and further until he was no longer feeling _anything_. 

Rafik had given him an odd look-- which in retrospect, was the same look Noah had given him back in the hotel room that last November-- a look of confusion, concern, and slight fear. James was probably talking a mile a second about whatever subject his mind bounced to. He was probably incomprehensible. He was probably ignoring everything being said to him. And then, James had stopped amidst the entire scene and kissed him. 

Rafik froze for a second, still from shock at the abrupt action. Then, after it melted away, he shoved James back with disgust. Something was shouted at him about the Quran, something about homosexuality, something about hell; James was happy to say he couldn't remember. 

> Blocked Accounts: _@raf._.abad_

James shut his phone off, clutching it to his chest for a moment. After a breath, he reached over and turned his bedside light on-- exchanging his phone for his sketchbook and pencil. 

He sat up against the headboard, resting the spiral ringed book against his drawn up knees. He moved the lead across the sheet trying to distract himself from the memories but they weren’t going away. He wanted to throw up as his mind kept swirling. He hated himself for having gone manic. He hated himself for all the stupid decisions he’d made. He hated himself for kissing Rafik and ruining his friendship with the group. He hated having to push Adian away because everything was too much. It was all too much sometimes. It was his lowest low and god, he’d just hated himself so much. 

Even though he hadn’t loved Jessica in a long time, especially not lately, James felt guilty about her. She hadn’t always been his second mother. She hadn’t always acted like his babysitter with a silent hatred for the kid she was in charge of. He’d seen her change. After he… after a thing like that… it changed people: himself, his parents, her. He saw her become hardened and maybe she blamed herself or maybe she resented him, because what he did trapped her. How could she leave him after something like that? She’d have been a monster. 

He saw what it did to her and he _refused_ to let it happen to Noah. 

His pencil broke, the tip of it crunching as it snapped off, pulling him out of his head. He had applied so much pressure that it had created indents into the page; the lines of his art pushing into the paper until it was like braille on the other side. He hadn’t even drawn anything but jagged lines and sharp edged shapes. It was a chaotic scribble that reflected his mind so well that it was frightening. He looked down at his shaking hand; it’s side smudged with gray, his knuckles having turned white as he gripped the pencil with such force. 

He shut the book with wide eyes and set it back on the bedside table in a daze. He felt lightheaded as he shut off his lamp and fell back onto his pillow with a racing heartbeat. 

He was okay. He just needed sleep. 

**C L I P F O U R: _Wednesday March 31st, 4:00pm_**

James was sitting in the campus library waiting for Kassi to arrive for their study session when he heard their feet approaching him. 

“Hey,” Kassi greeted him, taking the seat across from him. The table was slightly secluded amongst the dozens of shelves around them, a quiet atmosphere that made for the perfect place to stress cry. “Thanks for waiting.” Their philosophy course had ended at two pm but Kassi had one last lecture for the day before they were both free. 

“No problem,” he shrugged, as they dropped their backpack in the empty chair next to them. “How was your class?”

“Fucking horrible,” they sighed unzipping the bag. “But not as bad as Existentialism. Honestly what am I going to do with this course? When in my career is someone going to go, ‘Nurse! The morphine drip isn’t going into the vain. I guess we’ll have to numb the patient by explaining the absurdity of life.’” James stifled his laugh as he watched them pull out their laptop. They tucked a strand of their short silver-dyed hair behind their ear as it loaded to start. 

“One day it’ll happen and you’ll think back to this moment,” he told them. Kassi clicked their tongue. 

“If at any point I have a doctor tell me to use my knowledge of Camus to help a person in a medical situation, I will fucking hunt your ass down and give you my entire life’s savings.” 

“Deal,” James said. “But first you have to actually have knowledge on Camus.” 

“Tuché,” they replied with a huff. 

“I have a link to a YouTube video of some guy explaining the book,” James began, unlocking his phone. “What’s your ‘at’ because I’ll send it through Instagram.”

“@kassiwithaki,” they answered, taking out their own phone. He found their account and requested to follow. They followed back. “Hmm,” they hummed excitedly. “Now I can stalk you and find out who the real James is.” 

He rolled his eyes as he copied the link for the video. 

“I don’t know what you expect to find out,” he told them. “I’m pretty boring.” 

“First off, is this who you’re always daydreaming about because same.” They held out their screen to show him one of his posts. It was a recent photo that he’d taken of Noah at the Vintage Paper Show. His boyfriend didn’t know he’d snapped the picture while he was smiling down at a copy of Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet.

“That’s my boyfriend Noah,” he explained with a sweet expression. Kassi, who had only been teasing and not actually thought James was dating another boy, looked surprised.

“You’re gay?” 

“Pan,” he corrected casually as he sent the url.

> Message to @kassiwithaki
> 
> <https://youtu.be/k1nCoi1hliY>

Satisfied on the subject, Kassi continued their scrolling in search for their next question. 

“Who are they?” James flickered his eyes up to see the image.

“My parents.” That one almost _always_ had a follow up question. 

“But… Min isn’t a very… white name.” James snorted at the observation. 

“I’m adopted. My parents’ last name is Williams. When I moved here they gave me a Western name but they kept my last name and when I was older they offered me their name. I decided to keep Min, but I answer to Williams if called. My grandparents and stuff say I’m a ‘Williams’ but my friends know me as Min because that’s what I was always called at school on attendance. I don’t mind being called either because they’re both who I am.”

“Was it a national adoption?” 

“International,” he replied, beginning to flip through his lecture notes from the latest class. “I was born in South Korea.”

“When did you come here?”

“When I was five.” He casted his glance upwards when they fell silent and saw them staring at the photo carefully. 

“Do you feel out of place?” 

He flipped a page of his handwriting as he thought for a second. “With my family?”

“Yeah.”

“Never with my parents,” he answered automatically. “They’ve never made me feel like I was less of their child because I’m biologically different. I guess I feel out of place with my extended family sometimes-- like my aunt Linda. She’s a piece of work.” 

“Racist?”

“Racist, slightly homophobic,” he sighed. “I mean, you should have seen when she met my boyfriend at my cousin’s wedding-- in hindsight I should have predicted her line of questioning so we could have shown up high, at least then it would have been more fun than awkward.

“You smoke weed?” They sounded incredulous. 

“Sometimes but I can’t really.” 

“Why not?”

“I’m bipolar so it messes with my treatment.” 

“Wow,” Kassi whistled. “You’re LGBTQ, and Asian, and an immigrant, _and_ you’re bipolar. Shit dude, you really tick all the boxes, huh?”

“I’m an overachiever.”

**C L I P F I V E: _Friday April 2nd, 7:00 pm_**

Noah had messaged him to say that his study date with Arwa was running late, because if he ‘didn’t get his shit together soon’ he’d fail chemistry. He wouldn’t, but it wasn’t as if he’d listen to James on that front. Out of the two of them, Noah was the most studious. He had a very analytical mind that settled only for factual information which made him perfect for math and science. James was never a great student, only finding his niche in writing and art, but Noah was so much smarter than he was given credit for; or then he gave _himself_ credit for. No matter how much James tried to convince him, he wouldn’t listen to his ‘boyfriend bias’. 

With school out for Good Friday, he’d spent the entire day with Arwa studying for their midterm unit test and prepping their upcoming final research projects. So James was waiting for him to get back to the apartment, seated on the sofa with Elijah and Lynn on either side of him. Whatever movie they were watching was horribly acted and written and yet so absurdly captivating that they all couldn’t help but stare at the screen enthralled.

As a commercial cut through the program, Elijah excitedly began plotting theories for the W Network’s murder mystery drama.“Do you think the sister did it?”

“That’s too obvious,” Lynn argued, sitting back with her arms crossed. “The detective would have already figured it out by now.”

“Not while he’s distracted by that other blonde chick’s peach cobbler,” Elijah commented with a laugh. “He thinks with his dick not his brain.” James snorted at the observation, finding it entirely accurate. 

“The sister has motive, Lynn,” James offered, taking Eli’s side. The college boy gave a triumphant ‘ah ha!’.

“See!” he countered. “It’s two against one.”

Lynn gave a huff. “I am _literally_ a criminology major. I’m telling you, she didn’t do it.” 

“But she would gain so much from the insurance! She invested so much into the bakery!” James had begun to slip out of the debate, as his phone buzzed twice in his pocket. Reaching for it, he thought it might have been Noah but it wasn’t.

> _Message from @adiforthewin_

James looked blankly down at the notification, before his curiosity overcame him and he opened it. 

> @adiforthewin
> 
> Memory. 04.02.20

The date was sent following a picture of them all: Adian, Sami, Ali, James and Rafik. It was from a year ago today when they’d all gone to the lake. He couldn’t remember why, but he remembered that he’d had fun. Adian was the one holding the camera, taking a selfie with the rest of the guys behind him. Sami and Ali were making funny faces, slightly blocked by Adi’s body. Off to the right of the picture, in perfect focus were James and Rafik-- the other boy’s arm swung over his shoulders, a laugh shared amongst the two. 

James frowned at it, the memory burned through him like acid. As he sat still looking at it, he hadn’t noticed that the show had come back on. Lynn was enraptured again, determined to solve the crime to prove Elijah wrong. However, Elijah’s attention wasn’t on the screen any longer, but instead it was on James’ phone. 

“That boy’s cute,” he commented, pointing to Rafik. His voice was like a warning, almost withdrawn as if he were thinking the worst of the image. Even Elijah noticed how the photo seemed to capture the look in his eyes with a merciless grip. James hated it. He didn’t want to remember looking at anyone like that anymore, especially him. He hadn’t even kept photos of Jessica on his phone anymore because Noah was the only one who he wanted to look at. 

James deleted the chat again. “I guess,” he replied with a dry tone. 

“An ex?” Eli inquired with the narrowing of his eyes. 

“Nope,” James cleared his throat. “He’s no one.”

“Ah.” He didn’t believe him, but then again, James didn’t sound very believable. “Well, Noah’s cuter.”

“Then who?” his boyfriend cut in, appearing in the entrance of the living room. James and Elijah turned their heads to him with matching looks of being caught. It was a dangerous expression to show; one that would only make the perceptive boy curious-- he was always curious. Amidst the tension between James, Elijah, and the photo of Rafik, they hadn’t noticed Noah’s return. 

“Is that my sweater?” James noted at the overly sized grey Champion crewneck that Noah was currently wrapped in like a blanket.

“Is that you changing the subject?” Noah bit back playfully, also changing the subject from his thievery. James rose from his spot, walking to meet him at the threshold with a smile. 

“You look comfortable in it,” he continued, eyeing his boyfriend. Noah wrapped his arms around James’ waist, pulling him into a kiss. The older boy dipped his head down to meet his lips, his hand on his cheek holding him steady.

“Sorry I’m late,” Noah apologized when they broke apart, but stayed wrapped in each other’s arms. “I’m literally going to fail chemistry.”

“No, you won’t,” he assured him, pecking his lips. “You’re too smart to fail.”

“Next to Arwa I look like I barely passed kindergarten.”

“Everyone looks stupid next to Arwa,” James mused. “Doesn’t mean you’re going to fail.”

“God, look at these two,” Elijah slapped Lynn on the arm with the back of his hand to get her attention. “Rubbing their cute encouragement in our single faces like peasants.”

“Shh,” Lynn hushed him loudly. “I might miss something!” 

Noah raised his brow at the exclamation, confusion in the lines of his face. 

“One half of Turner and Hooch over here is trying to figure out who the murderer is,” Elijah told the younger boy with a sarcastic drawl. Noah broke away from James’ hold to peer further into the room to see the tv. 

“Oh,” he said. “I’ve seen this one. It’s the sister.”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CANADIAN INDEX (in order of appearance)
> 
> Kijiji: A kind of Craigslist or eBay (i.e. a site to sell/purchase things). I think it's available in the US but it is the most popular site to buy or sell on in Canada
> 
> Victoria Day/May 2-4: A national holiday that celebrates Queen Victoria's birthday. It's also known as "May 2-4" because her birthday's May 24th but a 2-4 is our nickname for a case of 24 beers which is a popular drink for the occasion. The long weekend sometimes isn't actually on the 24th and sometimes falls earlier depending on the year.
> 
> The Hallmark movie that James, Elijah and Lynn are watching is called "Murder She Baked: A Peach Cobbler Mystery". It's really cheesy and good 10/10 would recommend even though I spoiled it.
> 
> FUN FACT! You can actually attend the Rare Book and Vintage Paper Show which will be hosted March 28th* (the day that Noah and James go) in Toronto! Everything in this fic is up to the Skam standards of happening in real time (including all the courses that James is taking at Ryerson!) *if Covid restrictions allow it to be*


	16. (J) Episode Five: Princes Of The Universe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dear Karen, I rewrote this episode like ten times since you read it. I just rewrote it again before posting. I think it's good now.

**C L I P O N E: _Sunday April 4th, 8:00am_**

It was Easter Sunday. 

James was never brought up particularly religious, his parents being ‘watered down’ Chrisitans who only expressed their faith around the major holidays. His paternal grandparents were the strictest about religion, believing in attending mass every Sunday and praying daily. His maternal one on the other hand was where the water started to dilute the faith; they were more lax about it all. Henry and Charlotte believed in heaven and hell, and they believe in God and divine destiny but they didn’t stray beyond that. They only applied the bible to their lives when and where applicable. Thou shalt not kill was a pretty good rule of thumb, but seeing homosexuality as a sin didn’t really fit with their style. They picked and chose what they liked about Christianity until they had practically invented their own morally approvable religion. 

But today, James was going to church. An anglican one-- but close enough. Noah’s tedious calls and meetings with the clinic had proven effective and not a complete waste of time as he was able to get his mother out for a few hours. 

As they stood on the steps of St. James Cathedral, James could tell Noah was nervous by the way he kept examining the faces of passerbyers in search of his mother. The pull in his shoulders was tense as he bounced with a shaky energy. Although by studying his practically blank expression, James couldn’t tell if he was nervous to see his mother, or nervous for James to meet her. Maybe both. 

“What did St. James do to get this cathedral named after him?” Noah wasn’t religious, in fact James was the most faithful out of the two of them and that was saying a lot since James grew up in Charlotte and Henry’s church of ‘Build Your Own Religion’. That being said, the question wasn't an honest one, but rather just something to distract the boy.

“I think he was a disciple,” Noah thought about it. “I don’t know why he’s a saint.” 

“Did you grow up Anglican?” 

“Yeah,” Noah stuffed his hands into his pockets to keep them from fidgeting. His gaze still hadn’t left the street. “But I never really bought into it all.”

“No? Not even a bit?” 

“I guess, sure,” he shrugged looking up at him. “But God didn’t help me out when I needed him to, so I kind of just stopped believing in him like Santa Claus. What made the most sense was the universe and its unpredictability. This idea that we’re all at the whim of the universe’s vast, unknowable, random powers. There’s no God that gives us potential-- some people just have the deck stacked against them before they’re even born. The universe doesn’t do  _ equality _ . It does luck and some people just have more of it than others.”

James met his eye with fascination. Noah was never really poetic when he spoke, leaving the romanticism and beauty of words up to James, but he still had an interesting way of saying everything. 

Their moment of revealing didn’t last very long, as shortly after, Noah’s name was called and the boy broke their locked gaze. 

“Noah,” the sweet voice repeated, this time with a softer tone. Natalie was walking up the front steps towards her son, the clinic’s caregiver a few steps behind her. 

James had seen pictures of Noah’s mother before, but they failed to do her any justice. In reality, she looked even more like the boy with a striking resemblance. Noah had inherited her curly light brown hair, and her deep eyes. James noticed the similarities between their smiles, and the way their cheeks pulled up. 

A wind breezed past, causing her to tuck a strand of her greying hair behind her ear before she hugged Noah. 

“I missed you,” she told him with a saddened drop in her expression. She pulled back to hold his face in her hands as she took him in with a motherly concern; she was making sure he was alright. 

“I missed you too, mama,” he replied while she overlooked him. “I’m fine, I promise.” She swallowed, nodding at his insistence. As she dropped her touch, her eyes flickered to James with a recognition in them. “Mom, this is my boyfriend James-- James, this is my mother Natalie.” 

“It’s nice to meet you, Ms. Olsen,” he said politely. She waved her hand at him, pulling him into a hug. 

“Please, it’s Natalie,” she corrected him when she dropped her arms back to her side. She leaned in closer to Noah to whisper but her voice carried. “You’re right. He’s even more handsome in person.”

Noah’s cheek burned pink at his mother’s comment, as he groaned at the embarrassing comment. The younger boy turned his face in James’ arm, groaning lightly; James found it adorable. He ran a supportive hand up and down his back as Natalie looked proud that she'd successfully embarrassed her child. James thought she seemed much better today.

“Well boys,” Natalie clapped her hands excitedly. “We’d better go in before all the best seats are taken! We can’t let God wait for us especially on such an important day!”

**C L I P T W O: _Wednesday April 7th, 4:45pm_**

“Apologies for having to push back our session,” Dr. Weston said, motioning James towards the sofa. “How was your Easter break?” 

“Good,” he told her, sitting down. She joined him from across the room in her usual spot, an unreadable expression that on the surface was a thin smile and watching eyes, but underneath seemed to be tired. “And yours?” 

“Exhausting,” she confessed with more personality than she normally gave in her answers. “Did you do anything special?” 

“I met Noah’s mother,” he told her. She hummed, opening her notebook and clicking her pen. 

“Why haven’t you met her sooner?” James never really spoke about Noah’s family with his therapist. It never really came up beyond the light ' _ his family life is complicated'. _ James didn’t know much about them anyway as his boyfriend didn’t speak often about his parents unless James initiated the conversation.

“She isn’t allowed to come out of the clinic very often,” he shrugged. 

“And you don’t visit her there?” 

“Noah goes alone,” he said, raking his teeth along his bottom lip. “I don’t… it’s the same place I was in last summer. I don’t really want to go back.” 

“I’m sure Noah understands,” she smiled-- the look a bit more genuine. “Especially after the severity of that episode.” James didn’t say anything beyond a slight nod. “James?”

“I mean, he doesn’t force me to go or guilt me,” he sighed, running his fingers through his hair. “But… he doesn’t  _ know _ know why I don’t want to go.” 

“I see,” she wrote something down. “Why not?”

“I don’t think he needs to know about it.” Her eye flickered up to him as her pen kept moving across the sheet before returning back to the task at hand. 

“Care to elaborate?” 

“Not really,” he said with a softer voice. “But you aren’t really asking me, are you?” 

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.” She paused her notetaking to meet his gaze. “But I think it’ll help you work through whatever it is you’re holding you back. Let’s talk about it.”

“You already know what happened last year. I think I've talked about it enough times to never have to mention it again the rest of my life.” 

“Hmm,” she exhaled. “Then let’s not talk about that today. Let’s talk about why you’re scared to tell Noah what happened.” 

“I’m not scared.” She gave him a pointed look that made him sink back into the couch. “Okay maybe I am.” 

“Why?”

“Because right now he doesn't treat me like a baby.” 

“And he will once he finds out?”

“Jessica did.” 

“But Noah’s not Jessica.” 

“I-- I don’t really know that,” He winced at his own words. He never admitted it out loud and it sounded just as wrong as it did in his head. “Jessica didn’t mother me until it happened, she used to be fine. Then she just flipped like a switch. She checked in all the time, she monitored me like a doctor, she walked around me like I was going to snap again. Even my parents did it! They had to go to Montreal in October and they had Jessica checking up on me constantly!” 

“Seems like they cared.” 

“To a suffocating degree! I couldn’t take it anymore! But then I met Noah and he didn’t look at me like they did.”

“That’s why you didn’t tell him you were bipolar.”

“I thought I was going to be okay a bit longer. Give him a normal boyfriend for at least a few months.” 

“James,” she closed her book.

“No, I’m not normal and that’s okay, whatever--but, I’m not. You can’t just say I am to make me feel better. I know I’m not.” 

“I wasn’t going to say you were, but I was going to say that you can have a normal relationship.”

“Where one second I'm fine and the next I’m trying to break into the ROM? Yeah, really normal.” 

“I think you should consider vocalizing your fears with Noah. Communication is the key to every relationship and leaving him in the dark about something like this… it can be--”

“No,” James shook his head, crossing his arm in defiance. “He doesn’t need to know.”

**C L I P T H R E E: _Thursday April 8th, 5:15 pm_**

James stared out to the street from his spot in the living room, his knees drawn up to his chest as he sat on the bench in the bay window. The sun was starting to set later and later, the day carrying through until almost eight thirty as the spring slowly but surely began to transform into summer. A few years ago his father planted tulips around the base of the tree in their front yard, and every year they sprung from the ground around this time. 

“I haven’t seen you draw in a while,” his mother commented as she passed through the room, her laptop in hand. Henry had left a bit ago for his flight to Calgary, so the house was quieter without his parent’s playful bickering. She was looking at the sketch book that was propped up against his legs, the black pen balancing between his fingers as he searched for inspiration outside. 

“I’ve been busy,” he replied, tearing his focus away from the window. Charlotte had dressed down when she’d gotten back from work; replacing her dress pants and blazer for jeans and a t-shirt. There was something nostalgic about the outfit; something that screamed ‘road trip to pick blueberries up North’. She smiled at him, a relaxed pull of her lips as she reveled in the calmness of the moment. “But I don’t know what I want to draw.” 

“Isn’t that always the problem?” she said with a breathy exhale. “There’s nothing more daunting than a blank canvas.”

“Why don’t you paint anymore?” She shrugged, closing her laptop and holding it to her chest. 

“I just kind of forgot about it.” 

“How do you forget about something like that?”

“You forget to make time for it,” she sighed. “You have other things to worry about--work, family, bills.”

“I don’t think I could ever just stop drawing.” 

“I hope not. That’d be an awful waste of a talent.” 

“You’re being hypocritical,” he warned her half-heartedly. “I have some canvas if you want?”

“I’ve got to get back to work,” she frowned. “Maybe another time. Maybe I’ll pick it back up in the summer.” 

**C L I P F O UR: _Friday April 9th, 9:30pm_**

Ben’s eighteenth birthday party somehow had turned into an absolute rager. They were using Ella’s house (the two still not dating but annoyingly flirtatious) and it was as if everyone from the boy’s high school had shown up. Apparently she’d thrown a party earlier that year in September that had gotten her grounded for a year-- but her mother was out of town and Ella definitely had a thing for Ben.

The house was alive and louder than a concert. There was no doubt in James’ mind that the cops were going to come shut this place down in an hour. James was on the sofa with his boyfriend tucked into his side. Ben next to Noah on the arm rest, Logan was leaned up against the wall, and Thomas was standing in front of them rattling off picking up lines for their approval. 

“They’re all shit,” Noah told him with a laugh. 

“Ben liked the last one!” Thomas argued. 

“Ben’s half a blunt and a beer in. He thinks everything is great,” Logan countered.

“Bro,” Ben brushed off Logan’s comment. “Just go up to Selena and ask her to dance. She’ll say yes, trust me.”

“Since when are you qualified to give relationship advice?” Noah teased, pressing his back to James’ arm as he turned his body to look up at his best friend. 

“Without me, you'd be single,” Ben ruffled Noah’s hair, much to the boy’s displeasure. He swatted his hand away. 

“What do you mean?” James spoke up, a smile on his lips as he watched Ben try to touch Noah’s hair again. 

“Did you never tell him about my magical skills as your love advisor?” Ben gasped at Noah. “Do you remember when you broke up with Noah with that really shitty text message?” James winced at the bluntness of the memory. Beside him, Noah held his head in his hand at the stupidity of the entire conversation. “And then you got that text from Noah telling you to dump your girlfriend? Well I’m the creative genius behind the ‘fuck off or fuck me’ text! That’s trademarked by the way.”

“Do I need to cut you off?” Noah threatened, a blush tinting his cheeks rosy pink. Ben held his beer out of the smaller boy’s reach. 

“I’m the birthday boy, I don’t get cut off!” he whooped before getting up from the arm rest and moving through the crowd to go God knows where. The three friends groaned before all reaching to touch their index fingers to their noses. 

“Aw man,” Logan sighed having been the last one. “I can’t believe you’re making me babysit Richard’s all night.” 

“Look on the brightside,” Thomas adjusted his glasses. “If you get Sophia to help, it’ll be great parenting experience.” Logan flipped him off before reluctantly chasing after the birthday boy through the sea of bodies. 

“And get him some water!” Noah called after the blond, who held up a thumb in response.

“Alright loverboys,” Thomas clapped his hands together. “Wish me luck!” James and Noah gave him both a nod before he too left them in search of Selena. 

“Well that was… something,” James laughed as Noah exhaled, sinking further into James’ body. He wrapped an arm around his shoulders.

“They drive me up a wall sometimes,” he groaned. “They’re like little kids.” 

“I guess this is our parenting experience,” James joked. Noah hummed, a smile pulling at the corners of his mouth as he tipped his head up. He looked down at him and pressed their lips together. 

“Are we going to be that obnoxious couple that makes out on the couch all night?” Noah teased with a grin.

“Well all the kids have gone,” he played along, before kissing him again. They weren’t at it for long before Noah’s phone began to buzz in his pocket, causing them to pull away. He sighed, reaching for it, being to scroll through the notifications. While he did, James casted his glance upward at the party and it was a horrible mistake. 

From across the room, his eyes landed on the front door opening. Walking in was Arwa, but that wasn’t who caught his attention. Behind her, Adian, Sami, Ali and Rafik all walked in, oblivious to the fact that he was here. Every part of James’ body froze. 

“Arwa actually came?” Noah noted as he pocketed his phone again. “This morning in class she told me that she was ‘above’ this party.” 

“She probably is,” James replied numbly. 

“Those are her brother and his friends-- I am one hundred precent certain she has a crush on one of them… I think his name is Sami? But Logan told me that Sophia is trying to set up Isla with him. Honestly--” Noah was still talking but James couldn’t hear anything he was saying anymore. He could hear the words coming from his mouth but he was no longer processing what they meant. James was too busy staring at Rafik, his body having yet to thaw from it’s frozen state.

Although he could see Noah in the corner of his eye, James hadn’t registered that his boyfriend had stopped his story. He hadn’t registered that his smile had faltered and faded into a frown. He hadn’t noticed the way he was sitting up straightener, or the fact that he seemed to have fallen in on himself. Maybe if James was paying more attention to Noah, he would have caught onto his boyfriend’s growing self-consciousness. 

“Do you know him?” The question snapped James out of his daze faster than anything. He turned to Noah, faking a smile to hide behind. 

“Who? Arwa’s friend?” he feigned innocence. “No, I’ve never seen him before.” Noah searched his expression closely and James was worried that his facade would be seen through. 

“Okay,” the younger boy nodded, but it didn’t seem genuine.“I’ll be right back. I’m just going to go find Ella. I promised I’d have a drink with her.” 

James grabbed his hand before he could lose him to the crowd. “I mean it, Noah. I don’t know him.” 

“I trust you,” Noah told him with a smile. “Why wouldn’t I?” The question may have been an innocent one but it was pointed aimed, and fired with deadly accuracy. 

**C L I P F I V E: _Friday April 9th, 10:00pm_**

Noah still hadn’t returned from his drink with Ella, and part of him was worried while the other part of him told him to stop. Noah wasn’t a child who needed to be babysat and monitored. He was responsible and not like the other kids here-- James trusted that his boyfriend wouldn’t do anything stupid while drinking. 

“Having fun?” Arwa asked as she joined him on the sofa. He smiled at her, shaking his water bottle. 

“Totally. You?” The girl crossed her arm, leaning back against the couch as she observed the people dancing ahead of her. 

“Totally,” she replied. She went silent for a moment before revealing her true motives for this conversation. “I don’t know why I didn’t think you’d be here-- obviously you’d be here, it’s your boyfriend’s best friend’s birthday. I should have warned you that the guy's were coming.”

“It’s okay,” James told her, although it wasn’t. “I was bound to see them again, but luckily I don’t think they saw me.” 

“Would it really be that bad if they did?” 

“I’m not ready to face that part of my past.” He felt his throat tighten at the confession, the sympathetic look on her face only making it worse. 

“I’m not going to force you or anything,” she assured him. “There are things even I don’t want to tell anyone.”

“Like how you’re in love with Sami?” She turned her head over her shoulder, her entire body tensing under his accusation.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. Sami is--”

“Perfect for you?

“An immature boy,” she settled on, pressing her lips together tightly.

“You and I both know that’s not true,” he scoffed. “He’s probably the most mature out of any of them. Why don’t you just tell him how you feel?”

“Why don’t you tell Noah?” she bit back, immediately flooded with regret at James’ flinch. “I-- sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. I don’t know what happened between you and the guys. It’s not my place.”

“It’s fine.”

“If you’ll listen to my opinion, though: I don’t think it’ll scare Noah off. He’s like a leech, James. I was nice to him  _ once _ and now he thinks we’re best friends.” James gave her a small smile at her attempt to lighten the mood. “I can’t get rid of him now. He’s like the stray dog you take in that wants to sleep on your bed. Just let him because honestly it’s more work to keep him on the floor.” 

“He had called you his best friend on several occasions,” James informed her with a light chuckle.

“Shit,” she cursed, playfully. “I thought I’d be able to shake him off before graduation.” Before anything else could be said, a hurried shout for the girl came though the room. Soon enough, Sami was pushing his way past people towards her. 

“Arwa! Your--” Sami paused for a millisecond as he noticed James. It was like watching a tv cut out in the middle of a storm before flickering back on. “Adian got into a fight.” 

“What!?” Arwa shrieked at the news. “With who--how?” The boy shrugged, unsure of the answers to give. 

“Come on,” he hurried her, as he grabbed her hand and pulled her up. As she was led away, her eye caught James’ and he knew it was a pleading look for him to go with him. He didn’t know why, but in that moment, he pushed all the burning feelings down and followed them. 

* * *

Sami led them out the front door, running down the stairs of the balcony and down the driveway to where Adian, Ali and Rafik were currently being held back by Logan, Thomas, and Ben. 

“Fucking kids!” Adian spat at Logan, who shoved him back hard. The older boy stumbled back gripping onto Ali’s shirt for support. Ben was holding back Rafik with a sudden sobriety that managed to kick in in the heat of the moment. Thomas was shouting stuff at them, but either he wasn’t speaking English or James' brain was short-circuiting. 

Arwa and Sami continued towards the fight, rushing over to pull the boys off of the high school kids. James had stopped at the bottom of the driveway, watching as the six boys he never thought would resort to physical violence, stood in the middle of a fight. 

“Adain!” Arwa shouted at him harshly, yanking him back. “Stop it!” Sami had already managed to tear the other two guys away. “Stop it!” She finally managed to step in between Logan and her brother, causing him to raise his arms in surrender. He and the rest of the group began to all back off, cursing as they retreated down the block with Sami in toe. 

Logan and Thomas were watching them leave with deep lines of anger creased in their faces. Ben had left their side running past James without noticing him. The action made him curious so James followed Ben’s strides until his eyes finally landed on what had him in a rush. 

Soon Arwa and the rest of the Brozzz had gone to follow Ben while James remained where he was, shock seeped into his bones. Standing with his face currently being examined by everyone was Noah with his nose was bleeding and a swelling bruise forming under his left eye.

James’ feet finally moved until he was pushing past Arwa’s shaking hands and Ben’s steady grip. The older boy hovered his hands over his cheeks, not wanting to hurt him any further. 

“Noah,” he breathed with wide eyes. The younger boy casted his look away, dropping it to the floor. He brushed the boy’s curls from his face with a gentle touch. “We’ve got to get you to the clinic.” 

“We’re coming too,” Logan announced before James could lead his injured boyfriend away. James looked over them all. 

Logan, who was usually the bumbling teddybear of the group seemed to have murder in his eyes. Ben looked passable for sober, his giggly humour replaced with a stern, tight lipped seriousness. Thomas had his arms crossed over his chest like a bodyguard, his glasses slightly askew on the tip of his nose. They looked like a mismatched group of misfits-- a dumb blond, a jock, a nerd, and a skater boy. He sighed, nodding in agreement and Logan took out his phone to order a car. From behind the guys, Arwa didn’t meet his eye, instead all her attention was pulled to her blooded fingers. She seemed mortified as she left to go wash it off her hands.

“Come here, 내 사랑,” he whispered to Noah, wrapping an arm around his back to steady him. As he did, he noticed how much he smelled of alcohol, the scent seeping through the brunet’s pores. Noah was never super into drinking or smoking, only doing it every now and then and never excessively. But tonight, he seemed like a different person and James didn’t know who he was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CANADIAN INDEX (in order of appearance) 
> 
> The ROM: The Royal Ontario Museum 
> 
> Calgary: A city in Alberta, Canada


	17. (J) Episode Six: Another One Bites The Dust

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Buckle up, folks.

**C L I P O N E: _Sunday April 11th, 9:27am_**

James must have looked as worried as he felt, the lines on his face probably deep with concern as he walked into the kitchen Sunday morning. His mother was MIA, but his father was sipping his coffee with the same resting expression he always had on. 

Henry looked up at him from over the brim of his mug, the single glance turning into a lingering one as he searched James’ face with a curiosity. He didn’t say anything at first, choosing to watch his son walk through the room like a ghost, but after James almost dropped the milk, he cleared his throat.

“Are you okay?” Henry asked, folding his arms on the island as he peered forward at him. forward on the island. James was hugging the container of milk to his chest having caught it swiftly before it hit the ground. With a hesitant glance around, James shifted in his spot by the fridge. 

“Where’s mom?” Henry pushed up his thin wired glasses as he raised his brow up at the question.

“Linda called so she’s in our room, why?” James walked over to the stool, taking up his seat across from his father. He set the milk down in the centre of the table before running his fingers through his hair.

“You can’t tell mom,” he warned his dad, who’s curiosity spiked. “She’ll flip.”

“Alright.” It wasn’t a promise per say but he knew Henry wouldn’t say anything.

“I came home late last night--”

“Speaking of,” Henry gave him a stern look. “You know better than to break curfew.”

“I have a good reason if you let me finish,” he told him. Excepting that, his father motioned for him to continue. “Noah got into a fight last night.”

His father’s face went through a series of reactions ranging from confusion, to disappointment, to worry, until ultimately landing on a mixture of all three. 

“Noah got into a fight?” he repeated with slight disbelief. “That is not what I thought you’d tell me.”

“I know,” James muttered. “It was… not a fun night.”

“What happened?”

“Him and his friends didn’t say much to me, only that he got punched in the face. We took him to the twenty-four hour clinic and they fixed him up but Dad you should have seen him.”

“Who hit him? Some guy on the street?” 

“No,” James shook his head, feeling the exhaustion settling into his shoulders the longer he sat still. “We were at Ben’s birthday party and he’d gone off with his friend Ella and then like thirty minutes later, I found him blooded at the end of her driveway and…”

“And what?” 

“Logan told me that Adian punched him.” 

“Adian? As in _Adian-Adian_?” James ran a hand over his face, the headache he’d gotten last night still pulsing behind his eyes. 

“All the guys showed up to the party. I didn’t know they’d be there or trust me I would have opted out of going.” 

His father set his glasses onto the table, pinching the bridge of his nose. “So Adian punched Noah.”

“I don’t know why he would. I’ve-- I knew Adian since middle school and he’s never hurt anyone.”

“People change, Jamie,” he shrugged, his plaid shirt pulling around his arms as he did. “Is Noah alright?”

“He’s been sleeping a lot-- he doesn’t have a concussion but he just looked awful. I feel like shit.”

“Why?” his father inquired, sipping his coffee. “You can’t control what other people do, James.”

“But what if he got hit because of me?” 

“Because you guys aren’t friends anymore?” He nodded. “That would be a very immature and incredibly stupid thing for them to do. Do you really think they would target Noah because of that?” 

James thought about it. “No.”

“Let’s not jump to conclusions,” his father said to him. “You can’t be blaming yourself if you had nothing to do with it. When you find out the whole story, then we can discuss your role in it.” James didn’t reply. “Do you understand?”

“Yes.”

“Good, now just let Noah recover and talk to him later. Don’t you have exams to be studying for?”

“Too many,” James sighed. 

“Well then I suggest putting some energy into that. Yes?” James smiled at him. “Good.”

“Jamie, you’re up,” Charlotte’s voice cut in as she poked her head into the room. In her hands she was clutching the phone, her palm covering the speaker as she spoke. “Where is that letter that came in the other day? You said you put it somewhere?”

“In the hallway drawer,” he answered, trying his best to hide the remnants of the secret conversation from his expression. She took off through the living room on the hunt for the mail as Henry lifted his mug up to his lips. 

James looked down at his phone when a notification came through but it was only from Kassi on Instagram. He frowned at it, shutting his screen off. 

“Noah?” his father asked.

“No.”

“He’ll be okay, James. Just give him some time.”

**C L I P T W O: _Monday April 12th, 8:30am_**

> ME
> 
> How are you feeling?
> 
> NOAH 💘💘
> 
> Fine. Embarrassed. 
> 
> ME
> 
> Why? 
> 
> NOAH 💘💘
> 
> It’s a long story
> 
> ME
> 
> What do you mean?
> 
> NOAH 💘💘
> 
> Forget about it
> 
> ME
> 
> Um… no? Noah you got PUNCHED in the face! You got hurt. 
> 
> NOAH 💘💘
> 
> I can take a punch 
> 
> ME
> 
> Noah. 
> 
> NOAH 💘💘
> 
> James. 
> 
> NOAH 💘💘
> 
> Look, I think we have some things to talk about. In person. 
> 
> ME
> 
> I can come over tonight
> 
> NOAH 💘💘
> 
> No
> 
> NOAH 💘💘
> 
> I’m really busy this week with midterms
> 
> ME
> 
> Okay… friday?
> 
> NOAH 💘💘
> 
> Yeah ok

The conversation he had with Noah that morning was pulled up on his phone as James sat on the subway staring down at it. The exchange was cold and distant-- at least that’s how he read it. It wasn’t their normal banter. There was no playfulness to their messages like they tended to be; filled with light hearted teasing that made him smile. There weren’t any heart emojis or ‘I love you’ s exchanged between the couple and James knew why. 

He found out. 

_James had lied and Noah had found out._

**C L I P T H R E E: _Wednesday April 14th, 10:10am_**

“Morning, Min-Williams,” Kassi greeted as they walked down the hall towards him. In one hand they had their iced coffee from the campus café, and in the other they had their backpack swinging it at their side. 

“You’re too happy,” he replied in lieu of a greeting with a raised brow. They rolled their eyes before extending their arms out. 

“Today’s the day!” they cheered. “The final for Existentialism! I made it!” 

“You’re too excited for an exam day,” James laughed, crossing his arms over his chest as he leaned against the nearby wall. Kassi took a sip of their drink. 

“What? You’re not psyched that we never have to sit through this Camus crap again?” 

“I was kind of getting used to it,” he shrugged, knowing fully well it would piss them off. 

“And here I thought we were becoming best friends,” Kassi shook their head. “I thought I knew everything about you, Jewels.” 

“Jewels?” 

“Yeah. You know, like Jem? A nickname for James? Jem, gem, jewel?” 

“You definitely googled nicknames for James didn’t you?” 

“Sue me,” they said sarcastically. “What do other people call you?” 

“My mom calls me Jamie,” he told them. “I’ve been called J. Noah calls me Romeo. I also get Min a lot.” 

“Romeo?” 

“It’s our thing-- Romeo and Juliet.” Kassi pressed their lips together to suppress a laugh. 

“Cheesy ass motherfuckers,” they muttered. “Of course your boyfriend is another literature nerd.” 

“He’s not actually,” he said. “He considers himself more of a ‘ _skater boy’_. He actually hates English class. He’s more into science, like you.” 

“I don’t accept this,” they shook their head, dramatically. “How have I not met him? I’ve got to meet him. Call him. We’re hanging out tonight.” 

“Maybe another time,” James looked up at the ceiling. “He actually is… a little mad right now.”

“What did you do?”

“Why did I have to do something?” he defended himself. They gave him a pointed look as they sipped their ice coffee through their reusable cup. He sighed, running a hand over his face.

“I lied to him and he found out.” They tisked at him with a disappointed click of their tongue. “I know, I know.” 

“Well, I’m sure Juliet will come around,” Kassi placed a hand on James’ shoulder. “R and J would rather die than be apart, right?” 

“Right.” 

“Now,” Kassi took another sip of their coffee before they extended their hand. “Give me your notes because I didn’t study last night.” 

“And you expect to pass?”

“I am nothing if not the best bullshitter,” they corrected him. “Now, give them up Jewels.” He rolled his eyes, reaching into his backpack for his exam prep sheet and handed it to them. “Ooh, detailed.” 

“I try.” 

“Oh shit,” Kassi groaned. “Dostoyevski’s going to be on this?”

“Of course he is. Why wouldn’t he be?” James laughed at their unpreparedness. Kassi’s eyes skimmed through the sheets with a hurried gaze. 

“Because I prayed he wouldn’t. Damn, that God I don’t believe in is really fucking me over today, isn’t she?” 

**C L I P F O U R: _Friday April 16th, 6:18pm_**

James was pacing his room, the text message from Noah still lit up on his screen. 

> NOAH 💘💘
> 
> On my way.

As he wore a path into his floors, his mind was racing with possible scenarios. He could see them all playing in his mind like movies, each a battle to the death between his pride and the truth. 

“Jamie,” his mother began, walking into his room through the open door. He looked over his shoulder, stopping mid stride to turn to her. She gave him a curious look but didn't question him. Charlotte still didn’t know about what happened at Ben’s party, at least she didn’t act like she did. Either Henry told her and she was completely chill about it, or she was still in the dark about it all. As she stood in his doorway, she didn’t know that Noah was coming over. She didn’t know how much James’ mind was racing. “We’re going to leave.” 

“Okay,” he forced a smile that ended up being as thin as paper. “Have fun.”

Her lips parted slightly as she debated whether or not to address the odd tone in his voice. 

“Alright,” she ignored it instead. “If you need anything--”

“Call grandma,” he repeated back to her for the hundredth time. “I know.” 

“Because our phones--”

“Will be off,” he finished for her. “You should get going. You don’t want to be those people who show up late and have to be seated with flashlights.” 

“Okay, okay,” she gave a light laugh. “How do I look?” He tilted his head as he took in her blue and white vertical striped dress that he’d never seen before. Was it new?

“Pretty,” he complimented her. “Have a good date night.” 

She smiled at him, but before she left she reminded him, “I’ll text you at intermission.”

“I’ll be okay, mom,” he said. “I promise.” She hesitated for a moment, as if her motherly instincts knew something was wrong. 

“Love you,” she pushed her bad feeling down again. She blew him a kiss before bounding for the stairs, her high heels clicking against the floors. A moment later, there was a final goodbye, followed by the sound of the door locking shut. 

James looked at the clock on his phone, knowing that Noah would be here soon. The longer he waited, the more his body felt like live wires. James wiped his hands on his black sweatpants, feeling himself getting unsteady from the internal battle that was raging in his mind.

He just wanted to move past all of it. He wanted to forget about the summer and forget about Rafik and Adian and the guys. He’d been trying to forget them for so long and he thought he finally did, until this past month. How had everything just crumbled at his feet so quickly and without warning? 

There was a little hope inside of James that made him believe that there was a way of walking out of this conversation with all his horrible memories unshared. Maybe he wouldn’t have to tell Noah everything? 

But then there was a knock at the door. 

James had said it before. Noah was like novocaine. Numbing and addictive, but like with every drug there were side effects. Novocaine was no different: 

Chest pain or slow or irregular heartbeats.

Dizziness or drowsiness.

Anxiety or restlessness.

Trembling, shaking, or convulsions. 

Death. 

James felt his feet carry him down the steps, but he didn’t process that they had until his hand was resting on the handle of the front door. It hung frozen for a moment, before he pulled it towards himself and opened it. 

Noah looked at him and James knew two things: this boy was the one thing that could numb him from his pain, but he was also the one thing that could kill him.

**C L I P F I V E: _Friday April 16th, 6:40pm_**

They were on seperate sides, an entire living room between them as the tension forced them apart. The air in the room was staic, and thick, and unbreathable. There was a look in Noah’s eyes, one that James had only seen once before. That day in the cafeteria back in November after the younger boy had seen James kissing Jessica at Emma’s party. It was a wounded look that held so much confusion and anger and love behind it that it pierced like a knife. 

Noah looked awful and it made his heart clench. The bruise under his left eye had turned a yellowish color over the week, while his nose, which had been realigned, looked fine save for the cut across the bridge of it. Yet, with all the glaring imperfections across his face, it was the dark circles under the boy’s eyes that James noticed first.

Noah cleared his throat, crossing his arms over his chest. “I guess I’ll start.” The hoodie that he was wearing was James’, but the older boy kept the fact to himself. “Adian punched me but he didn’t start the fight. I did.”

James blinked at him, the surprise of the confession giving him whiplash. “What?”

“He was only defending his friend, so yeah. I’m pissed he clocked me across the face but I can’t really be mad at him.”

“What happened?” James asked him, his eyes wide as he waited for an answer. Noah ran his fingers through his curls, brushing them from his face with a nervous habit. 

“I went to have a drink with Ella,” he began to explain, his eyes avoiding James’ as he looked to the ground. “We did a couple of shots.”

“Of vodka?” James blanched, raising his brow. He’d never seen Noah drink anything other than beer. 

“I never said I had amazing coping strategies,” he muttered. 

“What could you have possibly needed to cope with?” James pressed further. Noah kissed his teeth as the corners of his lips pulled into a joyless smile. 

“So I did three or four shots with Ella,” he continued, ignoring James’ question. “And then Thomas came and pulled me outside because he’d struck out with Selena and he needed air. Ben and Logan ended up joining us eventually and after a bit Araw’s brother and his friend came by. We got talking. You know, I can see why Rafik caught your eye. A living Adonis is hard to come by.” James bit the inside of his cheek as Noah’s bitter tone washed over him like acid.

“Noah--”

“I mean,” he cut James off. “I get it. At first I was jealous because obviously he’s like a walk model and I’m… me, but that’s not what _really_ did it for me. Do you know how humiliating it is to find out that your boyfriend lied to you from a complete stranger-- well, I guess he’s not a stranger to you, right?”

James pressed his lips together into a tight thin line, a feeling in his chest pulling tight. “That’s not fair.”

“Which part, James?” Noah shrugged. “The part where you lied to me or the part where you lied to me?”

“I don’t have to tell you everything about my past,” James defended with a frustration growing behind his words. “You don’t tell me everything about your past-- about your family.”

“You’re not understanding why I’m upset,” Noah began to correct him with his own developing frustration. “I don’t care that there are things from your past you don’t want to tell me. You have all the right to decide how much you let me in, but what I care about is that you had the fucking _audacity_ to look me dead in the eyes and lie to me. What were you thinking? You’ve never lied to me before!”

“Wow Noah,” James crossed his arms, he bit back. “You’re really making me out to be the only one who made all the mistakes right? You got into a fight! Since when do you get into fights?”

“Whenever you got the balls to lie to me.” 

“Why are you being like this? I don’t know who you are right now.” 

Noah gave a humourless laugh that was like sandpaper.

“You don’t know me?” he spat. “Funny. I was going to say the same thing about you. Was it me? Is it something I did to make you feel like you can’t confide in me? Do you not trust me enough?”

“Noah, you’re being stupid.” 

“Am I?”

“Yes!” James snapped loudly. “Yes you are! Not everything is about you!”

“I just want to be there for you,” Noah told him. “I saw the way you looked at him-- like he was the only one in the room. Whatever past you had with him, it wasn’t nothing.”

“You’re just being jealous,” James said with exasperation, trying to force the conversation away from the path it was taking. Noah wasn’t buying it. 

“Maybe, or maybe something happened between you two and it’s bothering you. And for some fucking dumbass reason you’re not letting me help you with it!”

“You don’t want to help me, you just want me to tell you if we had a relationship or not.”

“Now who’s being stupid.”

“You want to know what happened so badly?” James began to lose his grip on his words, the frustration and pain and heat of the moment was getting to him. “Yes okay I knew him! We were friends until I went manic! That’s what happened!” 

“James--”

“No! You’re so insecure! You’re so worried that I’m going to leave you that you get jealous over the stupidest things! Do you really think I was looking at Rafik like I love him? God, sometimes you’re just like Jessica!” 

Noah may have been punched in the face last Friday, but this Friday, he looked like he’d got slapped. James didn’t realize what he’d said until the last word had left his mouth and then he instantly regretted it. He regretted _every single thing._

A tear slipped down Noah’s face, the boy quickly wiping it away with his sleeve. James felt his own eyes watering, as he processed everything. It was as if his brain had shut off and his mouth had been moving without his consent. He hadn’t meant to say any of that-- he didn’t even believe any of it… at least he didn’t think he did.

James didn’t notice that he took a step forward until Noah held out his hand to stop him. The younger boy took a step back and for the first time ever, he saw Noah flinch at him. That single twitch caused so much pain in James’ chest that it would have been less painful for Noah to have just punched him. 

Noah wrapped his arms around himself, a vulnerability in his features that twisted his heart. There was a moment of nothingness; the quiet of the aftermath, like the silence after Chernobyl. 

Noah finally met his eye again and James wanted to hold him. He just needed to hold him. But he didn’t want James. He didn’t need him. 

The boy turned and walked to the door and without another word, left. 

James ran after him, his feet stopping at the end of the porch. Noah had pulled up the hood of his sweater, stuffing his hands into his pocket as he moved down the sidewalk, his shoulders slumped.

James wanted to call out to him, but he couldn’t speak. He wanted to keep running after him; to make him understand that he didn’t mean any of it, but his feet couldn’t move. 

Everything in his body seemed to shut down, and the nagging voices that he’d been keeping abay for weeks finally broke free. 

James had done it. He'd made Noah hate him. He’d managed to turn the only part of his life that was good against him. He wanted to keep Noah innocent to all his dark thoughts, to all his past mistakes. He wanted to keep him forever without having to tell him, and in the end it was just that which pushed him away. The irony was not lost on him and he fucking hated it.

James only had enough energy to close the door behind him, before he crumpled to the floor letting everything flood over him like rapids pulling him under. He finally slipped the final inch and now he was drowning. 

**C L I P S I X: _Friday April 16th, 11:21_**

Charlotte and Henry returned home before midnight and James could hear their faint laughter from downstairs as he laid wrapped under his blanket. He was staring at the mantra, it’s letters now burning his eyes. 

_Minute by minute._

Noah had always told him to focus on the moment and not on the unpredictable future. Maybe he knew they wouldn’t last and didn’t want to get James’ hopes up? The older boy wanted to be angry at that but he couldn’t. At least it was honest which was more than he was. 

“Jamie?” his mother’s voice called out to him, or was it his father? He didn’t know but it definitely wasn’t Noah’s. He knew he’d never come back. He was gone forever. 

His name was called again, but he didn’t reply, or maybe he did… 

A gentle hand was placed on his cheek. 

“Why are you crying?” the voice asked quietly, concern lining the question. Was he crying? He blinked up at the voice-- his mother. Her face fell as she began to understand what was happening. He was slipping. “Why didn’t you call us?”

“I…” he choked out, his voice breaking through the tears he didn’t realize he was crying. “I did it again.” 

“What did you do?” his father’s voice came softly from next to his mother. 

“He left me.” 

“Noah?”

“I made him hate me,” James whispered so quietly he didn’t know if they heard him. “I didn’t mean to.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What did you think? What are your thoughts on the episode? Let me know! I love reading all your feedback and comments! <3 <3


	18. (J) Episode Seven: Keep Yourself Alive

**C L I P O N E: _Saturday April 17th, 11:07am_**

“Should we call him?” 

“I don’t know.”

“But… he should know, right?”

“Did they break up?”

“How should I know?” There was a sigh. “I should call him.” 

“Text him.”

“Right. I’ll text him… or should we wait?”

“Why?”

“What if James doesn’t want him to know? Remember last time we called Jessica and they were broken up? I don’t want to relive that awkward mess.”

“Do you really think Noah would just leave him?”

“I don’t know what to think anymore, Henry. I feel so left out of his life sometimes and what am I supposed to do? Nag him about shit until he tells me?”

“No… no but… they really seemed like something special.”

“You’ve always been a romantic. You and your love at first sight.”

“I mean it, Lottie. What if he’s just exaggerating? He’s depressed.” There was a pause.

“He’s too hard on himself…”

“He’s always too hard on himself. He blames himself for everything, even things that happen in his imagination. He takes on other people’s emotions like they’re jackets. I say we ask Noah what happened. I’m sure he’ll understand why we’re asking him.”

“What if they did break up?”

“It’s going to be a long spring.” There was a long pause. “Maybe even a long year.”

“I liked them together. He was happy.”

“Way happier than with Jessica.”

“I liked her too.”

“You liked her because she was just like you. Poor kid doesn’t need two moms on his case constantly.”

“Speaking of, we need to cancel his therapy session tomorrow.”

“I’ll take the doctor, you take Noah?”

“Teamwork.”

“Teamwork.”

**C L I P T W O: _Monday April 19th, 10:10am_**

> KASSI LEWIS
> 
> She posted our final essay marks! GUESS WHO PASSED IT!
> 
> KASSI LEWIS
> 
> Let me know what you got, unless it’s better than a 67% because then it’s just rubbing your genius in my face

**C L I P T H R E E: _Monday April 19th, 3:29pm_**

> @blackismyhappycolour
> 
> I saw Noah in chem today… I don’t want to pry but he looked like shit. Last week he asked me about the guys and about how we know each other and I told him I didn’t want to tell him a story that he should really hear from you
> 
> @blackismyhappycolour
> 
> I’m sorry if I overstepped. I hope that you two work out whatever happened and if it was because of something my brother did I’m sorry.

**C L I P F O U R: _Wednesday April 21st, 2:10pm_**

> KASSI LEWIS
> 
> Hey. I’m just checking in. How are you? I hope you’re doing okay and that you’re just ignoring me but on the highly probable chance that you’re absolutely not doing okay let me know if you need something. I’m a FANTASTIC listener. Or if you just need cat memes then I’ve got you dude. Just… let me know that you’re okay. 
> 
> KASSI LEWIS
> 
> Jewels? Just type one single letter to let me know you are physically okay
> 
> ME
> 
> h
> 
> KASSI LEWIS
> 
> 💙

**C L I P F I V E: _Wednesday April 21st, 5:14pm_**

James didn’t know what day it was anymore. He slept and sometimes he’d wake and it was light and sometimes it was dark. Sometimes he couldn’t sleep and he just laid there thinking about every little thing as the day faded into night. 

He didn’t eat or shower or speak. If he did get up for the washroom, he moved like a ghost haunting the halls with a pale complexion and glazed over eyes. If his parents were watching him, he didn’t notice. 

When he woke up, he’d find food and water next to him but he never saw his parents leave it for him. After a while, the uneaten food would be replaced with something else. His favourite foods were cycled through on a rotating schedule--- anything to get him to eat, but he never did. 

James was laying, his blanket so tightly pulled around him that it was one yank away from cutting off his circulation. He was sweating hot, but he didn’t move to fix it. His eyes were stuck on a spot on the ground-- stuck on nothing in particular. He wondered if a week had passed yet? 

Depressive episodes were all consuming, numb states where he was too tired, too sad, too full of self-loathing, too weak. Days passed, or maybe just hours, and then suddenly a week had gone by. And he knew he needed to get up and do something. He knew he should be checking in on his exam marks. He knew he should be planning out his next year’s schedule. He knew he should be starting to find a job. He should get up and shower. He should eat something beyond the small little bites to keep his starvation at bay. But he didn’t do any of that. 

He just laid there in a vicious cycle of uselessness.

The sound of his door opening dragged him from his thoughts like yanking someone back onto their feet. The creaking of the hinges cut through the heavy silence like a sharp knife going through a spider’s web.

There was a pause, as if the person at the door was hesitating. It lasted a few seconds, giving the room just enough time to settle back into its comatose state. Then the door shut and James thought they’d gone; Charlotte having made similar visits to check in on him before. But then he heard it, the sound of steady and sure footsteps walking towards the bed. Their weight was a familiar pressure on the floorboards and James knew exactly who it was.

The bed shifted, the mattress dipping as Noah laid down next to him without a word. James closed his eyes as he let the scent of his boyfriend rush over him; allowed the faint mix of cucumber and aloe to calm him. Noah always smelled fresh like a mist on an early morning and for a moment, James thought that he was imagining the boy in a manic hallucination. 

Was this a vivid memory manifested like a mirage beckoning lost adventurers in the Sahara? 

Just as he began to believe his mind was slipping even further, he felt a gentle hand loosen the blanket that was currently suffocating him. _Noah._

James meant to say his name aloud-- to call out for him-- but nothing passed his lips. Instead, he laid still, exactly how he had been but the only difference this time was that Noah was next to him. He’s come back. Had he ever gone? 

As they remained parallel to one another, James could sense the cautiousness in the younger boy. He wanted to touch James, to pull him close, but he didn’t. He stopped himself. 

The sun was still in the sky, a little sliver of it’s light managing to come through the crack in his shut curtains. He wondered if Noah had skipped school or if school was already finished? Had he texted him to no avail? Had he scared him? He never wanted to scare Noah. He had never meant to hurt him the other day. He regretted everything; all the lies, all the holding back. He’d thought he was doing it to protect Noah but really he’d been doing it to protect himself and it was selfish. God, he was so selfish. 

As James’ thoughts began to spiral once again, Noah reached out, brushing his finger over James’ shoulder where it had been freed from the comforter. It was soft and loving, the touch making his heart clench. 

“I love you, Romeo,” he whispered, his breath warm on the back of James’ neck. He was close, close enough for James to press against him. But he didn’t. He stayed in his place. “You’re not alone, baby. Never.”

**C L I P S I X: _Thursday April 22nd, 1:43am_**

James woke up in a familiar pair of arms and for a moment he’d forgotten that Noah was there. But as his eyes fluttered open he realized that it was far from a cruel dream, and that he was in fact as real as anything else around him. 

In his sleep, the older boy had found him and gravitated towards him like a lifeline. He found his face pressed to the other boy’s chest, allowing himself to be held with the most contact he’d had in… it surely must have been a week at this point. Thinking about it, James realized he hadn’t touched Noah since the emergency clinic-- that was an extra week added on their time apart. 

He was held in a comforting embrace, but he forced himself to pull away slightly. He looked up at Noah’s face for a moment with a heavy feeling in his chest. His face had healed up, it’s injuries now barely noticeable, but James still knew they’d been there. He’s seen them raw and in the moment; bloodied and bruising. He swallowed down the lump in his throat as he tried to not think about it. Rather, he pulled his focus to the small, subconscious smile that was settled on his features in a peaceful contentment.

Dropping his head back down, James let his eyes close again. Under him, he could feel Noah shift slightly as he dreamed, his hold on the older boy tightening.

He laid still, a small exhale escaping his lips as he let himself relax into his arms. It was far from a remedy, but it wasn’t nothing. 

Like this, James fell back asleep. 

**C L I P S E V E N: _Thursday April 22nd, 7:15am_**

When James stirred back awake, he was no longer in Noah’s arms, in fact he was in an empty bed. Next to him, the sheets were rumpled with sleep and the pillow he was laying on smelled faintly of the younger boy’s shampoo. Yet, he was nowhere to be found. 

Reluctantly, James sat himself up, his head reeling slightly from the action. He forced his feet to touch the cool ground, not wanting to move but telling himself he should. He should. He should.

With lumbering steps, he made it to his doorway, opening the already ajar door wider. When he stepped into the hall, he could hear the whisper of voices coming from downstairs. Despite his body pushing him towards the bathroom at the end of the hall, his mind pulled him towards the stairs. 

His feet obliged with his curiosity and carried him down the steps and to the kitchen that he hadn’t been in for… however long it’d been. Maybe he should check his phone if it wasn’t dead. 

Standing in the kitchen, his parents were dressed for work; their suits pressed and their tumbler mugs in hand. Across from them, an island between, was Noah. He looked tired, the dark circles under his eyes starkly contrasted against his skin, but he seemed to be faking alertness.

“We can stay,” Charlotte told him. “You need to go to school.” Noah shook his head lightly, waving off her worry. If anything the boy looked like he needed to sleep. 

“I’ve already called in sick,” he shrugged. “Don’t worry about me. My friends will get me all the work I miss.”

“Are you sure, Noah?” It didn’t seem to be the first time he was asked that. He nodded emphatically. 

“Yes, I’m sure. Don’t worry, I’ve taken care of him before. I--” Noah caught James’ eye from over Henry’s shoulder, his sentence tapering off unfinished. “Morning.”

James didn’t return his smile, his expression remaining droopy with emotionlessness. Noah didn’t seem to mind. Charlotte and Henry spun around to face him. 

“Jamie,” she sighed, her shoulders dropping. 

“Noah’s going to stay with you today,” Henry told him, deciding that the matter was final. “Turns out he’s ‘sick’.” James casted his eye to the younger boy who lifted his hand to his mouth and gave a fake caught. 

“The flu’s going around,” Noah lied, with a wink. James’ lip twitch for a moment before falling back into place. 

“Okay,” his voice came out hoarse and scratchy from its underuse. His mother seemed to breathe better at the sound of him speaking; even his father’s shoulders seemed to relax. 

“I guess…” she hesitated. “We’ll be going then, and if you need anything--”

“I’ll call you,” Noah nodded. “Have a good day at work.”

* * *

After Noah managed to shoo the two adults out of the house, he locked the door before returning back to the kitchen. James was still standing in the same spot when he returned. The younger boy gave a dramatic sigh as he hopped onto the island’s surface to sit. 

“You okay, baby?” Noah asked, watching him with a soft gaze.

“No,” James forced himself to answer. Noah held out his hand and with a few steps forward James took it. He allowed his boyfriend to pull him in closer, until the space between them was only filled by Noah’s dangling legs. 

“I didn’t think so,” he hummed sadly. James looked down at their entwined fingers that were resting in the other boy’s lap. There was a long stretch of silence before Noah spoke again. “Hm… I want pancakes.”

“Pancakes?” James repeated at the shift in subject. 

“President’s Choice, just add water, box mix pancakes,” Noah confirmed. “I’m thinking of making some.”

“But you can’t cook.”

“Your faith in me is heartwarming, babe,” Noah teased. “Truely.”

“You might start a fire.” 

“I will not,” he gasped. “But first,” he kissed James’ hand before sliding off the counter and landing on his feet. “I need a shower. Would you like to join me?”

**C L I P E I G H T: _Thursday April 22nd, 7:46am_**

The water ran hot, steam filling the room as the shower heated up. He let it pour down around him like rain as he stood under it with no real motivation to do anything else. He seemed to black out for a moment, his mind slipping away only to be called back by the sound of the door opening and shutting. Noah had returned with fresh clothes for the both of them, setting them down on the counter. 

“Baby,” Noah sighed with a whisper, as his eyes took him in. He reached out and that’s when James realized he was still dressed. The younger boy helped take off his shirt and even though he was standing in what felt like a sauna, James sensed a trill roll down his spine. Noah took the shirt and rang it free of water before tossing it into the nearby sink. 

“I feel so useless,” James spoke up, his voice horse and low. Noah studied him carefully as the comment hung in the sticky air. “Why are you even here?” 

“Do you not want me here?”

“I thought you hated me.” The water was starting to get scolding hot but he didn’t fix it. Noah pressed his lips together at the assumption.

“I don’t think I could ever hate you,” he was told with a saddened tone. “I think I’m starting to love you to the point of no return.” 

“Why?” Noah didn’t answer him, instead he turned around and closed the light off in the room. The sun was still coming through the sheer curtains but it only basked everything in a gloomy shade of grey. Noah took off his own shirt discarding it on the floor before stepping past the glass door and into the shower. 

He winced as he felt the heat of the water coming down from overhead. Twisting the knob to the right, both their shoulders relaxed under the cooler temperature. 

Now they stood like two idiots in the shower, half dressed.

“Do you remember,” Noah started after a pause. “When we first kissed?” James did--he remembered having snapped at Jessica, he remembered cheating on her. He remembered it being unfair to Noah, putting him in the middle of his disastrous relationship. That was the day where he’d made the selfish mistake of kissing him. 

“I shouldn’t have done that.” 

“You regret kissing me?” James nodded with a single up-down motion. Noah seemed to digest the information but press on in the face of it.

“I don’t,” Noah said softly. “I don’t regret that day at all.” 

“If I didn’t kiss you, you wouldn’t be here right now.” 

“And I wouldn’t have to see you like this?” Noah simplified for clarification. James didn’t need to answer for him to understand. “I think you’re underestimating how much of a self-destructive person I am. I would have rather been your friend than nothing. I would have moped and cried and been angry-- but I would have rather suffered internally with how much I was falling in love with you, then not be with you. You really think you could just not kiss me and that’s all it would take for me not to be around?” 

Noah tipped James’ face up until he was meeting his eye. “You can yell, you can slam the door but I’ll still be here. Do you know why? Because I’ll be just the same. I’ll walk away. I’ll send you bitchy cold text messages.”

“But I said all those things to you.”

“We can talk about that later, okay?” Noah ran his fingers through James’ wet hair, pushing it back and off his face. “One thing at a time.”

“Minute by minute.”

Noah hummed a sweet sound at the mantra. “I say for this minute we take a shower and then we go have pancakes.” 

“You really want pancakes, don’t you?” James smiled-- it felt stiff and like plastic, but it was still a smile. 

“I always want pancakes.”

“Okay.”

Noah leaned in and kissed his jaw, his lips brushing against James’ wet skin with a light touch. “Okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CANADIAN INDEX (in order of appearance)
> 
> President’s Choice: A Canadian food brand that is owned by PC Financial which owns grocery chains, PC Mobile and financial services. They have the best box mix pancakes-- don't come for me in the comments Aunt Jemima stans.


	19. (J) Episode Eight: Love Of My Life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: mention of suicide in Clip Three

**C L I P O N E: _Sunday April 25th, 12:50pm_**

Dr. Weston wore an expression of sympathy and slight concern on her face as she studied James from across the space. Her pen was uncapped but not scribbling against the paper just yet; she seemed like she was waiting for something. Perhaps for him to begin, but he didn’t. He couldn’t help but feel like she was disappointed in him, even though he knew she wasn’t. 

James had his arms crossed in front of his chest in comfort rather than deflection. His head was tilted down, strands of his black hair falling in front of his eye as he casted his look to the ground.

“I’m glad you came in this week,” she finally started with a soft tone. He didn’t meet her gaze as she did. “It’s good to see that you’re doing well enough too.” 

“I still feel like shit.” 

“You know it’ll take time.” At his silences, she pressed her lips together into a thin line. After a moment, she rose from her seat, setting her notebook on the side table as she made her way towards her desk.

She gingerly picked up a framed photo from out of its place, and walked it over to him. She handed it to James before returning to sit down. 

He looked curiously down at it as he held it carefully in his grasp. Dr. Weston was photographed smiling at the camera, as a girl around James’ age had one arm wrapped around the therapist’s shoulders. The girl’s graduation cap was in her other hand as she held it up in the air with a big grin. 

“That’s my niece Amelia,” she explained, bringing her pen and paper back into her lap. “I’ve taken care of her since she was twelve after her parents passed away. She’s like my child now. I couldn’t imagine my life without her.” 

James studied Amelia’s face noting her similar, yet almost waterdown, features to her aunt. 

“Why are you telling me about her?” He’d been with Weston ever since his diagnosis four years ago but he didn’t know much about her life other than he assumed she had a child. She never really spoke about her personal life; this was the most she’s ever shared. 

“She has depression,” Dr. Weston told him. “This past Easter she had a bad week, out of the blue. It’s hard to watch her and know there’s nothing I can really do to stop it, but then she gets back up. She pushes through it and she faces the world again. I know it’ll happen again. I know it never really leaves her even though she goes on with her life, but I’m so proud that she tries. James, it’s okay to have your bad days, your bad weeks-- even months. It’s okay to need help, or to not need any. You feel like shit, but you got up; you came here, even if you’re just going to go back home and sleep. Trying is all that matters.”

“I guess.” 

“I’m proud of you, James, just for coming here,” Dr. Weston said with an encouraging smile. “We don’t have to talk about your episode this week. We can wait for our next bi-weekly session. Today we can just sit here and talk about whatever you’d like. Have you read a new book lately?” James passed his finger over the glass of the frame that was still in his hands. 

“No,” he shook his head. “I reread Romeo and Juliet the other day, though.” She smiled at him with a knowing look. 

“Classics are classics,” she shrugged. “I’m more of a Macbeth fan.” 

“Othello’s also good and The Tempest.” 

“I’ve never read The Tempest,” she told him, sitting back in her seat comfortably. “Why don’t you tell me about that one?”

**C L I P T W O: _Tuesday April 27th, 5:00pm_**

“Hey,” Noah said, his hand holding the door open as he let James in. “How are you feeling?” James felt his shoulders relax at the sight of him, noticing how his face had returned back to it’s unscared state, but the dark circles hadn’t left.

“Better,” he told him as they stood at an awkward distance apart. “Good. Are you busy right now?”

“Not really,” he shrugged, the lock sliding into place as he twisted it shut. “Are we going somewhere?” 

“I just wanted to talk,” James explained with a pause. Noah blinked at him with a heartbreaking expression. “No,” James shook his head, correcting himself immediately. “Not that kind of talk.” 

“Oh,” Noah seemed to say with a breath he’d been holding. “Okay then, let’s talk.”

* * *

They were sitting on the couch, again with an uncomfortable amount of distance between them. Now that everything was better, all the old problems and insecurities seemed to have risen back to surface; like a country that comes together in a crisis, only to revert back to it’s problematic state afterwards.

“I’m sorry,” James started, after a moment. “I have a lot to be sorry for.” Noah didn’t say anything, allowing him to speak uninterrupted. His back was pressed up against the armrest of the sofa, his body turned inwards as his arms wrapped around his drawn up knees. Sometimes he looked so small and fragile that James forgot that he was the same boy who could throw punches and scream and pick fights and get hurt-- but everyone had different sides. “I shouldn’t have lied. None of this would have happened if I just told you the truth.”

“I think you’re giving yourself too much credit,” Noah spoke, running his fingers through his hair. “We were bound to have a fight at some point.” 

After enough therapy, James knew that was true. But he also knew that how they argued wasn’t good either.

“It wasn’t a particularly healthy type of fighting.” 

“We weren’t particularly healthy,” he countered. “I should have noticed.”

“You can’t know what’s happening in my head, Noah,” James sighed. “I don’t even realize it sometimes.” 

“I meant with me too,” Noah said. “I wasn’t doing good either and I should have just-- I don’t know, waited to talk to you. I’m sorry too.” 

There was a moment of silence where he seemed like he wanted to share something but was holding back.

“Noah?”

“I wasn’t sleeping that week so Ben dragged me to the doctors-- he said he regretted not forcing me to go back in November when… you know all that shit happened between us.” He stopped again. “I have acute insomnia triggered by stress.”

Noah gave a weak laugh at the information, running at hand over his face in slight denial. 

“Bassically,” he continued. “I don’t sleep when I’m stressed and then I do stupid shit.”

“Like punch a fence?” Noah met his eye, knowing that James knew the story and yet still embarrassed that he remembered it. 

“Yeah,” he exhaled. “Or push Thomas, or act like a dick, or shout at you.”

“But that fight you picked with Adian and Rafik?”

“80% me and 20% the shots Ella kept handing me,” he huffed a self-deprecating laugh. “I don’t know why but I… I don’t know, I guess I thought you’d pick him over me. I didn’t base that off a lot, but I had this horrible fucking feeling about it. Then when he told me he knew you I… I thought I was right.”

“You’d thought I’d leave you for him? Why would I do that?”

“I don’t know why you sound so surprised,” he muttered with a soft voice. “You hit it right on the head during our screaming match.”

“Noah--”

“But you were right,” he said. “I am insecure and I’m scared you’re going to just wake up one day and realize there’s someone better, because I  _ know _ there’s someone better. And Rafik looks like a fucking model that should be plastered on billboards.”

“Noah,” James tried again to slow his boyfriend’s racing thoughts. “I am happy with you. I am  _ more _ than happy with you. I don’t plan on leaving you anytime soon.” 

“You don’t know that,” Noah met his eye. “That’s not how love works. We don’t pick who we fall in love with; it just happens. Look at you and Jessica. You didn’t plan on meeting me.”

“No, okay,” he agreed. “I didn’t plan on falling for you when I was with Jessica but the difference between then and now is that I was looking for someone else. It was really shitty of me, I know. I should have broken up with her the second I saw you and knew I wanted to be with you. But I didn’t. I had my own insecurities and issues. But, Noah, you were exactly what I wanted. You gave me what I was looking for and now that I’ve found it, I’m not searching anymore.”

Noah casted his eye away and James knew that this was a bigger issue. It wasn’t about him, it was about Noah. Something was eating away at him and he wasn’t telling him what. 

James moved closer to him, dipping his head down to bring his gaze back up. “What’s wrong?” 

“Everyone leaves me,” he whispered. James didn’t know what to say or do, so he did nothing. “My mom’s gone away. My dad left. Isla’s probably going to move back to London. Ben’s going to Western in September and he'll forget about me, Logan’s going to train to be a firefighter-- do you know what the life expectancy is for that job? Fifteen years less than us! Not to mention the spike in cancer and heart problems he’s expected to get--”

“Hey,” James cut him off softly, reaching out to run a hand down his back. “Noah, you can’t think like that. You promised me minute by minute, remember?” The younger boy dropped his forehead against his knees before propping his chin up on them. 

“I know I worry,” he sighed. “I know that you know that I worry and I know that’s why you don’t tell me things.” James didn’t speak. “I know that you worry too-- even more than I do which is horrifying because I worry so fucking much. This is what happens when you put two worriers together. Lying to protect yourself and lying to protect the other. Am I wrong?” 

“No,” James bit his lip. “No, you’re right.”

“We can’t keep doing that,” Noah told him firmly. “We can’t hide important things because we decide that the other person is better off not knowing. I don’t know about you, but I’d rather be told and worry than be left in the dark.”

James looked into his eyes and for a second he could see his own reflection. 

“Me too,” he nodded. Noah gave him a small smile, taking James’ hand in his. They laced their fingers together, the other boy’s thumb running gently over his skin. 

“What’s been worrying you?” Noah asked him, his features lined with exhaustion. James hesitated, knowing that he needed to tell Noah before he found out some other way. He knew it was something that James had to be the one to say. He himself hadn’t acknowledged the whole story in a long time… maybe it would be therapeutic in some sense. 

“I don’t want you to treat me differently,” he started slowly. “When people find out they always look at me with pity and concern--as if I’m going to snap or break again.” He was no longer watching Noah’s face, having shifted his focus on their entwined fingers. 

“I want you to be able to tell me things, but you don’t have to--”

“No, I think I do.”

“Okay.”

**C L I P T H R E E: _Tuesday April 27th, 5:30pm_**

“I used to be friends with all those guys; Adian, Sami, Ali, Rafik. I’ve known them since middle school and we went to high school together. Adian was my best friend since the day I met him, but I… after what happened I didn’t want to remember my life from before. I changed schools, I stopped talking to them.”

“What happened?” 

“I had a manic episode,” he cleared his throat. “It was my worst one ever. I was so numb I felt invincible. Jessica and I were on and off for the entire spring and I kind of fell into myself a bit. I started to feel lonely and Rafik would always try to make me feel better. I don't really think it was love that I felt for him, but just… availability? I don’t know. I was so lonely and he had always been so nice to me and the older we got that never changed. I guess I mistook his friendship for interest and looking back on it-- he was just being who he was; a nice person. But during the week I went manic, I just felt everything a million times stronger and I… kissed him. He pushed me away and shouted stuff about the Quran and about being gay. So I went home and I read it. I memorized the entire thing forwards and backwards. I didn’t sleep or eat, I just read it over and over and over again. Then when I came down, I crashed the worst I’d ever crashed in my life. 

“Everytime I tried to sleep I saw the look of disgust on his face when I kissed him. He’d never been homophobic to the kids at school and he knew I was pan, but there was something about it being _him_ that got kissed by a boy  that just made him loose it.

“Things got bad. I stopped talking to all the guys because I convinced myself they hated me and that they all found me disgusting. I didn’t answer their calls or messages. I remember throwing my phone against the wall and breaking it. I didn’t go back to school for two weeks and I missed all my exams. Everything just built up and it wasn’t getting better. In my head, my friends hated me, my girlfriend dumped me, I’d failed school and missed graduation-- I couldn’t take it anymore. I went into the bathroom and I grabbed a bottle of pills-- I don’t even know what they were. I took the whole bottle.” 

James didn’t dare look at Noah. He could have been crying, or sympathetic, or pitiful-- but James didn’t look up to check.

“My parents found me on the floor and the paramedics took me to the hospital. I was sent to the clinic for two months-- the same one your mom’s in. When I came home, all the medication had been moved and locked in their room in a box. They never left me alone and if they did, Jessica was checking in constantly and reporting back to them like my babysitter. It changed her. She became just as obsessed as my parents and it fucking sucked. I just wanted to forget about it but they wouldn’t let me. I didn’t want to tell you because I thought it would make you see me differently like…”

“Like what?” Noah’s voice cut in weakly for the first time in a while. 

“Like I’m a danger to myself. That I can’t be trusted to take care of myself. They still don’t think I can-- that’s why they’re afraid to let me move in with you. They’re afraid of what will happen if they’re not there to save me again.” 

Noah touched his other hand to James’ face, brushing away the tear that slipped down his cheek.

“Do you think you’re a danger to yourself?” 

“No,” he told him, honestly. “I haven’t felt those things since then. Now, I’m in university and I’ve made new friends-- speaking of, Kassi wants to meet you and they might track you down themself if I don’t make it happen soon--, and I have you and I have so many plans for the future about my job and about us. I’m not as low as I was last summer.”

Noah smiled at him-- a sad but proud look that made his heart twitch. His hand left his cheek, but James caught it and kissed his palm. 

“I never want you to be that low again.”

“I can’t promise you I won’t be,” James replied softly. 

“Will you tell me if you ever feel like that again?”

“I’ll try.” 

“That’s all I’m asking for,” Noah said. 

“Are you… surprised that it happened?”

“I know that you probably went through something like that or would eventually. I’m part of a subreddit,” he said the latter with shrug and a stupid grin. 

“Of course you are,” James gave an airy laugh. 

“I’ve read things,” he added. “Good things, bad things, scary things, but I’m still here. You don’t have to be worried to tell me things, okay? I refuse to let this relationship die on the hill of poor communication.” He didn’t know what to think about this boy. About this boy that wanted so much to be with James that he kept choosing him over and over again. That he kept giving him chances because even after everything Noah was put through, he would rather be with James than without him. 

“사랑해.”

“I love you too, baby.”

**C L I P F O U R _Friday April 30th, 4:59pm_**

“He’s pretty good,” Arwa commented, taking a seat next to James under the tree. In the distance he was watching Noah, the guys, Christina and Sophia play a game of soccer. They had just celebrated part one of Ella’s party-- part two being an ‘only girls’ event at Isla’s apartment. Isla and Sophia had organized an after school picnic for their friend, a sweet get together that was starkly different from Ben’s. 

James adjusted his sunglasses, keeping his eyes forward. Across the grass, Noah had stopped the ball under his foot as he began shouting something to Ben from a few metres away. He reached up to rake his fingers through his hair, nodded to whatever the other boy was answering. His shirt pulled up as he kept his hand in his hair. 

“Yup,” James cleared his throat. He hadn’t really been watching the game per say. “Olympian in the making.” There was a pause. “I could feel you roll your eyes.”

“That’s because I rolled them so far back that they nearly dislodged.” James flickered his attention to her, noting the smile pulling at her lips. 

“Your humor is sarcastic yet darkly graphic,” James told her. “It’s slightly concerning.” She bumped his shoulder, nudging him. 

“I uh,” she faltered for a second. “I wanted to check in on you. Noah had mentioned you hadn’t been well.”

“I’m doing better,” he said, turning his shoulders to face her. “You don’t need to worry about me.” She smiled tightly at him.

“I also wanted to apologize. I wasn’t thinking about you when I brought the guys to Ben’s birthday, and then Adian punched Noah and just… yeah,” she sighed. “It was a disaster and I hope that you can forgive me.” 

“Arwa you haven’t done anything you need to apologize for. My episode wasn’t your fault-- it wasn’t anyones. They’re just bound to happen.” He knew for as true as that was, he also knew that it’s timing was probably less than coincidental. But he wasn’t lying either. It wasn’t anyone’s fault that he slipped into a depressive episode. They happened. They happened sometimes with reason, sometimes without, and he couldn’t go around blaming people for them. 

“Maybe,” she gave a nod. “I’m still sorry, even if it had nothing to do with your episode, it put you in an awkward position.”

“Thanks.”

“And,” she continued, plucking a strand of grass from beside her. She rolled it between her fingers mindlessly. “Noah asked me about Rafik the week after. I told him he should ask you about it. I didn’t mean to cause you two to fight.” James raised his brow. “Ben told Ella who may or may not have told me.”

“Ah,” he said, shifting in his spot. “You also don’t have to worry about my relationship. We’re perfectly fine.”

“You told him?”

“Everything.”

“Well,” she clasped her fingers together. “I’m glad. Secrets are a tricky thing.”

“Past experience?”

“Current,” she corrected. 

“You have a secret?” he asked in disbelief, leaning back on the tree. Her eyes were facing outwards, trailing the ball as it got kicked around the group of teenagers.

“They’re not fun to keep, are they?” 

James studied her expression; it was painfully reminiscent of a feeling he’d felt for a long time. “No,” he answered. “They never are, especially the kind that eat away at you. Those are the worst secrets because they demand so much from you and they’re never appeased; they won’t stop hurting until you tell them to someone.”

“Has the guilt gone away for you?”

“The guilt of lying or the guilt of the truth?” 

“Both.”

“I still feel it,” he confessed, looking up at the sun. The sky was clear and blue-- tinted amber by the shade of his glasses. It was a beautiful April day, far from the old saying ‘april showers’. “But now that someone knows, I feel lighter. It is so much easier to live when you’re not worrying about tripping up.”

“My secret’s not as deep as yours, I think.”

“Does it have to be?” The question hung in the air, stuck between the reality of their conversation. 

“I’ve made so many mistakes this fast,” she sighed. “So many selfish mistakes.”

“How many days until Eid?” 

“Two weeks.” 

“I think that’s plenty enough time to right your wrongs,” he shrugged, although she wasn’t looking to see it. “You’ve already started.”

“The girls will hate me.” 

“If they’re your friends they won’t.” 

“I could say the same thing to you.” Now she was facing him with a soft, sympathetic smile. 

“Do as I say, not as I do,” he stated. “Start by admitting what you’ve done before you get further into your lies. It’s harder to climb out of a six foot hole than it is to get out of a three foot one.”

“What if I confess and lose my friends?” James crossed his arms, his gaze turning curious before shifting back to pitiful. 

“You have to decide what’s more worth it for you,” he finally advised. “A guiltless conscience or keeping placid friendships. Relationships are solidified by moments of tension, because you can only come out of them stronger. If you come out weaker than you never had a good foundation to being with.”

“Therapy, huh?”

“Sometimes I think I could do my doctor’s job for her,” he gave an airy laugh. “Have you ever gone?”

“No, but maybe I should.”

“Sometimes it’s good to talk to someone who isn’t your friend or family. It’s easier sometimes.”

“Arwa!” Isla shouted for her friend with a wave. Her and Ella were on a blanket chatting under the sun, their heads tilted together in conversation. James observed Arwa’s pulled shoulders and he wondered what her secrets were— were they about Sami? Or about the girls? 

“I’m being summoned,” she said, pushing herself up from the ground. “Thanks for the advice.”

“Anytime,” he nodded and she took off towards her friends without another word. Isla moved over, making room for her to join them on the blanket. He watched the girls for a moment, noticing the casual way that they spoke but didn’t seem to see the tension in their friend’s posture. Then a mix of cheers and groans erupted from the soccer field and James looked over in time to see his boyfriend get tackled by Ben and Christina in celebration. He laughed as Logan fell to the ground in exhaustion with a dramatic sigh. Sophia glances down at her boyfriend curiously with an unnecessary concern before saying something to him. He grabbed her hand and tugged her down in a split second. She screeched at the sudden movement as she landed on his chest in a hug. He squeezed her tightly and he could hear their giggles from where he was sitting. They were cute together. 

From across the way, his eyes met Noah’s and James pushed up his sunglasses, settling them on his head. He gave him a wink and the younger boy smiled shyly as Ben patted his shoulder. The group began making their way back to the rest of them, Thomas tossing the ball into the air and catching it repeatedly as they came over the slight incline of the grass. 

“Who knew I was dating a soccer player,” Noah collapsed next to him with a groan. 

“Meh.”

“Don’t ‘meh’ me,” James chuckled. “Logan and Thomas are on the soccer team and you crushed them. Why didn’t you try out?”

“Too much commitment.” He threw an arm over his eyes at the brightness of the sun. James hummed at the answer, his smile still on his features. 

> MOM
> 
> Is Noah coming for dinner?

“My mom wants to know if you’re coming over tonight,” James read him the message from his mother. 

“Do I get to shower first?” 

“Definitely,” James scrunched his nose up playfully. Noah kicked his leg with his heel in revenge for the comment. 

“I saw you talking to Arwa,” Noah said, moving his arm down to rest across his stomach. “I’m worried about her. She seems… different.” 

“She didn’t say,” he replied honestly, flickering his eye over to her. “But I hope she figures out what’s best for herself soon.” 

“Yeah, it’s just--” Noah stopped mid sentence as a car roared into the parking lot behind him. He sat up on his elbows and turned his head over his shoulder to see who’d sped into the park and James noticed that everyone else had as well. Noah’s back straightened as he moved to sit up completely, recognition shadowing over his features as the silver two door BMW came to an abrupt stop. Behind James, Isla had stood up from the blanket, having taken a step ahead of the girls with a dazed expression. Everyone else seemed to know who it was, their faces all resembling Noah’s one of shock and confusion. 

The driver’s side door opened and out stepped a guy that James had never seen. He was tall with broad shoulders, his blond hair was cut short and, as he stood with his hands stuffed into his leather jacket, he looked like a knock off Captain America. He took off his aviators, hanging them off the collar of his shirt, his eyes focused only on Isla. When she didn’t move, he did, shutting his car door and walking down the cement path until he was crossing the grass to stand toe to toe with her. 

“Holy shit,” Noah whispered, his attention still on the mysterious man. “He’s back.”

“Who?”

“William.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Western: Western University is a school in London, Ontario. It's about two hours by car from Toronto or three hours by transit. We all know it as the "Party School" which apparently got named that by Playboy fucking Magazine. I literally CANNOT.


	20. (J) Episode Nine: I Want It All

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second last chapter folks! Let's do this <3

**C L I P O N E: _Saturday May 1st, 1:19pm_**

The FaceTime call rang through, his face staring back at him on his laptop screen as he waited for them to pick up. After a few seconds, Kassi answered with a surprised look that softened into an easy smile. 

“Jewels,” they greeted him happily. They seemed to be moving to sit up in bed, their shirt wrinkled and their silver hair messed up by sleep. “How are we feeling on this fine Saturday afternoon-- and no, I didn't just wake up.” They definitely had, if not the bed they were sitting in, then it was their yawn that gave it away. They rested their head against the white headboard as they blinked their eyes open. 

“Long night?” James teased, with raised eyebrows. They flipped him off with a smirk. 

“With my Disney Plus if you must know,” they corrected. “Not all of us have hot boyfriends who keep us up till ungodly hours.”

James rolled his eyes as he leaned back in his desk chair, crossing his arms. 

“Now, what’s up?”

“Nothing,” he shrugged casually. “I just thought I should call you.” 

“Missing my beautiful face were we?” They batted their lashes. “I get it. I won’t tell the skater boy.” After a moment, their humour began to fade as their features fell slightly more serious. “How are you?” 

“I’m feeling better,” he told them, honestly. “Much.”

“I’m glad to hear it,” Kassi nodded. “I was worried. Was it... manic?” James could hear the slight hesitation in their voice; they didn’t want to overstep their new found friendship. 

“Depressive,” he corrected. “I wasn’t manic before this time.”

“Ah,” they vocalized, running their fingers through their bobbed hair. “I didn’t know they could happen separately.”

“Manics are followed by depressives for me,” he began. “But my depression doesn’t have to come with mania.”

“A square is a rectangle but a rectangle isn’t a square,” they simplified with a smile. “I see, I see. Well, either way, I’m happy you’re feeling good.”

“And you? You’re doing okay?” He missed going to lecture to find Kassi sipping their iced coffee, ready to be bored out of their mind. He might not have missed the content of the course, but he missed having an excuse to hang out with them. 

“I passed second year,” Kassi cheered, with a groan of relief. “I’m the fucking happiest! Can you tell?” He snorted at the rhetorical question, the look of pure joy on their face utterly hilarious and extremely relatable. “Fuck philosophy! Never again!” 

“Why do I feel like you partied so hard when you got that mark?” 

“Oh, I got wasted!” they agreed with a large grin. “I went to LCBO and bought a shit ton of those vodka drinks in the cans and just downed them like water.”

“I don’t know if I should be encouraging this.”

“Shhh,” they hushed him. “Just let it happen. When are you legal? Can you have a drink?”

“June 14th, and one is usually fine.” Truthfully, James didn’t know the date of his real birthday since he was left with no identifier at the orphanage. The caregivers had just estimated how old he was and picked a number and month.

“Then we're going out in June,” Kassi pointed at him through the screen. “I will buy you that one drink and then all the Virgin Mary’s your little heart can chug. You got me through that philosophy course, so I owe you.”

“Alright,” he gave in to their persistence with a smile. “One drink.”

“Done.”

“So, what are you doing today?” James continued the conversation, as Kassi let out another yawn. 

“I may or may not have a date.”

“I’m sorry?” he gasped. “Did you not just tease me like four minutes ago about me being in a relationship? Hypocrite!” 

“I’m still single,” they corrected with a smirk. “This is only our first date.”

“Who is it? That guy who kept staring at you in lecture?”

“Which guy?”

“Did you seriously not notice?” He didn’t buy for a second that they hadn’t. They were fairly perceptive. “That guy who sat like two rows behind us? To the left? With the glasses?”

“I think he was looking at you, Jewels,” they laughed behind their hand. He furrowed his brows. 

“He was always looking at you.”

“You sat next to me, idiot,” they pressed their lips together to hide a smile. “Wow, Noah’s got you whipped huh? Did it even cross your mind that he was looking at you?”

“No,” he shook his head. “But you don’t know that he wasn’t looking at you.”

“Well, regardless,” they waved it off. “I think I’ve found my skater boy-- but she’s Japanese and has purple hair and looks like she could kill you without getting a scratch on her vegan leather jacket.”

“Mm,” he hummed. “Continue.”

“Her name is Zara and I met her on Bumble,” they supplied with a sweet smile that was very different from their more sarcastic, sassy one. Maybe he wasn’t the only one who was whipped. 

“How long have you talked to her?”

“Like a month,” they sighed. “Look, I’m probably just hyping myself up but… I think she’s the one.” He smiled at them brightly. Definitely whipped. 

“You never know, she could be.”

“Or not.”

“Or not,” he shrugged. “Where are you going?”

“There’s a food truck stop in the city.”

“Cute,” he nodded. “I expect a report of the evening.”

“Oh,” they laughed. “You are about to get the fucking longest Snap ever. You will be spammed and that’s your only warning.”

“I expect nothing less. Just share your location with me, yeah?” James hated that he had to ask that. He hated that although Kassi was non-binary, they looked female and that meant his mind raced about all the dangers that the city presented to them. Especially when it came to online dates.

“Yeah,” they gave a small nod. “And uh… if I don’t text you by midnight--”

“I’ll call,” he offered without needing to be asked. “Be careful.”

“Obvi,” they brushed off his concern but he could tell they were moved by it. “So you? What are you doing today?”

“Plotting.”

“A murder? I’m in.” 

“No, not a murder,” he chuckled. “Although I’ll remember you offered if I ever need to bury a body. No, I’m actually planning a promposal.”

“Fuck dude,” Kassi whistled. “Good luck. What have you got so far?”

James held up his blank notepad. “I’m screwed.”

“I say you flashmob him in front of the whole school.”

“He already told me he’d say ‘no’ if I did that,” James huffed with humour. “Not that I would anyway. The pressure of being watched by everyone? No, thank you.”

“Why don’t you do something R and J?”

“That’s what I was thinking,” he said. “But I just don't know  _ what _ .”

“I’m sure your poetic ass will come up with something. It’s only prom, Jewels.”

“I know, but I’m still stressing out about it. It’s not like he’s going to say ‘no’ but… he deserves something special. You know?”

“You really love him.” It was a statement of an observation they’d made. It wasn’t laughed at or said with any teasing smirk. It was sweet. 

“Yeah,” he felt himself get choked up a bit. He pushed it down. Kassi noticed that he went in his head for a moment and they pulled him out. 

“I read Romeo and Juliet like forever ago so I may not be an expert but I’ve got thirty minutes before I need to pretend to be productive. So, hit me with your best ideas. What are you thinking?”

He looked up to the ceiling. “Well…”

**C L I P T W O: _Sunday May 2nd, 10:01am_**

James came down the stairs Sunday morning, turning into the kitchen with a pause at the threshold of the room. His parents were looking at him with shared, odd expression on their faces.

“What is it this time?” he asked, crossing his arms over his chest. Charlotte reached amongst her papers and retrieved a white envelope. She held it with its top corners pinched between her fingers, its front presented to him like she was showing him a delicate piece of art. 

“Is that it?” His parents nodded and Charlotte motioned for him to take it from her. He approached them with a hesitant step, carefully accepting the letter. His father placed a supportive hand on her’s as they watched James study the envelope with a great concentration.

There was a moment of nothingness. The sound of a sea crashing against a shore hummed in his ear. 

“Aren’t you going to open it?” Henry asked, after a long pause. He promoted his son to go on, motioning to it. James looked up at them, his lips pressed together in a thin line. 

“Do I have to read it now?” His mother’s brow furrowed at his question. His father matched her confusion.

“No,” Charlotte answered slowly. “You can open it whenever you’d like, Jamie.”

“But you might not want to hold off too long,” Henry added carefully. 

James looked back down at the letter, wishing that he could know without knowing. Suddenly the fear that he’d felt when he’d first mailed the letter, rushed back to him. With everything that had been going on this past month, it had been overshadowed, but now it was back. He hadn’t missed it.

Any excitement and hope that he’d anticipated to have in the moment, turned out to be nervousness and doubt. All his insecurities seemed to hit him all at once. 

“Are you alright?” Charlotte tried to capture her son’s attention again with the wave of her hand. James put the letter onto the island’s marble top, with a slight force that earned him odd looks. His arms now hung loosely at his sides as he forced his eyes from the results. 

“I don’t know,’ he answered walking away from it. He moved to the cupboard to find something to eat, and as he did, he could feel their sight boring into him. He just ignored them.

**C L I P T H R E E: _Wednesday May 5th, 9:32pm_**

He glared down at the letter as it stared at him from across his bedroom. It sat on his desk like a looming shadow of truth that he no longer wanted. Maybe it was better not to know then to get the wrong answer. He needed some good news. He needed good news. 

He marched over to it and snatched it from its place. 

“I want to open it,” James announced, coming down the stairs with the envelope clutched in his fist. His parents looked over at him, casting their attention away from the television. His mother’s legs were in his father’s lap as they sat watching reruns of CSI: Miami for the millionth time.

Reaching for the remote, Henry paused the show and Charlotte retracted her legs to sit properly. 

James sat down across from them on the floor in front of the fireplace, the coffee table separating him from the adults. He had his legs crossed as he held the sealed results in his hands. With a deep breath, he ran his nail under the lip of the envelope, tearing it open.

The paper burned in his hands as he began to unfold it. He was fascinated by how a simple sheet of typed letters could make his heart speed up to an unhealthy rate.

His eyes read the words but didn’t process them. As he looked at them, they shifted like a psychedelic trip.

“What does it say?” Henry finally spoke up, breaking the unbearable suspense. James felt tears running down his face, as he reached up to subconsciously brush them away. A smile broke across his features as he let his shoulders relax. 

“They’re not my parents,” he laughed, relief washing over him in a powerful wave. He glanced up at them, their foreheads creased with lines of deep confusion.

“You’re… happy?” Charlotte said slowly. 

“I’ve never felt better!” His grin was starting to hurt but he still wore it.

“I’m sorry,” Charlotte tried again, clearing her throat. “You’re not disappointed?”

“Nope,” he shrugged, tossing the paper onto the coffee table. “Well, that was fun. Ice cream? I want ice cream.”

“James,” Henry started with concern. “Why are you so happy? We thought you’d be upset.” 

“I don’t know,” he lied. “Maybe I’ll be upset later.”

“Are you feeling well?”

“I’m fine,” he said with a more serious voice. He leaned his forearms on the glass table top. “I’m just relieved.”

Charlotte narrowed her eyes. “That they’re not your birth parents?”

“Yeah,” he sighed, his smile faltering. “I mean, just think about what would have happened if they were.”

“What do you mean?” Henry was still not following along. He adjusted his round glasses so they perched properly on the bridge of his nose, rather than sliding off. 

“Look at me,” James motioned to himself. His parents did but didn’t understand why they were. “I’m not South Korean, but I’m not Canadian. I’m bipolar and I’m pansexual. I don’t fit into their standards but I don’t fit in here either. I’m trapped in this weird purgatory of… nothing. I’m not as smart as they’d expect me to be-- I mean, have you seen their school exams? I’m not cultural enough to understand them. I’d be a huge disappointment. At least this way, I don’t have to fit myself into a box I don’t understand.”

“Jamie,” Charlotte whispered his name as if all the air in her lungs had been let out. 

“I don’t care, mom,” he told her with a frown. “I know you’re going to say that I’m not, and that you’re proud of me but look, to you I’m not. To them? I might be-- I would be. It’s different over there. Even over here, I’d be a disappointment to other people.”

“Do you really see yourself like that here? Like an outsider?”

“Almost always,” he licked his lips. “But it’s not  _ just _ because I’m adopted, or because I’m not white, or because I have an M.I, or because I’m LGBTQ-- it’s all of those things at once. Sometimes I feel like I’m  _ too _ different, like I’m too many things and I don’t fit anywhere.” He'd said all of this to Dr. Weston so many times that it felt like a rehearsed speech by this point. But he'd never said it to his parents before.

“Why did you never tell us?” Henry questioned. 

“Because you wouldn’t understand,” he answered honestly. “You’d try to but you never will. You can’t know how it is unless you live it. Like Linda!” he added as an example. “Mom, she’s your sister. I get it, you love her. But she says shit sometimes and I can't stand her. She acts as if I’m still a guest and not family. She’s always making comments. First it was my race, then it was my culture, now it’s my sexuality and my ‘lifestyle’-- It’s getting old.”

“Sometimes I wonder how you two came from the same family,” Henry muttered to his wife. “It’s like you came out of two different generations.” 

“I’ll talk to her again,” she sighed, running a hand over her face. “She drives me to drink, honestly.”

“I know you can’t make her change her mind about me,” Jamess added. “But I just need you to realize that what she says, I can’t just shrug it off and be the ‘bigger person’ all the time.” She nodded, slumping further into the sofa with the weight of his confession. 

“We might not be able to understand you all the time,” Henry imputed. “But, you can still tell us these things. It's not about us being able to relate, but about us just  _ knowing  _ what you’re going through.”

“That's why it's important that you find friends like you, so that there's someone who understand you when we can't.”

“I have friends,” James told her. “I have Kassi who gets what it’s like to not fit in a box. Arwa gets what it’s like to be discriminated against. Noah and Elijah understand the comments and slurs under people’s breaths. I’m fine, mom. I have people in my life.”

They both studied him for a moment, processing what he’s told them. 

“Okay,” she smiled although their was a shadow of pain behind it. “Thank you for telling us. Please keep telling us things, so that we can just be aware of it all.” 

“Should I give you an itemized list of everything?” he joked much to his mother’s distaste. She clicked her tongue at him.

“What? So I can hunt down every bastard who calls you something in the streets? Please, I already have to hold myself back on a daily basis.”

“You know what I think,” his father spoke up and they both turned to him. “James was right. We need ice cream. Family trip to Rabba?”

**C L I P F O U R: _Wednesday May 5th, 11:45pm_**

> ME
> 
> I opened the results
> 
> NOAH 💘💘
> 
> So are you going to call me or are you going to announce this over text?

James rolled his eyes as he dialed Noah’s number, the outgoing call only ringing once before his boyfriend picked up the phone. 

“So?” Noah’s voice was full of sleep, as if he’d just woken up. 

“Did I wake you?”

“Unimportant,” he brushed him off with his deep tone. “And?”

"Go back to bed, I'll tell you tomorrow."

"James," he spoke his name with a low tone.

“You sound really hot like this,” James said, purposefully trying to delay giving the results. 

“Stop trying to change the subject, Min,” he chided. 

“Fine, fine,” he laughed lightly. “They’re not my parents.” There was a pause and then the click of Noah’s bedside lamp. 

“You okay, baby?”

“I’m fine,” he smiled. “I’m actually happy they’re not. I don’t think I would have fit in in South Korea.”

“Yeah,” Noah agreed. “I don't think they would have been ready to see someone as hot as you, yet. Damn, sucks to be them.”

“You’re an idiot,” James teased, shaking his head in amusement. 

“Your idiot, mister,” Noah yawned. “No returns or refunds.” 

“What are you doing asleep before midnight? Have you finally settled for a healthy sleep schedule? No more three am nights?”

“Yeah, right,” Noah snorted. “That’s my thriving hour. No, I had to listen to Isla and William fighting across the hall all night yesterday so I didn’t sleep much. They seem to have made up though but I don't know how long that'll last so I thought I'd try sleep before their honeymoon phase is over."

“Oh yeah," he'd forgotten about William's abrupt and unexpected return. "How’s that all going?”

“It’s a disaster over here,” Noah sighed. “I think that I might scale the apartment tomorrow morning so that I don’t have to run into one of the ‘lovers’ in the elevator.”

“Maybe you should invest in some rock climbing gear?”

“Good plan,” Noah agreed. “I’ll Amazon Prime it.” 

“Go to sleep, Noah,” James told him. “I’ll see you Saturday and you can tell me everything about William and Isla then.”

“Ugh,” Noah groaned loudly. “I forgot you’re going to  _ Linda’s _ Friday night.” He actually wasn’t. He’d only told him that so he could cancel their date— James had a surprise for him. Normally Noah would be offended he didn’t get asked to tag along but his boyfriend hated Linda and absolutely tried to avoid her whenever possible.

“You really want me to suffer that longer without you?"

"An extra day?"

"You’re getting a kick out of this. You’re evil.”

“Bed time, Noey,” James told him again, trying to weasel out of the conversation. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

“Fine,” he yawned. “But only because I’m too tired to be cute and flirty with you right now.” 

“You’re always cute and flirty,” James countered. 

“Why thank you, Romeo.”

“I’m going to hang up now,” he told him warningly, despite Noah’s whine of protest. “I love you.”

“Love you too,” Noah whispered with exhaustion. “Night.”

“Goodnight, 내 사랑.”

**C L I P F I V E: _Friday May 7th, 9:00pm_**

The sun had set an hour ago and through the glass windows that lined the outer wall, James could see the city lighting up across the night sky. Noah’s apartment was on the outskirts of Toronto, just on the edge and from where the building stood, the view of the CN Tower was in the distance. 

“James?” Noah’s voice called from the entrance. There was a hesitation in his voice but it seemed to dissipate as he took him in. The older boy turned his head forward to face him. Noah had papers clutched to his chest, his hands holding them close to his body as he looked across the pool at him. A strand of hair fell in front of his eye, the curl falling loose from where they had been pushed back on his head.

James was seated at the deep end, his bare feet dangling in the water as he casted his gaze down at the dark nothingness below. 

“By love, that first did prompt me to inquire,” he recited, his voice echoing over the empty space. “He lent me counsel and I lent him eyes. I am no pilot. Yet, wert thou as far as that vast shore washed with the farthest sea, I would adventure for such merchandise.” He met his eye again; the boy’s smile was sweet as it relaxed his features into a soft expression. With careful steps, Noah began to walk around the edge of the pool towards him. Soon enough, he was at James’ side, taking off his shoes and socks. He sat down next to him, his feet dipping into the warm water. 

“In another universe,” Noah began to read the first drawing that James had left him. It had been slipped under his bedroom door with the help of Elijah. “There is a James waiting for his Noah.” He moved the top sheet to the bottom of the pile. 

“In another universe,” the second drawing said. It had been stuck to the back of the loft’s door. “There is a Noah trying to find his James. If only he had the key.” 

The third paper had been placed under the keycard to the pool (again with the help of Elijah). “In another universe, there is a James who wonders if he should have just choreographed a flashmob.” James hid his own smile at his stupid joke as Noah huffed an airy laugh. Without a word, James reached into his pocket and removed the last drawing, handing it over to him. 

“In this universe, Noah finally gets his underwater kiss and James gets his ‘yes’.” Noah looked up from the paper with a curious gleam in his eyes. 

“Turn it over,” he told him helpfully. He did. 

> _ Prom? _

“Yes,” Noah’s lips curled up at the corners. “Obviously.” 

“Oh good,” James teased playfully, his voice light. “I can tell Ben to cancel Logan’s skywriter.” Noah nudged his shoulder with his own. 

“You could have just texted me and I would have said yes.” James made a face.

“Absolutely not,” he protested. “That is neither elaborate, or romantic.”

“You’re really something else,” he shook his head in disbelief. He leaned in to kiss him, but James was already in the pool before he could. The water swallowed him down with an overwhelming sensation of being enveloped. He pushed himself upwards, until his head broke the surface again. 

“Whenever you’re ready Juliet,” he motioned for Noah to jump in. The younger boy shook his head in disbelief, setting the papers on the chair an arms reach away. James pulled himself up, his hands on either side of Noah’s thighs, until their faces were inches apart. “O, wilt thou leave me so unsatisfied?” Noah touched his palms to his cheeks, holding him steady. Compared to the heated pool, Noah was cold against James’ skin. He tipped his head down and pressed their lips together. Although they had been together for six months, James still felt the same spark in his chest everytime they kissed-- ever since Halloween, the feeling of adrenaline he got when Noah flooded his senses was almost unbearable. Noah let himself be pulled into the water, never breaking the kiss as they sunk under the surface. They dropped further, still entwined but after a second it became more tedious than romantic and they rose back up. Their laughs filled the quiet room as they floated back to the edge. 

“That was so not how they make it out to be,” Noah grinned as he rested his elbows on the floor, looking out the wall of windows. 

“They don’t tell you how much coordination and air you need,” he agreed, pecking him on his shoulder. They were fully dressed, their clothes now all wet as they stuck to their bodies. From the ledge, they watched the night sky darken even further. It was a beautiful clear May night. “I’m sorry it wasn’t everything you dreamed it’d be.” Noah brushed his own wet hair out of his eyes.

“At least we didn’t waste our first kiss underwater,” he noted with a smirk. James looked at him from the corner of his eyes, before returning his gaze to the cityscape.

“I don’t regret it-- kissing you that night. I know I shouldn’t have, at least, not while I was still with Jessica. But I don’t regret where it got me.”

“I know,” Noah said softly. “You don’t have to say it for me to know.” 

“What gives it away?” he asked sarcastically, not expecting an answer, but he got one. 

“This is the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me,” he was told. “That’s how I know. Because you thought about how to ask me a question you already knew the answer to-- because you wanted to make it special for me. Because you care. You always think about me and my feelings, even before your own. I know you love me, even if sometimes I need a reminder. It’s not because I forgot, but it’s because sometimes I can’t believe you do.” James blushed, his face flushing pink. 

“I’m happy to remind you,” he said. “Whenever you need it.” Noah placed his head on James’ shoulder and they stayed like that for a while. James didn’t know how long they were in the water staring out at the view. Maybe it was only five minutes, or maybe thirty or an hour. He didn’t really care. It was the most at peace he’d felt in a long time. 

“We should go back to the apartment,” Noah whispered. 

“How many weird looks will we get from your neighbours?” His boyfriend snorted at the question.

“I’m sure they’ve seen weirder things than two guys soaking wet running off the elevator.” 

“Damn,” James cursed light-heartedly. “I thought we’d really turn some heads.”

“Oh baby,” Noah hoisted himself out of the water, sitting on the edge. He extended an arm to help James. “Wherever we go, we’ll turn heads.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CANADIAN INDEX (in order of appearance)
> 
> LCBO: "The Liquor Control Board of Ontario". It's our liquor store
> 
> Location Sharing: Unfortunately Toronto is not the safest place on earth. Lately we’ve had a string of vans that have been following girls in Toronto and Mississauga. Most vulnerable people will share their location with a few friends if they’re going out. There are also services for you to leave your number with and they will call and check in on you if you don’t have someone to trust
> 
> Rabba: It's like a convenience store but not really? It's more like a mini grocery market. There are smaller ones that are the size of convenience stores and others that are larger. They tend to be open 24/7


	21. (J) Episode Ten: Friends Will Be Friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last episode of Skam Canada, Season 5: James! But wait! 
> 
> As a HUGE thank you to all your love and support of my stories and my characters, I've added a little bonus epilogue after this episode.
> 
> From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

**C L I P O N E: _Saturday May 8th, 8:02am_**

James didn’t want to get out of bed as he laid with his arms wrapped around Noah. He’d managed to convince his parents to let him spend the night, and he supposed they let him as a consideration for how his past few months had gone. He’d appreciated it. 

Noah was curled up against him, his breath warm on James’ chest as he held him close. The younger boy was asleep so peacefully that he didn’t want to wake him. His dark circles had finally begun to fade, but he knew they’d return the closer he got to graduation. So instead of crawling out of bed, he dropped his head back onto the pillow and closed his eyes, inhaling Noah’s scent and letting it lull him back into a slumber. 

**C L I P T W O: _Saturday May 8th, 10:39am_**

“Have you talked to your parents about it?” Lynn asked as she looked up from her book. She was keeping Elijah company as he baked, dancing around the kitchen in his signature black apron in search for his pastry cutter. James was sitting across from her at the table, as Noah showered down the hall. 

“Sort of,” he told the two roommates. “They seem to be warming up to the idea.”

“Well if you don’t move in,” Elijah spoke up as he pulled open a draw and unearthed the tool he was looking for. “You’re always welcome to be here as often as you’d like, Muffin.”

“Thanks.”

“I mean,” Elijah continued. “Not  _ too _ often. Noah actually needs to be productive and help out around the place and lord knows he doesn’t when you’re around to distract him. Actually, the more I think about it, if you do move in, Lynn and I will get stuck doing all the chores.” James chuckled at his realization. 

“You have to move in,” Lynn said, coming close to pleading. “You’re the only one I like.”

“I’m offended!” Eli gasped. “Incredibly offended! You’ve lived with me for three years!”

“Three  _ long _ years,” Lynn sighed, sticking her head back into her book. 

“I’ll talk to them about it soon,” he promised. “I’d like to move in. To be honest, I didn’t think you two would be so onboard though.”

“Are you kidding me?” Eli said turning around covered in flour and his fingers oily from butter. “Noah is so much more palatable when you’re around. It’s like he’s actually a sweet baby angel.”

“Yeah,” she piped up again. “And not a hormonal teenager who sasses us about everything.”

“He’s very sarcastic,” the college boy supplied. “A sharp tongue that is very unappreciated.” James pressed his lips together, a smile pulled at the corners of his mouth  as he witnessed the conversation continue. 

“You two are full of shit,” Noah announced walking in with damp hair and smelling of his normal cucumber and aloe blend. 

“See,” Elijah whispered to James from across the small kitchen. “I told you. He’s a little demon. Oh, hi Cupcake!” Noah rolled his eyes as he shook his head at them. 

He leaned into James’ ear.  “Traitor,” he muttered to him. The older boy grabbed his boyfriend’s wrist and pulled him into his lap.

“What did you call me?” James asked him with a laugh, pinching his side. 

“You heard me,” he squirmed. “You could have defended me but instead you egg them on. You’re a traitor!” 

“Morning!” Isla called out as she unlocked the front door with a key she never returned and let herself in. Soon she appeared in the kitchen, her red curls loose around her face as her sunglasses held strands out of her face. Behind her William stood with two trays of coffees and an easy smile on his lips. 

“Angel!” Elijah waved them further in. “The first pie is almost ready!”

“Pie? In the morning?” William commented. 

“William,” Eli said with a warning tone. “In this family you will not just be chugging protein powder for breakfast.” 

“Great! We bought drinks!” Isla walked over to her old roommate and patted his shoulder in greeting before going over to her cousin. William put the trays down, handing a coffee to Noah and a tea to James-- before ruffling Noah’s hair like a big brother. The younger boy swatted his hand away as he feigned annoyance. James looked around the room and he felt himself smiling at the so-called, handpicked, unlikely family. This was what he wanted. A room full and alive, loud and happy. 

“You okay,” Noah whispered in his ear. He looked up at the boy sitting in his lap; he was smiling at him with a relaxed expression.

“Never been better.”

**C L I P T H R E E: _Sunday May 9th, 8:18am_**

“Happy mother’s day!” James and Henry shouted as Charlotte walked into the kitchen. She jumped, placing a hand at the base of her throat as she did. 

“Boys!” she chided them half-heartedly, with a laugh on the tip of her tongue. “Lord, you scared me.”

“Happy mother’s day, mom,” James said again, walking over to her and hugging her. She squeezed him tightly, holding him a bit longer than a normal hug. 

“Thank you, Jamie,” she whispered before letting him go. Her eyes were a bit misty as she blinked up at him before patting his cheek. It felt different this year-- it meant just a little bit more after everything that happened over the summer and with the adoption agency, and their conversation, and his episodes, and now his plans to move out.

He stepped aside for his father, who kissed her sweetly. 

“Happy mother’s day, Lottie.” 

“Thank you,” she smiled, as she observed the breakfast that he and Henry had made for her. “You two were productive before ten am? Unheard of.” 

“And no one got hurt this year,” Henry told her with a knowing smirk.

“Seriously? You always bring it up,” James exclaimed with his arms cross. “I got hurt  _ once _ when I was like seven.”

“I will never forget you dropping that glass,” his mother giggled. “And you tried to play it off.”

“Your hand was bleeding everywhere but you insisted that you didn’t break it,” he father added to the story. 

“That was definitely a memorable mother’s day,” she sighed as she took a seat at the end of the island with Henry to her left. “At least you didn’t need stitches.”

“Just a lot of Bandaids,” James remembered. There was a moment of silence that hung in the room before Charlotte looked at her husband. She took his hand and they turned to face their son.

“Jamie,” she began after a moment. “Your father and I were talking.” She nudged Henry under the table with her foot. 

“We think that I’d be good for you to move in with Noah.” 

“What?”

“Yes,” Charlotte nodded. “We were worried before, especially with how young you both are and how new to the relationship you are… we worry about you Jamie more than most parents have to worry about their kid.”

“But we see how much Noah supports you and cares about you. We… trust him and we trust you,” Henry added to what Charlotte said. 

“We can help you with rent but you have to get a job,” she clarified, with a pointed look. “And we expect you to see us at least twice a month and call us every few days.”

“And to keep up your scholarships at Ryerson,” his father listed.

“And to go to your bi-weekly meetings with your therapist.”

“And to keep us in the loop.”

“But you can come home at any time,” she told him.

“Even if you just miss us.”

“Especially if you just miss us.” James had gotten off his seat and ran over to them, throwing his arms around them both. 

“Thank you,” he whispered as they both hugged him back. “I love you.”

“We’re going to miss having you home,” his mother was crying, a few stray tears down her cheeks. “But it’s only fifteen minutes away.”

His father patted him on the back. “We expect you to be as responsible as we know you can be.” He nodded.

“Okay, okay,” his mother cleared her throat, shooing him off of her. “This is my day and it’s going to be a very, very happy one.”

“Go eat your breakfast, James,” his father smiled. “Stop monopolizing mother’s day.”

“Can I at least give you your present before I stop being the centre of attention?” 

“My present?” his mother repeated. “James, you didn’t have to get me anything.”

“Well I did,” he said firmly, walking out of the kitchen and to the living room to retrieve the gift bag he had hidden behind a potted plant. He returned after a moment and her eyes widened at how big it was. 

“James,” she tisked again. Inside the gift bag, every item was individually wrapped in paper to an expert degree.

“Noah wrapped them,” he confessed as she took out the first thing. “He can’t cook but he can wrap presents. I think we balance each other out.”

Charlotte laughed as she stood up to tear away the paper. It was a large stretched canvas. The next were a new set of oil paints and the last were new brushes.

“Summer’s coming up,” was all he said before she pulled him towards her again.

“Thank you.”

“Thank you,” he said, returning the words. “You’ve done more for me than I can ever repay you for.”

**C L I P F O U R: _Tuesday May 10th, 4:00pm_**

James hadn’t told Noah yet that he could move in. The excitement about the news was bubbling in his chest the longer he kept it a secret. From across the outdoor skatepark, he watched as his boyfriend did an impressive jump that James couldn’t explain for the life of him; it was just impressive for someone who seemed to fear a two metre tall fireman’s pole made for a children’s playground. 

“Bro,” Logan greeted him, joining James at the small incline that he was sitting on. 

“Bro,” he nodded. 

“I can’t believe that I’m almost going to graduate in a month and a half,” Logan huffed with a proud smile as he sat back on his hands. 

“Are you nervous?”

“As long as I don’t trip coming down the stage, I think my reputation will be okay.”

“And about school?”

“It’s only a year and then I can apply to fire departments. I don’t need a certification but my mom thinks it’ll make me safer.”

“How’s your mom?”

“She’s in a low right now,” he shrugged. “But you know how it is. How’ve you been man?”

“Much better.”

“Right on,” he clasped him on the shoulder. “Noah!” Logan abruptly shouted for the smaller boy. Noah looked over at him, coming to a stop on his board. “You need to get more air bro! More air!” 

Noah flipped him off and Logan laughed. 

“Speaking of,” James started slowly. “I don’t think I ever thanked you.”

“What’d I do?”

“Noah’s mentioned how you help him… with me. Give him advice and listen to him when I’m not doing good. Thanks.”

“You don’t even gotta thank me,” Logan waved him off. “Noah’s my bro. He helps me a lot too-- he’s the reason I’m dating Sophia. He just needed someone to tell him what he already knows: that everything’s gonna to be okay.”

“Still,” James leaned forward, his hand between his knees as he watched Noah land another trick. “It always made me feel better knowing that he could talk to you.”

“Still can,” Logan corrected. “I’m only going to Scarborough, not the middle of Nunavut.”

“Right,” James huffed a laugh. “You’re a good guy, Logan.”

“That means a lot dude,” he patted his shoulder. “Now I better go and teach your boyfriend how to get some more air on his ollies before he hurts himself.”

* * *

Logan teaching Noah only lasted about ten minutes before they couldn’t handle each other anymore.

“He tests my patience,” Noah said, although the smile on his lips seemed to contradict his statement. 

“He means well.”

“Always does,” the other boy agreed, joining James and setting his skateboard next to him. He fixed his backwards burgundy snapback. “So, are you finally going to try?”

“And break my wrist?”

“I’ll hold you,” Noah offered, taking his hand in his as they looked out ahead of them. “You won’t get hurt. You’ll literally be like five inches from the ground.”

“If I even get the slightest scrape I think my mother will rescind her agreement.”

“For what?” 

“To let me move in with you.” Noah looked over at him the second he processed the words. 

“You can move in?!” James laughed as he wasn’t even given a chance to answer the question before he was tackled. He wrapped his arm around Noah as he hugged him, holding him close. “I can’t believe they said ‘yes’.”

“They trust us,” he spoke in his ear. “I also think the idea of having a lot of people to keep tabs on me really sold them on it.” Noah pulled away, his hand reaching up to adjust his hat. 

“Oh, Elijah will give them a full detailed report if they ask,” Noah said, not even joking at that point. “Prepare for him to be up in your shit constantly.”

“I don’t mind,” he shrugged, kissing the side of his head. “Because you’ll be there.”

“Everyday,” Noah agreed and then paused. “Are you sure this is what you want?”

“Are you asking me if I’m ready to  _ really _ commit to you?”

“I mean,” Noah shifted, his excitement waning a bit. “Are you sure that you won’t get sick of me? We’ll be sharing a room and we’ll probably end up commuting together and you’ll see me all the time at home.”

“I think we’ll be okay,” James assured. “And nothing’s set in stone and irreversible. If it gets overwhelming, I can go back home. I won’t be offended.”

“Do you promise to tell me if I become annoying?” 

“내 사랑,” James draped his arm over his shoulders, pulling him in. “I promise, even though it’ll never happen.”

“You say that now,” Noah chuckled. “But I’m sure you’ll want to get rid of me soon enough.”

“No returns or refunds,” James repeated what Noah had once told him over the phone. He tipped his chin up and James leaned down to close the distance, kissing him short and sweet. 

“Alright Romeo,” Noah patted his thigh. “Let’s get you facing your fears.” He picked up his board, by the metal bar that connected the wheels. 

“You’re not going to stop until I try, won’t you?” 

Noah hummed, his lips pressed in a smile. “You know me too well, Min.”

“Fine,” he sighed reluctantly. “But if I get hurt--”

“I’ll nurse you back to health,” he winked. “Nurse’s outfit and everything.”

**C L I P F I V E: _Thursday May 12th, 6:00pm_**

“Are you sure?” Noah asked him, running his hands down James’ buttoned up shirt smoothing it out for the millionth time. James caught his wrists, stopping him from fiddling anymore. 

“Hey,” he said, dropping his grip on him. “I’ll be okay. I’m going to have to face them eventually.”

“Okay,” Noah gave in nodding. “Okay.”

“Come on,” James took his hand and began to walk them down the rest of the block towards Arwa’s house. He hadn’t been here for a while-- a year on Victoria Day-- but it looked the exact same. The semi-detached house stood on the quiet street that he’d played on as a kid. He’d ridden his bike down this block, he’d climbed the trees in the front yard. He’d practically grown up right here and he never realized how much he’d missed the nostalgic feeling of the area until now. He’d pushed it so far from his mind that he’d forgotten about all the memories he had here. 

He felt a supportive squeeze of his hand and he smiled down at his and Noah’s entwined fingers. James led them along the side of the house, opening the backyard’s gate with a familiar click and pressure of the latch. As they entered the party, the grass was full of family and friends; a mixture of familiar faces and strangers. From across the way, James spotted the Brozzz chatting with the girl squad: Logan with his arm around Sophia, Ben eyeing Ella as she spoke, and Thomas next to Christina as they listened in. Isla and William were chatting with Arwa, and James was glad to see her seeming at ease.

“Go on,” James told Noah, nudging him towards his friends, but the younger boy didn’t move.

“No,” he said casually. “I’m good where I am.” James ran his thumb over the back of his hand, with a gentle touch. 

“James?” a voice came from the patio. He and Noah both turned to see Arwa’s mother walking out the back door with a water jug in her hands. 

“Eid Mubarak, Mrs. Hussain,” he greeted her with a small wave. She took him in noticing how much he’d changed in the past year since she’d seen him. Then she noticed his hand in Noah as she met the other boy’s eyes. 

“It’s nice to see you again, Noah,” she smiled at him. “How did the chemistry test go for you? Well I hope. You both studied so hard for it.”

“I did well,” he told her politely. “Thank you for inviting us.” She waved a hand at him, before returning it to steady the water. 

“You two are always welcome here. I’ve missed having you around, James,” she said. “The boys don’t appreciate my cooking as much as you.”

“It’s nice to be back even if it’s for a little bit.” She frowned slightly at that, having hoped that he’d cleared things up with her son and his friends--but she quickly realized that wasn’t the case. She gave a nod in parting, before leaving into the crowd of people. As she did, she seemed to say something to her son, who looked up at James. Their eyes met. 

“Do you want me to go?” Noah whispered to him when Adian began to make his way over, but James only tightened his grip on his hand harder in response. 

“J,” he said, stuffing his hands into his pockets as he stood in front of them. “I’m glad you came.”

“Yeah,” was all he managed to choke out. Seeing his ex-best friend from across a dark party was one thing. Seeing him in broad daylight and arms length away was another. 

“You too, Noah,” Adian added. “And I really did mean the message I sent you. I’m sorry about your friend’s party.”

“Thanks,” the younger boy accepted the apology.

“I was wondering…if maybe we could talk?” Adian asked James with a genuine hesitation that made it seem meaningful. Noah slipped his hand from his, and James tried not to show how much he missed the contact. 

“I’ll be with Ben,” Noah ran a hand down his arm, giving him some of his strength through the touch. “Okay?” James’ eyes said it all. They hadn’t even moved in together, but they were already able to understand each other's silent looks.  _ Don’t go far. _ “Promise,” Noah said softly, before excusing himself to find Ben and the guys.

* * *

Adian and James made their way to the front of the house, towards the two wooden swings that hung between the two oak trees on their lawn. The street was deserted, save for the few cars that drove through, and the sounds that traveled from the backyard. Adian and James had sat on these swings for years, talking about anything and everything until his parents would come pick him up. Those were the days before James was diagnosed, before he kept it hidden from Adian and the other guys, and before he left them abruptly. 

James sat in his usual swing, the left one, out of muscle memory-- or maybe it was because he thought it was sentimental. Adian didn’t even question it as he sat on the right one, gripping the rope on either side of him with his hands. 

“I seriously didn’t mean to punch Noah in the face,” Adian spoke up after a beat. “Honestly, I had no idea he was your…”

“Boyfriend,” James finished his trailed off sentence. 

“So you finally dumped Jessica,” he huffed with humour. “She was always so  _ meh _ . You definitely could have done better.”

“I have done better,” he told him. 

“I haven’t really talked to Noah but Arwa likes him, and I trust my sister. I’m glad that you’ve got someone good on your side.” No one spoke beyond that for a while, instead they just sat in the silence of each other’s awkward company. “What happened to us, man?”

“Too much,” James answered, moving his gaze upwards to the sky. It was still bright out, the sun a few hours from setting. 

“You disappeared,” Adian pressed on. “I came back from striking out with Kayla and you were gone and Rafik was losing it. He never told me what happened, but he seemed upset with himself-- saying you ran off and he was worried. We called, we messaged you, I even came by your house but it was like you pretend we never existed; like we weren’t friends for six years.”

“It’s because I did,” James confessed, leaning his head against the rope. His shoe traced a random pattern in the dirt below him, mindlessly kicking around rocks and twigs. “I tried to forget everything.”

“What happened? Why?” Last summer, James would have rather cut his tongue out than talk about what had gone wrong, and here he was, now about to have told two people in the span of three weeks. 

“I…” he caught himself, before giving in and letting himself fall. “I’m bipolar.” Adian didn’t say anything. “Do you know what that means?”

“Yeah,” he replied. “When did you find out?”

“Tenth grade.”

“What?” Adian turned to face him, but James didn’t look at him. “And you never told us?”

“It took me a while to be okay with it,” he defended himself. “And then… I didn’t want you guys to think of me as some crazy person.”

“So all those times when you were sick…?”

“I was depressed usually or manic,” he confirmed. Adian sighed, and James didn’t know if he was offended that he wasn’t told or disappointed that he didn’t figure it out. 

“So that night…”

“I went manic,” he filled in the blank. “I um… I kissed Rafik.” 

“Shit.”

“He--” James winced. “Didn’t take it very well.”

“The Quran--”

“Yeah, I know.” He recoiled at his own abrasiveness, having not meant to come off so bitter. “I read the Quran during my episode… I might have memorized it, too.”

“The whole thing?” James nodded. “You really are my mother’s favourite child, unbelievable.” The moment of levity only lasted a few seconds before the questions began again. “Why didn’t you just come talk to us after it all cleared up?”

James huffed a dry laugh at the naivety. “Because, I was manic for a week, depressed for two and then I--” he stopped himself. 

“What?”

“I was hospitalized.” Adian fell silent, but James could still feel his eyes watching him intently. “I tried… I tried to commit suicide so I was taken to the hospital and I spent 72 hours under psych watch and then I got transferred to CamH for two months. They had to change my dosage of mediation but everyone was scared that I’d overdose again… so yeah.”

“Wow,” Adian exhaled after the story came to an end. “I wish I would have known.”

“I didn’t want to face who I was before it all happened so I blacked it all out.”

“J,” he said, placing a hand on his shoulder. “I wish I could go back and notice, go back in time and change how everything happened.”

“I wouldn’t,” James admitted, even for the first time to himself. “I mean, it was the worst time of my life. I felt alone and worthless and empty but I came out the other side and… I figured myself out. I like where I am now and someone once said that every little decision you make matters and changing even one little thing can change your whole life.”

“A poet?” 

“I’ll tell Noah you think he’s poetic,” James smiled softly. “He’ll appreciate it.”

“I’ve missed you, man.” He looked over to him and suddenly he was in grade seven again getting asked to play soccer for the first time by a kid who’d become his best friend. 

“Me too,” James managed to say. 

“Do you think,” Adian began slowly. “You’d be willing to come talk to the guys again? I know I’m not the only one who’d like to see you again. We’ve all missed you.”

“Are they all here?”

“Sami’s at Pearson right now.”

“Where’s he going?”

“Back to Morocco for a bit to see his family; his grandmothers not doing well. He should be back in a month or so.”

“Oh, and the others?” 

Adian caught on. “Rafik’s here. If it helps, I know he regretted what happened-- he may not have told us, but he did seem sorry about it. I think you two should talk at some point and hear each other out.”

“Maybe…maybe I can… come hang out another time and talk to everyone… maybe when Sami gets back?” 

“Anytime, J,” Adian punched his shoulder lightly. “Hug it out?” When they were kids and got into arguments about winners and losers, or about the cute girl in the class across the hall, or about who was right or wrong, Mrs. Hussain would tell them to ‘hug it out’ and move on. 

“Hug it out,” James agreed, as they both stood up. Adian pulled him into a tight hug, like they hadn’t seen each other in years-- or at least one. James let himself relax into it, accepting the comforting feeling that he got from the familiar arms. After a moment they broke apart, each with a new understanding of where they stood and yet with so many more questions to be answered. 

“James?” his name was called by the most familiar voice of all. Noah was standing with a proud smile as he waited near the corner of the house. “It’s time for the speech. Come back?” 

“I’ll be right there, my love.” Noah gave him a knowing look-- one that noticed the lightness in his shoulders-- before turning around and walking back to the party. 

“ _ My love _ ,” Adian repeated. “You are  _ whipped _ .” James rolled his eyes at his best friend’s playful jab. 

“Say all you want but I can see you’re still single, as always.”

“My time will come,” Adian told him as they made their way towards the backyard. “And then you’ll have to put up with me and my girlfriend and our cute terms of endearment.”

**C L I P S I X: _Thursday May 12th, 6:39pm_**

“Okay, okay!” Ben announced once everyone had gathered around. He stood himself on a chair at the end of the yard, a sheet of paper in his hands. Apparently Ella convinced Ben to read it out loud for everyone, and he’d agreed. James was still confused about their relationship. “I didn’t write this speech, Isla did,” he prefaced it. 

“And William,” the red head added in before he started. “And Noah.” James looked down at the boy in his arms; Noah’s back pressed against his chest as he held him. 

“You helped write a speech?” he whispered in his ear. Noah held up his thumb and index finger an inch apart.  _ Only a little. _

“Arwa,” Ben began. A hush fell over the crowd of people, as everyone stopped talking to listen. “This speech is for you, because as I say these words, they will overthrow a president tomorrow. Because this party you’ve invited us to today, will save a life in Australia next week. Because we live in a world that is ruled by chaos; that is led by laws that are difficult to understand. Why are some people poor while others are rich? Why are some safe while others have to flee? Why are some people shouted at in the streets and spit on, while others are praised? Why is it that when we try to do good, against all the circumstances, we are still met with hate? 

“With all these unanswered questions, it makes sense that some people give up on the world. People give up and stop believing in the good. But thank you, Arwa, for not giving up. Because even though it sometimes feels like it, no one is ever alone.”

Noah rested his head back against James’ body, and he instinctively held him tighter. He dropped a kiss on the top of his hair, closing his eyes as he listened on. 

“Each and every one of us plays a role in the chaos, and what you do today will have an effect on tomorrow. It’s hard to say what kind of effect, but the aftermath of your actions will always be there, somewhere in the chaos. Maybe in the future, there will be machines that determine what effects each action has on the world. Maybe in one hundred years, they will have figured out every outcome from every drop in the ocean-- but until then there’s only one thing we know for certain: hate spreads, but fortunately, so does love.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CANADIAN INDEX (in order of appearance)
> 
> Scarborough: A city in Ontario that's about a 20-30 minute drive from Toronto
> 
> Nunavut: A Canadian Northern Territory that is really beautiful but lord it's the out in the middle of nowhere, all snow and ice way up north
> 
> CamH: A mental health facility in Toronto
> 
> Pearson: Pearson International Airpot: YYZ baby!


	22. (J+ N) Epilogue: Somebody To Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dedicated to all of you <3

**_Monday October 31st, 2022: 6:46am_ **

James was already awake, the sun having just broken over the horizon and coming through their window in little streams of light. It looked cold outside and he could faintly hear the wind howling past while little white snowflakes came down in a peaceful fall. 

It was going to be a busy Monday so James took the quiet as his last piece of calm for the rest of the day. It was Halloween and he had lectures all day, but they’d already celebrated over the weekend with Kassi and Zara the two dragging them to a club for a night. He was always in shock at how starkly different those two were: Kassi always in bright colours and laughing and sarcastic whereas their girlfriend wore leather jackets and looked like they could kill you with a spoon. They were perfect for each other. 

His eyes were pulled away from the scenery as Noah shifted in his sleep beside him. It had been two years to this day that he’d taken the boy’s hand and brought him to the park. They had their first kiss under the rainy sky and theoretically should have both gotten sick by how soaked their clothes were by the time they made it back to this very room. 

James wished there was a way to know; to know if something was going to last forever. He supposed it was up to your heart-- well, your mind-- to decide, but it was always based on a ‘good feeling’ and never psychic intuition. He wished there was a way to know  _ for sure _ . 

Noah reached for him in his sleep as if making sure he was still there. James was sat up against the headboard, lost in so much thought that he almost missed it. But he caught the movement and he took it as a sign. The younger boy’s hand grazed his leg and that seemed to be enough for him to relax, his body seeming to sigh with relief. 

James ran his hand through Noah’s hair, letting himself feel the soft curls between his fingers. At the touch, Noah hummed, beginning to wake up. A small yawn fell from his lips as he snuggled his face further into the pillow. 

“Morning,” James smiled down at him. The younger boy lifted his face ever so slightly to blinked up at him, sleep still foremost in his eyes. 

“Why are you up there?” Noah muttered, not exactly a hello. James shifted himself, until they were face to face, his cheek against the pillow as he looked at him. Noah pressed a tired kiss to his mouth. “Much more accessible.”

“Happy anniversary.” 

Noah brushed his thumb over James’ bottom lip. “Happy anniversary.” 

His eyes fluttered shut for a moment and James let his close too. This was what he wanted forever and he didn’t need fate to tell him. He’d already made up his mind. 

“I’m going to marry you someday,” James told him when their eyes opened again. It was said with the most serious, most in-love tone he’d ever used. Noah blushed at the cadence of his voice, seeming to understand that it wasn’t just a throwaway comment. “You’re really it for me, Noah Olsen. Since day one.”

“You couldn’t have known,” Noah said with a shy smile and a slight disbelief. James thought back to that day and it was his most precious memory. The look in Noah’s eyes when they’d bumped into each other at the semi-formal meeting; the way they seemed to shine and the way they seemed to be looking at him as if he was the only one in the room. His lips had parted slightly as if he was seeing the most unbelievable thing-- no one had ever looked at James like that before. He’d had plenty of people take him in, and watch him with a distant interest. People had asked him out and given him phone numbers but maybe it felt like something more with Noah because James was also looking at him like that. They both looked like they were in love.

“I think I knew I’d love you forever.”

“Forever?”

“Your love is the kind you don’t recover from,” James replied honestly. He was sad to say that he’d thought that Noah would leave him many times. Each time, his mind would run through scenarios of what it would feel like without him. He didn’t like how broken and hollow just the thought of it made him. “I’d only ever teach myself to cope without it.”

“You won’t have to,” Noah assured him, touching his hand to the older boy’s cheek. “I plan on sticking around forever.”

And when he said it, James believed him. He waited for his thoughts to ruin it-- for his mind to find something small in the other boy’s eyes that was dishonest, but it didn’t. 

“I have something for you,” James announced softly, as he turned his face inward to kiss his palm. 

“We said no gifts,” Noah chided him lightly. 

“I don’t consider it a gift,” he countered in defence and Noah pressed his lips together, rolling his eyes half heartedly. James slipped out of bed, feeling the cool morning seep into his bare feet as he crossed the hardwood floor. 

Noah pushed himself to sit up, watching him with curiosity, as the older boy pulled the copy of Romeo and Juliet from off their bookshelf.

Behind it, he’d hidden a little black suede bag that he’d bought the other day with Adian. He’d meant it to be a Christmas gift but he didn’t want to wait any longer. Hiding it behind his back with one hand, he walked back to his waiting boyfriend. Only then did he notice that Noah was wearing James’ grey Queen shirt. It was another sign. 

“I promise,” James began carefully, as he moved to sit on the bed across from him. “I promise that I’m yours forever, however long that may be.” Noah was watching him closely, processing the words, his mind trying to think two steps ahead. 

James took the boy’s left hand and turned it palm up, the same palm he’d just kissed moments before. He gently emptied the little pouch onto it and a little silver band fell out. Engraved across the top of it read,  _ minute by minute _ . Two promises in one.

The younger boy looked up from it and met James’ eye; they were misty and glossed over by emotion that seemed to overcome him. 

“James…” his name came from his mouth like a whisper. 

“It’s a promise ring until that someday comes and I can replace it with a real wedding ring.” Noah fell silent. James picks it up gingerly, turning his hand over. He slipped it onto his ring finger-- a placeholder. 

Noah took James’ face in his hands and the older boy could feel the cool metal against his skin. It made his heart race.

“I love you,” Noah said before crashing their mouths together. James wrapped his arms around his back, feeling the warmth of his body against his fingers. 

“I love you,” James whispered as their lips were inches apart. “In every universe.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Very Last CANADIAN INDEX (in order of appearance)
> 
> Promise Rings: A tradition some couples choose to adhere to in which one or both partners is given a ring (commonly worn on the left ring finger or on a necklace) that symbolizes whatever promise the couple choses. Many are placeholders for engagement rings, some are for couples who don't want to get married, and some even symbolize a jump from casual to committed relationships. 
> 
> I will never say thank you enough for your kind words, encouragement, and support for Noah and James. Through writing James' season, they've become like my babies and you've all loved them so kindly. 
> 
> Thank you! <3 <3
> 
> Maybe in the near future I'll write some extra bonus stories about them because knowing me, I won't be able to stay a way from them forever


	23. Season 5 Soundtrack

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Skam Canada, Season 5: James (SOUNDTRACK)
> 
> Y'all I've never been prouder of a soundtrack. This soundtrack ELEVATES the entire season like you wouldn't believe. I worked so hard on culminating a perfect vibe for James and here it is! 
> 
> All bolded songs are Canadian! 
> 
> The link is below for you to listen to it and the list shows which episode each song belongs to!
> 
> Enjoy and let me know what you think<3

[Click Here For Youtube Playlist](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLK5p5b6ruMA5srB0iNptQRt6KElYoKp62)

Episode One: The Show Must Go On

  * Casualty (Lawrence)

  * **Josie (The Glorious Sons)**

  * **Therapy (Conro)**

  * Secrets (OneRepublic)




Episode Two: Seven Seas of Rhye

  * **1234 (Fiest)**

  * **Lavender (Ashleigh Ball)**

  * Apologize (OneRepublic)

  * **Savour (Dempsey Bolton)**




Episode Three: Now I’m Here

  * **Head Above Water (Avril Lavigne)**

  * Crazy (Gnarls Barkley)

  * Home (Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros)

  * My Mistake (Gabrielle Aplin)




Episode Four: A King Of Magic

  * On Top Of The World (Imagine Dragons)

  * I’ll Be Good (Jaymes Young)

  * Love Me Less (MAX ft. Quinn XCII) 




Episode Five: Princes of the Universe

  * When Creation Was Young (Joy Williams)

  * Maniac (Conan Gray)

  * Summertime Sadness (Lana Del Rey)

  * Ease Off (YNG Martyr)

  * Lose Control (MEDUZA)

  * They Own This Town (flora cash)




Episode Six: Another One Bites The Dust

  * Be Kind (Marshmello with Halsey)

  * **i drive me mad (renforshort)**

  * Difficult (Amy Allen)

  * Sugar, We’re Going Down (Fall Out Boys)

  * Hurts Like Hell (Fleurie)




Episode Seven: Keep Yourself Alive

  * Unsteady (X Ambassadors)

  * All I Want (Kodaline)

  * **Someone To Stay (Vancouver Sleep Clinic)**

  * White Roses (Greyson Chance)




Episode Eight: Love of My Life

  * **In My Blood (Shawn Mendez acoustic version)**

  * Falling (Trevor Daniel)

  * Don’t Forget About Me (CLOVES)

  * **Best Boy (JJ Wilde)**

  * Breaking Me (Topic)




Episode Nine: I Want It All

  * Little Talks (Of Monsters and Men)

  * Downward (Ripe)

  * This Is Me (The Greatest Showman)

  * scared (Jeremy Zucker)




Episode Ten: Friends Will Be Friends

  * Yellow (Coldplay)

  * Home (Phillip Phillips)

  * Best of You (Andy Grammer ft. Elle King)

  * Dynamite (BTS)

  * **Sk8er Boi (Avril Lavigne)**

  * Dance Monkey (Tones and I)

  * **Hold Me Like A Fire (Ruben and the Dark)**





	24. (Extras) June

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> JUNE 25th, 2021 || Noah Olsen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again! Did you miss me? I missed you all so much and it's only been a month! Welcome to "Extras" a series of 12 shorts told over the span of 12 months (June 2021-May 2022). Stories will be spilt between Noah and James' POV.
> 
> I was going to wait for another month to post but wtFock is really out here upsetting me and I think for those of you who watch, this might be able to cheer you up a bit!
> 
> Enjoy and please feel free to comment and let me know what you think about each extra! 
> 
> Lots of love and peace from Noah and James<3

Noah adjusted his black graduation cap resting awkwardly on the top of his head. Although the more he messed with it, the worse it started becoming. He was dressed in the matching black gown and the school colours of blue and silver were draped over his shoulders as a stole. They’d been organized according to last name, in long lines waiting to walk into the theatre hall that had been rented. Parents and guests were already inside waiting with their cameras, but Noah didn’t have anybody for him. His mother wasn’t able to come and his father hadn’t been invited. But to say there was no one for him, wasn’t technically true. Somewhere in the vast sea of people were Charlotte and Henry who’d come for James but Noah couldn’t help but feel happy they were there. James had been invited back to walk graduation and now he was standing somewhere ahead of him with the other ‘M’ names. 

Looking around he managed to catch Ben a few rows to his right. His best friend sent him a smile and he returned it. He wasn’t entirely nervous for the ceremony. He didn’t really care about the entire day except getting his hands on his diploma and never having to come back to high school. 

“Noah,” Mrs. Kan appeared at his side, holding a clipboard. “You’re in the wrong spot.”

“Um,” he began. “I’m pretty sure I come after Madaline.” Madaline, a girl that he’d never had class with, shared his last name. They only ever saw each other when they had to line up like this. 

“Mrs. Kan, he’s always behind me,” Maddie imputed with a nod in agreement. The teacher shook her head.

“Not today,” she tapped her paper. “Noah you need to move to the front of the line.”

“What? Why?”

“You’ve qualified for a scholarship.” 

“I did?” 

“Come on sweetie,” she motioned for him to walk ahead of her. “You can stand behind Arwa.” As he was led away from his spot, he finally found James who gave him a curious look. The younger boy shrugged. 

“Hey,” he said to his friend as he got moved behind her. Arwa turned to him with a smile that seemed to know more than it let on.

“This is the awards line up.”

“I know,” he said, unsure of his words. “But I didn’t apply for any scholarship.”

“You don’t have to. Teachers nominate you.”

“What teacher would have nominated me?”

“I don’t know,” she shrugged, but she did. “You’ll just have to see when they announce which award you got.”

“You know, don’t you?”

“Maybe.”

“Alright!” Principal Winston shouted, gathering their attention. “We’re about to begin! The awards will be given out first, then your diplomas. When your row is tapped on the shoulder, you will line up along the wall leading to the steps of the stage! You will write which school you are going to and what major you're studying on a slip of paper you’re given. Alright? Good. Let’s begin!” 

* * *

Noah wasn’t nervous until he had to be. The looming mystery about his award hovered over him as he waited in his seat next to Arwa. She took his hand, a curious show of affection for her, and squeezed it.

“Stop shaking,” she whispered to him. “If I tell you what it is, will you stop worrying so much?”

“Yes.”

“Too bad,” she mused. “Not happening,  _ best friend _ .”

“Seriously?”

“We’re five names away, you can wait.” And she was right. Five names went by and she left his side to be called next. He followed her and waited, knowing that there were eyes on him. She was called up for the  _ Women in Science _ scholarship and she smiled brightly as she crossed the stage to accept the white envelope. Shaking their principal's hand, she soon walked down the steps again. 

“Noah Olsen will be accepting the scholarship award for Excellence in the Sciences. Congratulations.” The walking across the stage was a blur. Henry taking a photo of him was blur. Shaking hands, and smiling, and meeting his science teacher’s eyes-- all blurs. 

It wasn’t until he sat back down, did he let it wash over him. 

“You knew,” he whispered to Arwa when she gave him a side hug. “How did you know?”

“Mrs. Patel asked me what you were going to be majoring in-- I told her you got into biology at UofT and she told me that she needed to know so she could qualify you for the award. I promised I wouldn’t say anything. Open it.”

Noah’s shaky hands peeled open the white legal sized envelope, pulling free a certificate and a small sheet of paper.  _ $1000 _

“That should cover all your textbooks,” she noted in a quiet voice, leaning in to see. “Maybe even some of second year’s.”

“I…” he put it away. “Did you say anything else to get me this?”

“Nope,” she smiled, honestly. “You work hard Noah. I give you shit constantly, but it’s only because you have so much potential. You earned this on your own.”

He looked over to her and realized how much he was going to miss her. “I’m going to miss you.”

“I can’t believe I’m saying this but,” she sighed. “I’m going to miss you too, Olsen.” He could see her tearing up a bit as she cleared her throat. “Shut up. I’ll be back for reading weeks and between semesters-- and now that James is talking to the guys again, I’m sure we’ll all hang out more.”

“You promise not to leave me for some other lazy guy in your science class? He might become your best friend and we can’t have that.”

“I promise,” she chuckled softly as they tried to keep their voices between themselves. “I promise that I won’t help any other loser study.”

“I’m taking that to the bank.”

“You do that.”

* * *

Once the entire four hour assembly was over, the graduates were ushered out and within a minute of being in the hall, he felt arms around him. 

“James!” he screeched as he was picked up and spun around. His boyfriend put him down, hugging him tightly. 

“You did it!” 

“ _ We _ did it.”

“I did it last December, this was all pleasantries,” he brushed off his accomplishment. “You got an award!” 

“I don’t know how, but I’m not going to question it too long,” he smiled. James kissed his cheek and before they knew it, Charlotte and Henry had found them.

“My boys!” she clapped her hands and pulled them into a hug. “Congratulations!” When she had let go of them, Henry got his hug in. “We have to go take pictures outside!” 

Charlotte took James’ arm and began pulling him towards the front doors, as he laughed at her enthusiasm. Henry patted Noah on the shoulder as they followed them out into the uncrowned outdoors. 

“I took a lot of photos for you mother,” Henry told him, leaning closer to his ear. “You pick which ones you want me to print.”

“Thank you,” Noah looked up at him. “You didn’t have to.” His boyfriend’s father looked offended by that.

“Of course I did. This is a big accomplishment, Noah. You deserve to have memories of it.”

He looked down at his feet. The way that Henry cared about him always made him miss how his own father used to be when he was younger. Robert hadn’t always been the asshole he was today and in all honesty, Noah didn’t know what had changed him so brutally. But he missed the supportive smiles and pats on the back. The way he’d come to Noah’s soccer games when he was in grade three. It was like the person he was now, wasn’t the same person as who he was back then.

“Um,” Noah began before they reached James and Charlotte. “Thank you for…”

“The photos?”

“Everything,” he corrected. “You and Charlotte don’t have to be so nice to me but you are. I know you came today for James but it means a lot to me too.”

“We’d be here even if Jamie wasn’t walking the stage,” Henry told him. “You’ve become a part of our family.” 

“Oh, Noah!” Charlotte waved them over. “Come take a photo!” Henry squeezed his shoulder. 

“If you don’t go now we’ll all be late for our dinner reservations and you know how Jamie gets when he’s hungry.” Noah laughed, the sound pushing back the tears that had been welling in his eyes. 

“I’ve learned to just bring granola bars everywhere,” Noah explained humorously. Henry joined him in a laugh before shooing him on his way. 

James opened his arms for Noah to step into them as Charlotte fiddled with the camera. “What were you two laughing about?”

“You and how hangry you get,” Noah told him honestly. James rolled his eyes.

“They haven’t seen ‘hangry’ until they’ve seen your grumpy ass in the morning.”

“You haven’t even moved in yet and you’ve already started with me.”

“I think it’s cute when you’re cranky.” Noah hit his shoe with his foot. “Adorable.”

“Alright, you two!” Charlotte smiled at them, with Henry by her side. “Say ‘cheese’!” 

Noah looked up at James whose arms were wrapped around his waist as he faced forward. His boyfriend was looking at the camera, the happiest expression on his face and Noah couldn't help but share it. Turning his face to the camera, he matched James' grin.

“Cheese.”


	25. (Extras) July

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> JULY 5th, 2021 || Noah Olsen

Noah was standing in the doorway, unpacked cardboard boxes scattered around him as he stared out at his bedroom-- their bedroom. His undeniable happiness was written all over his face; bolded, highlighted, and circled in red pen. After all the shit the universe had put him through these past few years, he felt like this was his consolation prize. And he was more than okay with that. 

A kiss was pressed to the side of his neck, a familiar pair of arms wrapping around him. James rested his chin on Noah’s shoulder, the mess of clothes and books that still needed to be dealt with at their feet.

“Did they go?” he asked his boyfriend. The older boy hummed, the sound sending a trill down his spine.

“About time,” James mused. “I thought they would never leave.”

“They’re going to miss you.”

“They say that now, until they realize that they have the whole place to themselves. I’m going to find my room turned into a gym.”

There was a silent moment of reflection as they looked ahead. It was as if, in the peaceful calm, their future passed before their eyes like a flicker of a projection. The early mornings and the late nights. The sick days and the cold winters. The sweet memories and the bitter ones.

“It’s an adventure,” James whispered in his ear, as if he knew what Noah was thinking. Noah tilted his head to see his face; the sweet smile and the deep green eyes that looked at him with fondness. 

“Best one yet,” Noah muttered as he kissed him affectionately. 

“We didn’t think this through,” the boys heard Elijah say. They broke away, turning their heads to see him and Lynn watching them from the end of the hall. “Now we’re really going to have to invest in a jar.”

“Did you hear that, baby?” Noah joked along. “They think a jar will stop us.”

“They wish,” James kissed his cheek. 

* * *

That night, as everyone else sat in the living room, Noah found himself wandering back to his bedroom in search of something. He crossed the floor to the bookshelf that had been added next to his desk. It was full of his boyfriend’s books, all their spines organized in a very specific way that Noah didn’t understand. But his eyes scanned them all, in hopes of finding a specific one. He wondered if James had brought it or left it at home with his other books. 

Catching sight of it, he reached up on his toes and pulled it from its place. He ran his hand over the cover with a gentle touch.

“This is going to be fun,” Elijah spoke as he walked into the room, throwing himself on the bed. He let out a groan of comfort as he sunk into the blanket. “Like one big slumber party every night.”

“Yup,” Noah replied, his attention still focused on the book.

“What’s that?” He glanced over to his roommate who was nodding at his hands. Noah reshelved the play carefully like it was a precious artifact being returned to its display.

“Romeo and Juliet.”

Elijah knew what that meant— all this reminiscing of memories. It meant that Noah was thinking a little too hard, worrying a little too much. 

“Come have a talk with me, Cupcake,” Elijah patted the spot next to him. With a feigned annoyance, Noah walked over to him and tossed himself down onto the mattress. They laid shoulder to shoulder, staring up at the ceiling in a moment of silence. 

“I feel like this has been the only good thing lately,” Noah confessed to his guru, resting his laced fingers on his stomach. “After everything that’s happened, I just need this to work out.”

“Living together or the relationship?” Noah didn’t answer. “There’s this girl in my program that dated this guy for two months and then they got married,” he began. “I think they just celebrated their ten year anniversary-- she’s an older student… I think like thirty?” 

“Okay…” Noah said. 

“I asked her how they managed to work out, because me and my single ass wanted to know the secret,” Elijah gave a small laugh at himself. “She said there wasn’t one. That they just both felt so strongly about each other that they didn’t need to think about it. They each want to be with each other so much that they just kind of worked out. Because they put the time and effort and emotion into lasting. Relationships tend to fall apart because either one or both people stop caring enough to try. A fire dies out eventually if you don’t tend to it.”

“Thanks,” Noah gave him a small smile as they turned their faces inwards.

“I’m proud of you, you know?” 

“Why?” Elijah flickered his eyes back up above them. 

“Because you’ve changed,” he replied before adding, “You’re still a little demon but you’re different.” Noah nudged his leg with his foot. 

“I’m not that different.”

“Are you kidding me?” his roommate gaped. “You’ve changed, and I’m not just talking about how you smell much better-- which might I add is the greatest thing James has ever done for me. Lord you were unbearable before.” He kicked him a little harder this time. “You wouldn’t even admit to me that you had a crush on a boy. If I had told you back in October that you would be moving in with your boyfriend and you’d be kissing him and holding his hand in public without shame, I think you would have punched me.”

“Probably,” Noah didn’t deny it, but there was a sadness to the fact. 

“I like this new Noah. It’s a much more tolerant evolution than your last.” Noah kicked him again. “You little monster! I bruise easily and my calves are my sexiest feature.” 

Elijah reached above his head and grabbed a pillow. Noah raised his arms to his face as it came crashing down on him. 

“Well,” James' voice came from the doorway, amusement seeped in his tone. “This is not what I expected to find.”

“Elijah’s trying to smother me,” Noah told him as he got smacked with the pillow again. Elijah slipped off the bed with a humph, tossing the weapon back into its place. 

“He’s all yours, James. Although, he’s on a kicking spree. I’d watch your ankles if I were you.” The college boy clasped James’ shoulder as he left the room.

“What was that all about?” he asked, closing the door with a laugh. Noah ran a hand over his face as he collapsed onto his back again.

“He’s pissy cause I kicked his legs like three times.”

“... Why?” His boyfriend looked both intrigued and like he didn’t want to know at the same time. 

“Because he kept insulting me,” Noah huffed as James came to sit down next to him. “I think he broke my nose again.” The older boy leaned over his body, hovered over his face in inspection before dropping a kiss on the tip of his nose.

“I think you’re being a baby.” 

“Already taking his side over mine? I should have seen it coming.” 

“What were you two doing before you got so  _ brutally and maliciously attacked _ ?”

“Thank you,” Noah huffed, pleased. “We were having our monthly guru check in.” 

James raised his brow, obviously having not expected that to be his answer. “A what?”

Noah rolled his eyes. “Elijah is my self-proclaimed ‘guru’ and he insists on checking in with me once a month for ‘Cupcake and Guru Time’.”

“I…” James didn’t know what to say to him. Noah lifted his hand and patted his cheek.

“Don’t worry about it, I’m sure ‘Muffin and Guru Time’ will be added to the family calendar.” 

James shook his head at the thought, a smile pulling at the corners of his mouth. 

“I’ll be looking forward to it.” 

From outside the room, they could hear Elijah shouting in excitement and Noah thought he could hear Isla and William’s voices through the commotion. 

“There is never a quiet moment in this place,” Noah chuckled. James bent forward and caught his lips, kissing him sweetly. The younger boy placed his hand on the back of his neck, his thumb running over his skin with a light touch. But before their kiss could deepen, a knock came at their door. 

“You two have one second before I come in!” William shouted. Both boys broke apart with a groan turning to find Will busting open their door. Isla was with him and the two were grinning like happy idiots.

“It’s family game night, bitches!” The blond announced loudly. 

“And we brought champagne and cake!” Isla announced with a grin. “Non-alcoholic because you--” she pointed at Noah “-- young man are still eighteen.”

“I do drink,  _ mom _ ,” he told her with a smirk. She flipped him off as William covered her ears. 

“I got alcoholic too.” She shook him off with a half hearted annoyance.

“You’re an abeder, William,” she told him, jabbing her finger into his chest. “Don’t encourage him.”

“Living room in five minutes,” Will warned them with a stern look, holding up his splayed fingers. “Or else you two forfeit.” With that, William and Isla left their doorway shouting something about crushing the couple at charades. 

Noah sat up with a laugh, hugging James from behind. He kissed his cheek, letting his lips linger slightly as he whispered,

“Welcome home, baby.”


	26. (Extras) August

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> AUGUST 15th and 20th, 2021 || James Min

“I think you should go,” Noah told him as he folded a hoodie and it into a drawer. It used to be James’ but after he moved in, his clothes became Noah’s and Noah’s became his. James was sitting on the bed, his legs crossed as he tossed another loose shirt to his boyfriend. 

“I don’t know,” he sighed, watching Noah put the other article of clothing away. “What if you came with me?”

“Baby,” he smiled at him with a sympathetic expression, leaning his hands behind him on the dresser. “I don’t think you can bring me on your guy trip.”

“But you’re a guy.”

“Well aware,” he laughed. “But I’m your boyfriend. No one else is bringing their girlfriend.”

“‘Cause they’re all still single, except Sami.” Noah pressed his lips together, trying to not roll his eyes at James’ feigned stupidity.

“James, you don’t have to go,” he reminded him. “You’ve just started talking to them all again, no ones expecting you to go on a weekend trip with them.”

“I know.”

“But I think if you’re willing to do it,” he added, shutting the drawer. “Then I think it’ll be good for you all to talk and hang out.”

“What if it goes horribly.”

“Then I’ll come get you,” Noah shrugged. “Elijah will let me borrow his car if I have to.”

“What if I…” his sentence trailed off but his boyfriend understood. He could see Noah’s feet move towards him as he casted his eyes to the ground. He knelt down on the ground, folding his arms on the foot of the bed as he caught the older boy’s gaze again. 

“Minute by minute,” he told him softly. “You can’t think like that. You’re taking your medication, and you’ve been feeling good, right?”

“Yeah, but--”

“It doesn’t matter,” he nodded. “I know. It fucking sucks that it doesn’t, but you can’t control it. Just like you can’t predict it-- it works both ways baby. It might come but it might not. Let’s think about the latter, yeah?”

“What if I can’t get up?”

“You give Adian my phone number, okay? I will come up and I will take care of you.”

“You sure you don’t want to come along?”

“I don’t think I’ll fit in your bag, Romeo.” James huffed a laugh and Noah smiled at him. He ran a hand over his leg with a supportive touch. “It’ll only be for three days.”

* * *

James kept questioning whether this whole thing was _truly_ a good idea. Even when Adian unlocked the front door to his family cottage in Wasaga, he was thinking over his choice to come. But it was only an hour and half from Toronto and Noah’s voice was echoing in the back of his mind with an encouraging tone. 

“This place never changes,” Adian coughed as they walked into the small house a block or so from the beach. James looked around the place as Sami, Ali, and Rafik all joined him in a line in the entrance. It was _just_ how they left it. 

“It just becomes dustier,” Ali commented, noting the collection of it on the nearby table. 

“Nothing a little Swiffering can’t do,” Sami patted the shorter boy’s shoulder. “Afraid of a little cleaning Halil?”

“Well the girls came up, right?” James asked his… best friend? They were definitely starting to get back to that but they weren’t there just yet. 

“Yeah for a weekend,” he nodded his head, settling his backpack onto the ground. “Never thought my mom would let that happen.” The gang hadn’t been up to the cottage themselves since March 2020 when they’d all gone up to get away for the school break. 

“Well boys,” Rafik spoke up for the first time in a while. “I don’t feel like cleaning the entire weekend so let’s get this show on the road.”

* * *

Adian had dragged James out to the grocery store a few minutes away while the other three cleaned the house, or attempted to make it livable for the next few days. James looked out the window as they passed a group of teenagers with their swim gear heading towards the water. 

“I’m glad you decided to come up,” Adian broke the silence, keeping his eyes on the road. “I’ve really missed you.”

“I wasn’t going to.”

“I know,” he said, and James casted his attention over to him. He had his left elbow rested on the open driver side window, while he stirred with his right hand. “You forget that I can read you, J.”

“I’m not the same anymore.”

“I know that too,” he said, chancing a look over at him. James couldn’t see his eyes through the sunglasses so he couldn’t tell what he was thinking. “But I think it’s good that you’re here.”

“Ugh,” James vocalized, looking back out the window. “Noah said the same shit.”

“Yeah, probably. He seems like a smart guy and I’m almost fucking postive he wouldn’t like hearing his name and ‘ugh’ in the same sentence.”

“Not with that inflection,” James teased. It was the most light-hearted thing he’d said all day. 

“Bruh,” Adian punched him in the arm without looking, a smirk on his lips. There was a less awkward silence that followed, and James felt himself feeling even slightly comfortable. It was different when it was just the two of them-- it felt more like old times.

With Ali, he was always cautious around James as if he didn’t know how to talk to him anymore. 

Rafik avoided him for periods of time, afraid of a looming conversation they’d yet to have. 

And Sami was just trying to get all his friends back together. He was really the most unproblematic, and always had been. 

“Is it weird that Arwa is dating Sami?” he asked Adian eventually. The other boy shrugged, tipping his head side to side.

“It’s… no, not that weird. I mean, you saw those two.” James hummed in acknowledgement. “I think I knew she liked him and that he was into her. She’s a good person and so is he. There are worse guys she could have been with.”

“Ali.”

“Fuck, I wouldn’t let him near my little sister,” he laughed in agreement. “Sometimes I wonder if his brain is attached to his mouth or if his dick is leading the conversation.” James snorted at the accuracy. 

“Do you remember when he tried to hit up Alison?” James recalled the memory from grade eleven.

“I thought she was going to punch him!” Adian nodded along enthusiastically. “I was actually disappointed he didn’t get clocked in the face.”

“Sami sent him that link afterwards.”

“On how to talk to women,” Adian shook his head at it all.

“Has he gotten better?” His friend peered over his sunglasses to send him a look when they stopped at a red light. “I had some hope, Adi, sue me.”

“Zero hope, J. ZERO hope for him. I wonder if there’s another link we could send him.”

“A ‘how not to put your foot in your mouth’ video?”

“A ‘how not to offend a woman in three easy steps’.”

There was a pause. “Do you think Rafik will ever talk to me again?” James blurted out, the question eating away at him. Adian shifted in his seat. 

“I think he’s just embarrassed about how he reacted to the whole thing.”

“I don’t know if he wants me here.”

“It’s been a year, he can suck it up,” Adian told him firmly. “I want my best friend here, so if his feelings are hurt he can go be pissy in a corner.”

“Really showing your bias there, Adi.”

“You and me first, man. Since grade seven.” He held out his fist and James bumped it. 

* * *

“You were right,” James began the phone call when Noah picked up. Although he couldn’t see his boyfriend, he knew that he was smiling.

“You’re having fun?”

“Sorta,” he answered. James was standing on the rear balcony of the house, leaned against the railing. Beyond the other row of houses, he could the water washing up the shore in calm waves. It was humid tonight, the evening sky falling slowly into night while the air hung sticky and hot. Inside the cottage wasn’t any better and he definitely missed the airconditioning of their apartment. 

“Sorta?” Noah repeated the single word. He shrugged even though the other boy wasn’t able to see him. 

“I think it’s good that I’m here, but ‘fun’ isn’t the right word.”

“But I don’t need to come rescue you just yet?”

“No,” he laughed. “I think it’ll be okay. I don’t need a knight on a white horse yet.”

“Hate to break it to you, but it’d be me in a Toyota.” He rolled his eyes at the stupid joke, but he’d missed how easy it was to talk to someone. Here, he was constantly worried that he’d say something wrong but with Noah, he didn’t feel like that. “What are the guys doing?”

“Watching a movie.”

“You didn’t have to call me,” Noah assured him. “You can go back and watch.”

“I just had to make sure you weren’t missing me too much.”

“I think Lynn misses you more. Without you here, she feels ganged up against.” James chuckled, running his fingers through his hair.

“Try not to be a sarcastic dick to her too much.”

“You just described my entire personality,” Noah joked. Then there was a pause. “I do miss you, though. We’ve slept next to each other for almost two months… it’s different.”

“Well, try and get some sleep.” His boyfriend hummed. “I’ll be home soon.”

“You should go back to your movie,” he was told. 

“I should, but do I want to?”

“Love you, Romeo,” Noah’s smile came through in his voice. “Night.”

“Love you too.” James hung up the phone, holding it in his hands for a minute as he stared out at the lake. 

“Your mom?” Rafik’s voice came from over his shoulder. He turned to see him. The boy had his hands in the pockets of his shorts and as he walked over to stand near him, his flip flops clicked against the deck. 

“Uh, no,” James replied. “Noah.” Although he’d begun hanging out with the guys again, he and Rafik had never spoken alone.

“Ah,” he said, stretching his arms out along the railing. He drew them back in, resting his forearms on the wooden surface. James noticed how his skin glowed copper with the evening sunset and he remembered why he’d found him attractive. There was a hypnotic way about his beauty that made you stare for a while as if trying to take it all in. He pulled his gaze away, focusing it back on the scenery. 

They stood in an awkward tension that was almost as thick as the August heat. James was normally a patient person, but he could feel his mind racing in circles in the silence. 

“So…?” he prompted him to start. Rafik licked his lips, casting a quick look at him from the corner of his eye. 

“I wanted to apologize,” he stated. “I acted… horribly last year.” James turned his phone in his hands, fidgeting with the device. “I know it’s weird between us. I don’t know how to fix that but I want to.”

James didn’t know how to fix it either. He didn’t know what he wanted him to do. He just wanted them to forget it all happened and go back to normal, but he also knew that they couldn’t do that. 

“Why were you so angry with me when I kissed you?”

Rafik hadn’t expected James to ask him that, and so his shoulders tightened. He was like a statue cut from marble in all sense of the simile-- he was beautifully carved, but ridged like stone. 

“You’ve read the Quran,” he finally answered. “It’s a sin.” It was _this_ idea that made Noah hide away for years; that even though the boy knew it wasn’t wrong, he’d heard too often that it was.

“It also says that no person should be judged.” 

“I don’t judge you,” Rafik defended himself. “I never have and I never will. If you want to be with a boy, then you can be. But there is a difference between supporting and being the one forced to sin yourself.”

“You know that I would never force you to kiss me,” James felt the words leave a bitter, acidic taste in his mouth. “I was manic. I didn’t realize what I was doing.”

“You still did it.”

“And it’s my fault?” James felt like he’d spoken too soon about not needing Noah to come get him. 

“I never said that,” Rafik fired back. “What I meant is that if you had told us what you were going through, it could have been preventable. This whole thing could have been preventable.”

“Are you saying that because you care about me or because you feel pity for yourself.”

“Of course I care about you. I don’t care about the kiss anymore. I’m just worried about you.”

“Well don’t be,” James snapped back. “I don’t need you to be worried about me.”

“I’m your friend. I will be whether or not you need me too. I shouldn’t have shouted at you that night. It was obvious that you weren’t doing well. You were acting weird and strange all day. I’m just pissed off that I didn’t notice sooner.”

James sighed, hanging his head. “I just want to forget about it all.”

“We don’t have to talk about it anymore,” Rafik offered, about to place a hesitant hand on his shoulder but deciding against it. “I just want you to know that, I’m not upset with you or anything.”

“I thought you couldn’t stand me.”

“I was never upset with you-- maybe in the moment I was, but afterwards I was more upset with myself.”

“I’m ready to move on from this all,” James announced to him. “I just want to go back to the way things were.”

“So do I. So come on, before Sami makes us watch some rom-com after this movie’s done.”

“I’ll be in in a sec.” Raf nodded, giving him a smile before ducking back into the house through the screen door. James let out a deep breath, closing his eyes for a moment. 

> **NOAH 💘💘**
> 
> William’s trying to convince the fam to play monopoly next game night and I think I’d rather eat dirt

James looked down at his lit up screen, his lips twitching upwards. It was as if Noah knew he needed to be distracted for a moment. 

> **NOAH 💘💘**
> 
> They won’t let me cast your vote
> 
> **NOAH 💘💘**
> 
> This is facisim 
> 
> **NOAH 💘💘**
> 
> Pls tell the gc that you don’t want to play Satan’s fucking game

James laughed at the string of text messages from his boyfriend as he unlocked his phone. 

> **MESSAGE to “Don’t trust the bitches in apartment 784”**
> 
> I love monopoly
> 
>   
>    
> 
> 
> **NOAH 💘💘**
> 
> I’m changing the locks. 
> 
> **ELIJAH**
> 
> He’s not joking Muffin. He’s on Canadian Tire’s website rn
> 
> **WILLIAM**
> 
> James knows where it’s at
> 
> **WILLIAM**
> 
> Monopoly’s a banger 
> 
> **NOAH 💘💘**
> 
> Monopoly is TRASH and you know it is Will
> 
> **ME**
> 
> Monopoly is a classic family game

> **NOAH 💘💘**
> 
> Ik ur doing this on purpose so 🖕

> **ME**
> 
> Love you too bb 😘

> **LYNN**
> 
> Stop texting the gc!!

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CANADIAN INDEX (in order of appearance)
> 
> Wasaga Beach: It's a town on the southern end of Georgian Bay. Everyone seems to have a cottage there or in Muskoka.
> 
> Swiffering: A popularized verb that just means 'dusting' referring to the cleaning company 'Swiffer'
> 
> Canadian Tire: A Canadian retail store that sells hardware things amongst other stuff


	27. (Extras) September

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SEPTEMBER 17th 2021 || Noah Olsen

It was family game night and the loft had an almost peacefulness to it, so much so that Noah had thought nothing could go wrong. He was sitting on the sofa next to Isla, as William and James sat on the ground across from them. At the ends of the table, Lynn and Elijah were facing one another as the evening went on. 

The game was a simple one. It paired them up into 'couples' and forced them to answer questions about the other person. If you were right, you both moved a space. If you were wrong, you moved back one. So far Noah and James were in the lead, their ability to communicate in looks coming in handy. Technically it wasn’t cheating.

“Player one’s first kiss,” William read off of the card, before tossing it face up on the table for everyone to see. Noah sat back victoriously, as James, without hesitation, wrote down the answer. They were so close to winning that this should put them in an unbeatable state. He couldn’t wait to rub it in William’s face. The blond had only won last week only because of a fluke. 

After a minute, Elijah had managed to know Lynn’s, moving them further up. William had known Isla’s and then James confidently turned the board.  _ Me _ , it read. 

Noah turned his to show James’ name written across in black erasable marker.

“What?” William protested. “You kissed people before him!”

“You made out with Sara,” Isla began. “And that other girl, and I’m sure you probably kissed some others in middle school.”

“You never specified what kind of first kiss,” Noah countered, strategically. “James was my first  _ actual _ kiss. I don’t count those others. Alright, move us up one.”

“This is so unfair,” William muttered, shifting the couple’s figure up a spot. “That’s too easy.”

“I think it’s cute,” Elijah said, who at this point had accepted the boys’ victory. “That you were each other’s first boy kiss. It’s sweet.”

“Noah wasn’t mine,” James clarified. “Unfortunately.”

“Do you remember who it was?” Isla asked, taking a sip of her wine. 

“Rafik,” Noah said at the same time that James replied, “Micheal.” The youngest boy whipped his head around to stare at his boyfriend, confused. 

“Ooh,” William mused, his lips pressing together. “Damn, and the champions fall!” Isla kicked his leg from under the table where he had them extended.

“Micheal?” Noah said, tilting his head. “Who’s Micheal?” 

James seemed unphased by his boyfriend’s attitude, but there was something in his eye that said he was preparing for things to escalate. 

“He was just some guy I knew,” James answered, running his fingers through his hair. 

“When?”

“A while ago.”

“Before Jessica?”

“We were on a break.”

“Hm,” Noah hummed, his jaw clenched. “And where did you meet  _ some _ guy?”

“I met him in those Korean lessons my parents put me in.”

“I thought you quit those before high school?”

“I did,” James replied with a shrug. “But I ran into him again while I was on a break with Jessica.”

“Did you two date?” 

“I wouldn’t call it dating.”

Noah narrowed his eyes at him, and something in his boyfriend’s gaze gave it away. They never failed to read each other’s thoughts.  _ He slept with him _ .  _ He was his first guy. _

“Him?” Noah blanched coming to the realization. James sighed, leaning back on his hands, closing his eyes for a moment.

“Yes.”

“Seriously?” Noah couldn’t believe he’d never told him. 

“What do you want me to say, Noah?” He was right, Noah didn’t even know what he was expecting him to say. 

“How old were you?” he continued questioning, feeling all his insecurities beginning to rise back to the surface. They hadn’t gone away since their conversation back in the Spring, but they had subsided. Now, though, with this new information, Noah felt just like he did when he’d seen James’ reaction to Rafik. It wasn’t even jealousy at this point-- it was a gnawing feeling that he wasn’t good enough. It seemed to follow him everywhere he went.

James was replying easily, knowing that Noah’s insecurities only required answers. He’d tell him everything he wanted to know.

“I was seventeen,” James answered. 

“And him?”

“I don’t know,” he thought about it. “Eighteen? He couldn’t have been older.”

“Do you still talk to him?” The bubbling feeling in his chest was starting to feel like acid. He’d completely forgotten that they’d been in the middle of a game. He’d completely forgotten that other people were in the room. 

“No,” James shook his head. “I didn’t even follow him on Instagram at that point or anything. It was just a coincidence I ran into him and yeah it just kind of all happened.”

“Why didn’t you tell me? You tell me everything,” Noah felt his voice soften. He no longer cared about  _ Micheal _ . Now he cared about why James kept it from him. 

“Honestly?” James began. “Because I completely forgot about him until now. I kind of just black it out. It was a stupid thing that I did when I was younger and I’m not the proudest of it.” Noah searched his eyes. James didn’t really have a ‘tell’ when he lied-- it wasn’t an obvious one if any. He didn’t bite his lip or avert his gaze. His voice didn’t rise in pitch. If he knew he had to lie, he could do it and well, but Noah found that it only worked for other people. He’d cave with the younger boy; his honesty written in his eyes.

Noah’s shoulders relaxed. 

“Okay,” he nodded, believing him. They shared a smile from across the table. 

“I refuse to play any more of these ‘communication’ games,” William huffed, being a sore loser. “Might as well forfeit with these two.”

“So you forfeit?” James asked William with a smirk.

“Hell no,” he fired back, sitting up straight. “We play until the end.”

* * *

They were lying in bed, everyone having gone to their rooms and back to their apartment after the game. Noah was staring up at the ceiling, his mind not having left the conversation he’d had with James. 

“There’s something else,” the older boy commented in the silence of the pitch black.

“Huh?”

“Something else is bothering you,” he clarified, turning onto his side to face him. 

“I’m okay.”

“What is it?” He felt James reach out and brush his fingers through his hair. He debated whether it was worth telling James or not; whether it was worth acknowledging his thoughts out loud.

“Jessica called me a whim once,” he revealed, his voice distant as he remembered that heartbreaking day in the cold November blizzard. It may have been almost a year ago, but Noah still remembered it like it was yesterday. 

“She what?”

“She’d said, I was nothing but a whim to you… I understand why now.” In the dark, he couldn’t see his boyfriend’s reaction, but it didn’t matter. He wasn’t looking at him anyway. 

“You were never a whim, Noah,” he assured with a firm tone. 

“Everytime you were with a guy-- Micheal, Rafik--- they were whims of being on and off again with her. When she saw me, she thought the same thing: that I was another impulsive decision to spite her.”

“Noah,” he tried again. “You are not a whim.”

He finally turned his head to face him, his cheek pressing into the pillow. There was only so much his eyes could make out in the night, but it was enough for him to feel the honesty.

“I know, but it still hurts.”

“Why?” 

“Because,” he sighed. “It makes me think about what would have happened if I was one. I could have easily been Micheal or Rafik.”

“Not possible,” James told him. “I never felt anything with them, but with you? From the first time I saw you, I felt things for you. You were never going to be a random hook up, Noah.”

“In some universe I probably am.”

“In that universe it only starts off that way,” James corrected. “I probably see you across the bar looking all hot in those skinny jeans.” Noah blushed, remembering the look his boyfriend would give him everytime he wore them. “And I go up to you really smooth and buy you a drink. We’d go home together, have mind blowingly great sex and I’d think, ‘damn I can’t leave this’. So I’d stay in the morning and I’d find out how funny you are and how big of a nerd you are. I’d learn that you’re just sarcastic and mouthy because you’re afraid to be vulnerable in front of people, especially those you don’t know. I’d fall in love with your smile and your laugh and the way you run your fingers through your hair when you’re nervous. We’d be together forever.”

“It’s that simple.”

“That simple,” James nodded. “I told you way back when I promposed to you that I’d be happy to to remind you how much I love you.”

Noah leaned forward a bit, touching their foreheads together. “You’re too good to me, James Min.”

“Nope,” he replied. “I am the bare minimum of what you deserve.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too,” he smiled, wrapping Noah in his arms and pulling him close. He yawned, making the younger boy as well. He rested his face against his chest, letting his eyes flutter shut with exhaustion. James held him with warm, familiar arms that never seemed to let go. It was relaxing. 

“Goodnight, baby,” he whispered, his voice barely audible as he sighed it into his shirt. James hummed, and Noah let himself drift to sleep in a reassuring blanket of trust.


	28. (Extras) October

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> OCTOBER 10th, 2021 || Noah Olsen

It was a peaceful Sunday afternoon in early October. The leaves had already begun to fall to the ground and snow forecasts were going to become inevitable soon. Outside may have been cold, but inside the apartment it was warm and cozy. 

Noah and James had the place to themselves as Lynn and Elijah had gone home for the Thanksgiving weekend, but they still chose to stay in their room. James was laying in thought, staring out the window, his chest rising and falling softly. Noah was up against the headboard going through his biology notes debating whether or not he should drop out of university before his first semester was even over. There was a calm silence between them; the only sounds were of the wind howling outside and the pages of Noah’s papers flipping. 

“Do you ever just… want to break up?” Noah’s fingers froze as the question hung in the air. He whipped his head to the side in order to look down at his boyfriend, but James didn’t speak further. Noah’s mouth was dry as he processed the serious tone of the older boy’s voice; this wasn’t a playful comment.

“... do you?” he asked slowly as he watched the other boy carefully. James tipped his head up to meet his eye.

“No.” Noah felt all the air in his lungs return as his shoulders relaxed. He hadn’t noticed that he’d stopped breathing as he waited for an answer. He swallowed at the relief. “But…” 

Noah wanted to know more than anything where this ‘but’ was going.  _ But I did at some point. But I might want to. But it might happen.  _ Noah needed him to finish his sentence before he passed out from lack of oxygen. 

“...don’t you ever wonder what it’d be like with other people?” 

“Babe,” Noah started slowly, his chest strained. “I get that this might be a very deep thought for you but you’re going to have to get to the point before I start thinking you want to break up with me.” 

“What?” James sat up, turning his body slightly to face him. “I’m not breaking up with you.” 

Noah felt the blood rush back to his brain as he pressed the pads of his fingers to his forehead to alleviate the sudden stress induced headache he got. “Okay, so what is the point?”

“The point is,” James began, choosing his words with more consideration. “I’ve been with other people before so I know you’re all I want, but you haven’t. I’m your first everything-- don’t you ever wonder what else is out there?”

“Not really,” Noah shrugged, dropping his hand from his face.

“Not even a bit?”

“I feel like you’re disappointed that I haven’t,” Noah said, looking at him oddly. “What brought this up?” 

“Dr. Weston,” James sighed, running his fingers through his hair. “It came up today and I’ve been thinking about it ever since.”

“Is it really bothering you this much?” 

“I guess,” he sighed. “I just… I wouldn’t blame you if you did.” 

“But I love  _ you _ ,” Noah explained. 

“That doesn’t matter.”

Noah studied him for a moment before shutting his book and placing it on his bedside table, his pen tucked like a bookmark between the pages.

“Look at me.” James did. “I am happy with you. I am not exploring other options secretly-- nor do I want to. I love you and it does matter.”

“I just don’t want you to regret not experiencing other people.”

“You know,” Noah smiled, changing tactics when his last didn’t work. “I think the guys are a little jealous of me.”

“Huh?” James questioned, not seeing the point of the conversation switch. 

“I don’t think they’ll ever admit it, but I can see it sometimes. Thomas has gone through like… three relationships, each lasting like a week. Ben dated Ingrid, and Ella, and Mackenzie, and then that weird flirty relationship back with Ella, and then that girl across the hall at Western. Logan’s sucked face with… oh, I don’t know at least double digits before getting cuffed by Sophia. My mom said that she dated my dad for like six years before getting married-- and we both know how that turned out. You dated Jessica for like four years and a few others in between your on and off stint--” James looked down at his hands, “-- but the point is,” Noah tilted his face back up. “The point is, I’m the fucking luckest person. I didn’t have to go through shitty one night stands, and mundane relationships, and soul crushing divorces to find you. I woke up one day and there you were. I don’t want to break up with you and go live through boring, useless waste of time relationships when I know you’re it.

“I’m not leaving you James. I don’t want to leave you. I don’t want anybody else. I’m good where I am, I promise you that. Okay?”

“Okay,” James agreed, his lips twitching upwards again. Sometimes the older boy’s darker, self-loathing thoughts crept into his mind on a normal, calm Sunday, but Noah didn’t mind shooing them off because the smile at the end was always worth it. He knew that it would always be like this; it was a song he’d always have to dance to. James couldn’t help it sometimes and Noah hated that his mind never let him be happy with no strings attached, but if being with him meant having to reassure him everyday, then that’s just what he’d do.


	29. (Extras) November

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> NOVEMBER 6th, 2021 || James Min

His name was Eric and James hated him. From across the room, he could see the marketing business major with his head inclined as he spoke to Noah-- his smile radiant enough to be blinding. His eyes kept trailing down the younger boy’s body like he was window shopping and James felt a knot in his stomach. 

Noah was nodding along with something he said, lifting his beer bottle to his mouth to drink. James was about to throw hands as the other guy watched Noah’s lips with too much attention. 

“Bro,” Logan commented, appearing at James’ side with a shake of his head. It was the blond boy’s birthday (or it was on the 1st of the month), his girlfriend Sophia having thrown him this party to celebrate his turning eighteen. As an aspiring wedding planner, Sophia took it upon herself to host and plan the entire event as some sort of self-appointed challenge. She’d managed to succeed in James eyes, that was until he saw Eric and then he thought she could use some practice on narrowing down her invite lists.  _ Maybe don’t invite a Greek god to Logan’s party.  _ “Just go say something.”

“I can’t,” James told him, as he burned a hole in the side of Eric’s head. “Noah can talk to whoever he wants.”

“Yeah, but have you met Noah?” Thomas seemed to materialize out of nowhere, adjusting his glasses. “He’s oblivious to flirting, especially now that he’s with you.”

“It’s fine,” James choked out, despite the tight feeling suffocating him. “It’s not like he’s going to leave me for him.”

“Right,” Ben agreed, sipping his beer and joining the conversation. Now all the Brozzz had made their way over to James to watch the situation go down. “Besides what does he got that you don’t? Nothing.”

“He looks like he breathes the gym,” James muttered, taking him in. Eric was built, with broad shoulders and toned arms. His golden completion with blond hair reminded the English major of Apollo. “I mean, he’s pretty hot.”

“So?” Ben shrugged. “You’re hot too, man.”

“The hottest,” Logan agreed, clasping his shoulder. “Hottie McHotterson, over here.” James snorted at the attempt to make him feel better. 

“You two live together,” Thomas reminded him. “You share a literal bed. Noah has been the most in love with you since this time last year, do you really think  _ Eric _ stands a chance?”

“What are we crowding around for?” Adian asked, stepping up to drape his arm around his best friend’s shoulders. If anymore people decided to come into the kitchen, they’d have to start charging for admission.

“Some guy’s hitting up Noah,” Logan said to him. Adian narrowed his eyes at the scene panning out across the threshold and on the other side of the living room. 

“And you’re just letting him?” His best friend smacked him lightly upside the back of his head. 

“Ow!” he nudged him away, but Adian didn’t move. “Being a possessive boyfriend isn’t cool, Adi.”

“Neither is that dude chatting up a taken guy.”

“Just walk over there and introduce yourself,” Ben spoke with an eye roll. “Do that thing you do when you hold him by the waist and give off the biggest big dick energy you can.”

“I don’t know,” James sighed. Then from across the room, he watched as Noah laughed at something Eric said and Apollo ran his hand slowly down the younger boy’s arm. “Fuck it.” James pushed himself off the counter where he was leaning. Adian patting his back.

“Atta boy,” his friend cheered him on. “Go get him tiger!"

James had never really been jealous before-- at least not to this extent. Sure, he'd felt the slight pang when someone on the street would eye up his boyfriend. He’d even make it a point to put his arm around Noah just to send a message to anyone who thought about staring too long. But James had never been  _ this _ jealous.

He walked across the room with the attention of all his friends on him as he made his way over to Noah.

“--you should definitely come by and check it out,” Eric was saying. James only caught the tail end of the sentence but he already knew he didn’t want to hear the rest. 

Before he even made it to the younger boy’s side, Noah had already seen him coming. “Hey,” he smiled up at him sweetly and James’ chest seemed to loosen. With a single word, he knew he was overreacting. How had Noah put so much love in a single syllable? 

“Hi,” James returned his soft expression, standing at his side. He anchored his arm around his hips, and as Noah tilted his head up, James pecked his lips. 

“Eric, this is my boyfriend James,” Noah introduced them with a slight blush. James held out his hand and Eric seemed to reluctantly shake it. The stranger seemed to shift where he stood, his charming charisma beginning to fade. 

“I’ve gotta run,” he cleared his throat. “But it was nice meeting you Noah. You’re really cool.”

“Thanks,” Noah said and Eric took off through the crowd. As he disappeared around a bend, the brunet looked up at James curiously. 

“ _ Cool _ ,” James repeated.

“Mr. Min, are you jealous?” Noah blanched at him, his lips twitching into a grin.

“ _ You’re really cool _ ,” James mimicked again. Noah moved to stand in front of him, crossing his arms.

“You are jealous,” he laughed.

“I mean,” James huffed. “You really had to go talk with  _ Eric? _ ”

“What’s wrong with Eric?”

“Uh, he looks like he doesn’t just go to the gym but bench presses the entire building for a warm up.”

“Aw,” Noah cooed playfully, dropping his stance to reach up and wrap his arms around James’ neck. “It’s cute that you think I’m into that. My type is more: black hair, green eyes, South Korean, the perfect height ratio to me and looks like he could model.” James blushed at the complement, a light dusting of pink across his face. 

“I don’t know why he bothered me so much,” James sighed, apologetically. “I wasn’t going to say anything, but when he touched your arm I lost it.”

“Hmm,” Noah mused, listening. 

“And what am I supposed to say? That other people can’t touch you?” 

“No,” he agreed. But then Noah leaned in closer, until his lips were brushing the shell of James’ ear. “But you’re the only one that I want touching me.” A trill rolled down James' spine as he felt his breath warm on his skin. Noah was far from drunk or even tripsy, but whatever alcohol was in his blood was making him more confident. James met his eye again, his brow slightly raised at the whisper. He wanted to kiss away the shadow of a smirk pulling at the boy’s mouth but before he could, Noah had pulled completely away.

“Don’t start what you can’t finish, Romeo,” he teased stepping back. 

“You’re the one who--”

“Oh, I plan on finishing that later,” he winked with a cheeky smile as he backed away. “But I promised Sophia I’d help her wrap Logan’s gift.” And with that Noah left him standing there like an idiot while all their friends watched on with confused looks. James pressed his lips together as he swallowed, following his boyfriend’s figure until he disappeared. Shaking his head he walked back towards the kitchen, somehow wanting to leave this party even more. Man, he was whipped.


	30. (Extras) December

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DECEMBER 18th 2021 || Noah Olsen

Noah pulled James closer, gripping his hoodie in his hands until the older boy’s body was pressed against his. Their mouths moved in sync, a dance of lips, teeth, and tongues. James’ touch trailed under Noah’s crewneck, his fingers running over his bare side until they were pressing into his skin with a pressure that made him gasp softly, sending a shiver up his spine.

The apartment was empty for the first time in forever: Lynn just left to go Christmas shopping with Isla, and Elijah was out on a date. It was the rare occasion the two of them were  _ alone alone  _ without having the stress of school over them. Soon they’d be leaving for Quebec with the Williams for the holidays and they’d have to get  _ creative _ if they wanted ‘alone time’. 

Noah knew if they didn’t take their chance now, they might have to wait till January and that thought alone made him want to scream from all the sexual tension. 

The sofa wasn’t the most comfortable on Noah’s back as he was pushed into its cushions, but he didn’t care. His arm hooked around James’ neck, his fingers finding their way into his black hair, pulling at the strands. 

“Noah,” James moaned against the kiss. The younger boy broke away, his lips now brushing against his boyfriend’s jaw as he trailed a path down his neck. “Should we go to our room?”

“Where’s your sense of adventure?” Noah hummed as he kissed below his ear. “Everyone’s out for at least another two hours. We’ll hear the door unlock if someone comes back.” James didn’t need more convincing before he was capturing Noah’s lips again with his, causing the latter’s head to be brought back down against the couch. 

“Stay put,” he muttered, his breath warm on Noah’s mouth as he spoke in a whisper. He gave in to the demand and James sat up, his legs pinning him still as he did. The older boy discarded his hoodie on the ground, before reaching for Noah’s and pulling it off him with a bit more difficulty. 

Outside, it was snowing with a ferocity that seemed to match the energy in the room. Although it was freezing, the temperatures threatening to drop the lowest they had all season, inside was cozy and Elijah’s baking had made the apartment smell like gingerbread. 

James looked down at him, his lips swollen and his pupils dilated with a lust that deepened the hue of his eyes.  _ God _ , Noah thought,  _ I’m the luckiest person on the planet _ . 

But before Noah could admire his boyfriend’s flushed cheeks and smooth features, the other boy was crashing their lips together again with a yearning hunger that made Noah's chest tighten. 

James tasted of chocolate and marshmello, the sweetness making him smile internally. Their hot chocolates had been abandoned on the coffee table, just as their movie had been once the last person had left the apartment. The door had shut and the tv was turned off almost as quickly as they reached for each other. 

James broke apart, dipping his face down to the younger boy’s neck, beginning to leave a hickey near his collarbone. Sometimes Noah was thankful that ‘scarf season’ lasted so long in Canada. 

Hands wandered over Noah’s chest and sides, sending a trill down his back. Noah tipped his head to give him more room, earning a hum of approval from James. 

“God,” Noah exhaled. “Fuck me, James.”

“I plan to,” he smiled against his skin. Out of the two of them, neither was particularly shy but James was more reserved-- preferring to stay to the side of group conversation and tending to choose his words more carefully than Noah. He swore much less and seemed to always be the most poetic and profound with what he did say. Until he was alone with Noah, then his guard seemed to drop and he was more ‘out there’. He said stupid things that made the younger boy laugh and roll his eyes. He would joke and tease much more freely and like right now, he was a sexy, flirty motherfucker with no shame.

As James’ lips began to move further down, a kiss being pressed every few inches, Noah let his eyes flutter shut. The older boy’s finger ran under the band of latter’s sweatpants beginning to inch them down.

“Emergency Brozzz meeting!” voices shouted as the front door slammed shut, making both boys jump out of their skin. James sat up with a start, looking as if his heart was in his throat from the scare. 

“What the--” Noah furrowed his brow, sitting up on his elbows. In walked Logan, Thomas and Ben, completely ignoring the two half-naked, boyfriends on the couch in a compromising position.

“God, why does my life suck!” Ben huffed, pulling off his toque as he fell onto the floor in a heep of self-pity. Logan tossed himself into the sofa chair, his legs swinging over the armrest as he shrugged off his jacket. Thomas went to the corner of the room and unearthed a beanie bag and flopped down on it. Having all three of them in the same city again for winter break was starting to come with its disadvantages. 

“Uh,” Noah blinked at them all. “What the fuck guys?!” 

James reluctantly moved off of him, sitting down properly with his arms crossed in annoyance; an emotion he very rarely showed.

“Ben’s having lady issues again, so we’ve called an emergency meeting,” Logan explained with the swipe of his arm. 

“How did you get into the building?” James inquired, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“Lynn and Isla were leaving and we bumped into them-- they buzzed us in.” Thomas explained as he pulled off his winter gloves. “Oh and your front door was unlocked. You should really double check that. There’s lots of creeps in this complex.”  _ Lynn didn’t lock the front door on her way out. Fantastic. _

“Well, as you can see, we’re busy,” Noah cleared his throat. The three boys looked over at them, taking in their bare torsos and pissed off faces. They either didn’t process what they’d walked in on or they didn’t care. They just shrugged and continued on explaining what was going on.

“So, that girl I dated who lives down the hall from me,” Ben began on his rant. Noah looked to James with a blank stare of incredulousness. The Brozzz started chatting amongst themselves, not caring that the two other boys weren’t paying attention. As Thomas and Logan nodded and muttered along with the story, Noah saw an opportunity. He got off the couch slowly, holding a finger to his mouth in a hush as James gave him a questioning look. He began to back away slowly motioning for his boyfriend to follow. 

Soon, they were shutting the door of their shared room, signing with relief as the lock clicked into place. The room was dark, save for the setting sun coming in through the drawn back curtains but neither of them made an effort to turn on the lights. They were too preoccupied.

“They have no respect,” Noah huffed as James pressed him up against the door, pinning him there with his body. “Absolutely none.” 

“They’re oblivious,” James offered, kissing his jawline, then his neck, and then his shoulder. “But they're your friends.”

“Damn,” he cursed, a sigh on the tip of his tongue. With a light shove he nudged James towards the bed, walking him backwards without touching him. “I wonder how long it’ll take them to process where we’ve gone.” 

The older boy moved until his legs hit the bed frame, his eyes raking across Noah’s bare chest. James sat on the edge of the bed, as Noah stood in front of him. 

“Hopefully a  _ long _ time.” 

Noah raised his brow at the suggestive tone of his voice. James looked up at him as he clambered onto the bed, his knees straddling his boyfriend’s thighs. James’ hands passed over the small of his back until they rested on his hips. 

“Hmm,” Noah ran his fingers through his hair, his biceps resting on James’ shoulders. “Maybe it’ll take the rest of the night?” 

“Definitely into the early morning,” James smirked and Noah bit his lip at the look. He settled into his lap, watching as the action made a shadow pass in front of his boyfriend’s green eyes.

“Who knows,” Noah’s lips were now inches from his. “Ben has a lot of girl problems. We might be able to stay in here forever.” 

James’ fingers pressed into Noah’s skin with a bit more pressure. “I’d be more than okay with that.”


	31. (Extras) January Pt. 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> JANUARY 02nd 2022 || Noah Olsen

Noah couldn’t stand still, his body practically shaking with nervous energy as he paced the room. At this rate, he’d wear a path into the floor if he didn’t stop his incisive walking. From his peripheral vision, he could sense James watching him with a sigh about to fall from his lips; his stare burning a hole in the side of Noah’s face. 

“Why did I agree to go?” he asked aloud, as he moved from one wall to the next without slowing. James, who was seated on the edge of his bed, didn’t speak. “I mean, I was drunk when I answered that text so that should count for a good reason to back out, right?”

“내 사랑,” James let out the sigh that Noah knew he was holding back. “You don’t have to go.”

“I don’t, do I?” Noah mused. “And yet, I’m going to go! Because I’m--”

“A good person?”

“--Self-destructive as fuck, James! I’m self-destructive.” He finally stopped to turn to him. His boyfriend was looking at him with a sympathetic smile, his face relaxed as he held Noah’s tie in his hands. 

“Come here, baby.” James stood up from his spot and waited for Noah to move forward. When he reached him, James draped the tie over his shoulders, fitting it under his collar. Noah closed his eyes from the emotional exhaustion he already felt, and let the soothing sound of James knotting the fabric calm him. He felt the tie eventually pull snug around his neck, as his collar was folded over it. James dropped a kiss on the top of Noah’s head when he was done. 

“Today will be over before you know it,” he told him, kindly. Noah opened his eyes and looked up at him. 

“We go, but we come back if I’m about to kill him,” Noah warned. “I’m not going to prison for that asshole.” James’ lip twitched into a smirk-- the type the younger boy wanted to kiss away. 

“Deal,” he agreed. “And when we get back we’ll do whatever you want to do.” 

“Anything?” Noah teased, finding himself able to crack a playful smile as all his overwhelming thoughts took a momentary backseat. James rolled his eyes, but Noah knew every little tell about the boy and he could tell James was hiding how flustered he was by the insinuation.

* * *

The fact that his father picked some expensive, fancy ass restaurant in the middle of downtown Toronto, made Noah want to strangle him even before he came face to face with him. Maybe it was because he’d always given Noah the bare minimum for his rent in replacement of child support. Or maybe it was because he wouldn’t spend anymore than he had too for Natalie’s treatment. Or maybe it was because Robert Olsen had kept Tami living in a $2000 a month apartment while he and his mother were scraping by. Yeah, maybe Noah shouldn’t have come today. He was going to kill him. 

“It’s going to go to shit,” Noah told his boyfriend as they went to cross the street to the restaurant. James turned around at Noah’s tight grip on his wrist, sending him a pitiful look as they stopped at the corner of the road. James moved them out of the way of pedestrians and up against a nearby store. “He’s going to say the wrong thing. He always does and I am not a patient person.”

“You are the most patient person I know,” James corrected him. Noah forced a smile but it didn’t last long before it faltered back into a frown. He’d learned that it took more muscles for a person to frown then it did to smile, but Noah wanted to call bullshit on that. It always felt easier to frown. 

“With you maybe,” he replied. “That’s because I love you. I hate my dad.” 

“Why are you warning me?” 

“Because this is your last chance to let me go alone. I don’t like who I become around him-- I lose my shit if he drinks too loud.”

“You’ve seen me at my worst,” James reminded him. “You won’t scare me off.” 

“You say that now,” Noah muttered. 

“I’m not letting you go in there alone,” he persisted. “Okay? It’s together or not at all.” 

“Okay,” Noah sighed. “Okay, but you might need to carry me inside because I don’t think I’ll make it past the door.” James chuckled, taking his gloved hand.

“Only an hour, okay?” he promised Noah. “Make it through an hour and then we can leave.”

But Noah couldn’t even do that.

The hostess led them to the table which happened to be in the most secluded area of the high rise restaurant; it was like his dad was begging to be murdered without witnesses. 

“We should get married,” Noah whispered to James. “So you can’t testify against me in court.” James placed a steady hand on the small of his back, dipping his head down to Noah’s ear. 

“Let’s Uber to city hall.” Noah’s heart fluttered. Not because they were talking about getting married, but because he had managed to find someone who would join in on his jokes. It made him fall for James even more, if that was even possible. 

His boyfriend’s hand didn’t leave his back the rest of the walk across the room and Noah was grateful. He thought he might pass out from the anxious feeling eating away at him if he didn’t have something grounding him. 

The hostess directed them to the table with a motion of her hand and they thanked her before turning to face Robert and--Tami? Noah’s lips pulled into a tight thin line. She was not a part of the deal.

Tami was old enough to have babysat Noah and the look he gave her spoke more than words. She was maybe thirty if that, with long blonde hair that was as straight as a Barbie doll still in it’s brand new, directly from the factory box. In fact, she even stood like one, with a polite smile and her arms at her side. He bet that’s what his dad liked most about her. How placid and agreeable she seemed.

“Noah,” his father said his name like a principal calling him into the office to ‘check in’. He had one hand around his girlfriend’s hips and his other was between them waiting for his son to accept it. James’ arm steadied around Noah's waist, holding him tightly. Robert dropped his unaccepted hand. “You must be James,” he shifted to the older boy. Noah watched as his father processed the fact that his son’s boyfriend wasn’t white. It was actually quite funny.

“Robert,” James smiled, tightly. Noah thought about what Charlotte would say if she found out her son was being impolite to a stranger. In this instance she might applaud him. 

“Well,” his father blinked. “I’m sorry we haven’t been able to meet sooner, but now is better than never, right?” They’d been together for over a year now, but sure. Better late than never to introduce your boyfriend to your piece of shit dad.

“Right,” James replied. 

“It’s nice to see you again, Noah,” Tami added herself into the greetings. “You’ve grown up in these past few months!” Noah thought that maybe in different circumstances he might have grown to like Tami, but they weren’t different and they were shitty. He didn’t hate _her_ , he hated what his father had done. 

“Hi, Tami,” he tried his best to sound even in his tone. He didn’t know if it worked. “I like your dress.” At least he could tell his mother he tried to be okay with her. She looked down at her long sleeve black dress. 

“I thought I would never fit into it again,” she blushed. “But I’ve lost all the baby weight, fortunately.” 

“How is Timothy?” Noah forced himself to ask. He’d never met his half-brother and didn’t really want to, but his mother had told him to play nice. So he was playing nice. 

“He’s running around and talking now. He’ll be two at the end of May,” Robert smiled proudly and Noah wanted to turn around and leave. The look on his face was like a stab in the back. “Come, let’s sit down.” 

So they did. They sat down and stared at each other awkwardly from across the table as they ordered from the lunch menu. After the waitress had gone, Tami pulled out her phone to show them a photo of Timothy but only James looked, Noah choosing to stare down at his cutlery. 

“He’s adorable,” James told her. He was a sucker for babies. Noah knew if they lasted like he thought they would, that they’d be adopting enough kids for a hockey team. The thought brought a momentary calmness to his mind before he was pulled back into the moment. 

“How is your mother,” Robert asked in the lull of silence. 

“She…” he didn’t know what he should tell him. The truth? Or should he lie, since it wasn’t his business anymore? “She’s not doing good.” Why had he gone for the truth? Maybe a part of him still just wanted his dad and comforting word of encouragement or sympathy. 

“I’m sorry to hear that,” it was Tami who spoke. “Can I ask how bad?” No, she couldn’t because she was the reason his mother had a psychotic break, but he still answered. 

“She had another episode the other day, so I’m not allowed to visit until her delusion ends.”

“Poor baby,” Tami sympathized, while Robert sat silent.

“She told me you stopped calling,” Noah directed his statement towards his father, searching his face for a guilty reaction that never came. Instead, the man met his eye with a look of indifference. 

“It’s a long story,” he said. “Adult business.” That’s what he’d say everytime Noah wanted to know more than Robert would want to share. 

_‘Dad, where are you going?’ ‘It’s adult business, Noah.’_ Well, adult business turned out to be fucking another women for like three years… so? 

“Mom’s adult business now?” Noah tested his patience. “Wouldn’t you need to know something about her for it to be considered that? You don’t visit her or call her or talk to her doctors, I do that. So if anybody’s going to call _my_ mother ‘business’ it going to be me.” Noah felt James take his hand, but it wasn’t to stop him. It was to support him.

“Alright,” his father held his tongue. “Let’s move on, because this isn’t the time or the place, Noah.”

“Fine,” Noah agreed but only because he was starting to get a migraine. 

“Good,” he smiled. “What did you boys do for holiday break?”

“We went up to Quebec again,” Noah smiled at James and pretended for a millisecond that it was just the two of them.

“Again?” his father furrowed his brows.

“We’ve gone these past two Christmases,” James explained. “With my parents.” Noah thought for a moment that maybe Robert felt jealous towards that fact. Maybe he was jealous that Noah was so close with the Williams that he went on family vacations with them. Or maybe he was just upset that Noah had left the province twice and never told him. But the shadow that crossed over his face had less to do with fear of his well being and more to do with the fact that he was losing control over his son. Noah was turning nineteen in two week and a half, Robert had legally already lost him a year ago but now he was losing his emotional grip on him too. He didn’t seem happy about that.

“James, tell me, what are you studying at school?” 

“English,” the other boy replied. “At Ryerson.”

“Oh, the newer university,” Robert commented, and Noah didn’t know if that was meant to be a dig or not. “Why not UofT*?” 

“I didn’t really like them,” James shrugged. 

“Hm,” his father hummed. “And where are you from?” 

“I was born in South Korea.”

“That’s cool,” Tami commented with an genuinely interested expression. Robert shifted slightly at that.

“Are you an international student?” 

“No, I’m Canadian,” James corrected him casually, as if he’d spent his entire life having to tell people and he did. 

“What do you want to do when you graduate?” Tami asked curiously. 

“I don’t know,” he said, honestly. He and James had once stayed up all night on the phone talking about just that. Noah loved the passion that his boyfriend had about literature. But he had so much that he didn’t even know what he wanted to do-- he wanted to do everything. “I could do a lot.”

“Are your parents happy with your field of study?” 

“They don’t really care,” James answered, again casually. “They just want me to be happy.”

“That’s very lax of them,” Robert noted. “Usually the standards for your people are a little higher.” Noah coughed, choking on air as he inhaled too sharply. James rubbed his back for a moment before lacing their fingers together again. Even Tami-- who Noah thought would have been the one to play the dumb blonde card-- realized the racism. 

“Um,” she cleared her throat. “I got a minor in English.”

“Did you?” James seemed to relax as she took the lead in the conversation. Even Noah appreciated her stepping in. 

“Yes,” she nodded. “I love reading. Books are a fantastic escape.” 

“I agree,” James cracked his first genuine smile since they’d walked in. 

“I used to read so much before the baby, but kids are a lot of work. Now all I read is ‘Goodnight, Moon’.”

“A classic,” Noah volunteered, and Tami looked at him with a soft expression. “My mom read that to me too.”

“Great mothers think alike,” Tami told him and Noah knew she meant it. but just as he thought she’d be the saving grace of the meal, her phone rang. 

“Excuse me, darlings,” she apologized. “It’s our babysitter. I’ll be right back.” As Tami slipped from her seat and disappeared around a bend towards the washrooms, Robert’s gaze followed her. 

“You’ve never told me how you feel about Tami,” he said to his son when she was out of earshot. 

“She’s… not horrible,” Noah agreed. 

“I’m so glad you think so,” Robert smiled. “I’m going to ask her to marry me.” Noah’s eyes almost rolled in the back of his head at the news and James looked concernedly at him. Noah didn’t realize he’d dug his nails into James’ hand until his boyfriend pulled back with a wince. 

“Sorry, baby,” Noah apologized to him, but James shook his head. _Don’t worry about it._

“You said you liked her,” Robert argued with him. Noah leaned in.

“I said she wasn’t horrible,” he repeated himself. “I’ve met her like twice and now you’re telling me you’re going to marry her?” 

“I’ve known her for years.”

“Don’t remind me,” Noah spat. “You only divorced from mom barely a year ago.”

“Legally,” he corrected. “Tami and I have a son together--”

“You have me too, or have you forgotten I’m also your kid?” 

“Of course, I haven’t,” Robert assured him. 

“You wouldn’t even have a kid with her if you held up the most basic agreement of a relationship. With how much you slept around, you probably have another ten kids.”

“Noah,” his father sneered. “I am your father.”

“Unfortunately.” 

“Noah--”

“I can’t believe this,” Noah laughed bitterly. “You’re going to get married again when you didn’t even get it right the first time. That’s like have another kid cause you fucked up the first-- oh, you did that too, didn’t you?”

“Noah Anthony Olsen,” his father scolded him with a dangerous whisper.

“What happened to ‘in sickness and in health’? You promised her.” 

“She doesn’t have the flu, Noah,” he fought back. “She’s not the same person I married-- she’s crazy. She’s gone insane and what was I supposed to do? Just sit by and--”

“Yes!” Noah bursted, loudly, before returning to his strong, quieter tone. “Yes you were. How can you possibly think you’re the victim in this all? Stop playing the martyr dad because you’re not the one locked up in a clinic.”

“You don’t know what it’s like,” his father insisted. “How can you watch someone like that and still love them? She talks nonsense, she sees God and Lucifer! She was depressed for years before her break. She’s better where she is. You can't love someone whose gone crazy.” 

Noah knew in that moment that his father had never really loved his mother. If he had, he wouldn’t be able to stand the thought of her in that place. Noah didn’t even want to imagine James dressed in white clothes like a prison, trapped inside that tiny room being forced to swallow pills and pills until he was so numb that he couldn’t move. Noah woke up most nights from nightmares of it all--and this man had the audacity to tell him that he couldn’t understand what it was like to love a person like Natalie. 

“Your _real_ mother, not this--shell of a woman, but your real mother would have wanted me to be happy and move on.”

“She’s not dead!” Noah gasped at his insinuation. He couldn’t fucking beleive it. 

“She might as well be,” Robert sighed. “Her mind is broken-- she’s already gone.”

“I--” Noah felt his throat close. “I--James,” he choked his name out like a cry for help. James was wrapping his arms around him before he finished calling for him. The older boy helped him stand, shielding him from his father. 

“내 사랑” he whispered in his ear. “Let’s go.” 

* * *

When they made it outside, Noah couldn’t breathe properly anymore. James had taken their jackets but they weren’t wearing them. The bone chilling wind hitting them, making their bodies tense up but they were too busy to care.

“I’m dying,” Noah managed to say between his heavy gasps of air. James was already hailing a taxi for them.

“You’re not dying, I promise,” James whispered. “You’re just having an anxiety attack.” 

“I can’t breath,” Noah was crying. He thought people were staring at them and they probably were, but they ignored their eyes. “I can’t breathe.”

“Just take deep breaths, okay? In and out,” he coached him as he walked them to the car. 

“I want my mom.” 

“Noah, you can’t see her,” he sighed, with so much pity and sadness that it made him want to cry even more. He ushered him into the car, giving an address that Noah didn’t hear. James held him tightly as the driver sped off.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To Be Continued... 
> 
> *University of Toronto has a high population of Asian students (with the top two international student nationalities being Chinese and Indian with approx. 45% of the school's population identifying as Asian). Robert is making a racial generalization that if you're Asian, you go to UofT.


	32. (Extras) January Pt.2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> JANUARY 2nd, 3rd, 6th 2022 || James Min

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A quick note: if you read yesterday's extra between 9pm and 12am (EST), a mini paragraph got cut off at the end from where I copied and pasted it into AO3. So if you go back you can read those few sentence that lead into this new clip. 
> 
> Thanks for baring with me! <3 <3

**JAN. 02. 2022**

James had never seen Noah like this-- completely broken and falling though his hands like grains of sand. He was crying and hyperventilating and muttering things about his mother and James couldn’t figure out how to help him. 

It was definitely a panic attack and James had half a mind to go back to the restaurant and punch Robert hard in the face. James had never felt like that before and he knew it was coming from a place of love-- but it was still frightening. 

There was only one person James thought could help Noah, and as the car pulled up to the driveway, James quickly tapped his phone against the electronic paypad and pulled Noah out of care with a careful lead. 

He didn’t even think his boyfriend registered where they were until Henry was opening the door with a serious concern in the lines of his face. 

“Where’s mom?” James asked as he brought Noah inside. Charlotte came running into the room at the commotion, quickly hanging up whatever call she seemed to be on. She looked at her son and then down at Noah with worry. 

“Oh baby,” Charlotte sighed, taking Noah into his arms. “What’s wrong?” She held the boy tightly and it seemed to work ten times better than when James had tried to hug him. James leaned his head back against the nearest wall, closing his eyes. Henry walked over to him and wrapped an arm around James’ shoulder, squeezing it tightly. Charlotte met James’ eye when they opened again-- hers were wide with confusion but her hold on Noah didn’t loosen. Her son’s silent promise to explain later was accepted and she returned to the matter at hand. 

* * *

Noah was asleep upstairs in James’ old bed, as the three others were downstairs in the living room. James was pacing in front of the lit fireplace with enough unused energy that he could power the entire block. 

“Jamie,” his mother sighed. “James, please stop making me seasick.” He did, choosing to stand with his arms crossed and his fingers tapping against his bicep uncontrollably.

“What happened?” Henry inquired from his spot standing by the window. 

“His father is a fucking asshole.”

“James!” his mother berated him with a shocked expression. “Language!”

“But it’s true,” he muttered. “You should have heard all the shit he said to him. Mom, I’ve never seen him like that before. I didn’t know what to do.” 

Charlotte looked up from the sofa, patting the spot next to her. He joined her, resting his head against her chest as she hugged. 

“He wanted his mom,” James began to explain. “But they won’t let him see her because she had another episode and… they think she might hurt him. All the things Robert said about her, God, I could have just punched him.” He sat up straight, moving out of his mother’s embrace. “He told him she was basically brain dead.”

His parents shared a look of disgust. “He said what?” Charlotte gaped. 

“He was saying all these things about how she was crazy and that she was better off locked away. And he was going on about his new kid and his girlfriend and I thought Noah was going to throw up.”

“What a tactless idiot,” she said into her hand as she rested it against her mouth in horror. 

“Then he told him that he wanted to marry her and that’s when everything started to fall apart.”

“That poor kid,” Henry sighed. “How can some people be so initiative?”

“People like that shouldn’t procreate,” Charlotte agreed, crossing her arms. “And yet their breed of stupid seems to be the most fertile.”

“I don’t know how you two do it,” James said in a softer tone. “I couldn’t even handle Noah’s panic attack and you guys handle me.”

“Trust us,” she gave an airy laugh. “We had no idea what we were doing when you had your first episode. We were freaking out just like you are.”

“I think I called the doctor thirty times that night,” Henry said.

“But nothing beats how much we called the pediatrician when we had you for the first month.”

“I had her on speed dial,” his father added. “Remember when he touched that bench at the park and got an allergic reaction?” 

“Haunts my nightmares to this day,” she exclaimed with a dramatic exhale. “You’ll get the hang of it, Jamie. It takes time to figure out how to treat situations like that.”

“You have to find what works for the person,” Henry said. “I’m sure this won’t be the last time it happens.”

“I tried everything that my therapist told me to do and none of it worked. Mom calmed him down within a minute!”

“I think he just needed me,” she patted James’ hand. “Well, not _me_ , but his mother. I think I’m the closest thing to that right now.”

“You did the right thing, Jamie,” Henry reassured him, coming over to sit down on James’ other side. “You helped him exactly right. Sometimes letting other people take the lead is the best way _you_ can help. Right?”

“Yeah,” he agreed. “You’re right. So what do I do now?” 

“Let him sleep it off,” Charlotte told him. “He’s emotionally and physically exhausted.” 

“I can’t do anything else?”

“You can take care of yourself for him,” she suggested. “You look like you haven’t eaten. I’ll make dad make you something.” 

“Good choice, Lottie,” his father accepted the task. “Wouldn’t want to give you food poisoning too.” James snorted at that. “Come see what you want to eat.”

* * *

When Noah woke up it was in James’ arms and the older boy was relieved at the fact. He didn’t want him to get up alone. 

“Where are we?” Noah yawned, noticing the bed they were in wasn’t theirs.

“At my parents’,” he told him, kissing his forehead as he held him closely. Noah blinked at the fact, as if he didn’t remember. 

“... I--”

“I brought us here after we left the restaurant. You’ve been asleep all day.” Noah jumped at the fact, sitting up abruptly to look out the window at the dark sky. 

“Shh,” James soothed. “It’s okay. Lie back down.”

“God,” he groaned, pressing the heel of his hand to his head. “What a fucking disaster.”

“What is?”

“I am.” James was tired, his entire body begging for sleep but he forced himself to get up. “I made a mess of everything, didn’t I?”

“You didn’t ruin anything, Noah,” he whispered soothingly, reaching out to brush his hair from his face.

“I knew I shouldn’t have gone,” he said softly. “God, I had another panic attack on top of it all.”

“Another?” Noah swallowed at the question avoiding the answer. “Do you have them often?”

“No,” he shook his head. “Not anymore anyway.”

“Anymore?”

He dropped his gaze down to his hands. “I only have them around him sometimes. He just… he makes me feel so awful.” 

“Noah,” James whispered his name without knowing what else to say. 

“It’s fine,” he cleared his throat. “I don’t talk to him, for obvious reasons. It’s all fine.”

“No, no it’s not,” he told him. “It’s not. He’s traumatized you.”

“That makes it sound like he abused me,” Noah muttered. 

“He didn’t have to hit you for him to hurt you,” he explained. James held his face between his hands with a gentle touch. “Have you ever thought about seeing a therapist?”

Noah looked horrified at the idea. “No.”

James dropped his arms back into his lap. “What’s wrong with seeing a therapist?”

“Nothing,” he quickly corrected. “It’s just not for me, that’s all. Forget about it. It’s fine. I’m fine.”

“You’re not, Noah,” he persisted. “It’s okay not to be. I’m not-- but you need--”

“Nothing,” Naoh cut him off. “I need nothing, James, because I’m perfectly fine.” With that Noah laid back down, turning away from him. James opened his mouth but shut it. 

“You’re not your mother,” James spoke after a moment, knowing he was listening. “You’re scared you will be but you’re not admitting anything by going to see a doctor. Your dad probably spent your mother’s entire diagnosis calling her crazy-- you’re not crazy Noah.

This can’t be because you think I’ll see you differently or your friends or my parents-- you’re afraid of how you’ll see yourself. There’s nothing wrong with needing a bit of help-- you told me that. We all need to ask for help sometimes-- that’s what you said. Take your own advice, Noah. If you won’t listen to me, then listen to the smartest person I know.”

Noah didn’t say anything and after waiting for a bit, James gave into his tiredness and let his head press against his pillow again. That night was the first they didn’t sleep entwined, but with their backs to each other. They both needed a bit of space.

**JAN. 03. 2022**

The next day, James woke up to find Noah gone. 

> _I went home. I need some time. I love you._

the note on his pillow said and James fell back against the mattress with the paper crumpled in his fist. Was this how they were going to go out? With Noah not wanting to get therapy? James hadn’t seen that one in his millions of scenarios that he invited in his head. 

He wanted to call him but he knew he shouldn’t. He wanted to chase after him but he knew it would make things worse. So James stared up at his ceiling with a pained look in his eyes as he tried to remind himself that this didn’ mean anything. This was only some space, not forever. 

He dragged himself from under the covers because he knew if he didn’t, he might spiral and even the little thoughts could pull him under.

When he walked into the kitchen, his parents were the same-- as if he hadn’t moved out half a year ago. They hadn’t even touched his room; it was all how he left it and he didn’t know what to think about it. Did they think they wouldn’t last? Did they think he’d end up back here eventually?

“Morning, Jamie,” his mother smiled up from her book at him. He didn’t return it fully and she could sense something was off but didn’t ask. His father on the other hand, seemed to already know. 

“Noah left this morning,” Henry said carefully. “I heard the front door and when I checked outside I saw him leaving.” James didn’t address it. Instead, he ignored it and busied himself making tea because the cupboards and drawers were all the same. While the water boiled, he didn’t face his parents. He kept his head bowed down as he leaned against the countertop, his arms crossed over his chest. He could hear their whispers but they were too low for him to catch what they were saying. 

“Can I stay here?” James asked them, finally looked over to meet their eyes. They stopped their low mutters. 

“Always,” Charlotte nodded. “...is it just for today?” 

“I don’t know,” he sighed, running his fingers through his hair. “Maybe longer.” 

“What happened, James?” Henry finally asked, head on. The kettle began to steam as the question hung unanswered in the air. He reached for the burner turning it off and pouring the water into his mug. As his back was turned to them, he held the hot cup in his hands letting the sensation shiver up his arms. The warmth traveled through his hands like a comforting thing that he needed. 

“He um,” James started while he didn’t have to look at them. “He went home. He needs some space.”

“Oh,” his mother vocalized. He could feel them watching him, burning a hole in the back of his head. 

“We talked last night,” he continued after a pause. “I said something I don’t think he liked very much.” The small laugh he gave was heartbreakingly pitiful but he swallowed down the bitter taste it left in his mouth. He finally spun around to walk to the island. 

“I’m sure he’ll forgive you,” Charlotte rubbed his arm when he sat down on the other side of her. 

“Yeah,” he agreed, propping his elbow on the surface to rest his head against his hand. “Maybe.”

“What did you tell him?” 

“That he should go to therapy,” James looked up at them. “Did you know that this isn’t the first panic attack that his dad caused him? He says he gets them sometimes because of him. Did you know because I didn’t. I said he should see a doctor and he got all defensive about it like it was a bad thing to go to a therapist.”

“He’ll come around,” Henry sipped his coffee. “He’ll realize you meant well.”

“Noah is a sensible boy,” his mother added. “He just needs a moment to breathe and you’ll see, he’ll be calling you in a day.”

**JAN. 09. 2022**

It had been six days and James thought that Elijah would be coming to knock on his front door with all of his things in garbage bags. His parents wouldn’t even mention the other boy’s name in his presence, avoiding speaking about him entirely if James was in the room.

He missed him. He found he could no longer sleep without him next to him, his nights now spent tossing and turning. He realized how engraved Naoh was in his everyday life. He would make him coffee every morning but now he didn’t. They would shower together-- literally just shower together because it was faster. If the other was leaving, there was an unspoken rule that they couldn’t unless they said ‘I love you’. He missed just hearing Noah laugh next to him at something stupid Logan would send him. He missed having him turn the screen to show him and he missed rolling his eyes at the stupidity. He even missed Elijah’s teasing everytime they did something ‘cute’ and Lynn’s huffs of annoyance that he found more fake than anything. He missed Isla and William barging their way into the apartment for game night, ready to crush the couple at whatever they were playing. 

He just missed everything.

So James said ‘fuck time’ and he snatched his keys off his desk before marching out the front door without a word. 

* * *

His key clicked the lock out of place as he opened the apartment’s front door with a swing and shut it with a light nudge of his foot. The place was quiet and he noticed that their roommates shoes were missing and Lynn’s purse was gone from off the hook.

“Elijah!” he heard Noah shout and just the sound of his voice made him want to let out the deepest exhale. “I’m going to go--” 

He turned the corner and saw that it was James and he froze. He looked the same, save for the dark circles under his eyes because of course his insomnia had kicked in. He was holding his keys in one hand and his phone in the other. He was dressed to go out, in his winter jacket, hat, gloves and scarf.

“Noah,” James said his name for the first time in six days and it was being sober and relapsing. “Can we talk?” 

“Yeah,” he breathed and James realized that maybe he wasn’t the only one who was feeling the effects of being away from the other. “But I’m going to be late so if you’re willing to walk with me...?”

“I’d follow you anywhere.” Normally a cheesy line like that would have earned him a smile and an eyeroll, maybe even a nudge of the shoulder. But today all he got was a nod. 

“Okay.” 

* * *

James didn’t know where they were going and Noah didn’t offer the information. He was fine with that. He was just happy to be next to him again. 

“I’m sorry for overstepping,” James apologized when they sat down on the bus. The TTC was fairly full but they found two seats in the back, slightly away from listening ears. Noah had his eyes out the window following the passing cars and buildings. “I didn’t mean to try and force you to do anything. It just… we’ve been together for a year and I’ve never seen you like that before. I’m always the one needing help that I think I forget that you’re not perfect.”

“Perfect?” Noah huffed a laugh. “Far from it, James.” 

“I know,” he sighed. “I figured out I’m not as good as you are with helping people. You seem to always know what I need and I couldn’t even help you once.”

“James,” Noah shifted in his seat to face him. “You did everything I need you to do.”

“Then why did you leave?” The younger boy looked like he wanted to touch James but he didn’t. 

“I needed time alone,” he replied honestly. “I needed to just… think and cry and be angry without you there because it’s easier that way. Because I needed to be in my own head for a bit, but I’m sorry I left like that.”

“I get it. Fight or flight.”

“Still pretty shitty,” Noah said.

“I’ll consider us even for that first night in high school.” Noah gave him a questioning look before remembering. Then he smiled at James for the first time in too long.

“Seems like forever ago.” 

“Hm,” James mused. “We’ve definitely changed since then.”

“I feel like I was so moody about everything,” Noah self-reflected. 

“Still are,” James corrected and the younger boy nudged him, but he didn’t move his shoulder away afterwards. They stayed with their bodies pressed next to each other.

“I missed you,” Noah said softly, taking his hand. James let the touch wash over him like a wave of relief. 

“Is it bad that I can’t spend a week without you?” James asked when he kissed the side of his face, right below his winter hat. 

“Oh, good, I thought I was the only one,” he sighed, a smile on his lips. “Seems dangerous, this codependency.”

“Where’s your sense of adventure,” James whispered to him, a laugh on the tip of his tongue. They revealed in a calm silence until the bus dinged for a stop and his boyfriend tugged him to his feet. 

“I can’t be late,” he repeated seriously. “Come on.” 

Noah pulled him off of the bus and onto another downtown street. Their fingers were entwined as he led him towards a building pushing open the glass doors to let them in. 

“Okay,” Noah sighed, running his fingers through his hair when he took off the tuque. “I’ll be here for like thirty minutes so…”

“I can wait,” James shrugged looking around the grey lobby in search of what it was. 

“You sure? You can go back home and I’ll see you there.”

“I’m sure,” he assured him. “But um… where are we?”

Noah cleared his throat and pointed to the sign by the elevator. “Floor five.” 

> FLOOR 5
> 
> _Alexandria Quintana, MS Certified Mental Health Counsellor_

James looked to Noah but the boy had already left his side to move towards the elevator, pressing the button with a nervous tap of his foot. James didn't want to make a big deal about it and obviously Noah didn't want him too. The other day, he'd been offended by Noah's reaction to his suggestion about therapy but now that he thought about it-- James had felt the same way before he went. He hadn't been worried what other people would think of him, but he had been more worried about what he would learn about himself. Noah wasn't scared about the reactions of others. He wasn't disgusted by the thought of mental health counselling. He was scared of what he would find out about all the thoughts and memories he'd supressed for years.

James walked over to him, and without saying a word, he laced their fingers together. When they stepped inside and the doors began to close, he squeezed the boy's hand.

"Minute by minute," James said. Noah looked down at his feet, before casting a glance over to him.

His boyfriend gave him a small smile, before leaning into his arm. "Minute by minute." 

  
  



	33. (Extras) February

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> FEBRUARY 14th 2022 || James Min

When James’ alarm rang at six thirty in the morning, the sky was still pitch black outside. Holding in a goan of exhaustion, he reached over to the bedside table to turn off the sound. Noah had only fallen asleep a few hours ago, the younger boy tossing and turning uncomfortably all night. He kept kicking off the sheets and then pulling them back on. He was curled up against James one minute but then on the opposite side of the bed the next, and it had kept the older boy awake the entire time. 

Currently, Noah’s arms were wrapped around his torso, his mouth open as he breathed. Pressing a kiss to the top of his head, James carefully untangled himself from his boyfriend. He already knew when his feet hit the floor, that today was going to be a terrible day. 

And the day's course of events would prove his instincts right... until they didn't. 

The first shitty thing to happen was when he’d taken a shower that morning there were no towels. To make matters worse, he was running behind so he was forced out of the apartment with wet hair into the frigid February winter. His jacket zipper had broken and he couldn’t seem to fix it, so he was stuck holding it closed his entire commute. He’d gotten to his first course in time for his quiz, but with a quick glance over the questions, he quickly realized that everything he’d studied for wasn’t on the test. 

He spent the rest of his day in back to back lectures, until he went to work. When he arrived at the bookstore, his boss asked him to also work his co-worker Reily’s shift since he called in sick, which meant James ended up working until closing. 

So now, it was seven o’clock at night, his phone was dead, the subway was delayed-- Oh, and it was Valentine’s Day. 

He had plans with Noah to spend the entire rest of the night not thinking about upcoming essays and complicated work schedules. They were going to go out for dinner and then go home and finally have time to themselves. Between Noah working four nights a week and trying to maintain his 4.0 average, plus James’ own job and merciless semester schedule, and their individual therapy sessions, it was like they never spent any time with each other. He missed him. 

* * *

James let out an exhausted sigh as the door of the apartment shut and locked behind him. He leaned up against the door, letting his horrible day roll off him like a wave. Finally, he was home. 

He peeled away the layers of winter clothes, until he was padding down the hall in socks, jeans, and a hoodie. The place was empty with Elijah at his boyfriend’s for the night and Lynn off doing who knows what. James had the faintest suspicion that she was dating someone but he had more important things to focus on at the moment. 

“Noah?” he called out, poking his head into the living room. When he didn’t get a reply from, he reached into his pocket for his phone. Noah should have been home by now. Pulling it out he remembered that it had died an hour and half ago and so he sighed yet again. In search of a charger, he walked over to their bedroom. Stopping at the threshold of the door, James’ frown (which seemed to have been permanent all day) melted into a small smile. 

Laying on top of the comforter in a peaceful sleep was Noah. He felt his shoulders drop at the sight of him, and he studied the peaceful lines of his face. As he did he noted that he seemed…  _ off. _ Suddenly, his boyfriend let out a horrible cough that shook his body.

Concerned, James moved over to his side, crouching down to place a hand on his forehead. He made a face at how hot his skin felt. 

Noah didn’t get sick very often; his immune system was one of an impressive strength. In actuality, James had never seen him with a cold before. As he brushed back curls that had stuck to the boy’s face, Noah began to stir awake. His eyes blinked open slowly and heavily, registering what was happening. 

“You’re home,” he said with a hoarse voice that he tried to clear away.

“And you’re sick,” James replied, kissing the top of his head. 

“I’m fine,” he countered sniffling as he went to sit up. James watched him carefully as he looked about ready to pass out from the movement.

“Is that open for debate?” he asked him, his lips pressed in a thin line of worry. 

“I don’t get sick,” Noah fought back weakly. “ “I’ve already hit my quota for the next ten years. It’s just allergies.”

“Allergies?” James snorted. “It’s February, what pollen is there?”

“Enough,” he grumbled, running a hand over his face. The older boy, who’d moved to stand, crossed his arms and tilted his head at the excuse. 

Noah pouted with big eyes. “But it’s Valentine’s Day. We had plans and we’ve barely seen each other lately.” 

James smiled at him, dropping his arms down to his sides. “We’ll just do Valentine’s Day next week. We’ll find time.”

Noah coughed into his arm again, the sound deep and painful. 

“I’m sorry,” he sighed, his voice falling to a whisper with his sore throat. 

“Why are you sorry?” 

“Because you deserve a special day but now my immune system’s fucked it all up.” James’ features softened, his heart skipping a beat. 

He sat down next to him, the mattress dipping under his weight. He was positive that if James hadn’t stopped him, this boy would have trudged through the snow to make their dinner reservation sick and all. 

“Valentine's Day is just a bullshit holiday invented by capitalism,” James told him, using Noah’s own words against him. His boyfriend gave him a weak smile.

“And yet it still sucks not to celebrate it.”

“We are celebrating it,” he shrugged. “We’re together, aren’t we?” 

“Is that enough?” James kissed his shoulder. 

“It’s always more than enough.” Something glimmered in Noah’s tired eyes, like the twinkle of a star. It seemed to always be there whenever James said something that mattered to him. They sat silent for a moment, but Noah eventually gave in.

“Okay,” he said softly. “But I get to spoil you next week.” 

James gave a light laugh. “Deal.” 

Noah studied his face for as if thinking about something, and then without saying a word, he clambered off the bed. 

“Where do you think you’re going?” James scolded him. “You shouldn’t be walking around.” The younger boy waved him off with the flick of his wrist as he headed to the door. 

“Put on pajamas,” he began, taking a step into the hall. “I’ll be right back. Oh, and get the extra blanket.” That was all he said before leaving the room. 

Shaking his head at his boyfriend’s stubbornness, James did what he was told. He changed quickly, wanting nothing more to get rid of clothes he’d worn all day; the flannel pjs were more comfortable than his jeans.

Opening the closet’s door, he reached up and tugged down the big blanket that was folded on the top shelf. When he did, something fell with it, having been yanked along with the force. Tossing the quilt onto the bed, he bent down to grab the shoe box that had been dislodged from the very back of the closet. 

Curiously, James opened it. The corner of his mouth pulled up as he reached into the box and trifled through its contents. Sticky notes, cards, movie tickets, drawings, receipts, little nick nacks, photos-- it was full with everything James had ever given Noah over the past year; filled with memories of their relationship. At the very bottom he found the first ever note he’d given him. __

> _ Somewhere in another universe there’s a James who gets to wake up with you again. He’s one lucky bastard. You’re beautiful when you sleep. _

He swallowed down the memory. It was bitter sweet, but James couldn’t help but think about the difference a year made. Now he got to sleep next to Noah every night, and wake up next to him every morning, and he was in fact  _ one lucky bastard _ , but some things hadn’t changed; Noah was still just as beautiful in his sleep. 

As he heard Noah’s footsteps coming down the hall, James closed the box and pushed it back into its place. The younger boy was soon back in the room, his laptop pressed up against his chest. 

“Alright,” he announced, his voice sounding ever so slightly better. “I’m on two Tylenols and a shot of Buckley’s.” As he sat the computer on the bed, James came up behind him and pulled him into his arms. 

“I love you,” he whispered into his ear. Noah relaxed in his arms, leaning back against his chest and letting himself be held.

“I love you too, baby.” They stayed like that for a moment before Noah twisted around in the embrace. He rested his head against James’ shoulder. “I’d kiss you but then you’ll get sick too.” 

“As if I’m not going to get sick anyway,” James rolled his eyes playfully. “Come ‘ere.” He bent his head down and pecked his lips. "Happy Valentine's Day."

After another minute of standing in circles by each other, they crawled onto bed to watch a movie. As Noah searched for something specific, James ordered them dinner on his phone. 

“What are we watching?” he asked Noah as he submitted the payment and shut off his phone to let it charge. His boyfriend didn’t answer, he only hit the spacebar of his laptop and began the film. 

As the first shot of the movie lit up the screen, James smiled with a warm feeling spreading across his chest. Noah snuggled up next to him, resting his head in the older boy’s lap as James sat against the headboard. They were wrapped in blankets, the lights turned off letting the screen light them in a soft, blue glow.

_ Two households, both alike in dignity, in fair Verona, where we lay our scene, from ancient grudge break to new mutiny, where civil blood makes civil hands unclean. From forth the fatal loins of these two foes a pair of star-crossed lovers take their life, whose misadventured piteous overthrows doth with their death bury their parents’ strife. The fearful passage of their death marked love.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CANADIAN INDEX (in order of appearance)
> 
> Buckley's: A Canadian cough syrup that is-- the worst-- thing you have ever tasted in your life. IT TASTES LIKE ASS and IT BURNS YOUR THROAT. But it works like a miracle and honestly, I wouldn't use any other brand. That shit clears your sinus and soothe your throat (after it massacres it) #notsponsered


	34. (Extras) March

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> MARCH 5th 2022 || James Min

James had his arm draped over Noah’s shoulder as they shared a laugh, their heads inclining together subconsciously as they did. Across from them, Kassi and Zara were sharing a look with each other from over the rims of their drinks. 

The couple had invited them out for a late celebration of Noah’s nineteenth birthday-- Kassi, having been offended that she hadn’t been told in January of the boy’s coming of age. 

“I pass this place every day on my way to campus,” Noah noted, looking around. “But I never knew it was actually cool inside.”

“That’s why you got me,” Kassi prided themself from the other side of the booth. They had the straw of their drink between their fingers as they swirled the ice of the-- James didn’t really know what she was drinking but it was pink. 

“Have you been to every bar and club in Toronto?” James laughed at them, his fingers mindlessly fidgeting with the short sleeve of Noah’s t-shirt.

“Almost,” they smiled cheekily. “Right, babe?” 

“They have a list,” Zara explained, taking a sip of her rum. “It’s like an alcoholics bucket list.”

“You flatter me,” Kassi replied with a pulled smile of sarcasm. Their girlfriend matched their expression in mockery. Noah met James’ eye and they shared a thought they always seemed to have:  _ they’re cute together. _

“It’s almost been a year, hasn't it?” James asked his friend. Kassi nodded, their expression turning sweet as they face him again. 

“I still remember that first date,” Zara added in. She was an interesting person. She was wearing a vegan, black leather jacket and thigh high boots. Her faded purple hair pulled back tightly into a ponytail on the top of her head. When resting, her face dared you to threaten her and yet when Kassi spoke she was sweet; her personality was fairly divided between ‘I can, and will, kill you’ and ‘aw babe!’. 

“I remember being on FaceTime with you,” Kassi pointed to James, as they leaned against their girlfriend. “And you were freaking out over finding a promposal idea.”

“You were?” Noah peered up at him.

“They say ‘freaking out’ when really I was casually nervous. I knew you were going to say ‘yes’--”

“--but you said he ‘deserved something special’,” they shared. “It was nauseatingly adorable. But, now  _ I _ can be nauseatingly adorable.” They kissed Zara on the cheek much to the latter’s surprise. It caught her off guard, her face flushing as her eyes softened. This was the ‘aw babe!’ version of the OCAD girl.

While James was watching them, he too was caught off guard by Noah’s kiss on his face.

“What was that for?” he asked him with a smile. 

“No reason,” the younger boy shrugged. “Do I need one?” James smiled at him, but before he could kiss him back, Noah placed a hand on his chest. “Do you know what song this is?” 

James paused, turning his head slightly to hear it better. The people on the dance floor seemed unaffected by the change of music--probably too drunk to notice or care. The lyrics of the song were familiar but he couldn’t quite place where he’d heard it. 

“It's played on the radio a lot,” James shrugged, not recalling the title. “It’s old, isn’t it?”

“What is?” Zara asked, joining the conversation. 

“The song,” he told her. She thought about it, shaking her head.

“Not really. Maybe like two years? It’s Dua Lipa.” 

Noah was looking at him, waiting for something to click in James’ mind but nothing did. 

“No?” Noah laughed, rolling his eyes at his boyfriend. “Alright.”

“Am I supposed to know this song?” he furrowed his brows. Noah clicked his tongue, his smile still pulling on his features. “You’re not going to tell me, are you?”

“Nope. I’ll let you have a good think about it.”

His boyfriend turned his body entirely to face him, James arm slipping off his shoulder to land back in his own lap. He watched the English major with a light-hearted enjoyment, finding it fun to see James struggling to remember. 

Narrowing his eyes, he looked at Noah, trying to read his thoughts. He normally could but he couldn’t this time; the club lights that were glossing over his irises were too distracting. But then after a second, he realized what he’d been meant to recall.

James let out a sigh, his eyes closing for a moment before looking back at Noah. 

“ _ This _ song,” he smiled. His boyfriend returned the expression. 

_ “This  _ song.” James pulled him closer by his waist, until their lips were pressed together.

Kissing Noah during this song was like coming full circle.

As he held him, the memory of that night washed over him like a movie playing behind his eyelids. The smell of cheap beer and wine. A small, weak disco ball that projected sharp lines of green and blue and red with a harsh, yet somehow faded glow. The feeling of  _ want _ so deep in his chest it ached. 

From across the apartment he’d seen Noah, his arms wrapped around Emma as he kissed her. This Dua Lipa song blasting through Elijah’s speaker-- his playlist filled with the top radio songs of the summer. He could still see the girl’s arms reach around Noah’s neck, her hands no doubt running down his back as she held him tighter than he was holding her. James had gone to that party to get a sign. In the few days before, Noah had brushed him off in the hall and James thought that maybe he’d misread him. Maybe he wasn’t interested, but something clawed in the back of his head-- something was telling him to try again. 

He’d tried to go alone, but Jessica wouldn’t let him. With his parent’s still out, she wasn’t going to let him go hang out around alcohol without a chaperone. So he’d begrudgingly taken her along, and when he’d arrived he’d caught Noah’s eyes across the party. He was looking at James like he wanted to cross the room and push him up against a wall-- the look making James’ stomach clench. But then he’d begun to kiss his girlfriend, the complete opposite of what James had thought he wanted to do. He’d had to look away because it made him feel nauseous to see him kiss her. Especially when all the older boy wanted to do was see if he could taste the lime from Noah’s beer on his tongue. 

It hadn’t been until he and Jessica were dancing, Noah ahead of him-- that he’d given the boy one more chance.  _ Show me a sign. One. I’ll leave you alone afterwards.  _

Then this song played and Emma had kissed Noah. He’d thought that was it-- but then, James couldn’t help but smirk victoriously as Noah opened his eyes. He’d wanted to see if James was watching him, or maybe he wanted to challenge him. Either way, in that moment, James knew he wasn’t going to back down. He was going to win him over. 

“I don’t understand what’s happening,” Kassi commented, forcing James out of his head, making them pull apart. Noah blushed at the display, but behind his eyes, James could tell he’d been thinking about the same thing. 

“It’s…” James tried to explain it but couldn’t figure out how; at least not without soundin g extremely weird. 

“Our song?” Noah suggested. “Does this count as our song?”

“I guess,” James chuckled. “Wow, I thought our song would be less…”

“Something people are grinding to on the dance floor?” Noah offered, jokingly.

“This is your song?” Zara found the humour in it. “I would have pegged you both as… some slow, boring song that straight people dance to as their first dance.”

“Mmhmm,” Kassi agreed. “Like Christina Perri or John Legend.”

“I dare us to play this as our first dance,” Noah joined in. 

“I bet we could convince my mom it was played by accident,” James laughed. Noah snapped his fingers. 

“That could work.” There was a moment of calm as the teasing died down; a breath amongst the four friends as they in the aftermath of the joke. 

“Well boys,” Kassi downed their second drink. “We’re going to check out the dance floor.”

“We are?” Zara looked up at their partner who’d just slipped from the booth. “I guess we are. Coming?”

“That’s okay,” Noah told them, with the wave of his hand. “We’ll watch your stuff.” They both nodded and Kassi took Zara’s hand, yanking her up to her feet. Together they bounded for the dance floor, looking like two complete opposites of each other: pastel colour vs. black, day vs. night, sunshine vs. eclipse, but they didn’t seem to care. They just seemed in love and for that, James could relate. There was nothing quite like being in love.

“Can you believe that that night was a year and a half ago?” Noah shook his head in disbelief, taking a sip of his drink. 

“You looked good in glow paint,” James commented, noticing how it made the other boy flush. 

“You remember the glow paint?”

“I remember everything about that night,” he countered. Noah had one elbow propped up on the table as he turned inwards to face James. He rested his cheek against his hand.

“Everything?”

“Most things,” he gave in. “All the important things.”

“Like the glow paint.”

“Like your face,” James corrected. “You’re eyes under the stupid disco ball thing.”

“I bet we still have that somewhere,” Noah told him, smirking. “Probably in a box somewhere in Elijah’s room. We could find it.”

In the face of his boyfriend’s suggestive tone, he pressed on. “I remember needing a sign-- any sign that you were interested in me."

“Interested in you?” Noah scoffed. “I couldn’t even look at you without wanting to jump you. I tried very hard that night to be straight.”

“I hate to tell you,” James leaned in. “You failed.”

“Maybe I just gave up.” The song in the background shifted to another pop song, but the name of it escaped his mind as Noah distracted him. 

“I wanted to kiss you so bad that night,” James told him. Noah’s lips parted slightly and his gaze fell on them.

“I thought we were going to but Isla ruined all our plans.”

“Would you have let me kiss you in the kitchen?” Noah didn’t answer. Instead, he captured James’ lips with his own. The younger boy reached out and carded his fingers through James’ hair, before his hand traced down his neck and pressed into the older boy’s upper back. The odd angle of their bodies in the booth made it difficult for them to do much else, but it was alright. James touched his palm to his face, his thumb brushing over his jaw.

As their kiss deepened, James noted how kissing Noah had begun to change over time. It wasn't necessarily a new realization but it was something he'd started to notice. The very first time they kissed, it felt like something had set fire to James' body. It was like striking a match every time their lips met, even if it was for a brief, whisper of a moment. Then as they fell in love, it became like a void that needed to be filled by Noah's mouth on his. It was less of a ranging fire, and more of an aching need. Now as they settled into an easy rhythm together, it was like a comforting sensation. It was still hot and passionate and made James feel all types of ways, but it was also the most comforting thing in the world; the most familiar thing in the world. 

“God, we leave for like two seconds,” Kassi teased, dropping back into their spot across from them. Zara’s hair had come out of the ponytail and was now moving around her like a cascading waterfall of purple as she dropped down next to their partner. 

“Already given up?” James fired back playfully as Noah snuggled closer to him. 

“We are not cut out for all that mosh pit shit,” Zara told him. 

“I say we dip and go to that bar a few blocks down that has the _best_ fucking fries,” Kassi suggested. 

“I’m down,” Noah piped up. James’ attention fell back on him and his smile rested easily on his lips. It made him happy to know that his boyfriend liked his friends. “Baby?” He was called out from his mind. 

“Yeah,” James agreed, shaking loose from his thoughts. “Totally.”

“Great,” Kassi clapped their hands together. “Allons-y!” 

James rose from the booth, Noah’s hand in his as he followed after him. The four of them made their way through the crowd and out into the cool March night, their light jackets now pulled over their bodies. 

“Lead the way,” Zara told her partner, taking their hand. Kassi began to walk ahead with her, casting a look back to make sure the boys were following. They caught James’ eye, their gaze flickering to Noah who had his head rested against the older boy's shoulder. Kassi smiled with a knowing look-- a look that he thought only people in love could share. 

“Don’t fall behind loverboys,” they warned, before turning to focus on the sidewalk ahead. “Fries wait for no one!” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CANADIAN INDEX (in order of appearance)
> 
> OCAD: Ontario College of Art and Design


	35. (Extras) April

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> APRIL 2nd, 2022 || James Min

Sometimes James was oblivious to most things people would notice, especially if his thoughts were faraway. Normally, he prided himself on being observant and cautious about everything in his surroundings but every now and then he let his guard slip, refocusing his energy to something else. Like today. 

James was at work, a small book shop in downtown Toronto that probably should have closed when Indigo and their branches started becoming too much competition. Yet, this small store was still standing and thriving thanks to everyone’s obsession with supporting local business and Instagram aesthetics. He had fifteen minutes till the end of his shift, his co-worker Riley coming to take over for him soon.

The store was empty as the Saturday afternoon turned closer to evening. His boss was upstairs in the office portion of the building, leaving James alone to work the floor surrounded by boxes of new books he had to shelf. He really didn’t want to be pricing books while his mind kept wandering to the fact that Noah was waiting for him at home. He especially didn’t want to be pricing books when he knew they’d have the apartment all to themselves tonight. The sharpy in his hand had stopped writing the numbers on the white sticker as his thoughts made his mind go blank. 

“Hi, James,” a sweet voice called him back to reality. He blinked up from his fingers —which were now stained black from where the marker had seeped through the label-- to find the brunette girl from his Romanticism lecture standing in front of him. 

“Beatrice,” he remembered her name. “Hey.” She smiled at him, brushing a strand of her dark brown hair behind her ear as she casted a look around. 

“This place is really cute,” she commented. A few weeks ago the international student from the States had spoken to him about the book he was reading and she’d ask how he knew so much about unknown literature gems. He’d confessed that the small bookstore he worked at seemed to have a surplus of random books that were underrated. She’d asked for the address.

“Nothing like a small bookstore,” he told her. “I think it’s impossible for them not to be cool.” The other English major nodded with what he said. 

“It’d be breaking all the rules of the book aesthetic hashtag on Insta if it weren’t.” He hummed a light laugh at her joke. 

“So what brings you in, Beatrice? Hunting for your own hidden gem?” he asked, slipping off the checkout counter and onto his feet. He wiped his inked fingers across his jeans but the colour had already dried. 

“The cute sales rep in the cute book shop.” Now, James was not dumb by any means, but his brain didn’t seem to be picking up on the subtly, or lack there of, to her comment.

“Ah,” he mused. “Riley's shift starts in fifteen minutes.” She playful rolled her eyes but James didn’t catch it as he picked up a stack of priced books and walked them past her to the display table. 

“Would the cute boy who works in the cute bookshop be single by any chance?” she inquired, with a shy smile. James thought about if Riley had ever managed to break up with that girlfriend he was always complaining about.

“Hm,” he hummed, dropping the books on the table. “I think he is.” He looked over to meet her eye and she blushed. It should have been at this point where his brain caught up with what was happening, but it was still lingering over memories of Noah. 

“I’m surprised,” she teased, leaning her lower back against the table as he organized the new releases. They were practically shoulder to shoulder as she looked up at him. “I would have thought he was taken. You know, with being so cute. Well, lucky me I guess.” 

James was straightening a pile of books, when he felt Beatrice’s hand drag down his arm. Whipping his head to the side, he came face to face with her. Before he could say anything, the front door bell chimed causing both of them to turn the entrance. Standing at the front of the shop was Noah looking--  _ fucking hot. _

“Hey baby,” he greeted him as he pushed his sunglasses up into his soft curls. His plaid button down was open and rolled up to his elbows, with a black shirt underneath that was fitted like a glove against his body. On top of all that, he was wearing those dark wash skinny jeans with the rips at the knees that hugged him so well that James thought it should have been considered illegal. _God, those jeans._

“What are you doing here?” James smiled, asking with a surprised tone. Noah glanced over at Beatrice, who’s hand was still on James’ forearm. She removed her touch at the younger boy’s lingering judgement. 

“I got bored waiting for you at home,” he returned his attention back to James. “But you’ve got a customer, just ignore me.” James went to tell him that Beatrice wasn’t really a customer but Noah stopped him. “Don’t worry about me, baby," then a wicked smirk pulled to his lips. "I get to have you  _ all night _ .”

James swallowed at the tone that underlined his boyfriend's voice; a sinful tone that brought a blush to the older boy's cheeks. Noah winked at him before going into one of the aisles.

“Uh,” Beatrice cleared her throat for a second. “Who’s that?

“My boyfriend,” he answered, his blush still not having fully faded from his complexion. “I don’t know where he’s gone, or I’d introduce you two.”

“Boyfriend?” she repeated, still one step behind. “Ah, well… maybe another time. I’ve got to get going.”

“You’re not going to wait for Riley?” She opened her mouth and then closed it again. 

“Nope,” she forced a smile as she pushed herself off the table and to the door. “But it was uh, nice seeing you.”

As her figure retreated out the front door, James left his spot at the table to go find Noah. His boyfriend was waiting for him in between the stacks, his arms crossed over his chest, a slightly annoyed expression on his face.

“What?” James asked slowly, as he approached him. 

“Oh, nothing,” he shrugged. “Just thought that was interesting.”

“What was?” 

“The girl who was hitting on you,” he explained. James froze for a second, turning his head back to where he’d come from. 

“Beatrice?” he sounded shocked. “No.”

“Yes.” Noah licked his lips, a smirk pulling at the corner of his mouth. “Was it not obvious when she ran her hand down your arm, or does that only send red flags if it's some guy doing it to me?”

“I…” he thought about it. “Huh. I’m really oblivious today.”

“Hmm,” Noah hummed, turning to the bookshelf to continue searching the spines. 

“You’re jealous.”

“Yup,” Noah agreed, popping the ‘p’ at the end of the word. He reached for a random book, pulling it out of it’s spot.

“Not even going to deny it anymore?” James laughed. Noah shot him a mocking smile from over his shoulder.

“Nope.” He began flipping through the pages of the book. “I’m just embracing it.” James closed the rest of the distance between them, plucking the hardcover from him and turning it over in his hands. 

“You’re cute when you’re jealous,” he teased, returning it to the shelf. Noah scoffed, crossing his arms.

“If anything I am intimidating.” James looked him up and down. His boyfriend managed to strike a balance between being as cute as a button and looking like he could kill you with a button. It was a very attractive balance.

“You did manage to scare her off,” James told him as Noah seemed to give himself a mental pat on the back. 

“Thought so,” he replied proudly. James pulled him towards him by the loops of his jeans. 

“You didn’t have to worry about her,” he told him, wrapping his arms around his hips.

“No?” Noah said, running his hands over the older boy’s chest. “Your oblivious ass would have let her kiss you before you noticed she was into you.” 

“I’m not oblivious,” he defended with a shy smile. “I was distracted.” Noah raised his brow. 

“Please do tell,” his boyfriend prompted. “Was it her eyes?”

“Yours.”

“My what?”

“Your eyes,” James ran his hands up his back, under his plaid shirt. “I’ve spent my entire shift thinking about you-- so much that I basically manifested you.” 

Noah studied his face closely for a moment. “That’s an acceptable answer.” 

James chuckled, shaking his head before dipping down to catch his lips. He could feel Noah smile against the kiss. Soon Riley would be here to take over and they could go back home. The whole day had been an endless stare at the clock, and now with Beatrice, James just wanted to end the day as he planned. 

In this moment, as he held Noah against him, hidden in the stacks of books, he realized he was a hypocrite. He was a hypocrite because he didn’t understand how someone could cheat on a person. How could someone just wake up one day, go to work, get hit on by some cute person and forget that there was someone waiting for them at home. But he’d done it before. He’d woken up, gone to school, saw the most beautiful boy and forgotten about his girlfriend. 

He felt nauseated by the idea that, even though Noah was lighthearted about the situation, James knew he felt insecure sometimes. James had cheated on Jessica with him, and he was afraid their relationship would end the same way. He probably walked in and saw Beatrice’s hand on his arm and thought  _ today’s the day _ . He felt sick about it. What would have happened if she had tried to kiss him and managed to? James didn’t want to think about it. 

“I love you,” he whispered, pulling his head back for a second-- the words needing to be said immediately to calm his mind.

“I know,” his boyfriend smiled. “I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CANADIAN INDEX (in order of appearance)
> 
> Indigo: Indigo Book and Music is a Canadian bookstore that is EVERYWHERE. It no longer just sells books and book accessories but also wellness things, writing accessories, lifestyle/fashion and home decor things, and also technology like Kobos and FitBits. They also sell toys and baby stuff. They bought out Chapters our original bookstore and their dominance in the book industry has most certainly impacted little shops.


	36. (Extras) May

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> MAY 8th, 2022 || Noah Olsen and Natalie Cole

**N O A H**

To Noah, Mother’s Day hadn’t had a happy memory since his childhood. 

In 2019 his father wasn’t home for the day. His mother had just brushed it off like she always did, kissing Noah on the top of his head and telling him it was ‘alright’. 

In 2020 he’d seen the light in his mother’s eyes break like a glass shattering against the ground. Mother’s Day had come with the news that his father was having an affair. It had come with the news that his mistress was pregnant. It had come with the news that the baby was due at the end of the month. 

In 2021 he’d visited her in the mental health facility and she’d said that she didn’t deserve to celebrate the occasion. The day only served as a reminder to how much she didn’t believe she was a good mother. 

Now, in 2022 he thought this year might go smoothly. Natalie was no longer in the clinic and she was staying in special housing that offered twenty four hour mental health services. She had her independence back and seemed so excited to start her new life. 

“Mama!” Noah called out as he unlocked the door to her apartment. The one bedroom layout wasn’t anything that Architectural Digest was going to write about, but it did its job. It was smaller than his place and definitely not as well decorated or expensive as James’ family home, but it felt like his mother. 

He took off his shoes as he pocketed his keys, turning the lock on the door to close himself in. 

“Getting dressed!” Natalie shouted from her room and he sighed looking around the place. It was cleaned, meticulously, which was… odd. His mother was tidy but never to the point where everything looked like polished silver. He narrowed his eyes at the impeccably organized shoes all straightened into a perfect row arranged by colour. 

Shaking his head at the observation he walked into the kitchen and noted how it also shined like the floors and the doorknobs. He reached for an apple from the basket of fruit and sat himself on the countertop. Taking a bite, he made a face at how bitter it was. 

“Counters are for food not butts,” Natalie chided as she walked in seeing him. 

“Where’d you get these apples,” he asked her, spitting out the piece he had in his mouth. She made a disgusted face as she plucked it from his fingers and tossed it into the trash.

“You shouldn’t be eating anyways,” she sent him a look as she went to wash her hands. “We’re going out for that.”

“Speaking of,” he smiled, hopping off the counter and making his way over to the sink. “Happy Mother’s Day.” He kissed her cheek.

“Thank you, baby,” she smiled. “Now wash your nasty hands.” 

“Your phone has more germs than your mouth,” he told her as she dried her own hands.

“ _ More _ , but your mouth still has them and who knows where that’s been.”

“I’m going to tell James you think he’s dirty.” She pinched his side as she passed him to get her shoes. “Ow!” 

“That’s for sassing me.”

“ _ That’s for sassing me _ ,” he mocked, shutting off the tap. She sent him a glare from over her shoulder. 

“Your attitude is unwelcomed, check it,” she warned and he raised his hands in surrender. “You may live on your own but I’m still your mother, not your friend. I put--”

“You into this world, I can take you out,” he recited his mother’s famous line. “Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it.” Her pointed look softened into a fond one that felt slightly reminiscent. She slipped into her heels and she turned to face him again. 

“How do I look?” He looked at her light blue dress studying it with a dramatic pause. 

“Pretty,” he concluded but she sighed. He hesitated. “Is pretty not good enough?” 

“I’m finally meeting James’ mother. I need to be at her level.” Noah didn’t understand what that meant. 

“You look good!” he tried again, hoping she wouldn’t go change. He was starving and the apple had only ruined the taste in his mouth.

“You’ve shown me photos of her, she always looks so put together.” He blinked at her, unsure of where any of this was coming from.

“Mama, you’re perfect,” he walked over to her. “You could show up in pajamas and Charlotte wouldn’t bat an eye. She’s not like that.” The Williams were rich and Natalie and Noah weren’t. They’d met their fair share of people who were snobby and backhanded, nothing like Charlotte and Henry. 

“Okay…” she hesitated. 

“Trust me,” he took her hand supportively. “Charlotte is really nice and sweet and she doesn’t care about what you wear. She’s like you-- you wouldn’t care.”

“Every person judges other people, Noah.”

“But good people don’t let their judgments stand alone, right?”

“When did you start sounding so grown up?”

“I grew up,” he shrugged. “But not that much.”

**N A T A L I E**

Natalie had been stressing out about meeting Charlotte for the past week, manifesting all of that energy into cleaning. She didn’t know why the brunch date had gotten to her since it was only supposed to be a fun ‘mother-son outing’ as Noah put it. At first she was flattered that Charlotte wanted to meet her, but soon that flattery turned into a detached anticipation, that turned into worry, that turned into panic. 

Natalie didn’t care about her dress, or what the other woman would think about it. She was worried that the other woman would think about  _ her _ . Noah always spoke highly of his boyfriend’s mother and from what she’s gathered, she seems to be an amazing woman. From all she knew of her, Natalie was already self-conscious. Herself, she was neither married, nor accomplished like Charlotte. She’d been in a mental health facility for eighteen months and was still finding herself slipping most days. She was nothing like the other woman. 

But today wasn't really about Natalie, no matter the occasion. It was about meeting a person who Noah considered family. She could tell her son was happily in love with James-- she thought that anyone who saw them could tell. She didn't know how long that love would last, but regardless of it lasting another year or the rest of his life, she’d have to interact with Charlotte. Natalie was going to try her hardest to do this  _ one _ thing for Noah. 

The meal had gone smoothly and Natalie was surprised by how much Charlotte seemed to care about Noah. She’d hugged him tightly when she’d seen him, asking how he was while she did the motherly once over. But Natalie couldn’t have been jealous of that, since she’d done it herself with James. But she began to feel an unnecessary and unwelcomed pang in her stomach everytime Charlotte knew something about Noah that Natalie didn’t. 

The boys had suggested a walk down to the lake on the warm May afternoon and the mothers couldn’t help but agree. Now as the ladies walked with their shoes in their hands, ahead of them, Noah and James strolled, their fingers laced together as their laughter was carried by the wind. 

“They’re always so happy together,” Natalie commented as James whispered something in Noah’s ear and the other boy shoved him playfully. 

“Hmm,” Charlotte hummed, although the brunette couldn’t tell if it was in agreement with her or not. “They’ve had their fair share of horrible days, but that makes seeing them happy so much better, doesn’t it?” 

“Horrible days?” Although Natlaie knew they must’ve had their arguments or whatnot, Noah had never told her about them. She assumed he didn’t want to upset her while she was in treatment, but she still couldn’t help but feel left out.

“James especially but it puts Noah through some long one.”

“Has James had many episodes with him?” Charlotte thought about it, seeming to be counting in her mind. 

“A few.” Natalie looked at James closely. The taller boy’s short sleeve button up was open over a white shirt. It caught the breeze and moved behind him as his sunglasses perched on his nose. She caught a glimpse of his smile each time he turned back to check in on the mothers, it was a peaceful one. 

That was the thing about mental health. You could very rarely see it just by looking at the person. James looked like any other twenty year old and people who saw him probably didn’t realize how much he was fighting behind his eyes.

“They have their fights,” Charlotte continued. “Their little spats over silly things like movies and toothpaste, but this is what they’re like afterwards. Never as if nothing’s happened, but always wanting to move forward.”

Natalie was starting to realize where Noah was getting his wise words from. Between Charlotte and James, he was surrounded by eloquently put statements. She wondered if James’ father spoke similarly, with an educated tongue.

“Does James tell you much about them?” 

“As much as any other boy would tell his mother,” she smiled, amused. “He probably tells Henry more than he tells me, but it all comes back to these ears in the end. He tells me enough to keep me in the loop, but never too much.”

“I feel left out of Noah’s life,” Natalie found herself confessing to Charlotte. “He doesn’t tell me things about himself. I don’t think he ever really did.”

“How do you mean?” 

“He’s always been independent,” she recalled as she searched for memories. “He’s always been a worrier. He tends to hide his emotions away and hide things about himself because he’s worried about others; about how they’ll see him or about how it’ll affect them. I’m realizing now how little I know about him.”

“It’s not all your fault,” Charlotte comforted, running her hand through her blonde hair as the wind blew strands in her face. “You can’t force him to tell you things.”

“But it doesn’t help that I’ve missed out on so much time with him.”

“The years you miss never matter as much as the years you’re with them.” 

“I’ve missed an entire year and a half of his life,” she explained. “How do I get that back?”

“You don’t,” Charlotte smiled sadly. “We only got Jamie when he was five. I missed five whole years of his childhood. I never got to hold him as a baby or see his first steps or hear his first words, but in the end, those years I missed don’t matter to me as much as all the other fifteen I’ve gotten.”

“Noah practically raised himself,” she told her. “Even before everything, I was always working and his father was never around. I may have missed a lot this past year, but I’ve never really been a mother to begin with. You have. You raised a great kid.”

“Noah is,” Charlotte seemed lost for a word. “An indescribably wonderful person. He treats my son with the most love and compassion. You did that. You instilled those values in him. Being home to cook a meal or to read a book-- yes those are things all kids need their parents to do, but setting a good example? That’s what’s most important. Noah looked at you and saw a hardworking woman, who was kind and treated others decently. I don’t think it’s my place to say, but I don’t think he got those from Robert.”

“No,” Natalie snorted. “Definitely not.” 

“When I first met him I was nervous,” Charlotte spoke honestly. “My son is my world. He’d been through so much that I couldn’t even begin to describe. To just… accept that a new stranger was coming in his life and was going to take up such a big part of it, I was worried.”

“And that’s gone away?” 

“James had a depressive episode last April. Noah and him, they’d gotten into a fight, although I don’t know about what. They weren’t speaking but I texted Noah to tell him. He called me right away, asking how he was. He said he wanted to give him space, but that he’d come anyway. He’d shown up when he didn’t have any obligation to. Then that night he’d promised that he’d take care of James the next day so we could go to work. Henry told me to trust him but… my nervousness came back. I reluctantly went to work and all day I was scared out of my mind because Noah hadn’t called me once for anything. I came home and I couldn’t believe it. James had showered and eaten more than he had all that week, and Noah had replaced his bed sheets. It wasn’t a miracle by any means. It wasn’t that he came in and saved the day because that’s not how depression works. James could have just as easily not showered or not eaten, but it was just the fact that Noah had tried to get him to do those things.”

“Noah did that?” Natalie smiled at her son, although he couldn’t see it. Ahead of them, the boys had run further up the shore, their shoes and socks left in the sand as they seemed to be looking for shells and rocks. Noah plucked the treasure from his boyfriend’s hands, the older boy grabbed his waist in retaliation. They almost lost balance, falling into the water below them, but they steadied each other. She couldn’t hear their laughs but she could see them in the lines of their faces. James dipped his head down to bury his face in the crook of Noah’s neck and they stood there for a moment. They remained still in each other’s arms for a minute, as the water rushed past their ankles and the breeze blew through their hair. 

“Yes,” Charlotte answered. “He did all that. You’re too hard on yourself. We both raised two great kids who seemed to have found each other.”

Tearing her gaze from the private moment, she turned her attention to Charlotte. “I would not be surprised if ten years from now, we’ll be walking the lakeshore again but with a grandkid trying to eat the sand.”

Charlotte gave a laugh, her smile reaching her eyes. “Knowing Jamie it wouldn’t just be one.”

“Imagine having found the right person on your first try,” Natalie shook her head in disbelief. She reached up with her free hand to tuck a strand of her curly brown hair behind her ear.

“It’s unbelievable,” the other woman agreed. “My husband is a romantic-- James gets it from him-- he’s always spouting nonsense about love at first sight and soulmates.”

“Do you not believe in that?”

“I love Henry,” she smiled to herself. “I will forever, but honestly? No, I think it’s complete bullshit.”

It was Natalie’s turn to chuckle. “Really?”

“Absolutely. Soulmates and love at first sight and fate and density-- I don’t believe in any of it, but if I did?” she paused for a moment, her eyes flickering to the boys who were now sharing a sweet kiss. “I’d think they’ve found it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Would you like to see more extras? Leave me a comment to let me know if you'd like more Skam Canada!
> 
> You can also leave me -in world- prompts for future extras based off of things you're curious about or would like to see (e.g. "How do the Brozzz react to the promise ring?"). 
> 
> Thank you for your continued support, comments, and kudos! Until next time,
> 
> Lots of love from Noah & James <3


	37. (Extras) Pathetic Fallacy or Symbolism?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Noah has just been given a promise ring for their two year anniversary and he's worried he'll pull a face muscle if he keeps grinning like an idiot. He wants to do something romantic-- something meaningful for James, to show the boy how much he means to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I'm a few hours late but, let's pretend it's still Halloween. Today, Oct. 31st, 2020 marks the day that Noah and James kiss for the first time! Ah! It thus marks their anniversary! 
> 
> To celebrate the occasion, this extra takes place just after James gives Noah his promise ring for their 2nd anniversary! (You can read that moment in the chapter titled 'Epilogue')
> 
> I have some other extras to post throughout the month leading into December so keep an eye out for updates!!

**C L I P O N E || _Monday Oct. 31st, 2022_ || 7:31am**

James had left Noah in a blissful state, tangled in bedsheets, and although his breathing had levelled a while ago, his heartbeat was still racing. He felt good, so good, almost invincible. It was a feeling of pure adrenaline that was coursing through his veins and he never wanted it to go away. He suddenly felt motivated to do things… anything-- he didn’t really care. 

Flinging his arm over his face, Noah gave a small laugh into the crook of his elbow. His face was starting to hurt at the grin pulling at his cheeks, but he didn’t want to stop. Today was already so perfect, that he was afraid if he gave the universe a chance, it would swoop in and ruin his mood. The only thing that would make it better would be James laying next to him still, but his boyfriend had to go to lecture early on Monday mornings. Why did Halloween have to be on a Monday this year? 

Uncovering his eyes he rose his left hand out in front of him, admiring it from below. If this was what it felt like to get a promise ring, he wondered what an actual engagement one would feel like. But the ring itself screamed more than  _ I’m taken _ . It was a promise, a promise that James wanted him forever.  _ You’re it for me, Noah Olsen, _ he’d told Noah just an hour and half ago. It might have been weird to other people how much they loved each other; ‘a borderline obsession’ was how Ben liked to describe it. It might have been weird how sure they were of each other, or about how much time they spent together, but to Noah and James it was their normal. 

Turning over, he buried his face into the older boy’s pillow, breathing in the scent that had become so familiar. A bit like fabric softener, a bit of cologne, the faint smell of apples-- it smelled like James, a combination of random things that all somehow worked. His shoulders relaxed as everything around him calmed like a leaf slowly floating downwards until finally reaching the ground. And as his heart settled with the room, he found himself drifting back to sleep. 

**C L I P T W O || _Monday Oct. 31st, 2023_ || 11:11am**

When he woke up three hours later, it was eleven o’clock in the morning with half a day still left to figure out how he was going to show how much he loved James. Even if the other boy said that this wasn’t a gift, Noah felt like he just needed to do something. So after his shower, he found himself wandering into the kitchen in search of some liquid motivation: coffee. 

“Morning,” Noah nodded to Elijah, who was flipping through a cookbook at the kitchen table. 

“It’s almost afternoon, Cupcake,” his guru chided without looking up. 

“Well if you’re going to be like that,” Noah crossed his arms over his chest with his smile unwavering, “then I’m going to tell Isla first.” 

Elijah flickered his eye up to him, curiously. “Tell her what?” Noah raised his brows and shrugged his shoulders. 

“I don’t know,” he played dumb.

“I am your guru,” Elijah gasped. “How dare you threaten to tell the neighbours before me.” 

He rolled his eyes. “You don’t even know what it is.”

“I am still offended!”

Noah studied him for a moment and then gave in under his big eyes. He lifted his hand to show him the ring. Elijah nearly tripped on the leg of the table as he moved towards him with the speed and energy of a subway train. 

“Not engaged,” Noah prefaced before he was asked to clarify. “Just a promise for someday.” 

“I’m going to cry,” Elijah screeched, at an ear piercing level. 

“I think I did enough of that for both of us. Coffee.” Noah walked away from him to start the Keurig.

“This is…” Elijah seemed to be misty eyed. “This is all a guru could ask for.” As Noah grabbed a puck from the box, he tossed a look over his shoulder at him. 

“It’s just a ring.” 

He gasped, “Just a ring!” 

Noah slipped the coffee mug under the machine as he closed the lid and pressed  _ start _ . He turned around and leaned against the countertop. “Obviously not to me, but to you it is. I don’t know if you know this Eli, but you’re not in my relationship.” 

“That ring means that I’ve succeeded as a guru! It is the most honourable testament to my holiness!” 

“I know you play this up,” Noah teased playfully motioning to him. “But why can’t you be normal?” 

He waved Noah off, returning to his chair. “Normal? You mean boring? Okay, lets try again but, I am nothing if not a method actor so give me a second to channel the most boring person I know.” When he sat down he closed his eyes and laid his palms upwards on the table. Then he found his inspiration and nodded to him. 

Noah sighed, somehow giving in. “Hey Elijah. I got a promise ring. Isn’t that great?” 

“Yay,” he said in a low, drawn out, sarcastic tone. “Does this mean you’re moving out now?” 

“Who was that supposed to be?” Noah asked when Elijah reverted back to himself. As the question left his mouth, Lynn walked into the room with her empty mug. 

“Oh, Jocelynn!” Eli exclaimed. “Noah got a promise ring!” 

“Yay,” she said in a monotone voice. “Does this mean you two are moving out now?” She placed her dirty dish in the sink and left for her room again. Noah’s jaw was open as Elijah smirked smugly. 

“Damn,” Noah mused, taking his freshly brewed coffee. “That was really good.” 

His roommate shrugged, flipping his nonexistent long hair, “Thank you. I’ll be waiting to hear back from the academy.” 

**C L I P T H R E E|| _Monday Oct. 31st, 2023_ || 7:01pm**

Noah was being drawn in by his hips, James’ lips already on his before the older boy had even shut the bedroom door. He’d just gotten back from his long day, the sun having already set by the time he returned. Lectures, tutorials, work-- they’d barely spoken since this morning and it was clear that the older boy had only one thing on his mind

Noah let out a surprised sound that quickly melted into a soft sigh. Hooking his arm around his neck, he pulled him further down to his height. The kiss was deep for a greeting, and much more than he’d been expecting. But he wasn’t mad. 

When they broke apart, Noah’s cheeks were pink and everything that he’d wanted to say had completely left his head. He must have looked practically wrecked. 

James smiled at him, no ounce of shyness in his smooth expression. “Hey.” Noah swallowed, trying to overcome how flustered he felt. 

“Hi.” Noah cleared his throat. “That was-- ehm.” James looked proud as he walked away to begin to change. “Actually, Romeo,” he said to stop him, touching his fingers to his arm. “We’re going out.” 

“Out?” James knew that Noah didn’t really like going out and making big deals about things. His boyfriend looked at him oddly, but more amused than worried. 

“Yes,” Noah told him. “I want to take you somewhere.” 

“Any place in mind?” 

He regained the upper ground, stepping onto his toes to bring them face to face. “Like I’m going to tell you.” 

James challenged him, raising his brows, but Noah pecked his lips and moved for the door. 

“Oh and--” he poked his head back in from the hall “--wear your leather jacket.”

**C L I P O N E || _Monday Oct. 31st, 2023_ || 8:00pm**

Noah had to admit, he was a sucker for his boyfriend in a leather jacket. Was it as bad as James had it for Noah in his black, ripped at the knee, skinny jeans? No. Noah possessed a level of power in those pants which he’d never conceded to James. It was dangerous. But that being said, the older boy in a leather jacket? It did things. 

James had already figured out what was happening the second the bus dropped them off at the corner of his parents’ street, but he didn’t say anything. Instead he just let Noah take his hand and lead him up the sidewalk in a direction that brought back many memories. Although they’ve walked this route many times since their first, it felt different tonight. 

Kids were out trick or treating, dressed up in Halloween costumes. They were laughing and shouting at each other, as they went from door to door with their bags and pillow cases. It seemed like there were more families moved into the neighbourhood, with the streets feeling a little more alive than they had two years ago. A lot could change in two years. 

When Noah finally stopped at a house, James pressed his lips together in a smile as he walked them one over. 

“So close,” Noah muttered in a laugh. His boyfriend shook his head with a playfulness, as Noah handed him ten dollars. Then with a light shove, he nudged the older boy towards the door. He walked up the stones to the porch, and soon he was knocking on the door. As he waited for an answer he casted a look back to Noah, who was watching him with a fond expression. His hands here laced in front of him as he gave him an encouraging nod. 

The door opened and the woman answered with a bowl of candy. James talked to her for a moment, the lady asking him how he was and noting how long it’d been since she’d seen him now that he moved.

“Shivani is old enough to trick or treat this year,” James informed him when he came back to his side. He handed Noah his bag of candy. “But they still collect.” 

“They’re good people,” he noted as he took his hand again and they continued on their way. As they made their way to the park, Noah’s eyes watched another group of kids barrel past them, his gaze following them for a bit. “I miss trick or treating.”

“When did you stop?” James asked as he rummaged through his candy options. 

“Sixteen?” Noah estimated, tilting his head side to side. “Ben couldn’t pass as a kid anymore. He blew our cover.” 

James snorted as he unwrapped a KitKat. “When I was little my parents used to take me, and force me to talk to kids my own age.” 

Noah could just imagine Charlotte dressing up a six year old James and pushing him out of his comfort zone. For someone who loved being around people, he was remarkably drained by it. 

“What was your favorite costume?” he asked as James handed him half of the chocolate. His boyfriend thought about it for a second.

“I was a battery one year.” Noah stopped walking to give him a look. 

“A what?”

“Like a Double-A battery. My dad made it out of cardboard and my mom painted it. I have absolutely no recollection of asking to be one, but my parents say I cried about it.” 

“That wasn’t a part of the embarrassing photo album your mom showed me!” 

James laughed almost victoriously. “That’s because I burned the evidence, my love.” Noah clicked his tongue at the unfairness, as they turned a corner.

The moon was beautiful tonight, and it seemed like for the first time in years, it wasn’t going to rain or snow. It was still cold though, obviously. It was never t-shirt weather in October, every child being forced to wear their winter jacket over their costume.

“You know,” Noah began, after a bit. He could feel James’ finger brushing over his ring as they held hands. “Elijah almost face planted on the kitchen floor when he saw my ring.”

“And you’re just telling me this now?” James poked, playfully. He reached up to comb his hair back, his leather jacket tightening around his bicep as he did. Noah hadn’t let himself admire the older boy in his Halloween costume that first year, too preoccupied by Jessica and Emma and the looming sexual tension that was sitting restlessly between them. But now, he could.

“Lynn thinks we should move out.” 

“Lynn needs to find us an affordable apartment in the city before she harps on that.” Noah joined him in a laugh. God, they wished they could move out and be on their own. Just the two of them, alone, always. Never thinking about how others see them, never having to lock doors or worry about privacy. But the housing market in this area was a fucking joke. 

“One day we’ll have a big house all to ourselves.”

James hummed as they crossed the street onto the park’s walkway. “With a library.” 

“Obviously,” Noah agreed, not speaking for himself. He couldn’t care less about if he even had a bookshelf, but it wasn’t for him. If he could, he’d give James every single book on the planet if it made him smile. Every single book, every single painting hanging in the Louvre. Every single love song; every single chord strummed and key played and note sung. Every single star in the sky, every single moon and planet, and every diamond carved from the earth. He’d give him whatever he wanted. No matter the challenge, the cost, the time, the distance-- because… because…

And his green eyes looked down at him as his lips rested into a gentle smile. A piece of his hair fell into his eye as he swept it away, a content and sweet expression on his face. 

Noah couldn’t tell what he looked like himself, but he felt his own eyes soften and his cheek pull up as his lips drew into a small smirk of pure love.

“Come on,” James whispered to him, dropping his hand to go up the playscape. Noah watched longingly as his boyfriend made it to the top and leaned his forearms on the railing, looking down at him with a grin. “Coming up, Juliet?” 

Noah stuffed his hands in his jacket pockets and shrugged. “Technically you’re Juliet right now, and I’m Romeo.” 

“I see,” James pressed his lips together in amusement. “Well then, wherefore art thou Romeo?” 

Rolling his eyes, but internally swooning, Noah climbed the ladder to meet him on the metal bridge. Their candy bags were discarded by their feet as they looked outwards towards the field. He leaned his head against James’ shoulder, his boyfriend’s cheek tipping down to press into his hair.

“I remember it like it was yesterday,” James said, his voice distant. “I was already so in love with you… I was so scared.” 

“Scared?”

“That I’d lose you before I even got you,” he confessed sadly, and Noah shivered at the thought-- or maybe it was just the wind. “I didn’t know if I had already messed up my chance, or if… if maybe kissing you would backfire.”

“What’s that word to describe like… weather setting the mood for a scene or something?” Noah asked the English major, who gave a small chuckle at the question.

“Pathetic fallacy?”

“Yeah,” Noah assumed that was right. “It looked like it was going to thunder all night and then it started raining and it was windy-- I thought the universe was throwing a temper tantrum because of me. I thought it was telling me we weren’t meant to be.”

“You know how I knew you were the best decision of my life?” Noah shook his head. “When you mention Romeo and Juliet.” 

Noah groaned, pressing his face into his arm. “That was so cringy.”

“It was cute,” he assured.

“You’re biased in this,” Noah countered halfheartedly. “You don’t get a say. It was so awkward and God, I was a mess.”

“It wasn’t,” he promised. “Okay, maybe a tiny bit, but hey, it worked.”

“Because you’re just as awkward and cringy as me. We’re perfect for each other.” James took him into his arms at that, turning Noah’s body so they were standing toe to toe. 

“I don’t think it was pathetic fallacy that night. I think it was symbolism. Rain-- renewal, new beginnings, washing away the old. I think it was the universe giving you a sign, give me one, that we were right where we needed to be.” 

“I like your analysis better,” Noah murmured quietly, as he touched his palm to his chest. “I wonder what I would have said two years ago if I knew this was where I’d be now.. I wouldn’t have believed I could be loved by someone like you.”

“I wouldn’t have believed I deserved to be loved by someone like you,” James told him, “but here we are.” 

“Here we are,” he agreed, his smile sweet and light. “I love you.” 

“I love you too.” As soon as the words left James’ lips, Noah was pushing onto his toes to press their mouths together. Kissing James was the most familiar thing in the world, next to his smile, his eyes, and his touch. Oh, and his laugh, and his voice, and his scent-- Noah was just as infatuated with him as he ever was. James’ arm came to rest against his back, holding him steady in his embrace. Noah’s hand came to cup his cheek and as the ring brushed over James’ skin, the older boy pulled back to kiss it. 

“I didn’t realize how much I’d love seeing you wear this,” James blushed, bringing Noah’s hand back to his face and covering it with his own. 

He gave a shy shrug. “The novelty will wear off eventually.”

“Never,” he smiled. “I’ll never get over the fact that you're mine.” 

“Damn, Min,” Noah teased playfully. “Playing all the cards in your hand tonight, I see.”

“Only trying to build up to November 1st, aka another great anniversary.”

“What happened tomorrow?”

James had a playful, slightly wicked gleam in his eye. “Oh? You don’t remember how I woke up in your bed for the first time? Or how about the fact that we spent hours making out?”

“I knew you were only with me for my body,” Noah joked, shaking his head. James shrugged neither confirming or denying, making Noah dramatically gasp. “Fucking knew it.” 

“Shit. How’d you find out?” Noah nudged him, causing James to wrap his arms around him and pull him into a tight hug in retaliation. He bet that their laughs could be heard down the block at this point, but Noah didn’t care. He felt good, so fucking fantastic that nothing matter except  _ this _ .

When James finally let him go, Noah took a few steps backwards towards the slide, a cheeky smirk on his features. “You know, if we go home, I can finally show you my Halloween costume.”

James raised his brow at him. “You said--”

“ _ I’m not going to wear anything, _ ” Noah said, finishing what he’d told James a few days ago. “Oh, I know what I said, Romeo.”

The look in James’ eye made him feel a sudden urge to run-- although not in fear, but in hopes of getting home faster. 

“You’re such a--” James bit his tongue as he glared at him with a hungry gaze. 

“A what? You’re usually so good with your words, Jamie.” And with that, Noah took off before James could catch him. When his feet hit the sand, he started towards the sidewalk, the older boy on his heels. A laugh fell from his lips as he gave into James’ chase, eventually slowing down to let himself be caught. 

“You’re such a tease, you know that?” James spoke in his ear, as he pulled him into his arms from behind. After their laughter died down, their hands found each other’s again on their walk back to the bus stop. 

I think this is the happiest I’ve ever been,” Noah confided. 

James flickered his eyes to him, keeping his head forward. “I think you’ve read my mind.” 

Noah looked down at his feet for a moment, before smiling back over to him. “Happy Anniversary, Romeo.”

“Happy Anniversary, Juliet.” 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you were all safe if you did go out for Halloween! Toronto's case numbers are on the rise, so I stayed home and wrote you all this (while eating all the candy, obviously). Let me know what you did to celebrate and also, as always, let me know what you thought of the extra!
> 
> <3 <3


	38. (Extras) POV Switch S3.E7.C6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James' perspective on season 3, episode 7, clip 6 (a.k.a the 'making up' scene that happens right after Noah kicks the Brozzz out of his apartment when James shows up unexpectedly)

**C L I P S I X || November 6th, 2020 || Friday, _10:36pm_ (James' POV)**

When James saw Noah standing there in the doorway of his apartment, one hand on the door and the other limp at his side, he felt all his words catch in his throat. Even as he stood in judgment of the younger boy, he was taken by how much Noah drained the air from his lungs. He was so beautiful that James didn’t know how he’d ever thought he’d be able to keep away from him. Noah’s words still replayed in the back of his mind like a nagging voice that told him to not ruin this boy’s life. 

_I don’t need mentally ill people in my life._

And James wanted so much to walk away from him. He tried to go to Jessica, to make her take his mind off of him. To have her convince him that he didn’t need the alluring and addictive love that Noah promised him. She told him that no one could love him like her, but as he saw the look in Noah’s eyes, he knew that wasn’t true-- he didn’t want it to be true. 

James caught how the boy’s shirt was slightly pushed up around his waist, a sliver of his porcelain skin showing as his plaid shirt breezed around him from having opened the door. He dragged his gaze away knowing that he was only here to talk to him. He had to tell him the truth because that was the closure he needed. _Tell him you’re bipolar and he’ll send you away. He won’t want you like Jessica said and then you can move on._

Twisting the ring on his finger, James swallowed down the burning sensation in his mouth. He'd been leaving him notes throughout the week, hoping that he might be able to apologize for that stupid text message he'd sent. Seeing him with bags under his eyes and a pale complexion, James knew that he wasn't the only one in pain. He'd never meant to hurt him. He thought he was protecting him. James wanted Noah. He did, but every time he thought about him, the older boy heard the same thing over and over again: _He doesn’t want you. He doesn’t want you._

All he was here to do was explain. Explain, get turned away, and leave. _He doesn't want you._

“Noah, I’m--” 

James inhaled as Noah crashed their lips together, pulling him closer by the collar of his jacket. He was frozen for a millisecond as he let Noah flood his sense, and with that one single action, James lost any ounce of restrain. 

_Fuck it._

His hands grabbed him by the hips, the same hips his fingers had explored that Sunday morning after their first kiss, and pulled Noah against him. God, having him this close again was like relapsing. Just his scent was enough to send him spiraling. 

Noah walked backwards as James kicked the door shut behind them. The younger boy’s fingers found their way into his hair and they were tugging at strands making it really difficult for James to think straight anymore. 

Noah’s hands detangled from his hair to run under his jacket, the warmth of his touch sending a shiver down James’ spine. The boy removed the latter’s coat and tossed it somewhere behind them. He slipped out of his shoes and then with a swift and with a hungry move, he pushed Noah up against the nearest wall, his fingers pressing into that bare patch of skin on his waist. He ran his other hand up his neck and cheek until his fingers were grasping his hair. Noah moaned, a soft sigh in the back of his throat that made James inhale. _God, he wanted him so bad_. 

The kiss was heated as their bodies pressed against each other in search for friction. He tasted of beer and lime and James couldn’t find it more intoxicating. 

Eventually, he broke their kiss, Noah’s cheeks flushed pink, his lips soft and wet and wanting. His breath hitched as James’ mouth found a spot on his neck; it was a sweet, smooth patch of skin that dared him to leave a mark. The boy tilted his head to give him a better angel and James smiled against his collarbone, humming at the invitation.

He could feel Noah’s fingers hesitate as they wanted to touch him-- wanted to explore his arms and chest like they had once before. James took the other boy’s hand and placed it on his chest, allowing him to feel his heart beating a million miles per hour. It traced up to his neck and ran down the back of his shirt, his nails lightly scratching up his skin. James kissed the fresh bruise on his neck, and as his lips detached from it, Noah cupped his face and made him meet his eye. 

His pupils were dilated with a look of lust that made James feel his craving in the pit of his stomach. He seemed to be searching for something-- for what, James didn’t know, but after a second he seemed to find it. 

“Yes?” Noah whispered in question and it made James’ pulse quicken even faster. 

“You’re all I want.” 

Noah breathed at the words, his lips seeming to beckon James as they parted. He kissed him with a veracity; his need to be close to him was fueled by his deep seeded want. 

Immediately they were back to a flurry of hands and tongues, anything to get them closer to one another. They just wanted to be closer. Noah ran his leg up James’ and the older boy lifted it to wrap it around his waist. Noah jumped up and James caught him as he anchored his other foot around him. Holding him tightly, with the other boy’s arms secured around his neck, he began moving them for Noah’s bedroom. It was times like these that James was thankful for his memory. 

With far less fumbles than he’d thought they’d have, James managed to let himself into the boy’s room, shutting the door behind him with the nudge of his foot. He walked them to the mattress, their kiss having yet to be broken.

He lowered him onto the bed, Noah pulling him with him, until their hips matched. Their mouths opened at the sensation and James groaned. 

The silence of the room was broken by their heavy breathing, as James reached for his own shirt and drew it over his head. Noah’s gaze lingered on his bare torso and it was a look no one had ever given him before. Never had James wanted someone so badly, but never had someone wanted _him_ so much either. It was the beginning of an addiction James didn’t know if he could let himself have. 

The other boy ran his hand down his chest in admiration and his eyes glistened with the moonlight coming through the curtains. James couldn’t take all the layers of clothing anymore. He tugged at Noah’s shirt and the younger boy took it off at the request. 

“Beautiful,” he muttered when he saw him watching his reaction. He’d already seen him shirtless before but for some reason, in this context, it was like a different sight. 

He began pressing kisses down the middle of his chest, his lips lingering longer the closer he got to the band of his pants. When he finally kissed right above the waist line, Noah sucked in a breath. 

“James,” he moaned out his name. The older boy’s mind seemed to shut down for a second at the sound of his name spoken by Noah, _like that_. It was now something he wanted to hear for the rest of his life. He wanted to be the only one who got to hear their name on the tip of his tongue. James had been about to tell Noah everything. He was going to let him break his heart because the sooner he did the less it would hurt. He was going to, but now? 

James couldn’t give this up. He wanted to make Noah say his name again and again and again. He wanted Noah to be his and he wanted to be Noah’s. He didn’t have to tell him… he’d been feeling good-- in fact this is the best James had ever felt. He thought maybe he’d be able to last a few months… maybe even five or six without lapsing. Maybe he’d be able to hide his next episode… maybe his next episode would never come.

He just needed Noah to be his for as long as he could have him, even if it was just a few months-- but who was he kidding? He wanted Noah for so much longer.

He’ll be the normal boyfriend he deserved, not an unreliable, unpredictable, needy, mentally ill one that would only make his life worse. Because as James let his eyes flicker up to Noah’s face, he knew he had to try and keep it together for as long as possible. He needed to have this.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Would you like to read more of James' POV of S3? How about Noah's of S5? Let me know what scenes you'd like me to explore!


	39. (Extras) A Torn Page

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Missing Skam? Follow my Tumblr for more Noah and James content!
> 
> Some short AUs, little canons that won't make it to full extras, IG posts that would be on their accounts if they had ones.  
> You can send me things you want to see! You can ask me questions, or you can ask the characters questions! 
> 
> Tumbr: @book-lover2001

**C L I P O N E || _Friday, Nov. 11th, 2022_ || 4:17am**

When Noah woke up, it was to a low muttering and the sound of things falling. As he blinked his eyes awake for the third time that night, he reached out for James, whose side of the bed was cold and empty. Groaning, he sat up, leaning over to the left to switch on the bedside lamp. He’d already been startled from sleep twice before by James who had been tossing and turning with enough energy to run a marathon. It took a moment for Noah’s brain registered what was happening. 

“Baby?” Noah mumbled running a hand over his face. James was seated on the ground in front of a now empty bookshelf, surrounded by all this books. “What are you doing?”

Noah watched as his words bounced off of the older boy with no impact; his attention was entirely captivated by the task at hand. 

He tried again. “James?”

His boyfriend turned to him, his brows furrowed with a concerned expression. He held up a book for him to see. “This doesn’t fit.” 

Noah flickered his eyes to the empty shelves and then back down to James. As he took him in, he noted the blown out pupils, the dazed look in his eyes, the slackness of his jaw. 

Carefully, Noah cleared his throat. “Have you tried putting it on a wider shelf?” James frowned, and instead tossed it aside and moved onto another hardcover. It landed with a loud thump across the room by their closet, but only Noah flinched at the abruptness. 

He watched as James began to play tetris with his books, piling them back onto the shelves at random angles, some horizontally, some vertically, some he began to stand up with their faces outwards. Whenever James’ internal pendulum swings back into balance, he’s going to lose his shit at this disaster. That boy had meticulously organized everything, to the point where Noah was convinced he had an Excel spreadsheet typed up. 

Forcing himself from the warmth of the comforter, Noah walked over to the discarded book and picked it up. He examined it to find it had thankfully received no damage, and then he placed it on their dresser.

“No, no, no,” James was muttering as he stared down at three yellow books in a growing frustration. Noah went and sat next to the shelf, his body turned inwards towards him. He took James’ hands in his.

“Come back to bed, baby.” 

James snatched his hands away, and said something in Korean that, to Noah’s half asleep brain, sounded like pure gibberish. 

“I don’t speak Korean,” he told him softly. But without any translation James picked up a book and flipped to the end. He grabbed a handful of pages and tore them out. Noah’s eyes widened, his voice catching in his throat. _Shit._

He thrusted the loose pages at Noah, before ripping out more. And more. And more, until he was satisfied. Then, he shoved the now mutilated book onto the shelf like someone might stuff a turkey.

“Don’t be sad,” he said without emotion, as he noted Noah staring down at the sheets.

“I’ll try,” the younger boy replied, realizing it was best to play along to a degree. James smiled at him, but his eyes were seeing right through him.

“I’m hot,” he announced, picking at his shirt. “It’s hot in here.” 

“It’s November,” Noah reminded him, cautiously. “You have goosebumps.” James looked down at his arms which were contradicting his previous statement. 

“It’s too hot.” 

“Okay,” he gave in “Okay, do you want me to open the window?” But James was already walking away towards the door, not processing Noah’s offer. Moving at a pace that was too fast for the time of day, Noah left to chase after him. He followed carefully at a distance to make sure he wouldn’t leave the apartment entirely. Instead, James moved for the balcony, unlocking the sliding door and stepping outside. 

Noah grabbed the blanket off of the sofa as he stepped onto the cold concrete in nothing but socks and sweatpants. He wrapped it around his torso, instantly regretting going out into the Canadian ‘how-the-fuck-is-November-not-considered-winter’ weather.

James sighed, hanging his head back and closing his eyes. There was a peacefulness that washed over the manic boy, his chest rising and falling but his energy rolling off of him in waves. Noah shivered, gripping the much too thin throw, and James looked over at him. 

“You’re cold.”

“Yup,” he spoke through his chattering teeth. James closed the space between them, wrapping his arms around Noah. The younger boy sighed, letting James hug him. 

“Why are you outside if you’re cold?” he was asked, and Noah buried his face further into the crook of his neck. 

“Because you’re outside and I want to be where you are.”

“What if all of this was a dream?” James began, saying whatever his mind bounced to. “I’m not real. You’re not real. This building’s not real.”

“I'm very real,” Noah yawned. “So are you, Romeo.” 

“And then I’d wake up and you wouldn't be there,” he continued despite Noah’s assurance. “And I’d tell people about you, and they’d all say I was crazy because they’ve never heard about you-- like that book when she wakes up and it was all a dream and she was in a coma.” 

James’ eyes were wide as he started believing what he was saying. Noah tipped his chin down forcing his eyes to find his. 

“Hey,” Noah called for his attention. James stared at him. “It’s not a dream.”

He blinked at him in contemplation, and then said,“You’re so fucking hot.” Noah blushed at the abrupt compliment. “I’m the luckiest person in the world.” 

Then James crashed their lips together, and Noah made a surprised sound. After a second, he relaxed, his hand fell from James’ face and to the back of his neck. The older boy licked across his bottom lip, and Noah opened his mouth. 

It may have been four in the morning, and they may have been standing in negative temperatures extremely underdressed, but he was a sucker for kissing James. 

Using their make-out session as an opportunity, Noah led James back inside and the boy followed him without question. When they made it back to their bedroom, James decided to put all that energy and heightened confidence into something more productive than ruining his book collection. He picked up Noah like he weighed nothing, slipping his hands under his thighs as he steadied him. Noah ran his fingers through his hair as James nipped at his jaw, trailing kisses down his neck. 

Noah’s exhaustion had taken a back seat the moment he realized that James was manic, and now he was thankful for the adrenaline kick that came with his worry. He’d much rather James be like this with him, then running around the city doing God knows what. 

“So pretty,” his boyfriend spoke against his skin, his breath warm. He dropped Noah onto the bed, crawling on top of him with a mischievous grin. His pupils were dilated, making his eyes dark and deep.

Noah had noticed that James had been in a higher mood lately, at least for two days. He’d begun to notice that he seemed much more self-assured, excited, and less aware. He’d spoken with a quicker pace and he’d been drawing a lot. The latter wasn’t necessarily odd, but it was what he’d been drawing; random things that he’d never finish. He’d rip out sheets and sheets, not even bothering to erase them to save paper like he normally tended to. 

Noah couldn’t do anything about it except sit back and let it take its course. He’d kept an eye on him, and went places with him when he was going out, but beyond that, Noah had to give into his uselessness. 

James pressed another kiss to Noah’s lips, and soon it became heated and all consuming like a match setting kindling ablaze. It was open mouthed and needy like chugging a glass of water after dying of thirst. 

Noah arched into him and the older boy took the chance to run his hand up his back. His fingers traced Noah’s outline, and soon both his hands were trying to feel every part of him with a greedy touch. James seemed to want all of him, and Noah laid there letting him take however much he needed. 

“You’re like a drug,” James moaned, dragging his fingers over Noah’s chest.

“Is that a good thing?” he asked breathlessly, his stomach clenching. His boyfriend smirked, a wicked look that glazed over his already dazed eyes. Noah was no longer cold, now he was suffocatingly hot.

“I’m addicted.” 

He swallowed. “Definitely not good.”

James sat up in his lap, his legs straddling him as he peeled away his shirt and tossed it aside. He ran his hands through his own hair, combing back the black strands as Noah admired his statuesque beauty. 

James caught him staring and winked. He was always confident when it came to sex, but it was normally a charming confidence that came from comfort and experience. This version of him seemed much different; this confidence was much more of a show. 

“Like what you see, Olsen?” Noah raised his brow at the question, a slight blush tinting his cheeks. James dipped his head down, his lips brushing the shell of his ear. “Don’t worry, baby girl. You can look.” 

_Well, that was new_. 

Noah didn’t have time to process the sound he made, because James was kissing him again, swallowing the whimper. Noah lifted his hands to run them over his shoulders, but his boyfriend pinned them above his head on the mattress. 

“I said _look_ ,” James muttered against his mouth. “Stay put.” Noah’s mind went blank at the command, and all he could do was let out a shaky breath as James bit at the junction of his throat. As he sucked a hickey to his skin, Noah could feel James’ heartbeat against his chest; it was going a hundred miles a minute. His hands left Noah’s wrists, his palms now pressing into his sides. 

James licked over the bruise, and Noah could sense his smile even if he couldn’t see it. He was a smug motherfucker right now and it somehow made him want him more. 

“Going to get on with it, Min?” 

“The excuse that thou dost make in this delay / Is longer than the tale thou dost excuse.” 

He groaned an extremely impatient, “ _Please_?” 

James considered the plea, taking his sweet ass time. “Well, since you asked nicely.” 

**C L I P T W O || _Friday, Nov. 11th, 2022_ || 6:49am**

When James had finally fallen asleep, the sun was coming up and Noah was sore and utterly exhausted. The older boy’s face was pressed into the pillow; his features were all smooth lines of peaceful contentment. Considering what was sure to follow when he woke up, Noah was glad that whatever he was dreaming seemed sweet. Swinging his feet onto the ground, his entire body ached and he muffled a groan as he stood.

Walking over to the window, he opened it. The chrisp November morning poured into the room and he closed his eyes. He ran his hand over his face and looked down at his body. His torso was littered with bruises that made him look like a cheetah, but he couldn't find the energy to be bothered. He turned around and looked at James who was curled up under the dark grey bed sheets. He reminded Noah of a cat, soft and cuddly but mysterious and independent. Right now, he was an enigma he’d never be able to crack. 

Noah frowned, crossing his arms loosely over his chest. Now that all the adrenaline had worn off, all of his worry remained but with none of the numbing agent. James probably had a few more days of mania left to go before his depression sent him crashing. He hated seeing him so hollow and faraway, his dark thoughts unrelenting and nagging. He hated knowing that he’d have to start counting pills and hiding the medication, and watching him but making it seem like he wasn’t. Noah didn’t like having to babysit him because he knew how much James hated it. He would gladly watch him and take care of him, but if James hated one thing in the world it was feeling like a burden. 

He casted a look around to the mess of books scattered across the ground; to the empty, sad looking shelf, and the poor novel that got harmed in the process. Tomorrow, which was actually today, he’d order James a new copy of whatever he’d torn up. He’d see if he could put the books back in place from memory, or maybe find that spreadsheet that he was _adamant_ existed. But for now there was only one thing he had to do. 

Finding his sweatpants on the floor, he slipped them on before sitting himself on the edge of the bed. Reaching for his phone, he sent Charlotte a message telling her about James’ episode. Then he let himself lay back down, to get whatever little amount of sleep he could get before his boyfriend inevitably woke up again with restless energy. 

When his head hit the pillow, James immediately shifted to be next to him like he’d been pulled by a magnet. Noah smiled as he wrapped his arm around and held him close. His lips brushed against his forehead. 

“I love you, baby,” he whispered on an exhale. James snuggled up to him and Noah took it as a subconscious _I love you too._ The next few weeks were going to suck but they’d make it through. They always did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In Canada, today is Remembrance Day, the day we pay thanks to our soldiers and vets. Thank you to all those in our military who gave their lives for our tomorrow, and thank you to those who continue to serve. You protect us all. Thank you to our peace keepers in foreign countries, and those who might not see battle but are imperative to our defence. 
> 
> As always, let me know what you thought of the extra! Keep an out for more coming soon! 
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr for AO3 updates and notifications! 
> 
> http://book-lover2001.tumblr.com/


	40. (Extras) The Crash

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elijah's been with his boyfriend Ryan for six months now, and before, he could convince himself that they weren't THAT serious but when he realizes that he loves him, Elijah can't convince himself anymore. Now he has to come to term with what it means to be in a relationship and he has a choice to make: break up with Ryan or accept the vulnerability that comes with love. 
> 
> Featuring some unsolicited advice from two of the most in love idiots Elijah knows.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been posting some extras about N&J, including a look into James' instagram account on my Tumblr! For snippets and shorts that won't be posted here, go check them out on my Tumblr (@book-lover2001).
> 
> OBVIOUSLY I have some more extras for AO3 coming for the holiday season!! 
> 
> Enjoy! <3 <3

**C L I P O N E || Friday November 25th, 2022 || 7:43pm**

Elijah found himself smiling fondly at his boyfriend from across the restaurant. From where he was standing in the kitchen, he could see him behind the bar studying a new order that had just come in. The dining room was packed with people on a late November Friday night; guests were everywhere, ordering everything, and talking so loudly the kitchen staff couldn’t hear themselves think. But it was a good day, and for as rarely those came, they all took it with grins and minimal complaining.  _ Minimal _ is the key word in that statement.

“Lord, I’m going to whack that lady across the head with my iPad,” Cassandra, Elijah’s work best friend, muttered as she passed behind him. The part-time waitress had picked up a double shift today, and by the way her joyful holiday attitude seemed to dwindle as the hours ticked by, he was surprised she hadn’t hit the customer on sight. 

He snorted at her comment, making her stop in her tracks to take a deep breath. As she did, she caught his eyes flickering across to Ryan. 

“How long’s it been?” she asked, continuing her way around the counter to stack new dishes onto her tray. 

“Six months,” he told her casually, returning to julienning carrots. She hummed an ‘awe’ as she picked up a plate for table 10. Cassandra liked to tell him that her love life was about as non-existence as the fucks she gave about society. They’d hit it off right away. But with her perpetual singleness, she seemed to thrive off his relationships (the term used, extremely loosely) like a leech sucking his blood. 

“You two have any plans tonight?” 

“We’re decorating my apartment with my roommates.” She whistled as she popped her foot out to rest the tray at her hip for a second. He glanced up at her. “What?”

“Seems serious, for you,” she shrugged. “You know, chilling with the fam and all.” And with that she disappeared around the open bend into the main room. 

**C L I P T W O || Friday November 25th, 2022 || 9:11pm**

Cassandra’s words were echoing in his mind for the rest of his shift.  _ Seems serious.  _ They weren’t…  _ that _ serious. They were just hanging out while Elijah accomplished a pre-organized chore. It wasn’t a big deal or anything, having Ryan over to decorate. It was just so he’d be less bored, and also feel less single around Noah and his boyfriend-- who were basically married. 

“You okay,  _ Corazon? _ ” Ryan asked, as he pulled out of the parking lot. Elijah turned his head to see him. 

“Hm?” 

“You haven’t stolen the aux cord to play your Christmas music yet.” Like clockwork, everytime they were in Ryan’s car, Elijah would put his own music on. Ryan hated having to change the station on his radio since his car was fairly old and couldn’t have pre-programed channels. He had to manually fix everything and it was a pain. 

“Oh,” Eli bounced to grab the cable.

“Actually,” Ryan said, stopping him. And then he turned on the radio and it was playing CHFI,  _ Santa Tell Me _ coming through the car speakers.

“You switched your radio station?” Elijah practically gasped. Ryan shrugged, his smile sweet. 

“Yeah.” 

“Why?” 

He shrugged again. “You love Christmas. It’s the very least I can do, Sweetheart.” Elijah found himself blushing at the little act of kindness, attempting to hide it by looking out the window. 

“Should we stop and pick them up hot chocolate?”

“Who?”

Ryan snorted a laugh. “The boys? Lynn?” Elijah chanced another look at him, reaching to pat his hand that rested on the centre console.

“You’re too nice to them. They’re never going to let you go, now. They’ll demand permanency.”

“Kind of betting on it,” his boyfriend said, winking at him. He forced a smile in return, before looking back out the window. Ryan laced their fingers together, running his thumb over the back of his hand. This time that feeling in his stomach was back.  _ Seems serious.  _

**C L I P T H R E E || Friday November 25th, 2022 || 9:40pm**

When Elijah unlocked the apartment door, Kelly Clarkson’s queen-like voice hit them first. The Christmas classic,  _ Underneath the Tree _ was coming from the living room’s bluetooth speaker, loud enough to fill the place but not loud enough to get them in trouble. As they took their shoes off, the song was accompanied by a cackle of laughs that made the two young men share a look. 

Still in their jackets, a tray of hot chocolates in Ryan’s hands, they walked down the hall and peeked their heads into the living room hoping to see what was going on. 

“James!” Noah shrieked as his boyfriend spun him around, seemingly forcing him to dance. James drew him back in, both of them unable to stop laughing long enough to actually sing along with the lyrics. The eldest of the two, wrapped his arms around Noah smiling at him with a grin of white teeth and pink cheeks. They always looked so in love that the apartment felt dimmer when they weren’t around, or when James was in an episode, or when they were rarely but sometimes fighting. It’s like an infectious joy followed them, as it was good to see that James was feeling himself again. Noah definitely seemed better because of the fact. 

_ How did they do that? How did they love each other so fucking much and so fucking easily? _

“They really are something,” Ryan commented as they watched them from the sidelines. The younger couple still hadn’t noticed them, continuing to sway to the music, lost in their own world. 

“They’re soulmates.” Elijah noticed how Ryan seemed to look at him with brighter eyes when he heard that. As if he thought they too could be soulmates. 

Clearing his throat, Eli announced their presence before anything else could be said. “Cupcake, Muffin, how lovely you brought up all the boxes!” 

They both turned their faces to look at them, Noah’s head still tucked under James’ chin. 

“There was no collective to that  _ you _ ,” Noah promptly informed him with a little hint of annoyance in his tone. “Mr. Min over here has an issue with physical activity and ‘supervised’ as I lugged boxes up from storage.” 

James whispered something in his ear, and by the way Noah nudged him with a playful half-laugh, Elijah could take the guess he probably said something like  _ ‘not all physical activity’. _ In retaliation, James held him tighter in his arms, not letting him go despite protest. They were obnoxiously adorable to witness and some days it was a chore to. 

“Yes, yes, we get it,” Elijah waved his hand at them as he shucked off his coat and tossed it on the back of the sofa chair. “Your love is unmatchable! You’re both perfect!” 

Noah rolled his eyes at his roommate, but James peered at Elijah, having heard something in the way he spoke. Something that everyone else seemed to miss, or at least Eli thought Ryan had. 

“How was work, Ryan?” James asked, but his gaze lingered on Elijah for a moment more before switching to the other man. Ryan put the drinks onto the coffee table, before undoing his coat. 

“I think I made at least a thousand spiked eggnogs,” he replied, somewhat dramatically. “If I ever smell another one again, it might be too soon.”

“Well, now that you’re here,” Noah said, managing to wiggle out of his boyfriend’s steady hold. “You can help me bring up the tree, since James is absolutely no help.” 

“Coming Eli?” Ryan asked him, although he already seemed to know the answer to that. Elijah threw up his hands to show off his bright red nail polish. 

“I would love to darling,” he began with a sarcastic note. “But I’ve just done my nails.” Ryan shook his head with a fond expression as he let Noah drag him off to their storage unit in the basement of the building.

As the door clicked shut behind them, Elijah tossed himself into the armchair with his drink in his hands. As he peeled back the lip of the lid, he could feel James studying him.

“Muffin?” he prompted with the tilt of his head. James took a seat on the ground, where it seemed like he’d been stationed before the whole dancing scene. On the table in front of him were scissors and a stack of blank sheets of paper from which he’d been cutting out snowflakes.

“You okay, Elijah?” 

He raised his brow at the misplaced concern, blowing on the steam coming from his drink. “Never been better, James! How are you feeling?”

“Good,” he replied, picking up a sheet of paper and folding it. “I know you and I aren’t as close as you are with Noah.”

Elijah couldn’t argue against that. Of course they chatted and James even asked his advice on the odd subject. Elijah cared about him immensely, but he had to admit that was mostly because of how much the boy mattered to Noah. Noah was like his child in some odd way. Elijah felt like he’d first met him when he was in the worst time in his life, when Noah was at his most impressionable, at his weakest, and in dire need of parental guidance. The older boy had only ever met Noah’s mother, who was in all respects a lovely woman, but if he ever met Robert… he’d probably punch him. Elijah and Isla and even Lynn, raised him. So, yes, Elijah loved James and would always watch out for him. But it came from a place of mutual respect. They shared one thing in common: they wanted what was best for Noah. 

“But I know I can always ask you for advice,” James continued. 

“Of course.” 

“I just wanted to let you know that you can come to me too, if you need to.” The offer was pointed and directed right at the moment at hand. 

Elijah took a sip from the paper cup. “Thank you, Muffin. I’ll remember that.” 

James set him a look that somehow managed to see directly through him, and it made him shift in his spot. Unlike Noah, James didn’t speak in sarcastic, logical statements that were plain and bare of any unnecessary floweriness. James was a mystery most days-- the most open book of mysteries. He was odd. He could either be direct or like a code of wisdom you had to crack. He was either completely unreadable or completely the opposite. 

Somehow his silence began to get to Elijah like reverse psychology and he couldn’t tell if that’s what he was trying to do. Right now it seemed unintentional, as he cut out little triangles from his folded paper. But it could be that it was entirely intentional and he was only acting unsuspecting to get him to cave. 

“When did you know you loved Noah? Like knew you’d love him forever?” Elijah asked him eventually, breaking the silence. James immediately answered, without hesitation,

“May 2021.”

“That’s… specific,” he said, carefully. “How?” 

“I just…” and it was odd for James to not know what to say; to not have the perfectly crafted response. Elijah found that when he didn’t, it was because words were failing him. “I woke up one day and thought, I don’t ever want to know what it would feel like to lose him.”

He said it so casually as well. As if he didn’t say something heartbreakingly poignant.

“How do you know you won’t lose him?” 

James put the scissors down as he unfolded the craft to reveal a perfectly cut snowflake. He smiled down at, his mind seeming to be elsewhere for a moment. Then he placed it onto the table separate from the others he’d made. 

“I don’t,” he finally answered, leaning back on the palms of his hands. “He says I won’t, so that has to be good enough.” 

Elijah blinked at the information. “That’s it? All you have is his word?” 

James furrowed his brow. “Is there some other way I’m supposed to know?”

“No, but by the way you two act so sure, I assumed it was because you had some magical way of seeing the future.” 

The other boy laughed at the idea, his head tipping back as he did. “Fuck, I wish, Eli. That would solve so many problems.” 

“Problems?” 

James gave him a sad smile, his green eyes that had once bored into his soul, softened. They were actually quite a pretty shade of green, like a dark forest but as they reflected the lights above, they were more like, Emerald City-Wizard of Oz green. 

“Love sucks sometimes.” That was not what he’d thought he’d say, especially coming from the most romantic person ever. “It’s a double edged sword. You want to have love yet only if it comes with certainty, but that’s not how it works. You can only have one. You can either be alone forever and know no one will break your heart, or you can experience love but at the cost of unpredictability. You have to choose what’s more important to you, and I chose love.”

“Why is love complicated?” It felt weird asking someone who was nearly two years younger than him for advice about true love. Particularly weird when that other person was only twenty. 

James shrugged, his smile still present but less sad. “It just is. That’s what my mom likes to say about things she can’t explain. It just is because it is.”

“That’s a cop-out,” Elijah told him and he didn’t disagree. 

“One of the first things I told Noah was that he could use a little more adventure in his life. At the time, he definitely thought I meant about using a fake ID, but really I was telling him to take a risk on me. I didn’t know how it would turn out and neither did he, but look at where it got us.” 

“I suppose…” he hesitated for a moment. “But not everyone is ready for risks.”

James looked at him with kindness, a look that came with peeling back his layers. “Are they not ready or are they scared? Noah’s philosophy— it’s not the height you're scared of, it’s the fall.”

“Well aren’t you two a couple of wise people who aren’t even legal in the US.” 

“Wisdom does not come from age. It comes from experience, typically through growing up but you wouldn’t ask your doctor how to fly a plane because they’re older than the pilot.” 

“Well played, James. Well played.” 

Before anything else could be said, the front door was swinging open and soon Noah and Ryan were dropping a long rectangular box onto the living room floor. Once it was set on the ground, Noah promptly collapsed onto the ground next to James like a starfish. 

“I  _ refuse _ to bring these things back down in January,” Noah warned them all, running a hand over his face. His attitude had shifted from mildly frustrated to extremely annoyed in the matter of an elevator trip. 

James’ mood switched back from serious to loving as he looked down at the younger boy.

“Here you go.” James put the paper snowflake that he’d set purposely aside, onto Noah’s chest. The latter picked it up gingerly. “I made it for you.” 

Noah looked between the token of affection and his boyfriend, his grumpiness melting away. 

“Thank you, baby,” he said. “I love it. I’m going to name him Edward.” James rolled his eyes before leaning down to peck his lips. While those two seemed to fade back into their own world, Ryan sat on the arm of the chair. 

“Ready to decorate?”

But Elijah was still lost in James’ words of advice. “Hm?” 

Ryan looked at him with a curious, narrowed eye as if trying to read him. “Everything okay?”

“Absolutely.” Eli patted his knee as he stood up, placing his drink on the table. “I’m just going to go get Jocelynn. I’ll be right back.” 

But as he turned the corner into the hallway, Ryan’s hand touched his elbow, stopping him. Elijah looked over his shoulder at him. 

“Do you want to talk?” he was offered, Ryan’s worry shining through. 

“Not particularity,” Eli said, resuming his walking. He continued to be chased after. 

“Did I do something?” 

“Of course not,” he spoke, this time not bothering to look back. “You’re as dazzling as always.” 

Elijah knocked on Lynn’s door, feeling Ryan’s eyes still on him. “Jocelynn! It’s family Christmas time; get your ass in the living room!” 

After a few seconds, the girl came out of her room in her plaid pj bottoms and hoodie. 

“Smile, Lynn, it’s Christmas,” he told her more sensitively. She grumbled but he could see her lip pull up at the corner, and that wasn’t nothing. Sometimes he worried about her, but she was just generally a rough person. Although he’s managed to coax her out of her shell more and more the longer they live together. She’s had a tough few years with school and her parents and friends, which she did have much to his surprise.

“Atta girl,” he patted her back as she walked past him. “There’s hot chocolate in there and don’t start another argument with Noah! I’m not prying you two apart again!” 

Once her figure disappeared around the bend, he finally let his attention move back onto Ryan. He was standing with his arms crossed, his head tilted as he gave him an expression that didn’t buy his bullshit.

“You’ve been acting strange since we left work,” he noted, his voice softer than his stern exterior. “If I didn’t do something wrong, fine, but I want to know what’s wrong. I want to be here for you.”

“You are,” Elijah promised, stepping into his space. He placed his hands on his shoulders, smoothing down the material of his grey Henley. “But nothing’s the matter, darling.”

“I know we’ve only been together for six months but I can tell you’re not telling me the truth.”

Elijah sighed. Having a boyfriend was hard. Sometimes having people that cared about you was hard. 

“I…” he stopped himself, finding that his words wouldn’t pass his lips. “I promise, everything’s okay? Okay? Just believe me.” 

Ryan definitely didn’t, but he pressed his lips together tightly and gave a single nod.

“Come on, let’s get the tree up.” 

But his boyfriend didn’t move when he did. “Um, actually, I think I’m going to go home.” 

Elijah opened his mouth but shut it. Instead of protesting him, which was what he wanted to do, he decided not to push his luck. Stepping out of his way, he let Ryan walk over to the door. He grabbed his things and then left. 

**C L I P F O U R || Friday November 25th, 2022 || 11:53pm**

“Did you know,” Noah began as he found Elijah in the kitchen sitting at the table alone. He walked over to the counter opposite to him, and hoisted himself onto the surface. The older boy didn’t know what he had against chairs. “Wine only solves the problems for the first few hours.” 

“Seems to be doing the trick,” he said, raising his glass and then taking another drink. 

Noah had his hands clasped in his lap as he leaned his head back on the cupboard behind him. His light brown curls were getting longer, strands falling into his eyes as he tried his best to push them away. 

“So do you want to tell me why Ryan left?” 

“Cupcake, as you can see,” he motioned to himself, “that I’m not in the particular mood to do anything.” 

“Did James say something to you?”

“What do you mean?”

Noah shrugged. “You seemed weird when we came back with the tree, and you’d been talking to James.” 

“Your boyfriend is not at fault for this, don’t worry.”

“Oh I know he’s not,” he said. “He just… He can get deep in conversation and he doesn’t really realize that it makes people… very reflective.”

“How do you do it?” Elijah took another swig of the pinot noir. “I mean, I spent like ten minutes with him and he has me questioning my entire life.” 

Noah laughed, deeply. “I’m used to it. He doesn’t half fast anything, especially conversations. Whatever you talked to him about, he must have been really passionate about the subject.”

Elijah loved how Noah knew James so well without even knowing that he did.  _ When you get to that point, how can you just leave a person? When you know them better than you know yourself? _

“He was talking about love,” Elijah told him and Noah made an ‘ah’ sound. 

“I see,” he smiled. “Well, he could philosophize about that for hours. He reads a lot of romance novels. And classical literature. And Shakespeare, so you know.” 

“Ryan’s upset because I won’t tell him what’s bothering me,” he revealed, with the buzz of the alcohol making it easier to admit things. 

“What’s bothering you?” Elijah gave him a pointed look. “You always expect me to tell you about me. Why can’t you tell me about you?”

“I won’t even tell my boyfriend.” 

“So?” Noah said. “I tell Ben things before James sometimes-- I mean, don’t tell him that he’ll probably get jealous, but sometimes it’s easier.”

“Do you think he’ll break up with me?”

The youngest roommate huffed a short laugh at that. “If James broke up with me every time I was moody and not telling him shit, then we would have failed like three weeks in. Ryan seems here to stay.”

“Shit.” Elijah ran a hand over his face, the exclamation confusing Noah in the process.

“Are you trying to make him break up with you?”

“Huh?” he looked over at him. “Not actively no, but it would make things a lot easier if he just ended things.”

“Since when are you not up for a challenge?” Noah crossed his arms, sternly. “You’re going to give up on someone who’s good to you, because… you’re…? What? Scared?”

“You’re being a little shit, right now,” Elijah warned him, pouring another glass of wine.

“Eli, you drinking away your insecurities doesn’t work,” Noah said, dropping to his feet and moving to the table to snatch the bottle. “I came home with a broken nose and a black eye, last time I thought this would work. No more ERs.” 

“Oh, look at you and your character development,” Elijah muttered. “Come on, Cupcake. Let me wallow. Tomorrow’s a new day.” 

“It is tomorrow,” Noah pointed to the stove clock that read  _ 12:01 _ across it. “Welcome to a new day. Go solve your problem like an adult.” 

“I don’t like that you’re coming for my guruship.”

Noah rolled his eyes, twisting the lid back onto the bottle, and putting it away. “Go to bed, Eli. When you wake up you’re going to have to talk to Ryan.” 

“Talking is so hard!” 

“Yet you do it for so long, everyday,” Noah said with a sarcastic tone. 

“I mean communicating.”

“Communicate or lose your boyfriend,” he shrugged. “It gets pretty easy when something you want is on the line.”

Elijah peered at him. Then he sighed, but didn’t give a response.

“Look, Eli,” he tried again. “I can’t tell you to stay with someone if you don’t want to… but it kind of looks like you do. I don’t know why you’d want to end it with Ryan if it’s going well. I think you just need to figure out what is really bothering you. Is it really Ryan or is it you.” Then he turned around and reached into the cupboard and pulled out two glasses. “The least you can do, is tell him why you want to end things if you really do.” He filled them both with water. He placed one in front of Elijah. “Go talk to Ryan when you feel better.”

“Thanks, Cupcake,” he muttered and Noah gave him one last sympathetic smile. 

“Good night,” the younger boy told him, leaving the kitchen, taking the other glass with him. Elijah put his head down on the table, feeling the heaviness of the moment beginning to sober him up faster than he’d like. 

He reached for his phone without looking until it was next to him. The screen lit up with his touch, but the notifications were only from promotional emails and celebrity Instagram accounts. He was so confused with himself. Everything inside his head felt hypocritical and it made him have a headache. Just down the hall, Lynn was probably laying in bed watching her shows on Netflix. Noah and James were probably falling asleep. He missed Isla, but she’d be back in a week from her trip to London with William to see his father. 

He wanted to go to bed, but he didn’t at the same time. He thought that he might be able to fall asleep at the table, but it wasn’t very comfortable. So begrudgingly, he stood up and noticed the Christmas tree was still glowing in the living room. Downing the glass of water with a little more effort than he’d done with the wine, he sat the cup down and headed to turn it off. 

Every ornament was randomly placed with little to no order. There was tinsel everywhere that was going to be a pain in the ass to clean come the new year. The small shelf ledge above their electric fireplace had their stockings hung off of it from golden hooks. The topper on the tip of the tree was slightly askew from where Noah had placed it, having nearly fallen off of James’ shoulders but was caught by the older boy. He didn’t have as bad of a time as he should have knowing that Ryan had left, but now he was feeling the emptiness; he’d been around more lately. 

Decidedly, Elijah sat himself down on the sofa rather than going. Noah was right, so was James. He was scared. Scared because… maybe for the first time ever, he was starting to actually love someone. Elijah was always with someone new, almost like a revolving door of people but he’d never had a proper relationship. One where someone would take him on cute dates, and hang on on weekends doing nothing but watch tv. He never had someone who wanted to know more about him or want to develop trust or communication. Those were things couples did and Elijah wasn’t lucky enough to be in one of those. He settled for physical relationships because those were easy. Reciprocity. No commitment. No emotions. Yet, Elijah was an emotional person, he was a romantic who wanted a fairytale. He wanted what Isla and Will had, and what Noah and James had, but… 

Elijah laid down, his head getting heavier. He was embarrassed to say that when his phone vibrated with a new notification, he’d never looked at it so fast. But it wasn’t Ryan, he was an email from an outlet store having a sale. Biting his lip, he knew he had to make up his mind. He knew that he had to pick and James’ words of advice repeated behind his eyes. 

He couldn’t tell if he was motivated by the alcohol in his bloodstream or by his exhaustion, but he sent Ryan a message. He waited for the photo of the Christmas tree to deliver and then he typed out:

> ME
> 
> Presents, what a beautiful sight
> 
> Don't mean a thing if you ain't holding me tight
> 
> You're all that I need
> 
> Underneath the tree

**C L I P F I V E || Saturday November 26th, 2022 || 11:43am**

When Elijah knocked on Ryan’s door he wondered if it was too late to turn around, and as the lock clicked out of place, he knew it was. Soon enough his boyfriend was standing in front of him in his black Adidas hoodie and dark grey sweatpants, wearing a blank expression.

“Hi,” Eli began, clearing his throat slightly. “I wanted to know if… I could tell you something?” 

Ryan’s eyes softened for a moment but his face remained natural as he stepped out of the way and let him in. The couple of months older boy lived with only one other roommate and Elijah didn’t know how they managed even for being further out of the downtown core. The place, although, was much smaller than Elijah’s apartment. By now, he’d been over enough times to have a firm grasp on where things were and he ever felt… comfortable. 

“Hey man,” Ryan’s roommate and best friend, Sam nodded to him from the sofa. Elijah gave him a half wave, before he was led around the corner and into the other boy’s bedroom. The door shut behind him as it was pulled shut, and Elijah was motioned to take a seat on the bed. 

When they were sitting next to each other on the edge of the mattress, their shoulders nearly touching, they both said, “I’m sorry.” 

Eli gave a huff of a laugh at their synchronous. “I don’t know what you have to be sorry for, darling. I’m the one who should be apologizing.” 

“For what?” Ryan asked, genuinely. “I’m the one who left for no reason. You don’t have to tell me everything.”

“I’m sorry for being a bit distant and in my head a lot,” he told him. “I… I needed some time to think.”

“To think about what?” 

He inhaled, his fingers laced in his lap. “Us.” He could feel Ryan tense up beside him, fearful of where this conversation was leading. “It took some unsolicited advice but… I think I want to… let you in on what I’m feeling. Communicate.”

“Okay,” Ryan said, carefully.

Then Elijah prefaced, “But you have to promise to not jump to conclusions, okay? Just listen and hopefully it’ll all make sense in the end.”

“I promise.” 

“Okay,” the blond boy took a pause. His eyes rested across the room, looking at nothing in particular but avoiding Ryan’s gaze. “For a little bit yesterday I was thinking about breaking up--” then he quickly added “--but I don’t want to.”

“Oh,” Ryan let out a breath. 

“I told you no conclusions,” Elijah warned him again and Ryan flashed him a strained smile. “I was thinking about it because I don’t know how to do this. I know how to have a relationship but not one that is as good as this one. I’m not… I don’t like being vulnerable; it’s never been a positive experience before. I’m scared, because… I think I’m falling in love with you.” At that he chanced a look at him.

Ryan was watching him with his deep brown irises and it took everything in Elijah to not give into those puppy dog eyes.

“I think I might already love you,” Elijah continued, this time talking directly to him. “Now, the whole scared feeling is starting to take over more because before I convinced myself we weren’t serious-serious. I can’t convince myself anymore.”

“But you don’t have to,” Ryan placed his hand on Elijah’s thigh. “What are you so scared of?”

“One day we’re going to get to the point where you know everything about me and I know everything about you. I’m going to be so blindly in love that I won’t realize that I’ve been missing the signs and then you’re going to leave me.”

“Wow,” Ryan said, with an inhale. “You’ve really thought this through.”

“I have an active imagination,” Elijah shrugged. 

“But you don’t know any of that’s going to happen.” 

“No, but I do know that if it does, I’ll be broken and that’s what scares me,” he confided. “I’m not scared of the height or the fall… I’m scared of the crash-- the inevitable breaking of all my bones and the inevitable concrete I’ll hit. Not the falling into the unknown, but the falling into what I know is awaiting me. I thought it would be easier to end things with you before I got to the point where you breaking my heart would be too much. But I don’t want you to go. I think I’ve already reached the point where being without you would suck.”

“ _ Corazon, _ ” he mumbled, sweetly as he took his hand. “You just have to trust me when I say that I never want to hurt you and I can’t speak for the future but just know that if… something like that does happen-- that you won’t be the only one hurting. I love you, too, Eli.”

Elijah blinked at him as he processed Ryan’s cheeks pulling up into an affectionate smile. Then before his brain processed what he was doing, Elijah took his face in his hands and kissed him, pressing their mouths together hard. Ryan’s arm came around his back to hold him close. When their lips broke away, their noses brushed together.

“We might regret not ending things here,” Elijah said, feeling it much easier to say his thoughts aloud now that he’d opened the flood gate. 

“Will we, though?” Ryan challenged. “I don’t think I could ever regret how I’m feeling right now.” 

Elijah smiled, feeling himself breathing easier. That feeling deep in his stomach that was telling him to be careful still hadn’t left, but it seemed to matter less. The voice in the back of his mind was still whispering the worst case scenarios, but it seemed less intrusive. Nothing had been cured by the conversation, but it was helping. 

“You know,” Ryan said, rubbing the back of his neck. “I had something planned for today, for the two of us.” 

“You did?”

“If you still want to go, we can.” 

Elijah raised his brow. “Go where?” 

“You said you’ve always wanted to go to the Market and take obnoxious couple photos at the entrance.” 

He gasped, his eyes wide. “The Christmas Market!” 

His boyfriend chuckled at his enthusiasm.“I’m going to assume you still want to go.” Elijah flung his arms around him, much to Ryan’s surprise. 

“Obviously!” 

“We can go wherever you want,” he was told, as he was hugged. Elijah pulled his face back to meet his eye, his smile fading to a smirk. 

“In a few hours.”

“I was definitely expecting you to drag me out of the apartment right now,” Ryan said, with a playful tone. 

“Well,” Eli shrugged, wickedly. “I have something for us to do too.” And with that, he kissed him again, this time shifting to sit in his lap. Ryan made a surprised sound that melted away as his hands ran up Elijah’s back. 

“It’s a plan?” he asked, Ryan’s breath warm on his lips, their faces inches apart.

“It’s a very good plan.” 

“Mhhmm,” Eli hummed in reply, before their kiss became open mouth and heavy. Elijah had told Noah once that relationships only die out when no one tends to the flame. Somehow he was better at giving advice than listening to it, but he hadn’t been wrong. All he needed to do was realize that Ryan was chopping wood and collecting kindling and Elijah wouldn’t be left to keep the fire going on the cold winter’s night.

Ryan was willing to try, in fact, even more than that he was willing to have hope. Hope that they would make it, spoken with a sure voice of reason that made Elijah believe him. He really didn’t want to feel the crash; he didn’t want to hit the pavement with his heart torn out, but his only other option was to slip on the steps coming down. He was already in this too deep and either way he’d be broken, so might as well have so more good times.

**C L I P S I X || Saturday November 26th, 2022 || 3:03pm**

When they got to the Distillery District, the entrance had been decorated in garland and a huge Christmas Tree was put up in the centre of the square. People were walking from cart to cart along the cobblestone buying from vendors, and wandering into shops in search of gifts for the season. Elijah let go of Ryan’s hand for a second, his boyfriend walking a few paces before turning back to him. 

“What are you doing?” he laughed, shily as Elijah took a photo of him. It was a cute picture: Ryan was bundled up in his black coat, his gray scarf around his neck, one black gloved hands at his side, the other in his pocket. His brown hair was hidden under his hat and his cheeks were tinted a faint pink on his darker skin. 

“Nothing,” Elijah said, as he flickered his eye up from the screen at him. Then quickly he sent the photo through text message before walking back to his side to entwine their fingers again. 

“Why do I feel like you mass texted that to everyone?” Elijah giggled at him, shaking his head. 

“I didn't, I swear,” he promised. “Only one person.” Ryan smiled softly, keeping his eyes forward as they walked through the market with no destination in particular.

> ME
> 
> _Image Delivered._
> 
> I've chosen.

> JAMES MIN
> 
> 😌💗

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you thought about this short story! Would you like to see more insight into supporting characters?


	41. (Extras) Love Story

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Noah finally works up the courage to ask James if he ever did watch that link he sent him in s.3, e.9, clip 4
> 
> Takes place after semi-formal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's something short as we keep getting closer to Christmas!
> 
> Other really small extras like this can be found on my Skam CAN Tumblr: @book-lover2001

**December 11th, 2020 || 12:19pm**

“Did you ever watch that link I sent you,” Noah wondered out loud when he was sat next to James in the hallway of the school. Across from them, Logan was talking about some love song that he’d heard that made him think of Sophia and it reminded Noah of the one he’d texted to James.

“Which?” James asked, looking over to him from his book. “When did you send it?”

“Uh,” he faltered, playing with the sleeve of his sweater. “Two weeks ago… ish?”

James furrowed his brows, picking up his phone and opening their messages. Noah caught a glimpse of his screen and his heart fluttered. Next to his name in his contacts were two pink hearts, and Noah was embarrassed at how much that made him blush.

“This one?” He tilted his phone for him to see.

> **Thur, Dec 3, 7:23 PM**
> 
> NOAH 💘💘
> 
> <https://youtu.be/8xg3vE8Ie_E>

Noah nodded.

“No, I didn’t. It was… kind of hard for me to open our messages.” And he didn’t mean literally. James hadn’t wanted to be reminded of him at all, and Noah looked down at his hands.

“I get it…”

“What is it?” James hummed, clicking on it, and Noah snatched his phone away from him, embarrassed. He turned it off, cutting the video off before it could start. James opened his mouth in amusement. “Oh, now I really want to know what it is.”

“I was delirious when I sent it. And high on NyQuil.”

“Excuses,” James mused, peering at him. “You’re cute when you blush.”

That made Noah’s face go brighter and in the moment James managed to take his phone back.The Brozzz had stopped their conversation to listen into theirs and Noah bit his lip.

“What’s up?” Thomas asked, taking a swig of Gatorade as James unlocked his screen

“Noah sent me something,” James replied, as he skipped the ad on the YouTube video. Noah put his face in his hands, as James put his earbuds in and listened to what was playing. After a few seconds he paused it and looked over to him.

“I’ve never heard the song before.”

At that Noah gaped. “You’ve never heard it? You’re like fifty, I swear,” Noah muttered and James started the video again.

Noah watched his reaction intently, and he knew as soon as it clicked with the older boy because his eyes immediately shifted from the phone to him. They were bright and glossy as they stared at Noah with the song playing in his ears. His expression was soft and after a bit it became too much to be looked at so… so… lovingly. The Brozzz lost interest fast, but Noah sat waiting to hear what he had to say.

Soon after, James pulled out the earbuds from his ears. He didn’t say anything immediately and it became suffocating, so Noah cleared his throat and stood up.

“I’m— I think I’m going to go outside for a bit,” and then he left feeling so vulnerable and embarrassed that he needed space. But that didn’t last very long, because James chased after him.

With the end of the period coming up and the snow falling, everyone was inside and making their ways to their class rooms. Noah had his arms wrapped around him as he let out a breath that appeared in front of him in the freezing cold air.

“Yeah, I don’t know why I sent it,” he defended with a weak laugh. “I remembered the song and thought it might… yeah, I don’t know.”

“It really encapsulates us, doesn’t it?” James said smoothly, coming to stand next to him, putting his hands into his pockets.

“I thought it was… fitting,” he agreed. “I think I listened to it like forty times that night. My dad had called me and…”

“You don’t talk much about him.”

Noah ran his fingers through his hair, before returning his arms to cross in front of his chest. It wasn't that he didn't want to confide in James, or that he thought he might be judged, but talking about his family was hard. Talking about his family to someone who looked at him like he hung the moon after a _song_? Yeah, Noah didn't know if he'd be able to handle that conversation. 

“It's um… He... Anyway," he cleared his throat, unable to get the words out. "He called and I thought it was you— a complete let down, let me tell you.” James huffed a small laugh. “He asked about you and I couldn’t even hold it together enough to make it through a conversation so I just hung up.”

James shifted from foot to foot. They hadn’t really talked about what happened beyond that they wanted to stay together and deal with things. He hadn’t told James how hurt he’d been. Or why he'd cut him off. Or why he was so scared to still fuck up despite the older boy's assurance. 

“Jessica told me that I made your mania worse," he admitted. There was a static pause between them that made the air almost unbreathable. "That I hurt you and I couldn’t…”

At that, James took Noah’s elbow and turned him to face him. Both their faces had turned rosy from the cold weather, dusting their cheeks and noses with pink.

“You know that’s not true. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

Noah swallowed and nodded. “I didn’t want to call you or come see you because I believed her, but after my dad called, I realized the only person I wanted to talk to was you. So I sent you that stupid song to at least… I thought maybe you’d realize I didn’t mean to hurt you and that I was waiting for you. I thought that if I even got a 'fuck off' from you, it'd still be something.”

James looked broken at the fact his green eyes gazed at him like he was the only one in the world and it made Noah’s throat close. It wasn’t used to this blatant amount of affection. He wasn’t used to returning it either.

James swallowed, looking down at their feet before meeting his eye again. “I really want to kiss you, but I know PDA isn’t really your thing.”

Noah smiled at that. He's kissed James at school before. He's held his hand, and hugged him, but this whole things was new to him and the looks they got in the hallways hadn’t gone unnoticed. It would take him a bit to be okay with PDA. Or at least to the point of not giving a fuck anymore.

He glanced around them knowing that James would only kiss him if he was okay with it. They were practically alone save for a few people in the foyer and the Brozzz who were in their own world. Giving into his own want, Noah stepped onto his toes and pressed their lips together. James wrapped his arm around him, and kissed him back. It didn’t last as long as they tended to when they were alone or at Noah’s apartment but it did the trick.

When they pulled apart, James hugged him. When he pressed his face into his neck, they both shivered; that only made James' grip tighten.

Then he spoke in his ear, “If I’m Romeo, does that make you Juliet?”

Noah laughed against his skin, feeling the warmth of his own breath. “I guess it does.”

“Well then,” James said playfully, pulling back and taking Noah's hand in his. "We’re going to be late for class, Juliet.”

He smiled up at him, feeling like some small weight had been lifted from his chest. It wasn't all gone, in fact he knew for certain it wasn't. He could feel his insecurities beginning to manifest under his positive attitude, but he pushed it down. He'd deal with it another day.

“Lead the way, Romeo.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, comments are welcome! I love to hear from you all, even if you just want to chat! Let me know how you've been doing!


	42. (Extras) Baby, Please Come Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays! 
> 
> I'm so grateful for all your support this year <3 <3 Thank you, thank you!

**C L I P O N E || _Saturday_ _, Dec. 24th, 2022_ || 10:07pm**

Noah was sitting in the sofa chair, staring out the balcony door to the snow gently falling over the city. Christmas music was playing softly in the background as the roommates all spoke to each other about their plans for tomorrow. The tradition was that Christmas Eve was spent at the flatshare, and the twenty-fifth was spent with family.

They had already decorated the tree in the corner of the room at the beginning of the season, the fake pinetree living in their storage unit for the other eleven months of the year. The star that sat on the top was slightly crooked from where Noah had placed it. James had put him on his shoulders, nearly sending them to the emergency room in order to get it up there. He smiled sadly as he twisted his promise ring, not with nervousness, but with longing. This was their third Christmas together but the first one they wouldn’t be spending with each other. 

“Noah?” Isla’s voice cut through his thoughts like a knife cutting smoothly through butter. He blinked at her, his smile faltering slightly. She gave him a sympathetic expression, her lips pursing together. She was currently encircled by William’s arms as they sat on the ground in matching pyjamas that made them look like an Old Navy advertisement. 

“You okay?” she asked already knowing his answer. He shrugged, pulling at the sleeves of James’ hoodie until they covered his hands. 

“He’ll be back in three days,” William reminded him with an encouraging nod. 

“Yeah,” he swallowed. “I know, it’s just not the same. That’s all.” 

“Cupcake,” Elijah began softly. “He wants to be here too.” 

His guru was seated in the corner of the sofa, facing him, his legs in his boyfriend Ryan’s lap. Those two had been dating for seven months now and Noah had to admit they were kind of perfect for each other. They’d met at the restaurant that Elijah works at; him in the kitchen and Ryan at the bar. Whereas Eli was much louder and flamboyant, his boyfriend was much more reserved, but that made him no less of an abbeder to the blond’s random whims of silliness.

Noah forced a positive smile, but it didn’t last long. He missed him. Mariah Carey’s voice was singing through Elijah’s Spotify playlist with a song that was all too ironic of the situation. _Baby, Please Come Home_. If it wouldn’t ruin the mood, he’d turn it off. 

“What are you doing tomorrow, Noah?” Ryan asked, and he was thankful for the conversation change. 

“I’m going to mass with my mom,” he told him, inhaling. “And then I’ll probably stay with her the rest of the day.” 

From there, the conversation took off without him following along. For the millionth time that day, he checked his phone to see if James had sent him another message. The last time he spoke to him was last night when he told him that his flight got cancelled and that he wouldn’t be able to be put on a new one until the twenty seventh. This morning they’d messaged for a bit but James was having shitty reception with the storm. He and his parents had flown to Vancouver two weeks ago for a funeral. They had to leave earlier than the event because of how booked every flight was, and they had to leave later than the day because all trips back to Toronto were full. They were supposed to be back yesterday in time for Christmas Eve, but that wasn’t what the universe seemed to have in mind.

“Alright,” Lynn appeared in her onesie, the most fun she ever got, with a tray of hot chocolate. She placed it down on the coffee table with a humph, before slumping onto the beanie bag. 

“Thank you, Jocelynn,” Elijah hummed, taking two drinks and handing one to Ryan. His boyfriend graciously accepted his mug, and the blond boy took a sip from his Indigo cup that read ‘ _Aunt, like a mom but cooler’_ across the front. Noah had bought it for his birthday last year since he couldn’t find one that said _Guru_ in sparkly letters. 

“You’re still moody?” Lynn picked at Noah and her cousin smacked her arm. 

“Sympathy, Lynn,” Isla chided like a mother scolding her child. “We talked about this before.” 

“And I said, I don’t do ‘sympathy’. I do facts. Fact, Noah is being moody because James isn’t here.” 

“Fact, you’re being rude,” Eli imputed with the click of his tongue. 

“Please Lynn,” Noah began, sarcastically. “Don’t change for me. Don’t change for anybody. You’re perfect just how you are.” She flipped him off, and for some reason that was the first real smile he cracked in the last two days. 

“So, Polar Express?” William suggested and apparently Noah had blacked out while they were picking movie options.

“Give me the remote,” Eli motioned to Noah, who leaned over to the coffee table and tossed it to him. As he began to flip through their DVR recordings, Noah fell back into his distracted silence. This time, his eyes falling over all the gifts under the tree. Their other tradition was that they’d open them at midnight, but right now he wasn’t interested in what he was getting. No, his attention was pulled to the little, palm sized box that he’d put under there a few days earlier. It was a little silver one with a matching silver ribbon wrapped around it making it pretty evident what it was. _Michael Hill._

Elijah was about to press play on the movie when his phone rang. He reached over to the side table and looked at it. He smiled before getting up. 

“Sorry,” he cleared his throat. “My mom’s calling. I’ll be back.” He started the tv, and left the room to answer the call.

**C L I P T W O || _Saturday_ _, Dec. 24th, 2022_ || 11:55pm**

The movie was as classic as you could get, despite everyone being voice acted by Tom Hanks and the, at times, terrifying animation. It was heartwarming and Noah found himself smiling softly by the end of it. 

“If Santa isn’t ‘real’,” William started when the credits began to roll. “Then how do parents explain where the gifts come from. Like are they just thinking the other person bought them all the stuff? What about single parents?” 

“Babe,” Isla patted his cheek. “It’s a Christmas movie, realism takes a back seat for the magic, kay?” 

“I agree with the blond boy,” Lynn crossed her arms. “It makes it less believable.” 

“You’re not meant to question it,” Ryan supplied with his calm attitude. “You’re just supposed to watch it and be distracted by the holiday-ness.”

“Exactly,” Isla pointed to him. “Y’all can’t bring logic to Christmas.” 

Elijah was looking down at his phone, typing out a message, before he tossed it back onto the table with a start. He clapped his hands together. 

“Time for presents!” Noah gave a huff of a laugh at his excitement as he detangled himself from his boyfriend. “Alright, my gifts first!” 

He stepped over Isla and William’s legs, and walked over to the tree. He grabbed his bags and began to disperse them amongst the group.

“Noah, you open first,” he instructed, handing him a box. Noah accepted the wrapped gift and examined the outside of it. _To Cupcake_ , was scrawled on the label. 

Sitting on the edge of his seat, he placed it in his lap. Ripping away the paper, he found a pair of socks that were patterned with cupcakes. He laughed, pulling them free from the tissue paper. Under them he found another box. 

“You got me LED lights?” he said, pulling it free from the wrapping, and Elijah looked proud of his purchase. 

“You know,” he hummed with a grin. “Spice things up in the bedroom.” 

He rolled his eyes.

“I’m surprised you didn’t just get him condoms,” William snorted. Elijah grinned even wider. 

“Santa hasn’t come yet. Who knows what he’ll find in his stocking.” That was another tradition; all the roommates had stockings that Elijah-- Santa-- would fill overnight for them to open in the morning. 

“Thank you, Eli,” he gave him a warm smile, placing his things on the ground. 

“Don’t thank me just yet,” he said. “I have one more surprise for you.” 

He raised his brow and Elijah tilted his chin up towards the hallway entrance. Noah looked behind him and his lips parted. 

“내 사랑,” James smiled at him with bright eyes as he stood in the threshold of the room. His cheeks were pink from the cold, and his hair was windswept with snowflakes dusted throughout his black strands. He’d taken off his winter clothes, but Noah could see his suitcase behind him in the hall. 

Before anyone could say anything, Noah was running into his arms. James caught him with ease, lifting him off the floor, clutching him to his body. They buried their faces into each other’s neck, breathing the other in like they were gasping for air. Noah had missed him so much that he held onto him as if he would disappear again if he let go. 

“I’m home now,” James whispered the words to him with reassurance. “I missed you so much.” 

Noah pulled his face back as James set him down onto the ground. He cupped his face in his hands, his skin cold against his palms.

“What are you doing here? How’d you get back?” he laughed with relief as he studied him. 

“There was a seat open on a flight,” he explained through his smile. “My mom said in no particular terms that she’d murder me if I didn’t take it.”

“They’re still in BC?” James nodded. 

“They’ll come back on the original rescheduled flight.” Noah turned his head over his shoulder to Elijah, who had rejoined Ryan on the sofa. 

“You knew?”

“He told me like seven hours ago,” he shrugged. “I am nothing if not a trustworthy guru.” 

Noah couldn’t even be mad because he felt James’ arms around him. He looked back up at him, and he felt every weight fall off him. 

“Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!” William and Isla began to chant, throwing popcorn at them. Soon Ryan and Elijah joined in, until they finally did. James dipped his head down and caught his lips, Noah hands coming up to cradle the back of his neck. Cheers erupted around them and they both couldn’t help but smile against each other’s mouth. 

“I love you,” James spoke between the two of them when they pulled away. 

“I love you, too, baby. Merry Christmas.” 

James kissed the top of his head as he drew him in for another hug. “Merry Christmas.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CANADIAN INDEX (in order of appearance):
> 
> Michael Hill: Is a jewelry company that services North America, Australia and New Zealand. In this case, Noah is alluding to the fact that he bought James his own promise ring. 
> 
> As always, let me know what you thought! Again, have a happy and safe holiday and keep an eye out for a New Year's story coming soon! 
> 
> <3 <3


	43. (Extras) New Year, Same Us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After coming back from Vancouver, the Williams (and Noah) take their annual New Year's trip up to Quebec, but ever since Christmas, James has noticed that Noah's worried about something. His insomnia has started to act up, but the most suspicious thing is that he refuses to tell James what's wrong. The older boy is determined to figure it all out before the end of the year; he doesn't want to start 2023 off on the wrong foot. No lies, no stress, no suspicion, only love and team work.

**C L I P O N E || December 28th, 2022 || 6:32pm**

James knew Noah had been stressing out for the past few days. He could see it in the way his boyfriend fell silent in pensive thought, in the way he reverted into himself, and especially in the way he wasn’t sleeping at night. But James didn’t know what had caused it. Noah had been more than happy since he came from BC. He’d been all smiles and laughs, practically attached at his hip and then… something changed. Whatever had happened, James only knew one thing: Noah was trying to hide it. 

It had begun the day after Christmas and there was a noticeable change in Noah’s attitude. He seemed worried and distracted, cracking jokes and having normal conversations only to draw James attention away from it. So as New Years rolled around, and their annual trip up to Quebec approached, James thought getting out of the city might help Noah. Fresh air, snow, a warm cottage; hopefully it would be enough to fix the problem. 

As James put his suitcase down on the ground, the floorboards creaking under the weight. 

“I don’t understand why your parents are like this,” Noah complained following him into the older boy’s room. When he shut the door, he tossed himself onto the bed and huffed lightly. 

James looked over to him, smiling. 

“They’re just weird,” he said in response. Noah clicked his tongue. 

“We’ve been together for two years. We live together-- we sleep in the same bed every night. Why won’t they let us share a room up here?” 

He gave him a sympathetic shrug before taking off his jacket and setting it on the back of a nearby chair. Linda’s cabin was the only part of his aunt that James liked, and he chose to believe was the only reason his mother kept humouring her sister. The chalet was straight out of a Christmas movie: a log, rustic but chic house surrounded by pine trees and snow. 

“It’s only for ten days,” James reminded him with an encouraging tone. “We’ve been apart longer.”

“Yeah like five days ago!” Noah wined, and he suppressed an eye roll at the dramatics. “You just got back and now we’re being separated again.” 

James walked over to the bed, joining him on the mattress. “So dramatic,” he mused, kissing Noah’s shoulder before laying onto his back. They stared up at the ceiling. “I tried, but you know my mom.”

“Not until we’re married,” Noah muttered, but there was a hint of amusement behind the words. “Listen, they’ve got to know we have sex by now.” 

James laughed at the bluntess of his statement. Tipping his head, he caught Noah cracking a smile; it was a soft expression that drew the attention away from his dark circles.

“I think they just like to ignore it if they do.” 

“Is it so hard to believe that all we want to do is sleep next to each other?” 

“All?” he asked suggestively, leaning in to kiss his neck. Noah nudged him away, with a smirk. James retaliated by moving to hover over top of him. 

Noah put his finger to the older boy’s lips before he could be kissed. “You’re going to start something you can’t finish, Min.” 

James raised his brow and then bit at his index finger. He pulled it away with a laugh. 

“Is that a challenge, Olsen?” 

There was a very brief moment of nothing, where they just stared at one another, the tension between them static. Then Noah pulled him down by the back of his neck, lifting his head off the bed an inch to meet him halfway. Their lips crashed together and he exhaled as his heart rate both calmed and spiked. Noah’s thumb brushed over the skin behind James’ ear, making him shiver. 

With one arm supporting his weight, his other hand passed over Noah’s thigh and traced his body. He loved the way it made the younger boy melt. 

As their kiss deepened, James remembered all the times Noah had snuck into this room at night-- or all the times he’d snuck into the other boy’s room. There was no way his parents were oblivious to it, or at the very least, oblivious to the possibility that it would happen. 

Noah’s arm lowered and his hands made their way up James’ crewneck, passing over his back. He pulled his lips away, much to Noah’s disapproval, but he began pressing kisses to his jaw and below his ear. When he bit at his neck lightly, Noah’s nails scratched against his skin. It was almost like a game of testing different things to find out the result. 

He moved on from his neck, not wanting to have to explain how a hickey got there to his parents. Instead, he kissed his lips again, his fingers coming to rest against the waistband of Noah’s jeans. He ran his thumb under it and Noah arched his back into him. He smiled against his mouth. But before he could do much else, there was a knock at the door.

“Dinner, Jamie!” Charlotte’s voice called from the hallway. With a shared groan of annoyance, James rolled off of him. When her footsteps retreated far enough from the door, he spoke. 

“She always knows.” 

“It’s some motherly sixth sense,” Noah muttered, before yawning into the back of his hand. James flickered his eyes to him, and as the distraction wore off, his concern returned. It had been days since he’d gotten an actual night’s worth of sleep and he was amazed that he was still as functional as he was. 

Pressing his lips together, he watched Noah sit up and slip off the bed onto his feet. There was only a faint shake to his landing but it felt magnified under the circumstances.  _ He should bring it up. He should ask him. They don’t keep secrets; it’s not like them. _

“Noah--” 

“Come on,” his boyfriend cut him off, changing the subject. “We should go before your parents actually think we’re up to something.” 

“Yeah,” he said when Noah opened the door. “I’ll be right there.” Noah gave him a nod and a smile before walking out of the room. James combed his hair back with his fingers, sighing in frustration as he did.  _ What was he going to do? _

**C L I P T W O || December 29th, 2022 || 2:01am**

The first night alone was always okay; it was a novelty to have a whole bed to himself. But Noah was right, after having already spent so much time apart this month the enjoyment of it faded pretty quickly. Besides, Noah was already having a tough enough time trying to sleep with him there. He wondered how much worse he was without him...

It almost felt wrong to be so close to Noah yet separated by a hallway and a stupid rule. He’d spoken with his mom about it when they’d been in Vancouver, trying to explain to her that they were both twenty (Noah only being shy a few weeks) and living together, but she didn’t budge.  _ You know my rule, Jamie. When you’re married I’ll reconsider. _ She said the same thing last year when he tried the whole ‘living together’ argument. He was 0 for 2 on that one. 

He couldn’t take his incessant tossing and turning, so getting out of bed he carefully opened his room’s door. By now, he’d committed to memory which boards creaked and which didn’t. If he and Noah wanted to, they’d be able to sneak into each other’s room every night-- and they wanted to, but they didn’t push their luck. Slowly turning the knob to Noah’s room, he slipped inside.

He’d expected to find his boyfriend in bed at least attempting to sleep, but he wasn’t. Instead, the younger boy was sitting cross-legged on the mattress with his laptop. 

“I thought you were leaving that at home?” 

Noah, who’d been too focused on the screen to notice him enter, jumped. He shut his laptop in reflex, only letting out a sigh when he processed it was James. 

He leaned over and turned on the side lamp, casting the room in a harsh yellow glow. James stood with his arms crossed, a narrow gaze as he stared at him. They’d promised no school and no work while at the cottage. 

“Uh, no,” Noah spoke after a pause. “I brought it last minute. Can’t sleep?” Again, he changed the subject. 

“I was going to ask you the same thing,” he turned it back on him. 

“I was just going to bed,” Noah told him with an innocent smile, making it a point to put aside his computer on the table. Then he shifted under the quilt, until he was laying down. James pressed his tongue to the roof of his mouth.  _ This boy was going to be the end of him. _

“Coming, Romeo?” he asked, reaching out for him. 

James should have said ‘no’ and forced him to tell him what was wrong. He shouldn’t have let him change the subject again, and he shouldn’t have given into his big brown eyes that were asking him to come to bed, but James was exhausted and he missed him. 

Dropping his stance he walked over to him, turning the lamp off in the process. He crawled over top of him, until they were on their regular sides of the bed: Noah left and James right. 

Noah turned inwards to wrap his arms around him and James snuggled his face into his neck, feeling whatever annoyance, frustration, and concern melt away. He breathed him in, and let his comfort settle over him. It was embarrassing how fast James fell asleep after that.

**C L I P T H R E E || December 29th, 2022 || 6:49 am**

When James woke up, it was to an empty bed. His face was pressed into Noah’s pillow, but the boy wasn’t next to him. His arm was lying where he should have been, the rest of the sheets cold in his spot. Blinking himself awake, he sat up with worry. Running a hand over his face he noticed his boyfriend’s phone missing from the nightstand but his laptop was still in place. 

His feet carried him out of the bedroom and down the steps of the chalet. He moved as quietly as possible not wanting to wake his parents who enjoyed their beauty sleep this one time of year they didn’t have to work. Plus, with all the mess of delayed flights and car rides over Christmas, James didn't want to bother them. As his foot hovered over the last step, he heard Noah’s voice coming from the living room.

“You’re the one who goes for runs at ungodly hours of the morning,” Noah said a teasing tone. He couldn’t see him from around the corner, but he could tell he was on the phone. James had never spied on his boyfriend before, or ever thought he was the kind of person who would. Their entire relationship was based on trust and communication, but Noah hadn’t been living up to those the past few days. James knew how unfair that was and how unreasonable he was being, but for some reason it didn’t matter. For some reason he stayed where he was. 

“You sure I’m not bothering you?” Noah asked. “No… I don’t know. I haven’t heard anything but I won’t for another week or whatever. I have to call next week too when it opens…” then he sighed, but the sound was in defeat. “I don’t know what I’m going to do, Ben.” 

_ Ben? _ So Noah had told Ben, but not James? That fact made a heavy feeling sink in his stomach. He couldn’t tell if it was more jealousy or irritation, maybe a bit of betrayal?

“I haven’t slept in like five days and I feel like I’m going to have a stroke.” There was a pause. “God, I’m such a failure.” 

James sucked in a breath, hating hearing him talk about himself like that.

“No,” Noah’s voice broke, and James could tell he was trying to keep himself from crying now. “I haven’t told him-- I can’t. He’s always so proud of me and he’s going to think I’m such a fucking idiot.” In the dead silence of the early morning, James could just barely hear Ben’s muffled voice on the other end of the call. He couldn’t make out what he was saying but if he knew him at all, he was probably reassuring his best friend.

“I know he knows something’s wrong but I… I can’t…” Noah sounded purely exhausted and it made James’ heart clench. Letting his shoulders fall, James pried himself away from the conversation and back up the stairs. But instead of going back to Noah’s room, he found himself in his own bed again.  _ How could he think James could ever be anything less than proud of him? _ Throwing his arm over his face, he tried to stop his thoughts from running ahead of himself. His father always warned him what jumping to conclusions would lead to, yet he couldn’t help himself. Noah had every right to tell Ben what he wanted. He had every right to tell James what he wanted, but James was kind of pissed off. This wasn’t just anything, this was something that was making him sick, something that was causing sleepless nights-- why couldn’t he trust James enough to talk to him? 

**C L I P F O U R || December 31th, 2022 || 4:54pm**

There had been a weird air around the couple since James overhead Noah’s conversation with Ben. They hadn’t addressed it, but even Charlotte and Henry seemed to have noticed. They still spoke, and sat next to each other; yesterday they’d all gone into town and James still held Noah’s hand as they walked, but there was  _ something _ between them. Something that was making the air thicker and the smiles less honest. 

“How are you, Jamie?” Henry asked James when they were alone outside. His father had dragged him into the backyard to get firewood. 

“Good,” he replied. “... How are you?” 

“Good,” Henry shrugged, handing him a chopped log. James found the juxtaposition of his father and nature to be hilarious. The middle aged man was always clean cut, his hair perfectly styled with his round glasses perfectly balanced on the bridge of his nose. He looked like a cross between a CEO and a philosophy professor who always wore tweed. He seemed like he should be British, speaking with a proper, posh accent, but he wasn’t and so he didn’t. Nature always seemed too rugged and dirty compared to Henry who seemed almost uncomfortable amongst it all. 

“And Noah?” 

“You know, he’s inside. You can ask him if you’d like,” he replied and his father gave him a raised brow at the uncharacteristic response. “He’s… okay.” He was handed another piece of wood.

“He seems tired,” Henry commented, reaching for another log. “I thought he was going to fall coming down the stairs before.” 

James closed his eyes, sighing. “He’s not sleeping… like at all. I don’t think he’s even gotten eight hours all week.” 

Henry gave him a concerned look as he placed more kindling in James’ arms. “What’s been bothering him?”

“That’s the thing!" James found himself snapping. “I don’t know! He won’t tell me!” 

“Have you asked?”

“I can’t even get the question out before he’s changing the subject.” 

“Hm,” Henry hummed, filling his own arms. “Have you confronted him about it?” 

“You say that as if it’s that easy,” James scoffed. His father nodded for him to start walking back and soon their boots were crunching into the snow.

“Noah’s a reasonable person. You just have to talk to him--I mean, _really_ try to talk to him. I’m sure you’ll get through.” 

“And if I don’t?” 

Henry shrugged. “You can’t force him to talk to you.”

“I’m scared he’s going to pass out soon, if he doesn’t start getting some sleep,” he confessed with a quieter voice.

“I’m surprised he hasn’t already,” Henry commented. “There’s not much you can do if he won’t tell you. But even if you don’t know, you can still be there for him.”

“But why won’t he tell me?” 

His father was silent as he thought and then he finally said, “Something must have scared him pretty bad.”

**C L I P F I V E || December 31th, 2022 || 9:10 pm**

It was going to be midnight in a few hours but this wasn’t how James wanted to start the new year. Noah was in the kitchen talking to Charlotte about something, but if his mother noticed how exhausted he looked, she didn’t say anything. 

“Go talk to him,” Henry whispered, patting his son’s back as he walked past him. “I’ll keep your mother company.” 

* * *

James did manage to steal his boyfriend away from Charlotte quite easily, but that was as ‘easy’ as the whole plan was going to get. When he sat Noah down on his bed, he could already tell the other boy knew what was about to happen. 

“I know something’s bothering you,” he began carefully after a moment of silence. Noah held his gaze but didn’t speak. “I just want to help you, Noah. You know you can tell me anything, so please just tell me what’s wrong.”

Noah’s eyes were glossy, the dark circles under his eyes more prominent under the glow of the lamp. He had his hands in his lap as he sat crossed legged, a few curls falling over his forehead as he chin tipped down. 

“I don’t want to talk about it,” he swallowed. “Just forget about it okay?”

“I can’t,” James said softly. “You’re not okay. I’m worried about you, so no, I can’t stop thinking about it.” 

He was close enough to lay a hand on his knee, pulling his focus back to him. 

“What’s wrong, 내 사랑?” he tried again, keeping his voice between them. The room was empty and quiet, yet, it still felt too big for this conversation. 

Noah didn’t talk for a while. It felt like half an hour of just pure static between them. For a moment James thought that he wouldn’t say anything at all, but eventually, Noah caved. 

He lowered his eyes again, doing everything to avoid James’ stare. 

“I’m going to lose my scholarship.” Whatever James had thought he was going to say-- whatever he thought Noah had been keeping a secret, he didn’t think it was that. “I… I failed my biology class.”

There was a shame in his voice that made James’ chest tighten. 

“Failed?”

He closed his eyes. “I got the credit just barely, but my GPA dropped… to a 3.33.”

James opened his mouth and then closed it again. Normally, that wasn’t a shitty average-- in fact, that didn’t put him anywhere near academic probation. That was a pretty good mark, but not for Noah. That would lose his scholarship. He needed to maintain a 4.0 by the end of the academic year. 

“What would you need next semester?”

“A 4.67,” Noah laughed bitterly, his voice strained. 

“That’s--”

“Impossible?” he sniffled. “Because the scale doesn’t go that fucking high? Yeah, I’m fucked.” This was one of those moments that happens in life that no one teaches you how to handle. You just have to pray you’ve got enough experience and wisdom to figure it out. 

Noah wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. 

“Why didn’t you tell me when you found out?” 

“I couldn’t,” he sighed through his tears. “I’m so fucking stupid.”

“You’re not stupid, Noah,” James assured him, but he knew he didn’t believe him. He shifted closer to him and tipped his chin up. “You’re not. It was one class, okay?”

“I feel like I am.” 

“You always force yourself to be at the top. You don’t have anything to prove to anyone. Not to me, or your parents or teachers, or even yourself. Things like this happen and it fucking sucks becuase you try so hard and you still fail. But you can’t let it take more than it already has.” 

“I should’ve tried harder. I knew I was failing.”

James shook his head, touching his palm to the side of his neck. “You can’t blame your past self; that never gets anyone anywhere. You’ll figure this out, because you’re so much smarter than you give yourself credit for.” 

“You have to say that,” Noah mumbled. “It looks bad on you if you’re dating a stupid person.” 

James gave a huff of a laugh. “I know you, you have either figured something out or you will.”

“I’ve already emailed my adviser, and I’m waiting on my OSAP email to come in, and I’m applying to eight more scholarships; I’ve been writing all the essays this past week.”

James blinked at him, and then his lips curled into a smile. “You realize how proud of you I am, right? Like extremely? Constantly? Without fail?”

“Are you sure?” his voice was weak and wavering, and James didn’t fight his urge to hug him any longer. He collected him in his arms and held him tightly. 

“I love you,” he whispered into the younger boy’s ear. “I’m proud of you no matter what.” 

“Even if I murder somebody?” Noah spoke into his chest. James snorted at his boyfriend’s inability to not try to defuse any situation with humour.

“I’ll probably be burying the body so, yes probably even then.” 

“I love you too,” Noah whispered back as they sat entwined for another few minutes. After a bit, he yawned and James ran a hand down his back. 

“Lets go to sleep,” he told him. 

Noah pulled his face back to meet his eye. “But it’s New Years. I think your parents will notice we’re MIA.”

“It’ll be okay. Just… an hour? Please, I need you to try and sleep for at least an hour and then we can get up and celebrate. Okay?” 

Noah contemplated it, but even James could see he was about to pass out anyway. He gave a nod and James hadn’t been this relieved since his plane landed on Christmas Eve. 

Detangling himself from him for a second, James reached over and turned the lamp off, before laying down with Noah in his arms above the covers. 

Although he could feel himself wanting to sleep too, he forced himself to stay awake until he knew Noah was  _ actually  _ asleep. Then he let his eyes close and the warmth between them lulled him into a peaceful slumber. 

**C L I P S I X || January 1st, 2023 || 8:01 am**

The sun was coming through the cracks in the curtains when James blinked his eyes open. Waking himself up, he noticed that Noah was still asleep, having turned over onto his stomach over the night. His face was pressed into the pillow, his arms curled underneath him. His complexion looked much better, and James felt himself breathe a bit easier when he sat up. 

They’d slept through the midnight countdown but this wasn’t a bad way to start off the new year. Reaching for his phone, which was still in his back pocket, he noted the onslaught of celebration text-messages and Instagram posts that flooded his notifications. 

He was surprised his parents hadn’t woken them up for the occasion, but also thankful. He found himself sitting silently for a while as he stared off at nothing in particular. Kassi’s message about being thankful to be his friend, really got him thinking. This might not have been how he planned to spend New Year's Eve, but he couldn’t help but think of all the things he was grateful for-- all the things he knew he could look forward to. 

He had his best friends, Kassi and Adian. He had his parents and his cousin Amanda, who was expecting her first child. All the roommates who’d grown into an extension of his family. And of course--

“Hi,” Noah said as he turned onto his back; the side of his face was marked with the imprint of the pillow case, and his hair was a mess of soft curls.

“Happy 2023.”

At that, the younger boy groaned half-heartedly. “We slept through Ryan Seacrest.” James chuckled, a breathy sound that came with his half-asleep state. 

“How are you feeling?” he asked lovingly, brushing a strand from Noah’s eye. His shoulders shrugged against the mattress, a soft smile on his features.

“Tired,” Noah began, “but better.” 

“You can go back to sleep.” But he just shook his head.

“Nah… but I would like to collect my New Year's kiss.” It was a sweet request that felt both needed and earned, and James was not one to turn down a kiss. Dipping his head down, he paused when their faces were inches apart. 

“I love you.”

Noah seemed to sigh at that, his eyes falling shut. “I love you too, baby.” 

Their lips met and it was sweet and a bit sleepy, but still lived up to their New Year’s expectation. 

“You know what I’m thinking?” James asked when he pulled his face back. Noah ran his thumb over the older boy’s bottom lip absentmindedly.

“What?” 

“Homemade pancakes.” James knew everything about Noah, although sometimes they did keep secrets. He knew how to get him to laugh, and how to push his buttons. He knew when things were upsetting him, and he knew how to make him feel good. He also knew how to get him to eat, especially when he was too stressed out to. 

His boyfriend’s eyes widened at the suggestion. “Yes,” he grinned like a four year old at Christmas. “I like the way you think, Romeo.” 

**C L I P S E V E N || January 1st, 2023 || 8:18 am**

“Okay, but you’re not allowed to touch the stove,” James warned him with a point. Noah hoisted himself onto the countertop and then raised his hands in surrender. “I mean it, Juliet. We can’t burn this kitchen down or Linda will come for me.” 

“Nah, she’s too scared of me,” Noah said nonchalantly, with a proud smile.

James shook his head at the stupidity, but Noah wasn’t lying. Linda definitely seemed to stay away from him when his boyfriend was around. “I think it’s because you have no filter.” 

“No filter  _ for her bullshit _ ,” he corrected with a pointed look. James grabbed the milk and eggs from the fridge. “She knows I’ll fight her if she tries anything.” 

He looked at him. “God, I love you.” 

“Hmm,” Noah hummed. “If you really loved me, you’d get going on these pancakes. I’m hungry.” 

Rolling his eyes, James pulled up the recipe on his phone and started scrolling through all the measurements; there was silence that filled the room while he did.

After a bit, Noah spoke, “What if I don’t get the money?” 

James flickered his eyes over to him, although from where he was standing he only saw his back. Noah was keeping his eyes focused in front of him, his attention on a fridge magnet. Reaching into the bag of flour, James levelled one cup before putting it into the mixing bowl. 

“You will,” he replied smoothly. Noah turned his torso to look at him. 

“But what if I don’t?”

He measured a half cup next. “We’ll figure it out.” 

“I need a plan,” Noah faced forward again, starting to go back into his head. 

“A plan?” James blanched, closing the drawer. “You’re already applying for scholarships, sent emails-- Noah, you’re fine. You can’t spend your entire time up here thinking about it. This is your vacation time.” 

“I can’t just turn it off, James,” he snapped, but it didn’t hurt. “If I could, don’t you think I would have done it by now?” 

“You know that’s not what I meant,” he tried again, finding the baking powder and measuring spoons. He added it in before the salt and sugar. 

“I didn’t have to take out a loan first year, and the last thing I want is to be in debt with the government.” There was another pause for thought. James waited for him to speak again, but he didn’t.

“This year is paid for, right?” he said, walking around to stand in front of him. He handed Noah the bowl and a whisk, trying to distract him for a bit. Noah accepted it, too worried to question the arbitrary task. 

“Yes.”

James leaned back on the fridge, crossing his arms. “You have time to worry about it. You’ll still get money from the school just not all of it, and you’ll have your OSAP, and all those scholarships you’re going to get--”

“But--”

“That you’re going to get,” he repeated. “I think you might have more money next year than this, but if you need a plan F, you know I can help you.” 

Noah, who'd had his eyes on whisking, shot his head up. “Absolutely not.”

“Even when it’s just hypothetical, you don’t let me help you.” 

“You’re not giving me money.”

James motioned around them to the chalet they were staying in. “As you can see, I have it.”

“Your family has it,” he pointed the whisk at him. 

“I’m a trust fund baby,” James shrugged at him and Noah huffed a  _ ha _ . “Please. Just say that if it comes to plan F, you’ll consider it.” 

“Nope,” Noah stuck to his ethics.

“God, you’re stubborn,” James pushed himself off the fridge, and grabbed an egg out of the carton. Moving over to Noah, he stood in front of him while cracking it in. 

“I know you want to help,” Noah said, stirring, “but you already do, trust me.” 

“One day we’ll have a joint bank account and you’ll have to take my money,” James said playfully and Noah hit his foot against his leg. 

“Yeah, that’ll be the day I finally get to share a bed with you here.”

James poured out a cup of milk into the bowl, and it splashed as it hit the whisk, ending up in his face. Noah laughed as James stood with his eyes closed and lips pressed together. The younger boy sat the bowl down, before using his sleeve to dry James’ face. 

“There,” he announced with a sweet voice. When he pulled his hand back, James caught it and kissed it. 

“You’re going to be fine, 내 사랑,” he promised him. Noah didn’t entirely believe him, but he was starting to. “Now, I better get the pan heated up before you starve to death.” 

As he went to leave, Noah caught him with his leg. “Just… ” and then the younger boy kissed him, cupping his face. He wasn’t expecting it, but after a second he relaxed, his hand coming to rest on his knee. 

A moment later, Noah pulled back with a shy smile. “Okay,” he cleared his throat. “You can go now.” 

James blushed as he left his side, noting the amusement in his boyfriend’s expression as he continued with his task of mixing. 

“Morning, boys,” Charlotte greeted them, walking into the kitchen. “Happy New Year.”

“Happy New Year,” they both replied at the same time, with matching grins. She looked between them both, not even batting an eye at Noah sitting on the counter. Instead, she just walked over to the coffee machine. As she pressed the button to start it, Henry appeared at the threshold of the room.

“I see the whole family’s up,” he noted, walking in. As he went to grab a glass of water, he raised his brow at Noah. “Noah, son, why are you on the counter?” 

“Leave him there,” James told his father. “He needs to be visible at all times.”

“He thinks I’ll start a fire if I’m not supervised,” the younger boy explained casually. Henry seemed to accept the answer with a single nod, and no follow up questions. 

“Did you both sleep well?” he asked, flickering his eye to his son. James gave him a small smile, answering his actual question:  _ Did you work it out? _

“Yup,” Noah answered, hopping off the island to bring James the bowl. 

“Not surprising,” Henry commented, taking a sip of water. “You two were unconscious when I came to get you for midnight. Like trying to wake the dead.” 

“Slept right through the fireworks too,” Charlotte added in, picking up her mug of hot coffee. Noah’s cheeks turned pink at the information, pressing his lips together. She and Henry began making their way to the living, but she casted a look back at them. 

“Exception was granted last night, but you know my rule--”

“--Not until we’re married,” they both cut her off. She gave them a fond smile before leaving. 

“I think we should elope,” Noah said leaning his back against the cupboard. 

“I see you found a loophole.” 

“She never specified our age,” his boyfriend shrugged, then he sent him a smirk. “City hall?”

“I’ve got nothing planned today,” James accepted the proposal. “Let’s say… three o’clock?”

“I can pencil you in,” Noah played along. Their eyes met and they shared a smile, James catching the way the sun through the window lit Noah perfectly. His hair was getting longer the more he went without cutting it, letting his wavy curls frame his face. With his head tipped back against the cabinet, his hands in his jean pockets, his lips curled into a smile, his eyes soft and big-- he looked beautiful. James wondered if he only saw him like that because he was in love with the boy. He wondered how other people saw him. Did they only see imperfections? It was something he didn’t think he’d ever know, or want to know, because from his angle, he liked the view. 

Realizing that he should be paying less attention to Noah and more attention to the pancake, he flipped it. It had almost burnt entirely on one side. 

“This is why you sit over there,” James muttered playfully, motioning to the island behind him where he’d be out of his sight. “You cause fires.” 

“I start fires, now I cause them by merely existing,” Noah listed, rolling his eyes. “There’s no winning with you.” 

“They say no distractions in the kitchen; it’s a safety hazard,” he told him, lowering the heat of the burner. Noah clicked his tongue at him. 

“Seems more like a you problem than a me problem.”

“Do you want pancakes or not?” 

“Fine, fine,” Noah walked back to the island and sat down, this time on the stool. “You know, this is why I prefer to watch. I can stare all day long, and not cause any incidents.” 

James looked over his shoulder at him, to find Noah with his chin propped up in his hand as he wore an innocent smile.

“Oh, don’t mind me. Continue,” he motioned for him to turn back around and James flipped him off. 

“Little demon,” he uttered under his breath. 

“What’d you say?” 

“Nothing!” James grinned. “Only that you’re the love of my life!”

“Mmhmm,” he hummed sarcastically. “Yup, forever stuck with me… your _ little demon _ .” 

“I meant it in the most endearing way possible.”

“Sure you did,” Noah mused, “ _love of my life_.” 

James turned back to his pancakes, his face hurting from smiling so much. If this was any indication for how their year was going to go, he had no problems with it. Sure, they’d have their issues; their times of seriousness, and needs for reassurance and support-- he didn’t doubt that at all. But he also knew who they were as a team. How they worked with each other. How they communicated, how they loved, how they listened. He knew Noah and Noah knew him, and at the end of the day, they’d make it through anything probably laughing, and bickering, and flirting like they always did. It was just… their style. And he liked it like that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CANADIAN INDEX (in order of appearance):
> 
> OSAP: "Ontario Student Assistance Program" allows post-secondary students to apply for grants, bursaries, and loans from the provincial government. You must meet a certain criteria in order to qualify, and the amount you receive is based on qualifications and circumstances. 
> 
> Academic Probation: If you get an extremely low GPA (Grade Point Average) you can be placed on academic probation which is a warning for suspension. You are given a chance to raise your grades before further actions are taken by the institution. For UofT (Noah's school) that means a GPA of 1.5 or lower, and for Ryerson (James' school) a GPA of 1.66 or lower.
> 
> School Scholarships: Each university is different, but most universities will give their students money depending on their previous year's GPA. In Noah's case, he must maintain a 4.0 or higher to receive a yearly allowance. If you drop you either get less money or none at all (all dependent on the average you attain). I can speak to Ryerson University and if Noah was attending Ryerson and received a GPA of 3.33 he'd receive no money. At RU, you must achieve a 3.67 in order to get the minimum $500/year.
> 
> ***   
> I hope you enjoyed this New Year's extra! Have a wonderful start to your 2021, and keep an eye out for more content in the next coming year! I am beyond grateful for all your kind words and your continued support! Thank you and stay safe <3 <3


	44. (Extras) James and the Giant Surprise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James has to plan something special for Noah's champagne birthday. With some help from the Brozzz, he plans on redeeming a certain horribly executed date from their past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Birthday Noah Anthony Olsen! 
> 
> Born January 20th, 2003 at 11:56pm at St. Micheal's Hospital in Toronto, Ontario.

**C L I P O N E || Tuesday January 10th, 2023 || 5:31pm**

Noah was turning twenty on January 20th, so not only was this a big birthday, this was his Champagne Birthday. James had his work cut out for him. He wasn’t stressing per say, but he wasn’t completely _not_ stressing either. He was floating in a purgatory of _almost_ freaking out, because if there was one thing that Noah didn’t like, it was surprises. He could barely let James take him on secret dates without asking a million and one question (utterly adorable, only boarding on slightly annoying). So if Noah even _suspected_ anything, James would cave immediately. 

“Dude,” Logan laughed at him when he secretly FaceTimes the Brozzz while Noah was at work. “You can’t keep a secret from him.” 

“You’ll take one look at those big, brown, puppy dog eyes and completely break,” Ben teased, capping and uncapping his pen. James found that, although they never hung out just the four of them, his boyfriend’s friends treated him like an honorary member of their group. That apparently meant that they were allowed to be very honest.

“Do none of you have faith in me?” he asked, with an uneasy laugh on the tip of his tongue.

“The most,” Thomas imputed with a smile that made James think otherwise. 

“He’ll never know,” he told them like a chant that he’d been reciting for the last few weeks.

“I think it’s cute,” Sophia’s face popped up behind Logan’s chair. Her blonde hair was thrown into a bun on the top of her head, her fake ‘aesthetic’ clear glasses resting on the bridge of her nose. As Logan pulled her into his lap, James could see that she was wearing her boyfriend’s fire department sweatshirt. 

“Hey, Sophia,” he greeted her, not knowing she was there. All of Noah’s friends had gone their separate ways, some working, some going to school, some moving hours away. Once a year they all got back together like an annual reunion filled with lots of stories and drinking and crying at the end. James hadn’t seen Sophia since then but she looked the exact same. 

“I think he’s going to love it, James,” she cooed, giggling. “You guys are always so adorable.” 

“Thanks,” he pressed his lips together in a not quite smile.

“A little offended that you didn’t ask me, the professional party planner for advice, but,” she said playfully so he’d know she was only kidding. 

“I’ll let you do his twenty-fifth, how about that?” And Sophia gave him a big grin, her bubble gum pink lipstick making her teeth seem impossibly white. 

“Deal.”

“So do you just want the videos then?” Ben inquired speaking up. James nodded and the guys all gave affirmations of agreement.

“Yeah, before the fifthteenth,” he requested and they all nodded. 

“So what are you going to do since there's no party this year?” Logan asked, his cheek pressed against Sophia’s shoulder. James ran his fingers through his hair, before fidgeting with the promise ring that Noah had gotten him for Christmas. It hung from a thin silver chain around his neck because it got in the way of typing too much. 

“I’ve got an idea,” he answered vaguely and the boys all ‘oohed’. Not _that_ idea, although yes, but that wasn’t his entire plan.

“You won’t even give us a hint?” Ben tried to get more information. 

“I bet you all know about that disaster date that happened in high school.” They all winced at the memory. “I want to redeem myself.”

“I think you’ll pull it off,” Tom hummed. “And I’ll send you that video.”

“You’re a real G,” Logan pointed his finger at the camera. “Good luck, bro.”

“Thanks bro,” he said back at him. As people began hanging up, Ben texted James to stay on the call. Once it was just the two of them, Ben spoke up. 

“You know he doesn’t hold that night against you right?” he reassured him, with a serious expression.

“I know,” James nodded, swallowing. “But that night… I still think about it sometimes. He just deserved better. God, he deserves so much better.”

Ben looked at him, a silence enveloping them as James waited in judgement. 

“In grade two Noah and I were in our school’s holiday play,” Ben began, leaning back in his chair to tell the story. James had been intimidated by his boyfriend’s best friend when he met him. He was six foot with the physic of a hockey player. He held a serious expression most of the time, and always looked like he was calculating the best way to crush you. But then he spoke, and he was a big teddy bear who laughed and smiled and joked with his friends. He protected Noah, almost as fiercely as Noah protected him. They were each other’s family when they needed one, and James knew that Ben probably had his worries about him. Especially after the _fantastic_ first impression the older boy had made. 

“He played an angel,” Ben snorted, knowing how ironic that was now. “And I was a Christmas tree, or maybe I was an elf… I might be mixing up the years but it’s not that important. Basically, Noah got stage fright last minute and didn’t want to go on because he had this long part he had to say. These days he’s an attention whore, but back then he was shy.” 

James smiled as he listened. He didn’t think that side entirely left the boy. Noah was still shy sometimes, his cheeks turning pink and his eyes averting; sometimes he would angle his body behind James’ if he didn’t like a person’s question. 

“We weren’t best friends yet, but I went to go talk to him. Not a lot of kids liked him, and I guess that’s why he didn’t want to go up in front of the school. But when I was convincing him to go on stage, I realized that he was actually funny and nice, and I couldn’t figure out why everyone else picked on him. I still don’t know, but I vowed that day that I would stand up for him.”

“Very honourable,” James commented, and he meant it. Ben shrugged his shoulders, his arms coming to cross in front of his chest. He wondered what those kids from their elementary school would say if they saw how Ben and Noah turned out. 

“Not to me,” said Ben. “It was just something I had to do. I still think it’s my job even though I’m two hours away and…” and he paused. “Obviously I can’t physically be there anymore, but I feel better knowing he has you now. You’ll protect him.” 

James wanted to say that Noah could protect himself, but he knew that wasn’t always true. He gave him a smile and a nod. 

“Everyday.” 

“The point that I’m trying to get to-- stick with me, there is one I promise--” he sighed, running a hand over his chin. “Is that, as we grew up, went to high school, I could see him retreating back into that grade two kid that was so worried about fitting in that he made himself sick. Then all that shit happened with his parents and instead of running off of the stage, Noah found a different way of lashing out. He was toxic, mostly to himself. I didn’t know how to help him. I thought maybe he needed a girlfriend, you know? To give him an outlet, someone to talk to, definitely to also get laid because man, Noah was starting to get on everyone’s nerves.”

James laughed, running his hand up his arm. 

“Not someone to _fix_ him, but give him what he needed to get better again. Then he met you, and yeah, you two had that rough patch for a bit, but man, when I tell you that you made him see… I don’t know, his worth or something, I mean it. He was _Noah_ again, but not even. He was a version of himself that he’d never been before. This one loved _himself_ . I guess it’s true, you know, what they say about your soulmate making you want to be a better person. And finally we come to the moral of this all-- you’re exactly what he deserves. Not better, not less, he deserves _you_ , at least for right now. I don’t go around jinxing shit. I’m superstitious about that crap. But at this moment in his life, you’re exactly who he needs. Okay?”

“And I thought you didn’t like me.” 

Ben laughed, a hardy sound that made his face light up. “Oh, I didn’t for like a few weeks and then I was weary of you for another couple months, and then you had that fight with him after my birthday two years ago, and I was worried you’d break up because I was already sold on you. But, he’s kept you around.”

“Luckily.” 

“Nah,” Ben shook his head, his smile bright. “Not luck. He kept you on purpose.”

“Thanks for this,” James motioned his hand between them.

“You’ll probably end up hearing this speech again at your wedding,” Ben tossed out there. “But sucks, I’m not writing a whole new emotional monologue.”

“It’s perfect,” he told him. “Can’t wait to hear it again.” 

“Some day,” Ben nodded with a narrowed gaze, like he was thinking of the odds. “Yeah, someday. So now that I poured my heart to you-- what did you get him?”

James shrugged, dropping his arms against his sides. “Sorry, Benjamin. Although your words were touching, I’m no idiot, I know where your loyalty lies. If I tell you, Noah's going to know before we even end this call.”

“I tried,” Ben said. “He can’t say I didn’t.”

“I knew he asked you to spy,” James called it. Ben made a zipper motion over his mouth. 

“Your secrets are safe with me, James. I _promise._ ” 

**C L I P T W O || Tuesday January 10th, 2023 || 8:30pm**

James didn’t trust Ben’s ominous _promise,_ but when Noah got home from tutoring, he didn’t show any signs that he knew what the older boy was planning. 

“Hey, baby,” Noah greeted him, wrapping his arms around his neck and pulling him down for a kiss. He shivered feeling the cold roll off of his boyfriend’s body. 

“How was your day?” 

“Meh. Nothing interesting,” Noah shrugged, a soft smile on his lips. “You?”

“Boring,” James answered, leaning back on the wall as he watched Noah take off his winter clothes. “But I was thinking…about your birthday.” Noah flickered his eyes over to him for a second before unlacing his boots.

“What about it?”

“It’s coming up. I know you don’t want a big thing.” 

“Correct.”

“But I still want to do something.” James was testing the water, but unbenounced to Noah, he’d already plunged in head first. 

“Like what? You know we could just stay home, I wouldn’t mind.” Of course he wouldn’t, he never did. 

“Yeah, not happening,” James scoffed, stuffing his hands into his jeans. “I’m taking you out at least.” 

Noah smiled over at him, before shedding his last of his winter accessories and crossing back over to him. “Okay.” 

He drew him in by his shoulders, and Noah wrapped his arms around his back, hugging him. 

“Yeah?” James buried his face into the boy’s neck, placing a kiss on his shoulder. 

“Yeah, okay. We can go out.” 

**C L I P T H R E E || Friday January 20th, 2023 || 7:05pm**

Noah had been silent the entire time James led him to the hotel room, and it made him nervous. His face was void of any emotion making it impossible for the older boy to read him, and it made him even more nervous.

Inside the room looked almost exactly the same as that night two years ago. If James hadn’t already been up to get the place ready, then he would probably be taken aback by the memories. He knew this wasn’t going to be easy for either of them to be here, but James thought they could both use this as an opportunity. 

“There’s this theory,” James spoke carefully, appealing to his boyfriend’s logic. “That if you have a bad memory about something, say a hotel room, that revisiting it and paving over it was a good memory will make it hurt less.”

Noah licked his lips, his eyes still lingering on the room. But this time, there was a hint of something else behind his irises. Now, he was no longer looking at the space itself, but rather at how James had decorated it. The table was set for a fancy dinner, there were flowers and champagne coloured balloons. Obviously, there was champagne (non-alcoholic), and roses scattered on the duvet of the bed.

Finally, as Noah processed it all, he tipped his face up to James. That shimmer that James had seen a few moments before, was still there glossing over his eyes. 

“I know it’s a bit selfish to monopolize your birthday for this, but--” Noah took his hand, his sentence trailed off as he looked down at their entwined fingers. 

“This…” his boyfriend began slowly, a small smile dressing his features. “Yeah, I have no words.”

“That’s a first,” he teased and Noah rolled his eyes. “Is it a… good speechlessness?”

“I hate surprises, but you always managed to make the not knowing worth it.”

“You knew I planned something?” 

“Obviously,” Noah waved him off, his lips pulled up higher. “I know you, James, and you know me, too. Thank you for doing this.” 

James lifted their laced hands up to his mouth, and kissed his knuckles. “I love you.” Then he pulled him into his arms, leaning down to press a kiss to his lips. Noah hooked his arm around his neck, as James dropped his hand to press it to the small of his back. 

“Happy birthday,” he said, his voice soft and only between them. Noah pecked his lips. 

“I love you and thank you for no party.” 

James chuckled, their noses brushing. “I promised no party, but I do have another surprise.” 

“You spoil me,” Noah shook his head lightly, a few of his curls coming loose from under the brim of his winter hat. 

“Come,” James said, pulling away to take off his own jacket. “I’ll show you.” Once they were out of their coats and boots, he led Noah to the bed and sat him down. He could feel the younger boy’s eyes graze over him as he walked away. 

“Are you my surprise?” he asked cheekily, and James shot him a look over his shoulder. His lips pulled into a smirk. 

“Dessert before dinner?” James countered, teasingly. “Is it your birthday or something?” He grabbed his laptop off the desk and returned to Noah’s side. He tipped his chin up, their lips brushing. “I don’t count as a surprise.” He kissed him briefly. Noah hummed at the reply, and James opened the lid of his computer and handed it to his boyfriend. He positioned himself behind him and between the headboard. Wrapping his arms around his torso, James rested his chin on Noah’s shoulder. 

“You can press play whenever you want,” he whispered in his ear, prompting him. Noah shifted, pressing up against him and then finally he hit the spacebar. 

At first it was photos and clips of them collaged together, but eventually, about a minute in, there was an abrupt cut to the montage and the real surprise began. 

_“Happy birthday, H!”_ Ben’s video began with him throwing shredded papers that looked like he’d cut up homework at the camera. _“I probably called you this morning, but twenty is an important milestone. Do worry, dude. We’ll celebrate when I come home during reading week. Don’t miss my perfect ass too much.”_

_“Bro!”_ Logan’s face came after. _“Bro! Bro! Broooooo! On this day twenty years ago, you were BIRTHED! Ahhhh! Haps man! Sorry I’m probably saving cats from burning buildings right now, but I wanted to say I love you!”_

Noah’s initial shock had worn off and now he was laughing, his eyes becoming misty. He tipped his face slightly to look at James. “Jealous?”

“I’m always jealous of Logan.” 

_“Happy birthday Noey!_ ” Thomas screamed through the screen. _“I still see your ass haunting the campus but I miss us all hanging out! Reading week can’t come soon enough! Have fun tonight! And I’ll see your hungover ass on Monday!”_

 _“What can I say about my best friend?”_ Arwa hummed. _“Her name is Christina. She’s Latina, loud, dramatic, a party girl, a bisexual queen-- oh, shit, this is for Noah? Oh. Noah…. Hmm the name sounds familiar. I’m just messing with you,_ _best friend. Happy birthday, to the worst yet best chem lab partner. I may have dragged your ass over the finish line but you ended up walking away on your own two feet. I miss you-- James, edit that out or else I’m seriously never going to hear the end of it.”_

 _“Happy birthday, Noah!”_ Ella shouted with her arms raised above her head. She’d moved the furthest away, and James could tell Noah missed her. _“I might be in Ottawa, but I’m still in the same fucking time zone. Pick up a damn phone, Olsen. But seriously, if you don’t call me soon, I will catch the Via Rail so fast, but not as fast as you’ll catch these hands. I might be slightly tipsy right now but I procrastinated to the last minute, obviously. Happy birthday!”_

Then the next video played, Isla and William sitting on their sofa holding hands like rich, old white couples did in family portraits. 

_“Hello, Noah,”_ Isla began. _“It’s your mother and father here.”_

 _“We wanted to wish you a happy birthday,”_ William played along. 

_“Yes, kisses,”_ she mocked air kisses towards the camera. 

“What was that?” Noah asked laughing and crying at the same time. James was laughing too, still unsure even after having edited and watched the whole thing a million times. 

“I honestly couldn’t even begin to tell you,” he told him, unfortunately. As the movie wrapped up with Christina, Sophia, Elijah, and even Kassi getting their well wishes in, Noah had fallen silent again. 

The laptop screen faded to black before playing one last clip. It was a random video that James had taken after semi formal all those years ago. The younger Noah was laughing at something the past James had said, his head tipped back in a laugh as they walked out of the venu hall. 

_“What are you doing, Romeo?”_ he had grinned at him shily. 

_“Found footage movies are always the best movies.”_

_“Oh, so now you’re going to be a filmmaker too,”_ Noah had teased. _“Author, artist--”_

“--Romantic and now director,” Noah spoke in tandem with himself in the recording, having remembered what he’d said. He seemed almost in a trance as James watched his reaction with a loving gaze. 

_“So who’s the star of your found footage movie?”_

James’ chuckle was heard from behind the camera. _“You.”_

 _“Me?”_ Noah had blushed, or maybe it was just cold that night. _“What could you possibly find entertaining about me?”_

 _“You’ll see,”_ he’d hummed in response. _“I’ll find a use for it one day.”_

_“What would you title your masterpiece?”_

_“The boy who’s afraid of heights.”_

_“Fuck you.”_ Noah had shot him a look over his shoulder, his smile having contradicted his words. _“I am not scared of heights.”_

_“Whatever you say, Juliet.”_

Then the screen finally, actually faded to black, and the title of the Happy Birthday video that was scrawled across was _The Boy Who’s Afraid of Heights_. 

“It’s not the height that you’re scared of,” Noah began, wiping at his tears. “It’s the fall.” 

“But I caught you, didn’t I?” James kissed under his ear.

“I can’t believe you did all this for me,” he turned in his lap to face him. 

“I told you I’d make a movie about you,” James said, leaning their foreheads together. They breathed together in a moment of peacefulness, a calmness that came with the comfort. This was what James would miss about Noah the most: the way it felt easier to just _be_ \-- the way it felt easier to _exist_ with him. 

Noah’s fingers ran James’ chain between them, his thumb and index finger passing over the ring that hung on it. Unlike Noah’s, James’ was black and stood out against his normal silver rings. It had been a surprise, not having expected one in return, but when Noah handed him the small box after all he’d done to get home for Christmas, it just felt perfect. 

“I think this is my favourite birthday.”

“And your second?” 

“Last year’s,” he smiled up at James. “And it might also be tied with the one before that.” 

“I’m honoured,” the older boy kissed his cheek.

“I never told you this,” Noah cleared his throat lightly, his eyes still on the ring between his fingers. There wasn’t much they didn’t share, but there were still things; past things, thoughts that they’d never found a way to vocalize. “But I hate my birthday.”

“What?” James gave him a questioning gaze of just slight disbelief. “Is that why you didn’t want a party? I just thought you were too busy this year.”

“Nope, it’s because I hate it,” he repeated. “But you were so excited our first year together so I just went with it… and again last year…”

“I… why?” 

He shrugged, nudging the laptop further to the centre of the mattress and moving out of James’ lap to sit across from him. “I don’t know. I just kind of just grew up hating it.”

“Kids love their birthday,” James challenged though not strongly. “That’s like the best time to have a birthday. Everyone comes to your party, you get a shit ton of gifts, and eat all the trash you want.”

Noah smiled at his description but it wasn’t a look of nostalgia. It was mostly directed towards the passion in James’ voice. 

“I didn’t have a lot of friends,” he explained, and James remembered Ben’s story. “Ben was about it and I kind of just… I don’t know, my mom always made a big deal about it but the older I got the less I wanted to celebrate it. It was never special, I guess. Just another day, except I got cake.” 

“But now you have so many friends,” James reminded him, motioning to the computer. “And you have me, who will happily throw you the biggest party, you just have to ask.” 

“You’re sweet,” Noah told him. “Maybe in a couple of years.”

“Well,” James shifted. “I might have promised Sophia she could plan your twenty-fifth, so you can have four more years of me and you, but she will be throwing you the most elaborate, surprise party in the history of parties.” 

Noah sighed, but it was more playful than harsh. “She means it, you know? Like she will take that promise and hold onto it forever.” 

James was smiling. “I can’t wait to see her hunt me down in five years if you two lose touch. I have no doubts she’ll find us.” They shared a knowing look, because they knew how accurate that prediction was. 

“But I hope you know,” Noah began shortly afterwards, “that I appreciated those parties you threw. Even if I despised all the birthday singing.” 

“Oh? You mean the happy birthday song?” James gave him an evil look and Noah kissed his teeth. 

“I swear to God, James. If you start singing, I will leave you here to lay in roses all by yourself.” 

“You have to believe in God, to swear to him, babe.” 

“I mean it James,” Noah pointed a finger at him and James began moving towards him. For every inch he came closer, Noah pushed back, his smile contradicting his stern words. 

“ _Happy birthday to you_ \--”

Noah groaned. “God, it’s so much worse than when they do it at restaurants.”

“ _Happy birthday to you_ \--”

“It’s embarrassing,” Noah continued to interrupt him, his face blushing profusely. “Why is that song so cringy.” 

“ _Happy birthday to dear Noah,”_ James sang, laughing as he stopped his boyfriend from falling off the mattress. He pulled Noah’s ankle until he was laying on his back, James hovering over him. _“Happy birthday to you._ ” 

“I hate you,” he muttered, shaking his head up at him. James grinned, his hair falling in his eyes as he looked down at the most… perfecting, loving, funny, amazing, smart, person he’d ever met. 

“I love you too, 내 사랑,” he replied, pecking his lips. “Every universe.” 

Noah kissed him again, this time for a bit longer. “Every universe.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CANADIAN INDEX (in order of appearance):
> 
> Ottawa: Canada's capital city, home to Carlton University and the University of Ottawa. It's located on the boarder of Ontario and Quebec.
> 
> Via Rail: It's a train service that runs across provinces. Whereas the GoTrain is only in the "Greater Golden Horseshoe" of Ontario (I had to Google that), Via goes further and is available in 8 provinces.


	45. (Extras) Min Ji-hun and Su Hyun-ki

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James goes with Noah to the UofT's winter semester Science Department party, but he doesn't expect to see someone from his past. Especially someone he didn't wanted to see again.

**C L I P O N E || Friday January 27th, 2023 || 9:38pm**

James had never planned on seeing him again, but sometimes the universe worked in mysterious and annoying ways. He knew that he hadn’t forgotten about him, but it had been so long that he hadn’t thought about the other boy in years. When their eyes met from across the room, James felt like he was seventeen again. It wasn’t a good feeling.

His dark eyes were just the same, charming and intelligent, and now full of a sudden recognition as they took James in. There was something in the way they looked at him that made him shift in his spot, a predator versus prey vibe that made him uncomfortable. But then again, when did Micheal not come off strong. 

The older boy’s lips curled into a smile of perfectly white, straight teeth as he made his way over, and James wondered if it was too late to hide behind Noah. His boyfriend was somewhere in the crowd of university students talking with his friend Thomas and his girlfriend Farah. There was a strain in James’ shoulders as he looked for him, catching his figure towards the right side of the room. He wasn’t too far but--

“Ji-hun,” Micheal's smooth, confident voice spoke from ahead of him. James hadn’t heard his Korean name in a while, his mother never being mad enough to use it. It was slightly refreshing, or it would have been if it was said by anyone else. The way Micheal used it was for power, a power that James wouldn't give up easily. 

“Micheal,” he greeted with a plastic smile. The boy’s eyes grazed over him but James couldn’t decide if he was checking him out or sizing him up. With Micheal, it could have been either. “It’s been a while.”

“Too long, Ji-hun,” he said his name again. “But you look the same.” 

“You do too.” Micheal, although probably in his last year of his bachelor, still looked like his eighteen year old self. He even stood the exact same way, but this older version had more weight in his stance. His shoulders were set back as he stood with one hand in his pocket and his other holding a water bottle at his side. His button down shirt was perfectly crisp with the first two buttons undone. His brown hair was styled back, and he looked just as put together as he always did. Just now, he looked like a much bigger self-centred asshole. 

“I didn’t know you came to UofT, too,” Micheal continued, with a superiority. When they were in Korean class together, James found their rivalry frustrating. When they’d met again as teenagers, he’d found it attractive and full of sexual tension. Now in their twenties, James found it annoying, manipulative, and unnecessary. But fuck it, Micheal was an asshole and James was done letting him win. 

“Yes,” James lied through his teeth. Normally, James was a shitty liar only because Noah knew him so well, but on the rare occasion that he needed to lie to anyone else, he was an Oscar award winning actor. “I’m in--biomedical engineering.” 

James didn’t even know if they offered the program or what job that equated to let alone what it meant to study it, but he’d gone for something that sounded impressively difficult. Either they did, or Micheal didn't know they didn't because he bought it. 

“Really?” Micheal mused, up for a challenge. “I’m in neuroscience.”

“Your parents must be proud of you,” James said with a strain in his smile. Growing up, Micheal had always been the prime example of excellence. He was always praised by their language teacher, and the epitome of South Korean standards of intelligence and hardwork and beauty. James had always thought that his biological parents would have wanted him to turn out just like Micheal: handsome, smart, and successful.

“Extremely,” Micheal replied. “Their only son becoming a neurosurgeon is something they’re able to brag about, but I’m sure your parents brag about your… what do you study again?” 

“Biomedical engineering,” he answered, luckily remembering what he’d said earlier.

“Yes, I’m sure they’re proud of you for studying that.” 

James wondered what had ever possessed him to sleep with this guy, but then again he couldn’t judge his seventeen year old, naivety. Micheal was attractive and James had been lonely, a combination that has come back to bite present James in the ass. 

“I always knew I’d see you again,” Micheal said after a pause. “Albeit not at a university department party.”

“Did you?” James found himself genuinely surprised by that.

“Yes.” They held a stare for a moment, one that James didn’t understand the implications of. He couldn’t tell if the other Korean boy had an ulterior motive or if he was attempting friendliness. 

But James broke their stare when he saw Noah walking back over to him, having finished his conversation. James’ shoulders relaxed seeing him, his eyes softening as his lips pulled into a loving smile. It was as if he was pulled out of the toxicity of Micheal and brought back to reality with a single glance into his boyfriend’s big, brown eyes. 

“Hey, baby.” Noah said, joining his side. James knew that the air didn’t _actually_ become more breathable, but it metaphorically felt like it had. Micheal’s eyes grazed down Noah’s body but this time so clearly in judgement. 

“What’d Thomas have to say?” James asked, wrapping his arm around Noah’s waist. His boyfriend gave a generic motion with his hand.

“Same shit as always,” he answered. James could tell Micheal was carefully examining Noah, from his clothes, to the way he spoke, to how he was standing, and James wanted to protect the younger boy from it. Noah had been judged his whole life and James knew that his boyfriend hated when people made assumptions about him without knowing him. 

“Hello,” Micheal inserted himself into the conversation. Noah looked over to him and smiled politely. 

“Hi, I’m Noah, James’ boyfriend.” Micheal turned to James with slight amusement in his features.

“I’m Micheal,” the boy introduced himself. Noah seemed to process the name and with a flicker of his eyes up to his boyfriend, James confirmed it was _the_ Micheal he was thinking of. “Let me guess, Noah. You study… acting at Humber?” 

Micheal was being a dick, and James didn’t know if it was out of jealousy or superiority, but it wasn’t flattering. 

Noah pressed his lips together tightly. “I come here for biology.” 

“Oh, a general science.” 

“What do you mean?” Noah asked, with a hint of offence. 

“It’s a very broad subject,” Micheal clarified. “Biology, chemistry, physics-- all very… general. I study neuroscience its much more... precise. Well, Ji-hun--” At the sound of James’ Korean name, Noah raised a brow, “-- _he’s not really your usual type is he?”_ The latter was spoken in Korean, forcing Noah out of the conversation. 

“ _He very much is_ ,” James replied smoothly, with annoyance laced through his words. “ _How would you know what my type is?”_

 _“There is a difference between him and me,”_ Micheal said, looking at Noah again, but Noah was looking at James. When their eyes met it was as if, again, James was brought out of Micheal’s shallow world.

 _“Yes,”_ he said, still looking at Noah with a sweet smile. _“He’s the love of my life, and you’re a narcissistic asshole from my past._ ”

“Well that definitely wasn’t your opinion back then,” Micheal hummed, switching back to English. “I distinctly remember you _wanting_ me.”

James kissed his teeth at the tone underlying his voice. “I wanted a lot of things that weren’t good for me when I was seventeen, _Hyun-Ki_.” Micheal raised his chin at the sound of his own Korean name, as if having assumed James had forgotten it. “But unlike you, who seems stuck in the past, I’ve moved on to better things.” 

At that, he made it a point to draw Noah closer to him. The younger boy gave a smirk at the short circuiting of Micheal’s brain. 

“I wouldn’t consider _him_ ‘better’,” Micheal said, beginning to lose any charm to hide behind. 

“Yes, I agree. ‘Better’ is such a general term,” James said, with a big smile. “I’ve moved on to… smarter, sexier, more selfless and caring things.” 

Micheal blinked at him, losing at the one competition in life he couldn’t win. Micheal didn’t want James. Of course he didn’t. He never had. But Micheal had wanted to prove his superiority, his dominance like he always did. He wanted to prove to himself and everyone else, that even though he didn’t want James, he could still have him. But unlike Micheal, James _had_ changed. He’d grown up, matured, found love, and realized the little things that made him happy. He didn’t need bad mistakes like Micheal anymore. 

And now that Micheal knew he was losing at a game he’d thought was stacked in his favour, it was like watching a computer crash and delete every file on its server. 

“So,” James continued. “Although this has been… what has this been?”

“A complete waste of time?” Noah supplied. James suppressed his laugh, behind pressed lips, nodding. 

“Thank you,” he said to his boyfriend. “A complete waste of time, I could be spending my night having much more fun elsewhere.”

“Like in our bed,” Noah clarified with amusement. Micheal continued to blink at the couple, who were on the verge of bursting out into laughter.

“Yes,” James agreed. “So…bye Micheal.” And with that James led Noah towards the door and out of the party. As soon as they were in the elevator, putting on their coats, they shared a single look and started laughing. 

“What a dick!” Noah said, doing up the buttons of his jacket. 

“The world’s biggest jerk,” James added in agreement. “I don’t know what I ever saw in him. He’s an asshole.”

“A pretty hot asshole,” Noah shrugged and James met his eye. “What? I have eyes--” James raised his brow. “--For you and only you, baby,” Noah threw in. 

James smiled, taking Noah’s hand and bringing it up to his lips to kiss the back of it.

“You’ll always be the only one for me,” he promised, pulling Noah into his arms. His boyfriend gave him a small smile that was a mix of shyness and doubt. “I mean it, Noah. You’re the best thing to happen to me and I don’t care what people think of us. I’m proud of who I am, and I’m proud of who you are, and I’m proud of who we are together.” 

The doubt slowly faded from his lips, until Noah’s smile was purely loving. “I love you, too, baby.”

He kissed the top of his head, and when the elevator chimed open they walked out into the lobby of the res building. 

“Was it weird to see him again?” Noah asked as he pushed the glass door open and held it for James. 

“Very,” he said, pulling him back to his side as the wind swept around them. “Never thought I would.”

“You regret it that much?” 

“I mean, you’ve met him now." And at that Noah tilted his head from side to side. “I regret a lot about it, but it did make me more sure about my sexuality.”

“Has he always been like that?” 

James shrugged. “I guess. I mean, he was the perfect everything growing up. Straight As, spoke four languages, was a teacher's pet, played piano and guitar-- I don’t think I was the only one who was jealous of him.” 

“I can see why,” Noah noted, his head leaning on James’ shoulder as they continued down the school’s path. 

“In less than ten seconds, he made me feel like a failure,” James confided in his boyfriend. “He’s always done that, and I forgot how strong it can be-- he pulls you down to his level and the next thing you know, you’re being a chauvinistic asshole too.” 

“Seems draining.” 

“I was pretending to be someone I’m not, and for what? To be better than him? But if I have to lie and belittle to do it, am I really better than him?” 

Noah hummed along with his rhetorical question. 

James went on. “I used to overcompensate to make people think I was normal. I still do sometimes… but I don’t need to.”

“Being ‘normal’ is overrated,” Noah assured.

“But I still wanted to be that, and Micheal made me relapse into that toxic thinking.

“I think you’re much more successful than Micheal,” Noah said with a sure tone. 

“Maybe not more,” James corrected, and Noah peered up at him.

“ _More_ ,” he repeated. “Because he might have a degree in neuroscience, but you have what counts. Fuck it, baby, that’s just a piece of paper that says he studied in a library for four years. You have a family that loves you regardless of your education. You have friends who _genuinely_ like you. You have me. So, Micheal could have all the degrees in the world, he could speak one hundred languages, and have the highest IQ, but you’ll be the happy one.” 

James blinked at him, his eyes glossy at his boyfriend’s words. 

“I was right,” James told him.

“About what?” 

“You’re the love of my life.”

Noah blushed, throwing his gaze somewhere else, but James stopped them in the quad. There was no one around them and the sky was dark, but the city around them was alive and bright. All the snow had already melted, but it didn't stop the campus from looking beautiful with its mix of old buildings and new architecture. 

He took Noah's face in his hands and looked at him carefully. His eyes were waiting for James to speak, or act, but he didn't move for a moment. Instead he just looked at Noah, and in the brief pause, his mind wanted to play through all the _what ifs._ But James didn't. He wanted to live this minute without wondering what could have happened in the past, or what could happen in the future. So he dipped his head down and kissed him sweetly. 

"Come on, Romeo," Noah patting his chest when they pulled back. He smiled, as Noah laced their fingers together and pulled him along. He would never be able to explain how much he loved this boy. But he'd never stop trying. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CANADIAN INDEX (in order of appearance):
> 
> Humber: Humber College which offers many programs for various pathways. Micheal is being a dick when he assumes that Noah goes there for acting (because he's being an elitist asshole). 
> 
> As always, let me know what you thought of the extra!


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